LAST EDITED ON 06-09-05 AT 08:18 PM (EST)

Welcome to Hour #2 of Webby Wants Estee To Throw Another TV Out The Window. The phone lines are open and we're taking bets on just how far this thing's gonna fly when this extended self-torture session finally ends. Please note that the television will not necessarily be launched from ground level and pure vertical distance will not be counted into any bets. And if we suspect any insider information on the size of the television, local wind speed, chance of rolling down a slope, and so on, we're going to shut the whole thing down and deny the spoiler information ever existed because

A. Betting spoilers always come through, so where's the fun in that?
B. I'm not paying any of you off.

(sigh) Well, at least I don't have to run through a quick summary of the first episode...

What?

Oh, come on! They were broadcast back to back! There wasn't even a real break between them! I just finished the first summary five minutes ago! It's right up there! Surely you can take a few minutes to look around and --

-- lazy, that's what you are.

Hmph. Previously on Why Sixties Fashions Will Never, Ever Come Back, fourteen people were placed in the costumes of well-known sitcom characters and transported to Playa del Carmen, where seven people discovered there were seven other people who'd shown up to the party wearing the same thing they had on, and isn't that always embarrassing? The bitter cast members swore vengeance and vowed to banish their counterparts to the mysterious 'other side of the island', which is the part with the volcano, radioactive vegetables, and access to the island of the mind transfer machine on it. However, before the war could formally begin, we had a brief skirmish over who would win the rights to the shower and who would be stuck jumping in the lagoon every other day, we lost one cast member because there's many a slip twixt husk and tendons, and a love triangle between a Gilligan, a Mary Ann, and a Professor was struck up, which isn't so much fascinating as it is nauseating, and don't even ask what the television karma gods think about this. Maybe that's why we always seem to have all that lightning flashing around Voodoo Village...

Which Skipper will be banished tonight? Will the editors once again try to cram more than one elimination into an episode? How much of the season will be given away in the end-of-episode previews? And is there any possible way to make sure a Season #3 never, ever finds its way to the screen?

Maybe if I threw everyone's televisions out the window... Roll opening credits.

Professor Tiy-E is doing what he does second-best (with first-best being 'stand there. Just stand there'): psyching out the competition. In this case, that's Skipper Charlie, and the means of demotivation is the 'I hate to see you go' dance, with accompanying lyrics. 'But you must go -- you must go...' It's a very slow, sensitive beat. You could almost dance to it. You could also be locked away in a psych ward for the rest of your life. The two might even be connected.

'You can't sing,' Skipper Charlie notes, not exactly affected by the performance, 'you can't dance, and you can't light a fire. Show me something you can do.' I have it on good authority that he's pretty handy with an electric toothbrush.

Both Skippers are wondering about the next day's competition: they've been given no clues as to what it might be, and they have no way to watch TBS' all-revealing previews until they get home. Skipper Ken and Skipper Charlie come to the same decision: since they have no way of knowing what they're up against, there's no point in worrying about it until they find out what it actually is. This is a very practical and surprisingly mature point of view, which is probably why they have to explain it to their respective casts six times each.

'I'm still here, believe me,' Skipper Charlie assures his team. 'I've nearly killed myself fourteen times. I'm not worried about a little game.' Being worried about following someone who's nearly killed himself fourteen times is something else entirely. It's the sort of statement that just begs for details, isn't it?

Sadly, no one follows up on that and we move to the next morning, where an iguana is sunning himself on the fake wreck of the Minnow, and Thurston Jim is getting a little help in dealing with his addiction withdrawal from Lovey Donna. No, not their desire to cuddle up with every woman on the island: that's still in progress and the rainbow hug with Lovey Melissa staved off the shakes for one more day. Golf. Back in the real world, Thurston Jim lives on a golf course, and he can't get a good night's sleep without hearing clubs hitting balls at some point during the day. So, inspired by the basketball court and the little-known writings of Doctor Sean (How To Have Fun With Yourself And The Alphabet, Hopeless DAW Publishing, all copies autographed to taste for the low price of promising not to write his name down), he's making a miniature golf course, with stones bound to sticks for clubs, rocks and fruit pits for balls, and holes in the ground for a natural representation of the thought processes for all Gilligans, everywhere. Lovey Donna is, as with other things in their entertainment life, taking care of the layout.

