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"Now that BB7 is gone..."
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Colonel Zoidberg 3643 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Thong Contest Judge"

09-13-06, 09:58 AM (EST)
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"Now that BB7 is gone..."
It's time to think about next season's BB. This thread can be made for suggestions, predictions, or even off-the-wall ideas. I will start it off with a prediction of what's to come.

Before the show: This season will start off with 15 houseguests - 7 men, 7 women, and an androgynous, chicken-suit-wearing village idiot who answers to Shenaynay. The BIG, SUPER-COOL TWIST is that only ten of these people were actually cast for the show normally. Five of them got in by screwing John de Mol or Allison Grodner. This fact is revealed to the houseguests upon entry.

Premiere: The first HOH competition takes place in the backyard, where the houseguests are split into three teams of five. Only the two teams that were cast normally are eligible for HOH, as the competition involves picking out which team was made up of the producer-screwers. In a shocking development, Janelle is back as a member of the producer-screwers. Shenaynay and Paris Hilton, going by the alias "Samantha," is also in this group.

Week 1: To be fair, all those who were not eligible for the HOH get to compete for the POV, as do the HOH and nominees. After being nominated, Janelle saves herself with the POV, which consists of spinning around in a circle with one's forehead attached to a standing-up baseball bat and then reciting the Pledge of Allegiance while carrying a plate of chicken wings. Some poor sap goes up in Janelle's place and gets evicted despite having a grand total of negative-three Diary Room confessionals. He claims, at the nomination ceremony, to have been "backdoored," at which point, Janelle gets up in his face and shouts, "That's OUR word! You have no right using it!"

Week 2: A malfuction, or that's what CBS' official story says, causes the house speakers to malfuction and the screen to show all Holly, al the time. The speakers play her voice loud and clear until one houseguest, who's wearing a toboggan for some reason, kicks out a window. They order him to report to the Diary Room immediately but forget to tell him that the Diary Room is now on the roof. When he goes to where he thinks the Diary Room is, he finds Maggie from BB6 grabbing him and asking desperately, "Does anyone like me yet?" He runs out of the house screaming and is never heard from again. Despite this, they still have an eviction.

Week 3: Concerned that the veto wasn't used in the second week, since no one could understand what Shenaynay was saying at the POV ceremony, BB institutes a CRAZY, WAY COOL TWIST. Now, only the HOH, the nominees, and some schmo from off the street can compete for the POV. If the schmo wins, he gets a wedge of cheese and a bottle of cheese-flavored beer for his trouble and is required to sign 503 pages of forms claiming he won't tell the results until, I don't know, two days later, when CBS shows them on TV. Oh yeah, and that doesn't happen; Shenaynay wins the POV. Some guy named Steev (not Steve, as he points out many times) goes on the block, but the other person, who doesn't even have a name at all, gets evicted. As Julie reads the votes, "By a vote of 7 to 2, ---, you have been evicted from the Big Brother house." Both the nameless guy and Steev get up to leave, but Steev trips and falls and knocks himself out. He misses the HOH competition, but it's OK; it was a bunch of True or False questions about John de Mol and Allison Grodner's...umm, physical features. Paris Hilton wins in a walk; she did both of them.

Week 4: So we're down to 11. Janelle and Paris Hilton are still alive. By now, everyone knows Paris Hilton isn't really Samantha. They also know it's actually Nicole Richie who's been playing her for the last week. They're told this is a DOUBLE EVICTION week, so when things go smoothly for the entire week and nothing is out of the ordinary, Julie springs another surprise on them after the vote. The SHOCKING, HORRIFYING TWIST is that their votes didn't count; BOTH nominees are out. That sucks for them; everyone really liked Shenaynay and was only putting him/her/it up as a pawn against the guy who pissed in the jacuzzi the other night.

Week 5: Dave and Amanda have company now; outgoing HOH Paris Hilton just got it on with...wait, everyone there? In a span of four hours? Some of them twice, including the waiter? Despite that, everyone is still mourning the loss of Shenaynay, but they're intensely relieved when a MIND-BLOWING, HOLY-$#!*-I-CAN'T-CONTROL-MY-BLADDER TWIST is revealed - ONE of the houseguests is coming back, and he/she/it is bringing company. Since Kevin, the guy who ran out of the house screaming in Week 2, is officially missing, the other five evicted houseguests have a challenge to determine who goes back in, and it's predictably - yup, listening to all Holly, all the time, while trapped in a glass 12x12 room. Apparently, Shenaynay is immune to Holly's screeching, so he/she/it goes back in the house while the other four houseguests shatter the glass house and promptly go insane. One houseguest demands to be moved to the "Drawn Together" house.

Week 6: That "company" I referred to? CBS decided that having ten houseguests was not enough, so two more are introduced, and both happen to be - dun dun duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun - the ex-flames of two houseguests. One used to date the waiter and is a half-insane, unibrowed, seven-toothed mental asylum escapee with a flock-of-seagulls haircut who speaks in tongues. The other ex is Carrot Top. Shenaynay wins HOH and puts up bot the exes, but Carrot Top wins the veto in a close battle with that poor schmo. After a heated argument that not even the subtitlers and the hired gibberish translators can make out between the insane ex and Shenaynay, the insane ex is evicted in a 127-0 decision. It seems most of the houseguests voted more than once.

