Whole new week, same shitty show: The Casino Ep7 summary

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This is what I signed up for?: The Casino Ep7 Summary

Previously on The Hellhole
No high rollers came into The Golden Nugget
Ren and Stimpy bashed each other’s heads in with mallets
CQ came up like a trooper and did the summary in a time of need

Also the episode begins with more of last week over the amazing Vegas landscape. We saw one of the white males on the show, by the name of Matt Dusk. Not shockingly, after his amazing experience in the showroom, he will never see that showroom again. He is denied his show, and really, who cares about this storyline? Another white male singer not getting out of obscurity but trying to because he is on a reality show. Oh, yeah, Tommy’s bitching again about being in the Pit with his arch-nemesis Monique and a bunch of older and more experienced dealers

Now, I have to give the 9th level of hell its props. The Theme Song is very catchy, in fact, it is by far the best part of this God forsaken show. It reminds me a bit of this Foxwoods’ commercial in New England, with “The Wonder of it All” jingle. It’s one of the better commercials up here, which really says a lot about New England’s local commercial selection. Anyway, is anyone getting real sick of the “What Happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas” slogan? I saw the commercials about 9,384 times during the World Series of Poker re-runs. We get it, if a guy has sex with a transvestite in Vegas, and the Fox cameras don’t catch it, it is secret. OK, fine. Did I mention we are only 2 minutes through the show? My god.

(I would like to put a note here, that my rant on the jingle and me liking it? Pure bullshit. It is the most annoying thing you’ll ever hear.
Take a chance …
make it happen…
pop the cork…
finger snappin…
spin the wheel…
round and round it goes…
life is good…
life is sweet…
grab yourself a front row seat…
*pounds self into submission*)

To begin the actual meat (spam) of the episode, we have Dennis and Roy arrive to speak with Ren (Tom) and Stimpy (Tim) about bringing their classy, elegant, and professional show to the Golden Nugget. Long story short, Dennis and Roy are promoting T&A Bowling, Stimpy looks at the porn and is hesitant until he hears the words “player list”, which intrigues him. Stimpy seems very concerned on the ridiculous cost (I think I missed the actual cost, what was it, 75k?), but Ren wants to stand up for himself and make a decision, so he says yes. Really though, what would have happened if he said no? We’d have no episode and it would make all 74 viewers happy, but nope, Burnett likes to torture us.

Just to get everyone updated on what actually happens here
-Girls come in clothed with short skirts and shirts (silicon included).
-Girls bowl with High Rollers
-Manager gets paid 75k for bring the girls in to flaunt themselves and gamble.

5 minutes in, 800 brain cells dead from the beginning of the show.

Oh my God! Matt Dusk is back! Guess what! He doesn’t like how his job is going! The sky is blue! I am fat! I am tired! I hate this show! Wooooooooooooooohooooooooooooo.
Speaking of repetitive stories, Tommy is going up to Stimpy and Maurice (talent director or something. You get a prize if you can identify him) to complain for a job as a host. I figure he is going up there for a ##### too, since to have this many opportunities must involve some sort of sexual satisfaction and a family member in the business. Maurice says Tommy is a natural for the job and Stimpy agrees, Tommy becomes entry-level host…again. BTW, I am now opening my own table in the Golden Turd. Namely, I put on odds for events in this show, and people bet. We all have fun.

Fishercat’s Casino Table
Bet #1: When will Tommy lose his position as Host?
Episode 8: 3:2 odds
Episode 9: 4:1 odds
Episode 10: 8:1 odds
Cancellation before job is lost: Even

Bet #2: When will Matt Dusk get an actual gig?
Never: 1000 : 999 odds
Before cancellation: You can own the casino if that happens

Bet #3: When will Stimpy have his first heart attack?
Episode 9: 4:1
Episode 10: 3:1
Episode 11: 2:1
Episode 12: 9:8
Cancellation will happen before heart attack: Even

Anyway, back to the show, or even better…THE COMMERCIAL BREAK!!!

-The Casino is brought to us by AOL, which proves that crap CAN defecate.
-AOL commercial (9.0 with virus protection for e-mail, just like Yahoo)
-Models wear Kmart clothes, 2 commit suicide
-Hidalgo DVD (Amount of advertised DVD’s I won’t buy: 1)
-Valtrex (Medicine commercial that gives no purpose for taking the pill)
-Visibly Firm (Shampoo? New Viagra?)
-KFC commercial (KFC says their food costs half as much as a local restaurant. Great marketing, fast food costing somewhat near a normal good restaurant)
-Malibu Complex commercial. People ##### and build houses. Sounds like a Fox Reality Show ©

Anyway, we are back to the show and Tommy is in the pit with his last night of dealing. If that’s his last night of dealing, this is Stimpy’s night of getting lucky with all these ladies that are coming in tonight. Monique, who officially is the only good character in this scripted reality show talks to Tommy for a bit. She learns that he got thrown out of Junior College after she asks about his experience (she is wondering how the hell he got a deal as a host. Little does she know that father and son both have their lips attached to Ren and Stimpy’s asses.). Tommy makes a crack about Utah, which officially alienates half the fan base (they were watching for hopes of more men with multiple women, but this offended them) of the Casino.