The course is on sand, the balls don't roll properly, and the first club comes apart on the second swing, which leads to all sorts of flashbacks on my part that probably could have been avoided if Ginger Angie had never shown up. But as everyone knows, golf is only fun when you can blame something other than yourself for your lousy score, and as such, the Orange Howells may have designed the greatest golf course in history. Skipper Ken's certainly having fun, sinking a putt in two strokes, which his cast insists is a preview of what'll happen later in the day. They didn't know about the double-casting from the first season, so they probably missed the on-and-off hubris, too...

Of course, there are other things happening on the island. Just for starters, there's that pesky love triangle. Skipper Charlie feels Gilligan Zac is after Mary Ann Mandy like the Coyote was after the Road Runner, and the editors quickly throw in some fast-motion shots of Gilligan Zac running around the island in search of his quarry, misplaced 'Meep-Meep!'s and all. The elusive Black-Haired DAW (Attentionous Whorus) is finally located in the Professor's hut. On Professor Andy's bed. With Professor Andy. They're sleeping together, but only for the literal definition of the word 'sleeping': both out cold, Mary Ann Mandy's head on Professor Andy's chest. Gilligan Zac decides there's plenty of room left over and spoons up against Mary Ann Mandy, with his head on Professor Andy's stomach. This causes Professor Andy to stir.

'Something's wrong,' observes the ever-attentive Professor Andy, his eyes still closed.

'Just spooning,' Gilligan Zac assures him, although there's some question as to whether he's assuring his rival that he's not spooning him, or that he intends to get around to him later.

'No, that's okay,' Professor Andy decides. 'This is the perfect love triangle.' So it's 'get around to him later' by three lengths.

In c-t, Professor Andy lets us know Gilligan Zac's told him of his flop-hatted intentions towards Mary Ann Mandy, but he's enjoying the flirtation and finds it harmless, so he's not going to tell her to stop any time soon. Besides, he has a girlfriend back home, so he's not going to let it go any further. Presumably he hasn't told Mary Ann Mandy this. What he told his former girlfriend after she watched this scene is unknown, but it was probably said in a great hurry.

Of course, this isn't the only relationship on the island. There's also Mary Ann Randi and the ants, a love affair for the ages that's just getting started over in the women's hut. It seems Mary Ann Randi left her ration bars out in the open after the wrapper had been partially removed, and the island's insect life naturally came over to investigate. This is the fault of everyone on the island. The producers, the film crew, her fellow castmates, the competing cast, the coconut husks she's been talking to at night -- everyone. Except her. Because leaving uncovered food out in the open would never attract ants unless all of those unsavory elements were there to lure them in first. (Ginger Erika feels she's starting to get the feel for Mary Ann Randi's character: e.g. none.)

Both Skippers get ready for the competition -- Skipper Ken with a little confidence-boosting talk, Skipper Charlie with stretching exercises which demonstrate that while it's possible for a man of his age and build to do the splits, it's not necessarily advisable -- and the radio finally goes off, summoning the casts to the lagoon.

'I'm gonna miss you,' Professor Tiy-E tells Skipper Charlie. 'You were a special part of this island.' Y'know, they've got to give in to the hubris angle eventually...

'It's on like a chicken bone!' Skipper Charlie insists all the way to the lagoon, inducing nausea in several laboratory rats, and he keeps insisting it once they arrive at the mats, inducing the urge to kill in Skipper Ken. Both casts end up standing at the edge of a twenty-five foot cliff overlooking the lagoon. (There's a ladder off to one side leading to a small dock, so getting up and down won't be a problem -- although Thurston Howie, who's a little afraid of heights, is still worried about the challenge involving a jump off the cliff.) Two small boats -- just barely big enough to hold one full cast each -- are floating in the water.

