LAST EDITED ON 07-27-07 AT 12:09 PM (EST)It’s best not to read this summary in the workplace. Or in the presence of others. Why, do you ask? Well, this summary was composed by a drunken chimp named Lucky. And sometimes Lucky has bouts of flatulence which he records for your enjoyment. You don’t want anyone to hear that coming from your computer, do you? They might think it was you. And that could be embarrassing.
Mmmmm…tomatoes.
Official RTVW Summary
BIG BROTHER
Season Nine
Thursday July 26 episode
Everyone hates her…let’s keep her!
At this point in the game, Kail and Mike are on the block courtesy of Dick. “Evil” Dick won HoH last week after surviving Kail’s attempt to get him evicted. Kail is the anti-MILF in the house and Mike is Kaysar v.3.1 - “I’ll be honest and loyal to a small group of people and not talk to anyone else”. Didn’t work for Kaysar in Seasons 6 or 8, did it? Dumbass. Why can’t these people actually learn anything from previous seasons?
Kail is on the block because at the beginning of the season she attempted to get an alliance together with the three hunkiest men in the game – Mike, Nick and Zach. For some reason, this was called the “Mrs. Robinson” alliance. Not sure why, since Kail is most definitely not in Anne Bancroft’s league:
The real Mrs. Robinson and … a sad sack of crap.
It’s probably because of her lack of MILF appeal that Nick and Zach soon wondered off to younger partners. Nick’s dalliance with Danielle is well-known and we’ll talk more about this later. What is not so well known is that Zach and Jessica have been doing the dirty-dirty almost every day since the game started. You read it here first!
Actually, Kail isn’t really ugly or anything. She just has the personality of a newt. Completely unsexy. She couldn’t give a man a smoldering look if her life depended on it.
Besides her inability to keep her alliance together past two weeks, she attempted to get Dick evicted. Folks, Dick will not be pushed out by any woman. Dick is strong and forceful. The raw passion of this Dick will not be swayed by the tears of a woman. No, there is one thing on Dick’s mind and he will not bend until he achieves his purpose – the conquest of a woman. Perhaps his amazing technique and tremendous stamina will cause you to join the legions who say, “I love Dick!”
Mike is on the block because he tried to stay true to his alliance with Kail. This made Dick angry. You don’t want to make Dick angry because he will just get in your face, poking and prodding your most delicate sensibilities until he spews all manner of foul stuff all over you and you have to beg for it to stop.
I gotta tell ya – I am so happy I got to summarize an episode where Dick is HoH. Can you tell? On the other hand, just once I would like to see someone in the house address him as Richard. I bet he would get so angry that he would spontaneously combust right there on the spot.
Anyway, Dick continues to break down Kail by telling her over and over how she is going home. Mike doesn’t want to campaign to save himself because he thinks that would be disloyal to his partner Kail. What a tool.
All of this is interrupted by Julie freakin’ Chen. She wants to show us the personal side of some of the contestants. Best quote of the episode comes when she is talking about Jen – “Some people think she is a cold, manipulative bitch.” C’mon, say it with me now, “No, Julie – we say that about you.” Jen’s butt-ugly mom comes on to tell us how smart her daughter really is. Who gives a rat’s ass? She’s got a nice body, which means that she can misquote the Cheerios box in front of her and she would still be given the world on a string by most men. Supposedly, Jen graduated with two degrees – one in Early Child Development and one in Architecture. I know people who have gotten degrees in Architecture. A lot of the collegiate grading in this subject includes subjective judgement by the professor. There is favoritism in this field of study. A little more extracurricular activity and Jen could have gotten a Masters in Engineering if she had wanted it.
Then we are subjected to Danielle’s boyfriend. I laugh at him as he holds back the tears. “My hot young girlfiend is getting cozy with a professional athlete on national TV, but I swear to you that my manhood is intact.” Your manhood is gone, dork. Danielle is using it to tease Nick the way I would tease a cat with a string. “I can’t sleep with you Nick, I have a boyfriend.” It doesn’t stop her from giving him loud, sloppy kisses, though. Then Dick, who is Danielle’s dad in case you didn’t know, states on national TV that he thinks Danielle’s boyfriend is a loser. I laugh some more. Too bad I wasn’t there with the guy when this episode aired. I love to watch grown men wimper.
Oh yeah - then there’s Eric, “America’s Player”. Through some stupid producer’s strategy, Eric is supposed to shake things up in the house by doing whatever America, i.e. the thousands of losers who spend money on their cell phones to vote on prearranged tasks for Eric, gets to tell him what to do every episode. If he completes a task, he gets bonus money. Or maybe he gets a candy bar …I forget. For some reason, my suggestions to soak his head in the toilet are repeatedly ignored. Anyway, Eric’s task this episode is to convince the other houseguests to vote out Kail. America does not like Kail because she reminds us of our respective mothers and our respective mothers are nagging bitches who embarrass us in front of our cool new friends. Eric does a poor job, in spite of the fact that Dick has already been drumming up the “Let’s kick out Kail” rally for days. Eric is a rat-faced loser and I have no idea why “America” picked him to be their patsy in this game.
Eric should not be confused with Jameeka, who is CBS’s player. This woman, the only minority in the house, actually says on live TV that CBS is great. Of course you think it’s great, Jameeka. They handpicked you out of the three black people who happened to walk in front of the CBS studio the day they were casting. The other two consisted of an al Qaeda operative and an unemployed Gary Coleman, so you were really their only choice to have any chance of appearing that they care about half of America (the non-Caucasian half). But they picked you nonetheless and for that you are obviously grateful. May you get evicted soon, you boring leech.
eta: Holy Tuna! I almost forgot to mention my favorite part of the show! While Dick, Jameeka, Dustin and Eric were in the HoH room discussing who to evict, Dick walks nonchalantly into the bathroom, leaves the door open, and squeeks out a handful of poots. Leg up in the air and everything. Watching the other houseguests' attempts to ignore him were hilarious. I love Dick!!!
So it comes time to vote. Dick can’t vote because he’s HoH. Eric and Zach vote to evict Kail. Everybody else votes for Mike because they fear his quiet demeanor may be hiding a scheming intellect. He doesn’t have an intellect, but neither do any of the other houseguests.
Mike goes out and blah blahs with Julie Chen until she grows tired of him and punches him in the throat, which was actually pretty cool to see. The other guests wander aimlessly around the house until they are called for the next HoH competition.
The HoH competition is a trivia challenge where all of the questions are about evicted housegeusts: Carol, Joe and Mike. The first person to get the right answer on each question has to kick someone else out of the game. The questions are really dumb, as usual. How dumb? One of them asks something like, "If the evicted houseguests were to look up into the sky, whose nose would be closest to the stratosphere." I don't know if CBS was trying to confuse the players with a word like "stratosphere", but Joe, who was really tall, would obviously be the answer.
Dustin does well early on and kicks out a few people. Nick boots his former alliance member Kail on the second or third question. Eric goes on a tear until he remembers that he’s “America’s Player” and he really needs to stay inconspicuous to rack up more bonus money with his secret tasks. What is not inconspicuous, Eric, is realizing that you’re doing too good in the competition and purposefully buzzing in an incorrect answer before Julie even finishes the question. You think the other players didn’t notice that? They are pretty stupid people, but not that stupid. Someone is going to catch on to Eric soon.
Dustin ends up winning the HoH. He is very happy because he doesn’t see the knives yet. But we do. We see evveryyything….
Because we’re voyeuristic perverts.
The End.
Zipperhead is just sick. Dangerously sick. - molaholic
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