LAST EDITED ON 06-09-05 AT 07:38 PM (EST)

I warned you.

I told you what would happen if you watched the show. I said it might turn into a success. Success breeds imitators. Success brings on a fleet of near-clones all looking to cash in on any semblance of fame, which means that yes, The Real Cheers is casting right now and we're going to get a really rude reminder that Norm's alcohol tolerance was amazing, legendary, and above all, fictional. But most of all, success brings -- sequels.

You watched, and now we all have to pay for it, because TBS isn't going to let that 0.00001 rating slip away so easily. They've found two new casts to compete for the roles, live in the huts, cook with the coconuts, and make us wish Sherwood had never reached maturity, which is sort of a shame because I understand he's a really decent person, but this is his fault and so he too must pay. Everyone involved must be punished. They must suffer as much as I'm going to suffer in having to watch this piece of mold-covered driftwood flounder in the waves for another eight episodes. So I'm going to make sure people hurt. Contestants may drown. Blood will flow. And I -- am going to write the first two summaries.

To let the punishment fit the crime, the punishment fit the crime...

In case you'd managed to block it from your memory, you lucky dog: previously on The First Attack In An Unending Wave Of Hostile Fire, fourteen people were brought to Playa del Carmen, dressed up like seven characters from a very bad sitcom that somehow managed to achieve the status of legend (which proves that nothing Ray Romano's done can ever be considered original), and told to start knocking off their counterparts until they got down to a single cast of seven. Once the initial salvo of coconut shells stopped, the survivors began their wholesale ripoff of the Survivors in earnest, right down to the idiotic failure to recognize the most open, blatant alliance imaginable, namely, a married couple that had slipped through the elimination process because getting two married couples into the show was actually part of the casting process, and if you want to know how powerful a voting block of two can be, say goodbye to six hours of your life and then ask Romber for details. In the end, a man worth over $500,000,000 won $250,000, which basically meant he put two weeks into earning what he makes in compound interest during one, and was flown back to civilization while the losers were permanently banished to the most dismal, miserable home anyone could find: FOX Reality.

Who will be brought to the island this season? Which D-List pseudo-celebrities on the downside of what could be referred to as 'their careers' (but not with a straight face) have been conned into playing the Gingers? Have any of Mark Burnett's sixteen thousand lawsuits been granted a court date yet? Will the Skippers finally stop hitting the Gilligans with their hats and move to the much more practical machete instead? As the idiot edit precaps keep asking, who will ultimately be rescued from the island? And will anyone care?

Yeah. Right. 'Care'. Roll opening credits.

And we're back with Generic Reality Host Version 3.6, who's standing in the middle of the island compound and telling us what each cast will be facing. 100 degree heat. Giant iguanas. Poisonous snakes. Coconut cream pie. And the biggest threat of all: the other cast, because none of these people have any clue that their karmic duplicates will be waiting to greet them. (You have to respect the casting directors just a little bit here. It must have been hard to find people who not only never saw the first season, but had never watched a reality show in their lives.) There will be danger. There will be peril. There will be as many Survivor ripoffs as can be crammed into eight episodes of screen time. But most of all, there will be DAWs -- so let's go meet them!

Standing by the dock of the bay, watching their career prospects slip away, we find the Orange Team, which consists of:

Gilligan Shawn, 23, personal assistant. He's been on boats before, mostly because some of his friends own them. They don't use them to go sailing or anything. They just lure women onto them with that undying hook line of 'Hey, baby, I own a boat.' As such, he can't rig a sail or fix a rudder, but put him on any model of sailing ship and he'll locate the beer cooler within three minutes. He admits to being completely clueless about surviving in the outdoors, which gives him a connection with the original character, who was clueless about everything. And he also admits that his main passion in life is meeting girls, which dissolves the connection right there, because his original's general feeling about girls is best expressed as 'Run away! Run away!' Fortunately, that's exactly how the women of the world feel about Gilligan Shawn.

Skipper Ken, 46, retired Navy petty officer. He really knows his way around a ship, and takes about thirty seconds to prove his Little Buddy doesn't know port from starboard, which is just one of the many things a Gilligan wouldn't know, so kudos to the casting directors again. There's a lot in common with the original here, starting with that 'retired Navy officer' status, moving on to a slightly short temper, and finishing with a love of hitting people with a hat. Sadly, this isn't The Real WWI P.O.W. Camp, so if you're looking for deep spike penetration, you'll have to wait until the History Channel announces their first reality show. Until then, just hope the poisonous snakes pick a warm spot to sleep.