Generic Reality Host Version 3.6 greets the casts and explains the challenge. It's going to illustrate one of the first rules of the sea: the captain always goes down with the ship, or at least someone whose body might be mistaken for the captain's on casual examination. The casts will be loaded into the boats, which have several plugs in the bottom waiting to be pulled. Once the whistle sounds, the first plugs will go, and water will start coming into the boat. The casts can bail out the boat with hands and coconut shells, or block the holes with whatever body parts they can get into position -- but after a minute passes, the whistle will blow again, and a cast member will have to leave each boat. Since the cast members are tied to plugs, each departure will increase the water flow. Eventually, only the Skippers and Gilligans will be left in the boat, and they'll just have to bail for as long as they can. The first boat to sink will have its Skipper going to the other side of the island, to meet whatever terrible fate awaits him there. FOX Reality is still rumored to be involved.

Since Ginger Angie is still out with her injury, Ginger Erika will have to sit out to even up the teams. Her confessional-tell declaration is that she can best help by cheerleading. Her main camera time demonstration of this is the sort of very slow, very insincere slow clap you generally give a fourth-grade rendition of Our town about forty seconds into the post-show applause, when your hands are starting to hurt and the realization that every child there including yours sucked finally starts to dawn.

The casts load themselves into the boats and row a short distance out into the lagoon before dropping anchor. Skipper Charlie gives his cast careful instructions on staying in the center of the boat, using their bodies to plug holes, making sure their implements are full before throwing the water, and to only bail to port and starboard so as to avoid splashing their teammates. The Orange crew also tries to work out a strategy -- without the help of Skipper Ken, who just sits at the back of the boat, silently scowling. (At a guess, the latest Army/Navy score had just come in.)

v3.6 blows the whistle, the first four plugs are pulled -- and bailing begins! Everything seems to be going well despite the difficulty of blocking the holes: as Gilligan Zac notes, they're spaced pretty far apart, and he personally can't use his stubby legs to cover one with a knee and another with a foot without dislocating something. But for the first minute, the bailing is going just fine -- and then the whistle blows again, with everyone on both casts stopping what they're doing to listen to instructions. This includes bailing water. The Millionaires are told to leave their boats, and their departure pulls one more plug on each vessel -- but that's nothing compared to the water that accumulated while Pavlov's Contestants were waiting for that next bell, and the casts scramble to catch up.

Well, most of them do. Skipper Charlie is very relaxed. Every so often, he deigns to scoop a tiny amount of water out of the boat, but that's all the effort he feels willing to put forth. Why? Because now that they're active again, his cast is bailing water according to his instructions, and the war against the inflow is at a stalemate. Why waste his energy? Skipper Ken, who gave his team no such instructions, is bailing to save his life, but Skipper Charlie? He can wait.

Another minute, and the Mary Anns abandon ship. As Professor Andy notes, the contest immediately turns into a giant game of twister, with 'my knee on my plug, my hand on her plug, my other hand tethered to my other plug...', and my, isn't that going to make his former girlfriend happy when she hears it.

Sixty more seconds pass, the whistle blows -- the freeze is much shorter this time -- and the Professors are told to exit. They do, pulling their plugs on the way out, which is going to need some serious work in the code department, and start swimming for the dock.

Correction. Professor Andy starts swimming for the dock. Professor Tiy-E just flounders in place. He's desperately kicking against the water, thrashing his arms just under the surface, doing everything he can to keep his head elevated and his airways in the breathable medium -- but he's losing the battle. He can't swim. It's not a cramp, no sudden injury, no foot hooked on a root. He doesn't know how to stay afloat and at the rate he's expending energy, the speed with which his nostrils are descending towards the liquid, he has the rest of his life to figure it out, and that's about forty seconds.

Those who'd already exited the boats, watching from the top of the cliff, stare in horror. Those in the boats haven't noticed yet: they're still bailing. Professor Andy is making his way to the dock: he's looking in the wrong direction to spot the emergency. A man's life is at risk and no one, not contestants, not crew, is doing anything to save it.

Almost nobody.

This show, in its perverse way, is about earning your name. The right to be Gilligan, as dubious and silly a right as it is. The seriously quantified honor of being the Skipper, the Professor...

Generic Reality Host Version 3.6 jumps from the cliff, and becomes Scott before he hits the water.