I would like to note at this point, that my VCR tape screwed up, so I may have missed something here, I think I missed about 3 minutes of the show or so

From when I got the tape back to a sane state of being (can’t say that much about me), we are upstairs in one of the owner’s suites or something. Some white guy is showing off 500/1000 dollar bills as Matt Dusk is up there trying to become the Yak to TimTom’s Ren and Stimpy (5 points to anyone who gets the reference).

In another part of the building, Tommy is stealing part of his father’s office since he is a new host. How sweet.

Ren is bitching now too, much like every other character on the show. He hasn’t gotten his player list from Roy yet and he sends Zach (who?) to go get the list from Roy. Not shockingly, they didn’t follow up well on the story, supposedly one of the other guys in the Casino had the list and gave it to Ren. I was so excited for this rich storyline too, oh snap.

It is now 20-25 minutes through the show, and the vaunted Bikini Bowlers finally arrive at The Golden Nugget. Tommy hits puberty as they arrive and he’s standing behind a desk. Now, I am adding a 4th, short-term bet to my Casino

Bet #4
Who will be the host for these Bikini Girls:
A. Tommy (Odds: Even)
B. Ren and/or Stimpy (Odds; 2:1)
C. A brothel owner (Odds: 4:1)
D. Monique (Odds: I needed a D answer, so sue me)

Anyway, as you could guess, this is Tommy’s first gig as a Host (you know, like his last first gig was that drunk guy). And here we go to the best part of the show, commercials

-The one commercial I enjoyed tonight. It’s the Kevin Garnett one where he carries The Golden Nugget staff and fan base to “He’s Got the Whole World, In His Hands”. That thing is getting an Emmy for most sacrilegious use of a religious song in a commercial.
-Mini-Jared gets a bit skinnier through Subway
-Sudafed’s in Aisle 5 commercial. Did you know Sudafed heals everything? The Cold, The Flu, The Cough, The Railroad Spike through the head, Bad Celebrity Show Trauma. Everything is healed with the immortal Sudafed.
-Guys on a skateboard get and quit a job for Coke
-Black girl isn’t a pot smoker, although everyone thinks she is.
-T-Mobile commercial
-Trading Spouses ad, the far better summer reality show on Fox, and that one is a major rip-off.

FOX decides to give us one of their serious warnings, that there are adult sexual situations that may not be suitable for children. Did we really need this though? This show was never suitable for children to begin with

-Bad Role Models
-Bad Examples of Living
-Transsexual Sex
-This show kills any working ability to think

Now our happy Casino show shifts over to the Casino Bowling Alley. Did anyone know that the Casino HAD a bowling alley before today? Really, did anyone ever mention such an attraction before? Well, the Bikini Bowlers are there. There have to be about 20+ women, and I don’t see a single bikini yet. Talk about a misnomer of a name so far. Here we meet DENNY and DENNY is a high roller. DENNY seems like a guy who would spend a lot of money, get drunk, and waste away in a Casino. He is also the only notable High Roller that the attraction brought. Tommy makes a bad sex joke towards him, and that is an official Casino staple, Tommy making a crude comment towards a customer, and Tommy says since there aren’t any High Rollers, he may get lucky. No comment.

Somewhere in here, two Russian girls (Olga and someone else) give some inaudible gargle that I think The Casino gave some subtitles for.

DENNY makes a bet with another gambler there, that he can get a strike
DENNY gets 4:1 odds that he can get a strike on his next roll and he bets 50k
DENNY misses the head pin, but still knocks 9 down and loses 50k just like that

Amazing stuff there. On the side, Ren and Stimpy are bitching at each other about the bad turnout as Ren passes off the blame for this monstrosity to Roy.

Here comes the second character into the bowling alley, and his name is Moe (Szyslak). Moe is what Fox calls a “hustler” in their caption below his name. Frankly speaking, he owns a whorehouse…I mean…brothel. Tommy commits his first intelligent thought here and he stays away from the legal prostitute dealer. The Bikini Models and Bartender Moe Szyslak get in argument about the Legal Prostitutes’ self-esteem. Then for the next few minutes, girls (bikini models and legal prostitute) talk about the brothel and when Brittnie (LP) leaves, the models make catty remarks. I tune out this portion. Back to the best part of the show, the Commercials.

