Welcome, one and all, to Big Brother All Stars – The Finale.
I’ll assume that, having taking the time to come all this way to read this summary, you’re aware of how the summer has unfolded. In the extreme case that you aren’t, here’s a run down:
Bunch of former players return – some interesting, some not. Everyone loves/hates everyone else. People eat slop, get drunk, get more slop, get drunker. People get angry, people get horny, people get evicted. ChillTown works the crowd, the crowd loves it. That’s about the gist of it.
So, we come back to the extremely fascinating finale: Mike Boogie versus Erica. Cabbage Patch Doll versus Dracula, if you’re going on looks alone.
Julie Chen is holding court outside the Big Brother house with a mass of adoring fans. They are, of course, adoring fans of Will, but Julie doesn’t know that. She’s just excited to be there, wearing what I can only describe as an ivory silk table cloth on her top half, and a pair of my grampa’s pants, hiked to the appropriate mid-rib height.
Then we move on to a flashback of the final Jury house sit down party. Awkward as ever, everyone seems to be on their best behavior, me thinks I sense a hard cord lecture in the jury’s recent past. They talk about who played who, who played how, and who screw who. Everyone’s about the same as ever. Howie’s still got a whole bag of chips on his shoulder, Danielle is acting mature and responsible, with a blanket covering the keg of beer that she smuggled onto the couch. They’re waiting to see who will join them as the last member of the jury.
Oh crap, I have apparently switched channels, as there’s now one of those Deal or No Deal Girls in a bright red sausage dress… oh wait, wait, false alarm. It’s Janelle, who for some reason, sees fit to wear her tiara to the final jury party. Everyone hugs, bla, bla, bla.
They all get to ask one final question of the final two, via video screen. We’ll get to that in a moment, but we must pause and acknowledge that the owner of the very successful Dolce restaurant has seen fit to wear his hideous powder blue polyester Chill Town tank and short combo for questioning. The line to wash your eyes out with bleach forms behind me…
Back to the questioning:
Most people just want justification as to why they were voted off. Boogie does pretty good spouting pure Dr. Will speak, while Erica fumbles with attempts to showcase her “game”. George asks Boogie if he’ll be asking Erica to marry him – cue uncomfortable laughter. Erica begs the Chicken Man to forgive her promising he was safe, safe, safe, then voting him out, out, out. Will gives Boogie one final ChillTown phone call: “Are you in the final two, dude? Ha hah aha ha ha.” It’s cute for now, just wait, it’ll wear thin later, I promise. Janelle asks Erica if “kissing butt and losing competitions was part of your strategy?” then gives her the “No, no, no!” finger wave. No one waves a finger like Alicia from Survivor Outback, but Janelle gives it a go, none the less. James busts Erica for being an All Stars version of the Allison-Ho routine. She says she really just likes Mike and she didn’t have anyone, wahhhhh, vote for me, I’m pathetic…. And so on.
Danielle makes the questioning at least a tad interesting by asking Boogie why he said that he was her “Jason” of All Stars” (Jason being her virginal pawn on her season). Boogie shoots right back with: “Vote for me, then run through all the footage and if you don’t see a bunch of Jason’s – James, Erica, me… I’ll give you half the money.” He leaves out George, who probably qualified for the most virginal of the bunch. Shudder.
Now Mike Boogie and Erica have a chance to speak, although I wish to sweet zombie jesus that everyone would just shut the hell up and tell us who won. Any-hoo.
Erica: “I needed to go after the puppet master, but he had lots of puppets protecting him. Are you going to give the crown to the person who did his dirty work, or the person who voted him out.” Bitch, Janelle’s wearing the crown already, shut your ashtray!
Boogie: “Everyone was part of ChillTown, when you started to figure it out, you got eliminated.” His speech is ok, gives everyone props, but then launches some sort of ‘A Vote for Boogie is a Vote well spent’ rant. Is he running for school council? That outfit suggests – yes!
Finally we head back to the live show, not a moment too soon, although it has felt like an eternity. Julie - still wearing a silk table cloth, welcomes the jury. Howie’s obviously been eating to hide the pain. That’s right Howie, smother the hurt in chocolate. Janie is wearing another Deal or No Deal dress, this time in black. She must buy in bulk. Mike, thank GOD, has cast aside the gym clothes and is now merely wearing a hideous gansta suit.
Insert the key for the person you want to win, make another uncomfortable or smarmy statement. Because they all said at least one of the following, the consensus is:
“Congratulations to both of you. It’s just a game. You both played a good game. This was a hard decision. I’m voting for the best player!”
Howie: Boogie, hard to give money to someone who owns six restaurants. Erica, I think America hates you.
Danielle: Rambles about winning competitions, strategy, and giving the money to the “ultimate floatie”. Julie comments that Danielle is being secretive with her key insertion and Danielle tells Julie to “Shut up!” Girl, you now havemy vote for anything.
Will: Blue light gleaming off his hair gel. “You’re my buddy, buddy. Call me the puppet master, Erica.”
Now, instead of a vote count (this is an hour long show, people), we’re treated to a guest appearance from the first five losers: Alison, Nokomis, Diane, Kasar and Jase. Kasar’s hair has sadly not grown much, and just as sadly, Jase’s has, giving him a halo of frizz that is surely visible from space. Dude, for the love of god, find a new hair stylist.
Kasar exposes James’ defection to Janelle. We are then treated to a vicious out of context pile of clips and comments of how much James hates Janelle – but she’s not surprised that the “whiner went into the diary room to cry about it.”
Jase and Diane, via a horrible imitation of the ChillTown weekly phone call, expose the Mr. and Mrs. Smith alliance as true. How purely embarrassing for them, a secret alliance that was never utilized for a damn thing. This is thankfully tempered with a lovely interlude of ChillTown diary phone call clips. Danielle is loving it (that keg of beer must be hitting her by now). Alison gets to talk, saying “I’d really like to tell Erica that she got played – use the money to go buy herself some dignity.” Perhaps she’ll share with you, Allison!
Then we see another out of context clip tribute to Boogie’s show-mancing skills. Erica, you might have to take out a loan, I’m not sure any prize winnings are going to cover the amount of dignity you need to purchase now.
Woo – finally! Votes revealed
Julie’s going to calculate the votes wrong, she keeps saying “Remember you need four votes,” …and we all know she’s just reminding herself.
Julie stumbles over her eagerness to get it right (direct quote: “‘fo’ votes to win”), and congratulates Mike. Boogie jumps up and runs for the door, fist pumping, no hugs for the ho, he just wants to get his hands on his bro-mance. The door swings open and the lovers embrace, Boogie tossing the polyester shirt to the crowd as Will holds him closely, whispering in his ears. Awwww, they’re so in love.
Everyone hugs everyone, with a huge invisible AWKWARD sign hovering above Erica’s head. Julie tries to convince her that $50,000 is great too. It somehow doesn’t translate well, she said that she’s just relieved it’s all over. You and me, both! So that’s it, the end of…
BUT FIRST! America’s Choice winner, who will receive $25,000? They’re running real short on time now, so Julie quickly informs Janelle that she won. Jumping, fist pumping, etc. and Janelle’s off to apply for Deal or No Deal.
And that’s it. Over to Julie Chen for the final goodbye (direct quote, here, people)
“From outside the Big Brthwxmwch… Big Brother All Star House, Good Night!”
Thank you, Julie Chen, for forgetting the name of the whole freakin’ show at the last possible moment. But the good news… It’s all over, people. Run, do not walk, directly to the Survivor and Amazing Race message boards, because summer’s over.
See ya next year, Hamster Watchers!