Scott swims for Tiy-E, powerful, desperate strokes, and reaches him before he goes under -- just as a second splash goes off in the background: Howie, afraid of heights, was the first to follow him in. Scott gets Tiy-E's head and shoulders out of the water and starts pulling him to the dock, with Howie swimming up to help in any way he can. All the activity has gotten Andy's attention, and he's the next one over -- shortly followed by several crew members. The group effort gets Tiy-E to safety. Charlie, who noticed the nightmare just as it was ending, continues bailing. Everything's under control. Tiy-E is safe. The competition can go on.

And for his part, a drenched, expended Scott climbs up the ladder to the clifftop and gets right back to hosting.

With the whistle at the bottom of the lagoon, Scott has to yell for the next and final exit: the Loveys leave the boat. At this point, there's too much water to really keep up with, even with Gilligan Zac's inspired windmill motion, which takes out a lot of little splashes before it loses a scooping husk. It's just a question of who let more water accumulate before full-fledged disaster struck --

-- or who can make the bigger mistake, because Gilligan Zac listens to the rest of his cast chanting his name from the clifftop and somehow decides it's his cue to abandon the boat. He jumps out, leaving Skipper Charlie to bail all by his vaguely bemused, slightly panicked self.

'I think it probably goes back to the fact that the kid is an idiot', Gilligan Shawn c-t kettle-blacks. It takes a lot of screaming from the clifftop to get Gilligan Zac turned around and sheepishly returned to the boat.

'Come on, little buddy!' Skipper Charlie yells, now firmly convinced that he actually has Gilligan there incarnated as a skinny blond twenty-something who has every intention of ruining his chances at episode happiness again -- but it's over. It's done. The boat sinks. And Skipper Ken is out of the contest.

Right. Skipper Ken. It was all about the action in the early stages, and the Green cast let so little water accumulate in the boat that Gilligan Zac's absence didn't do anything except let that ship play a bit of catch-up. The Orange boat had more water in it almost from the start, less efficiency in the bailing -- and so it goes down into the lagoon, leaving Skipper Ken's cap forlornly floating on the surface, its absence resulting in the return of DAW Ken to the world for the brief seconds he'll continue to exist before being banished to the other side of the island.

The Greens celebrate. DAW Ken c-t mutters to the camera about the indignities of losing to a coon(censored), which is probably Navy slang for a civilian harbormaster. Skipper Charlie loses his real first name and turns into the Skipper for the rest of the season as his cast is given their reward: fishing equipment, which can't be shared with the Orange crew. (Whether anything caught with it can be given out is left off-camera.) DAW Ken heads through the gate to the other side of the island -- what do you mean 'what gate?' The gate that always shows up out of nowhere when someone leaves, that's what gate. Geez! -- and the casts head back to camp, with everyone getting Professor Tiy-E to admit he's fine, and the Skipper telling him that while he wants that particular Professor gone, it wasn't that way at that time. The fishing equipment is waiting by the Skipper's hut, there's a lot of it and assorted types -- poles, nets, spears, flippers and goggles, even flies of all sorts -- and the Skipper vows to fish all night and bring something in.

Now. The chaos is over. Everyone's fine. The green lights are back on. Go back and review the events of the last few paragraphs. What did not happen?

Scott went in after Tiy-E.

Howie went in after Tiy-E.

Andy and several crew members eventually went in after Tiy-E.

Randi, the certified lifeguard, the one with training in saving those who are drowning, stayed right where she was.

We go to an Orange conference in the Professor's hut, with Professor Tiy-E apologizing for his poor performance. Nobody could possibly take that the wrong way. No one except Mary Ann Randi, who feels Tiy-E should have told the others that not only could he not swim, but his main water skill was in sinking like a rock. This is sort of true. Telling your team about your weaknesses while it's still a team game has its points, especially when you lack a crucial skill, and should have acquired that skill before you left instead of believing you could work it out as you went along. But since it's Mary Ann Randi who brought it up, it just reminds the others of the whole 'I'm a certified lifeguard' thing, and the natural question immediately surfaces: why didn't she jump?