-Lance Armstrong Nike commercial where he outraces running Buffaloes. One of the more pointless commercials ever.
-The second time the KFC half price commercial came around
-Motel 6 commercial with blind referees. A mild chuckle to professional refs staying at shitty motels.
-A TRUTH commercial where they sprayed riders with Ammonia. 6 people died, TRUTH blamed Philip Morris since those people were obviously smoking at the time
-OC Thursday. Exciting. Whiny rich kids in California.
-FOX25 news and random people on the street saying how great it is.
-Scion car commercial.
-Bob’s Discount Furniture commercial (another local monstrosity)
-Another car commercial (do people really buy these things based on commercials?)

We come back to Tommy tying a ridiculously large tie around his neck. I prefer to call it a Working Man’s Noose, but to each his own. Tommy and Dee chitchat, Tommy is supposed to work the room and floor. Tommy didn’t know this despite being a host. Monique is rolling in her future grave.

Tommy then finds out he is the host of the room with the Bikini Girls in it…no comment here either.

The girls then get into a bikini contest for a 1500 dollar prize with the high rollers (meaning the return of DENNY!!!) as judges for the event

Before this event can occur though, Tommy gets a page to come back to the pit where a guy wants a “comp” down there. Tommy doesn’t know how to fill out a “comp”, so he asks Monique to help. In the most astounding moment of the night, Monique helps him and the obscenities start flying out of my mouth. Tommy actually says thank you and leaves. Exciting.

Back in the Silicon Pageant, DENNY decides to give the prize to model #1 (Jamie, a longhaired brunette). I think he was too drunk to even watch, so he decided to give it to the highest number he could count to at the current time. Or he may have been going to the number above Tommy’s years of Casino experience.

Tommy keeps coming back to the girls and he gets chastised for it. They didn’t have enough material, so they took a Week 3 clip, or a Week 5 clip. Whatever. Now, to the commercials, which is a task which only one reviewer can cover.

-Carb Options toppings (like sauces and peanut butter).
-Hidalgo DVD (for the second time)
-Half naked guy gives flowers to a girl so he can get his pants back for Levi’s (???)
-Thompson’s Waterseal.
-Rescue Me commercial, my sentiments exactly
-Fox 25 news again
-Ford Explorer commercial
-TNG Direct for money.
-Another car commercial (Woohoo, anyone want a Toyota?)
-Trading Spouses commercial again. Fox proclaims it a hit. Did you know Baby Bob was a hit in its first week too?

After the pageant, the bikini girls come into the casino and decide to play craps with DENNY!. Denny then proceeds to lose about 70 thousand right off the top playing craps. So, like any responsible gambler does, he makes his bets a lot bigger on a high number and switches out the legit dice for his own weighted dice. After DENNY wins about 150 thousand dollars, Ren and Stimpy start crying onto one another’s shoulder for about 3 seconds. After those three seconds are over, Stimpy turns the tables on Ren and calls him an “eeeeeeeeeeeeeeedeeeot” for this whole idea. DENNY! is drunk, up 150k, and gives to two Russian girls 1 thousand a piece. Go figure.

Ren, Stimpy, Yak, and all the buddies have a meeting. Stimpy is peeved off as he wants more class in the casino, basically the complete opposite of what they have now. They want a lounge type atmosphere instead of a nightclub. They want to get good big names, like Jewel.

And to end the episode, Tommy is back, and admits he is lucky. That is it, that is how this episode from hell ends. Oh, and to make me feel better, COMMERCIAL TIME!!!

-More FOX25 News from the Democratic National Convention. They will hire Geraldo to open Al Gore’s lockbox
-Stayfree Maxipad (insert girls hygenial joke here)
-T-mobile phones yet again
-First response pregnancy detector
-Motel Six where a Pug Dog hides from an imaginary cat named Fluffy
-Domino’s commercial where Tuesday PWNS Friday and Sunday
-Fox’s great lineup on Wednesday (more then we can say for Monday)

NEXT WEEK ON THE CASINO
Everyone wants to take advantage of the now defunct Nickelodeon cartoon stars
A notorious (hired) group of card counters (actors) come into the Casino (portable toilet)
A High Roller leaves without paying 1 million dollars (A Dr. Evil impression should go here)
Tommy decides to risk his 8th opportunity by going to the aforementioned brothel
I get a nice rest from the Casino if the almighty Webby doesn’t make me do Week 8.

(Just an apology, I am a little rushed and I wanted to get this up before Thursday, so I only watched the show twice and took notes. It wasn’t funny because I am not a funny person Got a problem with that? Wanna fight about it? (2 points for the person that knows where that reference is from))

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