Mary Ann Randi, 23, lifeguard. She's very insistent on that last part: within her first three minutes on the show, she manages to mention it about sixty-eight times. No one is allowed to drown on her watch. And 'allowed' is the right word, because Mary Ann Randi feels she's very friendly and easy to get along with, which is reality show code for 'Did you know the She Who Must Not Be Hired family had a Kansas branch?' This is demonstrated when Skipper Ken asks her if she knows how to cook and she counters by asking him if he knows how to eat. (He's a Navy man, so he knows how to eat. He just doesn't know how to enjoy it.)

Professor Tiy-E, 34, associate professor of human sexuality and psychology, and here we have the first horrible casting mistake of the season. And I don't mean his skin color. Yes, he's of African descent. Yes, he's one of the fifty people on the planet who can actually pull the dreadlocks look off. None of that would disqualify him from being the Professor. What does is a simple truth of college life: the teacher of the human sexuality course must have all the appeal of a cockroach sundae: morbidly detached interest is the best you can hope for. A human sexuality course must be the most boring thing imaginable. It has to render every potential joy of the human body into a tree-outline structure, written in block printing, with arrows pointing to numbered charts and, if at all possible, footnotes. The purpose of a human sexuality course is to make sure the students never have any interest in human sexuality again, starting with their own. The class must be spent in a desperate struggle to stay awake. It cannot be spent in a desperate struggle to stop having fantasies about the teacher, because that sort of thing really gets in the way when you're taking notes. This Professor is hot, and when you think 'hot', you can't think of the original, whose interest in the opposite sex was limited to the number of ways they could power his radio, and that doesn't even come close to being code for anything. This can't be good...

Thurston Jim and Lovey Donna (oh no, not another Donna...), 47 and 41, property owners. This time, our first millionaires are worth four million dollars, and instead of their first comments being on how all poor people must be enslaved and put to work on their plantation, which is sort of what we came to expect from all people named Donna who happened to have lucked into a few million dollars, they start with a few words on how nice the boat is and how attractive all their fellow contestants seem. The attractiveness of other people is of high importance to our Orange Howells, whose answer to the eternal 'Ginger or Mary Ann?' question is 'Both.' In bed. With them. Any time. Just give them five minutes to set an extra pillow out. And that's both people in the marriage. Not that there's anything wrong with this, because open marriages only really work when it's equal opportunity recruitment and it's nice to see a couple that understands each other, loves each other, and is willing to explore new avenues together, especially when you're on cable and need all the ratings help you can get. It's just that it's impossible to imagine anyone getting Mary Ann Randi into a group cuddle. She's a Mary Ann, y'know. And a lifeguard. Someone might drown.

Ginger Angie, like she's going to tell you, actress and model, and I've come full circle, because this is Angie The Mole. She was in Bordello of Blood, she was in a thousand photo shoots, and she was in the first summary I ever wrote. We're very familiar with each other, Angie and I. I've watched her swing at pinatas. I've witnessed her lying about fertility symbols. I've even seen her go topless for no apparent reason. She's a go-anywhere, do-anything sort of person, as long as anywhere and anything take place in front of a camera, and she's going to the island not because she wants to be the Real Ginger, but because she can't stop being the Real DAW and anything's better than a week spent out of the public eye. And that includes TBS. (You'd really think there would be a twelve-step program for this sort of thing. Poor, poor Angie...) Naturally, there's an instant Alpha Male struggle as soon as she gets near the boat, with Skipper Ken winning the battle over who's going to get her luggage. This is followed by as many hugs and kisses as the others (especially Professor Tiy-E) can scam, and an announcement that this is now a topless cruise. Ginger Angie, who isn't being paid by ABC for that sort of thing any more, just confessional-tells the camera that being stuck on an island with six strangers will be a living hell. And this is coming from someone who was stuck in Mexico with Dennis Rodman and Not-Anderson, so let's just call that the voice of uncertain-age-and-experience and move on.