Her answer -- this is not a joke, I am not kidding, there is no attempt to make things up or exaggerate an existing situation for humor, this is the complete and utter unvarnished truth -- is that she was trained to save people in a certain way and environment, and all her lifesaving training was for shallow water. Therefore, she was not qualified to go in after Professor Tiy-E and, had he drowned, would not have been at fault in any way.

The entire Orange cast stares at her. There's very little else they can do that doesn't involve throwing her into a four-foot deep tub and watching to see if she can legally save herself.

'I think Mary Ann Randi's lifesaving skills are good for a kiddie pool about three feet deep,' Thurston Jim c-ts. No, still too much water...

With Mary Ann Randi having alienated everyone on her cast while endearing herself to every resuscitation equipment salesperson in Kansas, the scene shifts to the center of camp, where both casts are having dinner when the radio goes off again, directing them to follow the Coconut Trail. Doing so brings them to a makeshift movie screen, along with benches, popcorn, soda, and chocolate. Everyone takes a seat and waits for the show to begin.

The movie turns out to be that ever-popular production, Back Up The Quit Boat: it's Ginger Angie, nearly live from the hospital, where her operation was just completed. The damage is going to take some time to heal, so she's out of the competition and back to being DAW Mole Angie, with Ginger Erika being the Ginger of the island hereafter (although she's not the Ginger of RTVW, we've already got one, thank you, and one is more than enough, especially when people start dropping dead. She kills them, you know. She's killed them all). After wishing the others luck and promising to send Mary Ann Mandy her high heels to practice model walking in, she signs off, and the double-elimination episode is set in place. (Which doesn't make up for my getting a non-elimination TAR. Not even remotely. But it's nice to see the television karma gods trying so hard.)

So we've had a near-drowning, an early exit, a completely stupid denial -- what's left? Oh, right! Romance! Let's check in on Gilligan Zac as he weaves a hat out of grass (pretty well, too - the brim is big enough to serve as an umbrella, and the rain has started) for Mary Ann Mandy, confessing to Ginger his intent to ask her out on a date as soon as he catches a fish to serve with his proposal. He's got the flowers, he'll have the hat in a few minutes, and after that, it'll be as smooth as coconut cream pie -- if that Professor crush doesn't get in the way again. Happily, there's no interference through the presentation or the kiss he receives in thanks -- and then it's time for Voodoo Village.

The Skipper and Ginger go off to retrieve the box to the sounds of stock footage, while the other cast members arrange themselves on seat-stumps to await their return. Thurston Howie makes sure to stay close to Lovey Melissa, just in case 'the big one' hits when they find out they're next on the chopping block.

As it turns out, it's not 'they'. It's just him.

The producers have learned: they have to bring in married (or engaged) couples, but they don't have to let them compete together and have a 100% chance of an alliance of two surviving to the final seven. This will be Thurston Howie vs. Thurston Jim: no Loveys allowed. The millionaires are shocked -- they thought they'd be going out together if they went at all -- but the box has spoken, and the couples will be fighting for their survival as individuals. This gives them one last guaranteed night together before potential temporary separation, and they head off to take advantage. Lovey Donna c-ts us she hasn't been apart from Thurston Joe for more than three nights in the ten years of their marriage. (From all indications, it's an open marriage, but that just means the door isn't locked when they come home with their Special Guest of the night.) Thurston Howie is more than willing to put up with the heat and insects if it means staying with Lovey Melissa. And Mary Ann Mandy spends another night in bed with the Professor, because she can. Professor Andy makes her feel special. Professor Andy makes her feel safe. Professor Andy does not make her feel like she already has a girlfriend. (Wonder why?) Gilligan Zac comes in, observes both the specialness and the safety, and leaves with his eyes flashing green.

No vengeance is taken by morning, although Thurston Howie wouldn't mind getting some on Professor Tiy-E: his back is hurting, and it's a direct result of that unplanned dive. The Skipper admits they've nicknamed Professor Tiy-E 'The Rock' in honor of his swimming ability, which sets Thurston Howie off. He leaves the room in a huff, muttering about how Professor Tiy-E lied to him and the rest of the Orange cast by claiming he could swim, and we all know no one's ever lied on a reality show before this, right? Gilligan Shawn carries the news to Professor Tiy-E, who goes off to confront the local father figure with his excuse. He wasn't so arrogant that he thought he could learn how to swim during the interval between jumping from the boat and hitting the water -- no, not him! And he wouldn't have gone into the lagoon if he'd thought he was about to die! No, it's just that the last time he was in a pool was twenty, twenty-five years ago, and during all the years in between, he just plain forgot how to swim!