Week 7: After the houseguests managed to cast 127 votes, and Julie Chen counted them all, she is taken to the shop for a quick tune-up. Chicken George is brought in as a guest host, and it's the only right move CBS makes all summer. Part of his contract is that he has to wear that "Mr. Fart" shirt on live shows. Ratings go way up despite the fact that Paris Hilton is evicted 7-0; Shenaynay forgot to vote because he/she/it was busy building a fort out of chicken feathers and Nerf darts.

Week 8: In a truly shocking development, a chip of paint peels off the wall. A houseguest tries to pound it back in, but the stud is rotted, and the whole wall collapses. It turns out that the sign on that wall was weight-bearing, so soon the entire house crumbles. Fortunately, only that houseguest was inside at the time, and she's fine. In the rubble, people go to the portion of the roof that was the Diary Room to cast eviction votes, largely unaware that the other houseguests can hear them vote.

Week 9: Fortunately, one of the houseguests is friends with a guy living in Undisclosed Location, USA, so the houseguests all go live with him. So that means we have the houseguest's buddy, named Snot, and his girlfriend as players now. The first piece of mail they get is that the two of them are evicted for real, so since CBS is bigger and uglier than the renters or the complex, the nine BB players get to stay.

Week 10: After the HOH competition, in which the HOH gets the bedroom while the others have to duke it out for the spot on the futon, the AWESOME, STOP-ME-BEFORE-I-$#!*-MYSELF-AGAIN TWIST is that EIGHT houseguests will be LEAVING. To absolutely no one's surprise, they just left to go play some pinball somewhere. The waiter won. Everyone was jealous, so Janelle nominated him alongside a whiny bastard who still lives with his parents and doesn't have a job despite being 34 and college-educated. In typical BB justice, the waiter goes home 5-1. It's later revealed that the whiny bastard's father was calling and making sure that his son stayed on the show, because he thought that meant he wouldn't be home. When told that his son was going to sequester if he was evicted, the father wanted to know if he could stay in sequester for good.

Week 11: Thanks to poor planning on the producers' part, it's now September, BB is still on the air, and everyone's just lucky "Ghost Whisperer" is such a popular show because it's a lead-in for BB now. Otherwise, it would get an audience of three people every week like it does for the nomination shows, which are moved to Sunday morning at 4 AM. When they figure out this mistake, they agree to cut the competition short by doing a bunch of double evictions. Unfortunately, due to further poor planning, some of the evictions are on the Sunday at 4 AM show, so people eventually get too confusedand give up. By the time the final four is rolling around, it's October and no one seems to give a flying fig about the show.

Week...umm, 14 or so: To reinvigorate the show's sagging ratings, for the F4 HOH, Paris Hilton is brought back in to officiate. At this point, Shenaynay's still around, Janelle's around, and we still have Carrot Top and the guy who squeezes the toothpaste from the middle. People cry fix when Shenaynay wins the HOH competition, which consists of questions like "What brand of motor oil goes into Julie Chen every week to keep her running?" On the live show, Julie barges back in and starts taking over for Chicken George, but after the F4 POV competition consists of mud-wrestling, she explodes again, declaring Paris Hilton the winner and Les Moonves to be a jack@$$. Anywho, Shenaynay is evicted when Janelle catches him/her/it talking strategy with Carrot Top. No one that stupid can be allowed to continue existing.

Week 15ish: The final HOH competition consists of sitting in a large satellite dish during a thunderstorm. The satellite dish is percehd on top of a large building and is made of metal. For whatever reason, CBS pre-empts all of its programming to show every second of this competition live. Carrot Top wins, but the competition stretches into November and the other two have long since gone insane. Carrot Top gets a home theater system for winning that part of the HOH competition; he doesn't seem at all disappointed by the fact that it's made entirely out of cardboard. The toothpaste guy wins the second part and gets a car for it; it turns out to be a Yugo. The toothpaste guy wins the last part, which consists of "The thing that surprised Shenaynay the most was that Julie Chen was a robot or that there were people who thought she wasn't." The correct answer appears to be "Bkpojetiojaksdasljtoawedbjfbfl" and Carrot Top got it right. Janelle gets evicted again.

Week 20 or so: Despite having to skip over six episodes, "Survivor" agrees to do a cross-over finale with Big Brother, where both shows' final results will be shown. The stage is packed with people, so they have to overflow into the audience, which is fine, since only ten people are in attendance anyway and most of them are family members or hobos. In a grand announcement, Chicken George announces the winner of the show, and that winner is...and the show cuts to a test pattern and announces that Big Brother is cancelled and CBS is now bankrupt thanks to Big Brother 8.

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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: Now that BB7 is gone... Estee 09-13-06 1
   RE: Now that BB7 is gone... nailbone 09-14-06 3
 RE: Now that BB7 is gone... Colonel Zoidberg 09-14-06 2

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Estee 55190 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

09-13-06, 10:06 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: Now that BB7 is gone..."
Makes sense to me.
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nailbone 27263 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

09-14-06, 01:50 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: Now that BB7 is gone..."
A truly frightening thought...

Holey carp! My blog! MySpace!
Official OT Tassel Adjuster and OT Fantasy Football Champ! o-

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Colonel Zoidberg 3643 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Thong Contest Judge"

09-14-06, 12:57 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: Now that BB7 is gone..."
Sadly, not one mention of slop, though...but it's a good thing they finally punished those weenies with something more brutal than PB&J.

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