Over at the Green dock -- yes, they brought back the Green Team, which is sort of like turning to half the contestants on Survivor 11 and saying 'We're going to try this again, so your tribe name is now Ulong' -- we have:

Gilligan Zac, 23, cabana boy, and that's probably code for something. Zac is very honest about himself. Most people who come onto reality shows are, as everyone here knows, desperate attention-seeking whores. Not Zac. Zac is a desperate attention-seeking addict. All Zac wants is for everyone around him to be watching everything he does, every minute of every day, for the rest of his life. Zac won't jump off the diving board until Mommy is looking. Zac thinks the greatest idea in human history was The Truman Show and he wants to be the star. Zac's so vain, he probably thinks this summary's about him. Zac would volunteer to write up an episode and we'd think it would be an ultimate insider perspective or whatever that works out to for a show no one cares about, but all we'd get would be a second-by-second account of Zac's favorite shooting angles, with one or two notations on what ungrateful jerks weren't watching him at the time. We know exactly where we stand with Zac. In front of the camera. Forever.

Skipper 'Crazy' Charlie, 49, marina owner and harbormaster. This man is from the bayou, and every word that comes out of his mouth pins his origins down a little more. Every other word that comes out of his mouth makes you want to strangle him. Skipper Charlie is a walking cliche fountain, which would be a lot more tolerable if anyone could understand what the cliches were, because they're bayou cliches and the total number of people who understand what they mean is about six. 'It's on like a chicken bone', he says. He says that a lot. What does that mean? Do chicken bones strike you as being particularly competitive? Is there is a Chicken Bone League every Saturday night in the Saints parking lot? Is this, deity help us, code for something? The world may never know, and the single worst way to settle the issue would be asking Skipper Charlie. Son of a gun, we're gonna have big migraine, on the island.

Mary Ann Mandy, 25, interior designer. This Mary Ann is happy and bubbly and perky and all sorts of other things that end in 'y' which make me want to take her on a three-hour tour and strand her on a desert island for forty years of insipid reruns, which means she's the single best casting match for her original and we have to congratulate the casting directors again, this time by stranding them with her. She's so cheerful that the only practical solution is to shoot her, and the aiming would be very easy because she has a built-in target: something in the middle of her forehead. Could be a freckle. Could be a mole. Could be a pimple. Could be a really sedate tick. It really doesn't matter because it's exactly the right size to serve as the center of a laser sight. Contestants who come with built-in elimination aids: a new innovation from TBS. Very Practical! (Randi and Mandy... oy...)

Professor Andy, 39, professor of engineering at Duke University, which means there are exactly two people on this board who care to know anything about him beyond that. In the interest of helping those two people out: he looks a little bit like his original and isn't really unattractive at all, he thinks his original was the ladies' man of the island and who knows where that came from, and Mary Ann Mandy admits she had a little crush on the original and is about to pass it on to the sequel. For everyone else, Dook Suxs.

Thurston Howie and Lovey Melissa, 58 and 32, pilot and cabaret performer. Technically, this is the Millionaire ($4.5m for this couple) and his Fiance, as the marriage is still a little ways off. And yes, there's a bit of an age difference here. They've had a few 'And will Sir's daughter be having the wine?' experiences out there in the wide world. It's a May/November romance with a rich man in the November role, which doesn't mean they don't actually love each other and you should feel ashamed of yourself for thinking that. You watch way too much Lifetime, you know that? You see one little age difference and the first thing you think of is golddigging? When did you learn to stop trusting people? Why do you insist people's feelings can only be motivated by money? How much time have you spent reading that thread on the Apprentice forum?

Ginger Erika, 35 and proud of it, actress and model. She's been on Baywatch, which is probably sort of important to somebody, and she's actually been Ginger before this, which is sort of important to -- to -- give me a minute... Anyway, she's met and kissed the original Gilligan, which is definitely important if you're trying to induce vomiting, and she knows a lot about running into the water in slow motion, which may come in handy at some point during the season, although fast motion is more this series' speed. She doesn't know much about swimming or rescuing people because of the whole 'acting' thing, but that's okay because -- just to remind you for the hundred and twenty-eighth time -- there's a certified lifeguard on duty. And don't forget it.

And they're off! Both three-hour tours are underway, and so are the initial power struggles: Skipper Charlie wants to dictate island life because the Skipper is supposed to be the natural leader, while Thurston Howie wants to remind him that it's his unmatchable navigational skills that get them stranded on the island in the first place. Gilligan Zac is willing to chase down and eat anything on the island, from wild boar on up. Skipper Charlie thinks Gilligan Zac will spend more time chasing women than he will going after boar. Gilligan Zac replies that once he has the meat, the women will naturally follow. The PTC puts their bulk E-mail programs through a few stretching exercises, just to get warmed up.

