LAST EDITED ON 07-26-04 AT 03:52 PM (EST) Next is the massage, pedicure and manicure. The girls call it ”pampering”. Jack comments that he thought life in the Outback was hard. Anyway, he survived spa treatments and its time for bed. Natalie can’t wait to fall asleep in her 1000 thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, but Maria secretly has other sleeping arrangements in mind, as she sneaks down to Jack’s room unbeknownst to the other girls. I’m a baaaad girl, she tells the camera. Jack, the spa treatments were worth it my friend. The last image we see is Jack closing the door behind the cameraman.
Welcome back to Outback Jack – the show that answers the question “How low will TBS sink to avoid another hour of Saved By The Bell reruns in their programming schedule?
Anyway, it’s week 5 and we return to find Outback Jack and his five remaining high maintenance beauties – Natalie, Maria, Mere-De, Adrienne, and Cortney–without-a-“U” preparing to head to the big city of Perth, where Jack will be able to see the girls in their natural environment. But, due to the ever shrinking travel budget this show has placed itself on, their plane is only big enough for Jack and four ladies, so he must eliminate one right now, at the beginning of the episode. We are left wondering just how JD and the eliminated girl will make their way back to civilization. Will there be more camel riding?
TENSE DRAMA UNFOLDS as Jack tells the girls one by one whether they’re going. I’m just going to skip to the end since the speech is always the same and never funny. Suffice to say, Jack takes each one on a roller coaster ride, using the requisite “buts” and “howevers” to try to fool the women into thinking they are being dumped. What fun!
For those of you who want to feel the drama of the actual elimination ceremony, continue with this paragraph. Otherwise, feel free to skip down to the next paragraph where I’ll reveal who Jack eliminates …….But………… However………………. But…………….. However…………………….. But………………………… However…………….. Now, wait exactly one minute before continuing on……….. It’s between Adrienne and Mere-De………………Okay, continue!
The girls he eliminates is ……... Adrienne! He says they had a spiritual connection, but not a romantic one. Well, that was pretty clear all the way back to week 3 when they kissed each other like brother and sister. Even Adrienne agrees as she leaves. Anyway, it was a profound spiritual journey for her. The newcomer Mere-De is staying as she and Jack have a special connection. He wants her to continue the journey and all I can say is at least he didn’t call it a process!
It’s time to board the plane now, and the girls can’t wait to plug in the blow dryer, fire up the credit cards, and use a flushable toilet. Jack can’t wait to return to the Outback. They take a limo to their hotel, and Jack already looks like a caged animal - the despair is apparent on his face. He calls it Bloody Torture and they haven’t even arrived at their destination yet. Natalie, who is never at a loss for words (and is seemingly always on camera, wants a facial, a pedicure, manicure and a latte. My guess is that Natalie would order a grande, nonfat, no whip, half-caff, 3-pump sugar-free vanilla latte, extra hot, with extra foam. A latte is sounding pretty good to me right now, since I haven’t had my morning cup of coffee – I think I’ll order one just like Natalie would. But first, the girls must choose roommates. Cortney agrees to room with Mere-De, which is a relief to Maria. She doesn’t like the newcomer Mere-De. Mere-De is not one of them.
As soon as they get settled, they are going to give Jack a makeover. Jack doesn’t know what a makeover is, but he’s certain he’ll hate it. The girls check out their rooms and are ecstatic at the luxury. In fact, they spend the next few minutes having a religious experience reacting to their opulent new surroundings. The original girls are surprised that Mere-De is excited about all this because they figured she liked the bugs and the dirt.
The girls go get Jack – it’s time for spa treatments. They’re certain Jack is going to LOVE this! The spa concierge, a conservatively dressed woman who appears to be in her mid-40’s, greets them and gives them all robes to change into. Apparently, she also gave Jack a pair of briefs which he opts not to wear since he plans to have kids someday. She asks whether he has something under his robe, and Jack replies with a devilish grin that he certainly does! Wow, Jack is apparently into older women! You go, Jack!. The girls are being pampered with exfoliation treatments and some kind of gooey seaweed skin treatment, but the spa lady is apparently torturing Jack (judging from his screams) – with exfoliation treatments and a seaweed goo.. Next up is the eyebrow plucking and body waxing. Do girls really like this stuff?
Time for shopping, and Jack is about to get a glimpse of what he’s really in store for if he chooses one of these women. The girls show their hunting and gathering skills as they find the best bargains all over the city of Perth. They show their ability to navigate unknown terrain, never stopping for directions as they search for Neiman Marcus and Saks 5th Avenue. Jack finally finds something he likes in the Jungle Wear section of Banana Republic or the Discovery Channel store, I couldn’t tell which one. It looks exactly like the outfit he wore during the Outback portion of the series.