He. Forgot. How. To. Swim.

Migawd. They're actually getting dumber. (Excuses and/or contestants, pick your favorite.)

Thurston Howie gives this all the consideration it deserves -- none -- 'Do you forget how to ride a bicycle? Do you forget how to breathe?' -- and receives, as a reward, this special one-time only occasion where Professor Tiy-E tells him that spiritually, he knew it would all work out. Thurston Howie replies that if Scott hadn't acted, Professor Tiy-E would be telling the spirits that in person, which pretty much ends the discussion.

Meanwhile, the Loveys are talking about life without their Thurstons -- Lovey Donna is planning to play the sympathy card if she has to, making her the first Lovey Donna in series history who could even remotely try to pull that off -- and Thurston Jim is playing the sabotage one. Thurston Howie has been very vocal about his love of workouts, and Thurston Jim challenges him to do some wrist-style push-ups. Despite the Skipper telling him to save his energy for the competition, Thurston Howie takes the bait and does ten push-ups, just to get his blood flowing. And then a few more, because the others are counting them off. And then a few more, because he can. And then a few more, because he's got a thirty-two year-old finance and there's nothing quite like proving your masculinity in a public setting. And then a few more, because he's on television and that's a really public setting. Thirty-five push-ups are completed before Thurston Howie finally calls it quits, with the Skipper c-t bemoaning his castmate's gullibility.

Thurston Jim c-t announces his intent for he and Lovey Donna to comfort Lovey Melissa should her fiance be banished, and that means exactly what you think it means. He said so. Directly. Good tidings of comfort and joy and crowded sheets.

Naturally, that's right around the time the radio goes off again, and the casts are summoned to the beach, where they're looking for 'a stroke of good luck'. This is either swimming or golf, and much to Thurston Jim's joy and Professor Tiy-E's relief, it's golf. (How do you get to be a millionaire? Create your own foreshadowing!) Two very small greens -- about four feet wide, tops -- are floating out in the ocean within reach of a well-placed golf stroke. (They're shooting from the beach, however -- automatic slice shot out of a sandtrap.) The Thurstons will be provided with clubs, but there are no golf balls on the island: their castmates will have to break open avocados, chew through them, and hand over the pits to use in the game. Whoever gets the most pits onto the green within the unspecified time limit turns into the island's Thurston for the rest of the series, and the other one gets to find out that money won't buy him a stay of execution. Since the Greens are up two players, the Orange cast gets to pick two Greens to sit the challenge out: this turns out to be the Skipper and Gilligan Zac. (This is interesting. MB, are you paying attention? It's not like they're going to risk suing you right back...)

The whistle is blown, and the avocado-eating begins. Professor Tiy-E c-t declares that it's like biting into sacks of baby poop, which is hard to argue with -- it's the same color -- and, once a good pile of pits has started to form, changes his strategy to trash-talking Thurston Howie, who c-t admits that Professor Tiy-E has a real skill: 'Killing people with his incessant talking.' Apparently having the life ebb out of you isn't good for your golf game: both millionaires manage to hit the green several times, but the unforgiving surface doesn't allow for direct plants or short rolls. It triggers bounces. And of all the pits that impact the landing zone during the unspecified time period, only two of Thurston Jim's stay in the target area -- and none of Thurston Howie's.

Game, set, match, and menage.

Scott conducts the usual post-game festivities and creates my first-ever triple elimination episode, which has got to be a record for a non-romance show. Thurston Jim is now Thurston. DAW Howie is the next to proceed through the gate, which just showed up, thank you very much for asking. (Lovey Melissa walks him over.) The Orange cast has also won the freshwater plunge pool from the first season, which should take the edge off the whole no-showers thing, and a case of beer, some brandy, and a few bar peanuts to enjoy it with. The 'no sharing' rule is repeated, and everyone heads back to camp.