And then...

The weather starts getting rough. The tiny ships are tossed. If not for the presence of (censored) TBS, both casts would be lost. (Both casts would be lost.) But the ships set down on the shore of a very charted desert island, with pre-built huts, some hammocks too, lots of coconuts, but no wine, some uncomfortable beds, cameras pointing at the DAWs, now on Season Two!

The Orange cast arrives first on a roasting hot day and is gestured into the camp by v3.6, who greets them, tells them their first job is to make the best they can of things while working to be rescued -- which, compared to certain CBS walks in the park, is going to be outright simple: as with the first season, they're living in a near-exact mockup of the original set, so the shelters are already there and come with furniture. And, of course, they'll have to deal with whatever twists the show throws their way, starting with -- this one.

In walks the Green cast.

Stares. Shock. Laughter. Professor Tiy-E decides he and Professor Andy look a lot alike. Skipper Charlie looks at Skipper Ken and declares 'So you can't drive a boat neither, huh?' Mary Ann Randi and Gilligan Shawn take the news less than well. Both Gingers start checking for the best camera angles. The Millionaires instinctively size up each other's net worth. (Magna wins.)

v3.6 explains the rules for the first half of the game. As with the first season, the casts will be matched up in a series of contests: Professor vs. Professor, Skipper vs. Skipper, and so on down the line, with the rest of the cast helping to defend their stereotype of the day. The winner becomes the lone archetype on the island and gets to have their real first name dropped from the summaries, and their cast will also enjoy a reward that cannot be shared with the other cast at any time: if they do, the reward will be removed. The loser is banished to the other side of the island, where they'll have to live with the original Lovey Donna Beavens (who still hasn't been rescued) until such time as they finally kill her or themselves, whichever's easier. Until that time, the cast members will share the appropriate huts and enjoy life on the island as best they can. And the ultimate winner will receive a quarter of a million dollars.

(At this point, we get a pair of c-ts: Gilligan Shawn admits to being a con artist who'll do anything to win, while Lovey Donna says the prize will do nicely to buy a ninth house. This might be seen as an attempt to make us forget Ms. Beavens and turn to our new Donna (last name of Bounce), but 1. They're property owners, so she's talking about investing and 2. It's like trying to make people forget New York City traffic by making them wait at a red light for two whole minutes.)

The casts are given a little time to get into their huts and unpack, which will be followed by a competition for the first reward: access to the island's shower. Everyone grabs their bags and disperses.

Each hut has a little something connected with the original from the series: Professor Tiy-E finds himself the proud owner of a bamboo electric toothbrush, which fascinates the rest of the Orange cast. Ginger Angie, witnessing the gadget in operation, declares that it could become her best friend on the island. Professor Tiy-E decides to keep the toothbrush, but Ginger Angie shouldn't worry because he has it on good authority that Gilligan Shawn can move that fast. Gilligan Shawn ruefully admits that the size is a perfect match, too. This can't possibly be code for anything, so the editors just wasted a minute of screen time on complete nonsense. Did they have to duplicate the sitcom that closely?

Mary Ann Randi c-t declares that all the sex talk -- what sex talk? -- is making her uncomfortable, then suggests the group explore the island a little. The others notice her lack of connection to the group, particularly Gilligan Shawn -- but go out to explore anyway.

Meanwhile, in the Skipper's hut, the Green cast finds ration bars, which Skipper Charlie will be in charge of. He's the Skipper, so he's in charge. He keeps trying to say that, and we're not sure it means what he thinks it means. But it's still better than trusting to Gilligan Zac who, in spite of the presence of numerous huts, decides that at some point, the casts will be challenged to build their own shelter, and it's probably a good idea to practice right now. This leads to Gilligan Zac, Mary Ann Mandy, and Professor Andy scouring the beach for whatever bits of flotsam, jetsam, and construction crew debris they can find. This results in several bottles, a huge hank of rope, one bit of rubber tubing, some pieces of wood, and an overhead shot of Mary Ann Mandy on her stomach, crawling through the brush. The later inspires Gilligan Zac to stuff a pair of coconut husks down the front of his pants for no apparent reason, and leads to the following exchange between those watching from the camp.

Ginger Erika: 'Has Gilligan lost his mind?'
Skipper Charlie. 'Naw -- he's just being Gilligan!'

And how.