Each of the girls will arrange for private dates with Jack, the first time he’s been able to truly spend some time alone with each of the girls (and a camera crew, of course). Maria’s date starts with some yoga, or as Jack calls it, “stretching”. Maria has already proven herself to be quite limber apparently, and they discuss how well they “slept” last night, and says she’d LOVE to take a nap now. Privately, she tells us Jack was too much of a gentleman last night and she would have liked to be more intimate.
Over a snack, Maria tells Jack she believes in momentum., and apparently said momentum is keeping her from being able to keep her lips off his face. He doesn’t seem to mind.
Privately, Natalie tells us she and the other girls are starting to get a little tired of Maria’s aggressive approach and say she doesn’t respect the other girls there. Natalie, if she doesn’t respect herself, how can you expect her to respect the rest of you?
Mere-De’s date is next. They ride motorcycles to a park and have a picnic. Jack says they are on the same level, and of course feelings are starting to emerge. Can’t we just once have a bachelor say ”I really don’t have any feelings for this girl, how can I let her down easy?” Or something like that? Jack kisses Mere-De. She’s surprised, but apparently doesn’t mind and shyly kisses him back.
Cortney’s date – starts in a revolving restaurant that has a 360 degree view of the city. She tells Jack she wants to be there and wants to know more about him. She wonders if there is chemistry between them. Cortney – personally, I think you are flat out gorgeous (I had to slip that in somewhere), but frankly, if you have to ask , then the chemistry isn’t there. . Despite the lack of chemistry, Jack’s enjoying this time with Cortney and says it’s the most relaxed he’s been since encountering the 12 beasts – his words, not mine.
Natalie’s date – she’s taking Jack to a club/art gallery. Jack has to ask Natalie if she’s comfortable around him because apparently, even though we hear a LOT from Natalie- - she has more private screen time than the other girls combined, she isn’t opening up to Jack. Maybe she’s spending so much time in private confessionals, there’s little time left for Jack. Jack gives her his shark tooth necklace for safekeeping, and they make out some a little bit. According to Natalie, it’s gentle and nice, and not the full-contact tonsil hockey that Maria’s been playing with Jack.
Cut to Marissa, somewhere else in Australia. She’s lounging by the pool awaiting the time to return to the Outback. She is still her bitchy self, it seems.
Time to return to the Outback, and JD tells Jack he must eliminate one of the women before they return to the Outback tomorrow. Again, the travel budget is apparently shrinking, but we are left to wonder, as JD doesn’t explain why there is only room for 3 this time. In the morning, we get this episode’s twist. The girls are offered the key to the suite they are staying in. If they drop out of the running now, they can stay in the suite and enjoy all the amenities and spa treatments they want for two weeks! Seems kind of cheap, but then I’m reminded this IS TBS and not one of the major networks. The girls have an hour to think about it. Cortney says taking the offer would get her away from the other conniving girls. Mere-De says it would help her avoid rejection, Natalie says the spa treatments and hotel would be right up her alley, and Maria says, maybe the fling is over and now it’s time for vacation.
Back from commercial, and the girls must tell Jack whether they took the offer . All four girls tell Jack they are staying with him and traveling back to the Outback. This is flattering to Jack, but also, doesn’t give him the easy out he was hoping for. He must now eliminate one of the girls who just told him she would rather go with him to the Outback amidst the bugs and dirt than stay and spend two weeks in the lap of luxury.
Elimination time again – the second one this episode. If you want more suspense than I am providing, just go back to the top of this summary and relive Adrienne’s departure. First up is Mere-De. Blah, blah, blah, …………..But……………However, she’s staying. Same for Maria, which leaves us with Cortney and Natalie. Jack calls Natalie over to him, and he talks to her lips first, then the rest of her, telling her that she’s staying. So Cortney is last, and her fate has been decided. He tells her, “Cortney, you are amazing, but you ARE Cortney without a “u” and I am Jack , also without “u”. Unfortunately, I’m going to the Outback without “u”. Well I wish he would have said something like that. Everyone is sad that Cortney’s leaving. I am very sad and truly can’t figure out why he keeps Natalie, unless the producers have asked to keep her around for comic relief.
The girls and Jack finally get back to their Outback home, where Jack must immediately rescue Natalie from a 3-inch long spider. In the morning, Natalie tells us she is afraid of rats and prefers snakes to rats. This is JD’s cue to enter camp and tell the girls that one more rat (or snake?) will be joining them in the Outback, as Marissa comes in from the brush. The girls are thrilled to see her and give her big hugs and kisses. By “the girls”, I am, of course, referring to Jack! Marissa tells us privately that since she’s back, it’s a whole new game.
Next week – deadly creatures (Marissa), high tensions (Marissa), and Jack is GONE! (Marissa?) Read about it here on realitytvworld.com!
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