So. Victory, an inflated sense of self-confidence, and beer.

Gee. I wonder what could possibly happen next?

That's right! It's time for -- public drunkenness! Whee!

It takes very little time for the Orange cast to become, for lack of a better term, completely sloshed. The Skipper is actually happy to see this: a little alcohol will take their edge off, give them a hangover for the morning competition, and frankly, given that odor, they needed to be immersed in water. (Whether they should ever come out is another question entirely.) Professor Andy, however, is witnessing the rejuvenation of the competing cast, and correctly figures that they'll not only be revitalized by the win, but they'll be celebrating long into the wee hours. This turns out to be completely accurate, with Professor Tiy-E leading the chants of trash talk, most of them directed at the Skipper, with occasional pauses to lean in the hut's window and scream at him directly. And I quote:

Professor Tiy-E: 'Who's your daddy?! I own you! You are nothing! Charrr-lie! Come out and plaaaay! I have a pool! I have a millionaire! Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha!'

Skipper (turns to Professor Andy): 'Okay, I need a pair of coconut earmuffs...'

Nothing quite like a college man, is there?

Professor Andy and Mary Ann Mandy (aww, isn't that cute?) walk away from all this and head down to the beach to lie back on the sand and enjoy a romantic sort of moment that Professor Andy's former girlfriend just broke his car's windows for. Gilligan Zac, whose job it is to break up any and all such interludes, invites himself over and joins the conversation. Professor Andy, perhaps trying to play the education card, asks Gilligan Zac what year of school he's in. Gilligan Zac admits he's between years, which is a long, complicated story centering around his mother's need for a lung transplant.

Pause.

A lung transplant. We've had people swear on their dead grandmothers, on the lives of their children, on just about every relative a person could conceivably have. And yet, somehow, it took this long for someone to play the medical crisis card in a standard elimination show. There were two people entitled to play it before this: one went home to be with her mother and the other was told to stay in the game as long as she could by her mother. Gilligan Zac has just claimed a medical emergency -- the sort of thing that made Professor Andy immediately admit he couldn't compete against him in the Final Two now: it would just be 'take it!' -- and we don't know if we can trust it. It could just be gameplay. It's certainly the sort of thing a Johnny Fairplay 2.0 would say. It would definitely advance your cause in the game if you claimed it to the right sort of people. It's a very big card and it covers a lot of ground. But until we learn otherwise -- it's a game piece. Nothing more.

Reality shows don't destroy trust. Reality shows make you realize that games are games, and some people may lie to get ahead. If it's the truth, then consider wishing Gilligan Zac luck. If it's a lie, then congratulate him on a fine move and hope he gets his in the end, and you can read that any way you like. You play your cards and you take the results as they come. And if you don't like consequences, don't enter games.

Resume.

There's still a trip to Voodoo Village waiting -- no, we're not going for the quad: the episode is almost out of time -- so Thurston and Mary Ann Mandy make the trip through a stormy stock-footage night while the remainder of both casts take shelter in the Professor's hut. The general opinion is that it'll be the Professors or Mary Anns up next. The general opinion is what it generally is on reality shows: wrong. The Loveys are up next: Donna vs. Melissa, so either one couple will be reunited or one couple will be broken up. And it's been a long day and a longer episode, so everyone heads for bed.

Which puts Lovey Melissa in a room with two people who have c-t admitted that they're willing to spoon her all night long, they think she's attractive, smells really good, and the word 'menage' has been thrown around a few times. The Howell Bounces are very caring people. They don't want Lovey Melissa to feel the least bit lonely on her night away from her fiance, and they're willing to do whatever it takes to prevent it. No holds barred.

And as it would happen, that's just when the episode runs out of time.

Who will be banished next? How many eliminations can they cram into one episode? Was the entire series just given away by the 'Coming up this season' trailer? And, perhaps most important of all to one million self-appointed watchdogs of American morality, did Melissa wake up with a smile on her face?

We may never know. But the FCC will still receive the complaints in the morning.

Next up: lots more people go home, and another victim gets to step into this spot and describe it. Peace, over and out.

Oh -- before I forget...

!*crash*!

And that's a new record!