The attempt to build the ultimate hermit crab hotel is interrupted by team meetings. The Greens have an AA gathering -- according to Skipper Charlie, this stands for All Allowed, and wouldn't he know? -- on the beach, where rationing, potential cast issues, and taking stock of the Orange cast is discussed. (Everyone's happy to leave the work delegation to Skipper Charlie -- for now. After all, they can't vote him off for several episodes, and until then, it's always nice to have someone willing to do the labor, especially when it's not you.) The Oranges gather in a hut to talk about how vital winning the shower will be in a 100-degree environment, and are still doing so when the radio goes off and announces the first challenge. (Thurston Howie initially thinks it's a transmission from the mainland. He also thinks you won't be judgmental when it comes to his love life. Poor, poor Thurston Howie...) Everyone heads down to the beach to meet up with v3.6 again, with Gilligan Shawn c-t thrilled to be on the Orange cast instead of the Green, because the Green are a bunch of derelicts and weird-looking people -- and he's tackled! Gilligan Shawn has just been wrestled to the ground by a bunch of people in business suits! They're clawing at his face! He's screaming in some sort of Northern accent -- wait -- his nose just came off! His face is peeling away! It's Boston Rawb! He's made it onto another reality show! Burnett is slapping him! There's some sort of yelling about sole ownership, or maybe that's a homonym... it's over. He's been cuffed. They're leading him down the beach towards the Quit Boat -- and here comes the real Gilligan Shawn, rubbing at the rope burns on his wrists, and boy, doesn't he look embarrassed. (sigh) Poor, poor Gilligan Shawn...

Both casts gather on the beach, on their -- can you guess? Did you say mats? I'm so proud! -- and learn that they need something important to survive on this island, which is -- come on, this is easy -- right! Fire! It's always fire! -- and now they have to make their own! The first challenge to win a reward involves making fire! Gosh, we've never seen this before!

The challenge structure: two rafts are floating out in the water -- far enough out so that it'll take a while to reach them, close enough to let the casts walk all the way. There's six crates and a Lowe's toolbox -- gee, someone sponsoring a challenge? What a radical idea! -- on each raft. The crates contain things that can help you make fire: the toolbox probably contains tools and definitely contains the means of financing the challenge 'cause there's only so many Listerine shots you can get in this early. The casts will try to make fire with the provided equipment. Once they get the flames high enough, they'll burn through a rope -- the innovation here is just startling -- releasing a bucket of water that'll dump itself on the other casts' fire. First cast to extinguish the hopes and dreams of the competition gets exclusive access to the bicycle-powered shower for the rest of the season. And again: no sharing. Or else.

v3.6 blows the whistle -- and they're off! Into the ocean in full character clothes! Wet jeans! Soaked Oxford shirts! Drenched evening gowns that really retain water! Both casts half-walk, half-splash their way to the rafts, with the Green cast taking an early lead. Both Skippers immediately figure out that the crates have to be kept dry and instruct their teams to carry them back above the waterline, but if anyone can mess that up, it's a Gilligan, and Gilligan Shawn practically uses his as a float all the way back. This can be no problem at all or a complete disaster depending on what's in the crate -- and once some of the contents start coming out upon the return to the beach, we're edging towards 'disaster'. Crate contents include firewood, magnifying glasses, four matches, a battery, one flint, steel wool and files, shredded newspaper -- as promised, all things very helpful for making fire, but most of them have to be dry first. Wet newspaper doesn't do much for providing flame until you hit the message boards the next morning.

'I grabbed a magnifying glass and we learned how not to build a fire,' Thurston Howie c-ts, and the experience is shared by both casts. Mary Ann Randi takes the steel wool and starts hitting it with a hammer. Much to her surprise, the hammer does not catch fire. Not to be outdone, Gilligan Zac takes his steel wool and starts rubbing it with a battery. The battery also does not catch fire. The matches also aren't catching fire, primarily because no one's thought to use them. Professor Tiy-E demonstrates his educational background by realizing that wind doesn't catch fire, but it can put them out, and turns Gilligan Shawn into a mobile wind shield. Much to everyone's surprise, Gilligan Shawn promptly catches fire. The one and only case of spontaneous human combustion on film record is ruined for all time when Gilligan Shawn inconsiderately puts himself out in the ocean before using his blazing body to burn through the rope. Mary Ann Randi immediately tosses off a c-t about Gilligan Shawn having no sense of teamwork, then goes back to trying to make a flame using a stick and -- a stick.

Finally, someone on the Green cast gets the brilliant idea to light a match and touch it to the shredded newspaper. Amazingly, this results in fire.

The Green cast huddles around their flame to protect it from the wind, buying it the time it needs to get some strength, and for all intents and purposes, it's over right there: the Orange cast never gets so much as a really strong ember going before the rope parts and sends a torrent of water onto the tinder pile, cast, and dreams of not smelling like a wild boar for one night. The curse of the first season has been broken. The Green cast has won something, Ulong would be redeemed if there was any real connection whatsoever, and both casts head back to camp.

Skipper Charlie is thrilled to have won the first reward because showers will make the women on his cast happy 'and if the women ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy.' Professor Tiy-E tries a little psychological warfare, insisting that it's not like the Greens won the World Serious (his words) or anything, but the Greens are too busy throwing their reward in the Orange's faces to listen, eventually winding up with Skipper Charlie on the bicycle controls and all six of the others in the shower at the same time. Mostly clothed. Mostly. (This leads Lovey Donna and Thurston Jim to have some trouble with the 'no sharing' concept, although their thoughts of sharing aren't necessarily based around the shower.) Skipper Ken and Mary Ann Randi decide tomorrow is another day for the Greens to lose, and head off to bed.

A quick montage of first-night jitters -- Gilligan Zac can't get any sleep in the hammock and crashes on the picnic table, Thurston Jim retreats to an outdoor hammock to escape the snoring of the other Millionaires, and Ginger Angie groans and moans about sore backs and no comfort and she's too much of a princess for this living and there isn't even a gourmet pea in sight -- and then it's the next morning.

There's no challenges scheduled, so it's a goof-off and goof-on day. Professor Tiy-E and Gilligan Shawn spend some time discussing Gilligan Zac -- see? He has their attention! -- whose sleeping on the picnic table, debris-gathering, and general ADHD behavior qualify him as a perfect study subject to Professor Tiy-E (who finds him the most interesting person on the island, in that 'I could get another PhD paper out of this' way) and as a freak to Gilligan Shawn. Lovey Donna uses the morning rainbow as an excuse to hug Lovey Melissa and Thurston Howie at the same time. Ginger Angie teaches Mary Ann Mandy a little about runway walking, and who knows, that could lead to a Maxim photo shoot or something. Professor Tiy-E tries a little more psyching out on Skipper Charlie by declaring himself to be a soul vampire, but Skipper Charlie is from the bayou and knows how to deal with soul vampires: send them to the bookstore for their latest dose of Rice. The Greens take more showers, with Mary Ann Mandy getting one in with Professor Andy that leads to a lot of c-t squealing and a justified plan by the Oranges to drain the water tank in the dead of night. It also triggers a fit of jealousy in Gilligan Zac, because she isn't paying attention to him. He has just a little bit of a crush on Mary Ann Mandy. Mary Ann Mandy has a huge crush on Professor Andy. Lovey Melissa thinks Gilligan Zac and Mary Ann Mandy make the cuter couple. Luke is going to marry Laura, but their families are still trying to keep them apart.

'What happens on Gilligan's Island,' Mary Ann Mandy giggle-squeals, 'stays on Gilligan's Island!' And if only you would stay there with it.

Ginger Angie breaks up the brewing love triangle by asking Gilligan Zac for a little help in gathering coconuts. He obliges with an expert shimmy up the palm tree, recovering one prime specimen to the most bored 'Look out below' you could imagine from Mary Ann Randi. The coconut is then bashed with the largest rocks he can find to no avail for quite some time. (Again: it's not the size of the rock: it's how you use it.) The husk finally gives up out of boredom, and the casts start carving up the interior with producer-provided knives.

(We interrupt this summary to bring you a brief moment of non-bashing. Please stand by.)

Angie, still tired from a night of bad sleep and little food, isn't quite paying attention to what she's doing. The knife slips and goes all the way though the right side of her left hand, completely severing two tendons. Her scream draws the attention of the others, who quickly gather around to see if there's anything they can do -- but the injury is well beyond the capability of first aid: severed tendons have to be brought back together in a hospital, and the operation is both painful and takes months to fully heal. Angie, past pain and well into shock, cradles her bleeding hand in the folds of her dress and wanders towards the crew side of the island, seeking medical attention. This is quickly granted: a helicopter comes in, and Angie is medivaced to the nearest hospital.

With one medical emergency in progress, Shawn decides he'd better let the others know about the possibility of a second one developing. He's a Type 1 diabetic and has to be extremely careful about his sugar intake. His testing supplies and emergency medication are with him on the island, but it's essential that someone other than him knows how to use it, and he takes a few minutes to explain things to Tiy-E and Ken, who agree to have his back.

(We apologize for having briefly treated people like human beings. Won't happen again in this summary. Sorry. We now return to your regularly scheduled bashing, already in progress.)

It turns out that a mild sugar imbalance makes Gilligan Shawn a little bit irritable, which may be the single earliest attempt at a redemption edit ever seen on a reality show. If his balance is off, all he can do is tell people to shut up, which may be the single earliest attempt at a political career ever seen on a reality show. In fact, if he's really off, all he can do is talk about the Red Sox, which doesn't exactly come as a surprise since being Really Off is the prime requirement for following the team. The prospect of another study subject endears him to Professor Tiy-E, and the two agree to rig up a basketball court together. This is done using shredded rope and the rubber tubing from Gilligan Zac's scavenger hunt for a hoop, with small rocks and fruit pits for balls. No dribble, no spinning, and the rebound angles are entirely unnatural, but at least you get to add 'swallowing' to the goaltending moves. Both casts get into the modified game and start having lots of fun as the sun goes down -- except for Mary Ann Randi, who feels that anyone out here on their personality can go out on their ears: she wanders by with a sardonic 'What do you think you're on, ESPN?', momentarily spoiling the activities.

Professor Andy c-t notes Mary Ann Randi has become the loner on the island, someone with no friends or allies. Mary Ann Randi's c-t response is that she's out here to be in a competition, not to make friends. (Somewhere in America, MTW makes a check on his list and doesn't know why.)

And what do men do after they play sports? Talk about sex! It turns out the Gilligans have something in common: both of them remember Ginger Erika from Under Siege, both of them were teens at the time, and they both wore out their tapes on the scene where she pops out of the cake. Gilligan Zac notes that the pause on the scene would only hold for so long before the VCR shut down the tape. Gilligan Shawn replies that he didn't need that long. To quote a recent webstrip, we have just left Too Much Information Avenue and moved onto Why The Hell Do We Have Free Speech Again Street -- but we had already turned the corner when Gilligan Zac c-ted us Ginger Erika was the first woman he'd ever -- well -- taken into his heart and soul as a perfect model of things to come while gazing at her for extended periods, at least until the Pause function shut down. Sure. Let's just put it that way. It kind of makes you wonder how Ginger Erika will take the flattery when she finally sees the episode. You'd like to think that sort of thing would be seen as a compliment.

This conversation is thankfully broken into by the radio, which instructs both casts to report to Voodoo Village, still the world's stupidest-looking potential elimination set (accept no substitutes). Skipper Charlie isn't afraid of voodoo -- it's his natural turf -- but the others are a little unnerved, and everyone troops off to the oversized tiki heads -- to the exact same shots we had in the first season. The same camera angles. The same full moon. The same faked earthquake. And in case anyone cares, the cheese is now up to chin-depth.

v3.6 is waiting at the place where no demonstrations of live sacrifice will be conducted and no one will have any pins stuck in them, although walking zombies are pretty much a reality show standard, and instructs the cast members to sit next to their counterparts. The first head-to-head competition is about to be assigned. Each night, two people will come to Voodoo Village and retrieve a box with a doll inside. Normally, the box cannot be opened until they return to camp -- but for tonight only, Ginger Erika can open it here once v3.6 departs. The doll will indicate which cast members are about to fight for the right to lose their real names, and that competition will be on the next day. Oh, and Ginger Angie isn't ready to come back yet plus they've been having trouble finding 300-thread count sheets for her hospital bed: the casts will be kept updated on her situation.

v3.6 leaves. Ginger Erika goes over to the box and opens it to find --

-- a Skipper doll. The sacred reversed order of the song is no longer in play.

Fourteen cast members came into the first episode. As with the original season, one has already fallen to injury, and two are about to compete and see which one leaves. And in the end, only one will be rescued from -- The Real Gilligan's Island.

Which is still one too many. But when you start with fourteen DAWs, twelve stranded and one injured really isn't that bad, right?

Next up: Skipper vs. Skipper, and -- well -- me. You might as well stay tuned. It's already too late to stop The Real Cliff Clavens.

I'll probably have to summarize that.

Poor, poor me...