LAST EDITED ON 02-04-08 AT 10:29 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 02-03-08 AT 03:31 AM (EST)

If you’re not watching Celebrity Apprentice, then you’re missing the greatest, most exhilarating drama on television. You simply won’t find anything this good on other channels. The scheming and powers plays are more breath-taking then ever. Plan your evenings around this show. Until the writers’ strike is over. Then you can find lots of stuff better than this show. In the meantime, let yourself indulge in some Trump love.

Hugging the carpet at 50 miles an hour.

Official RTVW Summary
CELEBRITY APPRENTICE
Episode 5 and then some
Soprano Reduhx



Previously on Celebrity Apprentice
The girls lost again. The softball player got whacked. Go here for the rest of the story.

While waiting to see who survived the BR, Omarosa won’t shut the fvck up about how badly she wants Carol gone. Omarosa’s obvious attempt to hide her crush on Carol is a little embarrassing to watch. They should just deep-tongue kiss, get matching tattoos and be done with it. Meanwhile, Nelly chimes in with how Jennie is so sweet. Sweet has no place in this or any other reality show. Nelly is a dumb broad. Naturally, the moment Marilu and Carol come back to the suite without Jennie, Omarosa is all hugs and kisses. I would call her a two-faced bitch, but everyone knows that Omarosa is lying to their face.

The next task given to the teams is to create an ad campaign for the makers of Croc footwear. The company’s new campaign is to accessorize the whole world with thick, gaudy plastic slippers. Because even the poorest people in the world refuse to wear Birkenstocks nowadays. Macy’s is involved somehow. Really, they just gave Trump a boatload of money to get mentioned on his show.

Tito is busy getting sweaty with other men, so Hydra only has five players for this round to Empressario’s four. Trump “suggests” (read: demands) that Carol become the PM for the ladies. Makes sense, since she’s the only one on Team Emprassario who hasn’t taken the lead yet. This initially gives the feel of a showdown between Carol and Omarosa. The promise of a catfight always raises the entertainment value of a show. Piers becomes the PM for Hydra.

For some stupid reason that suggests meddling by The Donald, the two teams are given war rooms right next to each other. Immediately, each team tries to be hush-hush about their work so that the other team won’t hear them.

One of the best moments of the night is when Lennox is talking and Baldwin starts to interrupt. Lennox says that he’s not finished talking and he flexes a pec under his shirt for emphasis. Baldwin wets himself and puts his head down like a whipped dog.

Moments after Trace gives the guys a wonderful slogan that just didn’t pan out for Trojan condoms - “Wear Them, Share Them” - the men think that they catch one or more of the women listening to them from the common hallway. Immediately, Piers goes on the offensive (as if he could be any more offensive) and commands Vinnie to go spy on the girls. It should be noted here that Vinnie started the whole fake argument between Piers and himself to give Vinnie a reason to go hang out in the hall. When the women go to investigate - let’s face it, they’re women and they’re going to stick their noses in other people’s business - Vinnie continues playing the role that he’s been cast in. Piers also hams it up to make it look like Vinnie is being cast out. The best foreshadowing you will ever see in The Apprentice.

The ladies, having been without the services of Gene Simmons for a few days, seek companionship. Much to their delight, they find an Italian man who is eager to please them within their grasp. His simple pleading manner, insincere as it is, warms their hearts and invigorate their thoughts at the same time. With eagerness, they invite him into their tender embrace. The women of Emprassario cast away their doubts and they each, in turn, agree to be penetrated by the rough, olive-skinned castaway. Behind the adjoining wall, the men of Hydra listen and smile. Their greatest fantasy has been realized.

Wow, I need to stop drinking when I write.

Although he’s supposed to just be a spy for the guys, Vinnie immediately begins contributing ideas to Emprassario’s ad campaign. He suggests that Carol be the spokesperson. Omarosa says, “Carol’s perfect for it. She’s a 10 - I’m a 9 and a ½.” Told you she has lesbian feelings for Carol. Vinnie also helps create the Empressario’s catchphrase, “Soles united, Share the Love”.

Meanwhile, the guys are yucking it up. They really think that they have come up with a plan to utterly sink and humiliate the women. But what do you think will happened when you drop a heavy, aging, lonely man into the lap of some attractive women who pay him all kinds of undeserved compliments? He sells out, naturally.

However, in an effort to prove some sort of loyalty to the men, Vinnie tries to fulfill his role for a little while. Serendipity places Stephen Baldwin out in the hallway at the moment that Vinnie and Marilu are planning to go to the shop that will construct the drop boxes for the donated Crocs. Vinnie yells, “Hey, Baldwin - I got something for you!” And then he throws his scribbled notes from Empressario’s meeting onto the floor. Stephen looks at it and is about to pick it up when Jesus Christ appears. “Stephen,” God, Jr. says, “do not pick up the note for it is a missive sent by an evil heart. I have greater things in store for you.” Then Stephen calls into Hydra’s war room and tells Lennox to come out into the hall. Because, you know, it’s not a sin if you have someone else do it for you. Piers dismisses the girls’ ad work as pitiful.

On the way to the shop, Vinnie gets one peek down Marilu’s blouse and he just loses all control of himself. He admits to being sent as a spy and that he passed along some information to Hydra. Then he swears that he really is tired of Piers, and Vinnie now intends to be 100% loyal to Emprassario. The problem is, if you betray one person, no one will ever really trust you. Vinnie should know that.

Stephen Baldwin is still reeling from his epiphany and he tells Piers that they have gone to far in trying to sabotage the women. Piers tells him to grow a set. In a confessional, even Trace has his misgivings about Piers’ plan to have Vinnie spying on the women. The country singer thinks karma is a woman and she’s going to kick the Brit in the balls. That would be sweet, wouldn’t it?

Piers claims that he and Baldwin are the creative members of their team. They don’t need the others, he says. Stephen begins to ask Piers to join him in his crusade. Piers says, “I’m a Catholic - we don’t do Crusades any more.” Then he calls Stephen’s lifestyle “despicable.” Piers says that they both probably prayed to win this contest. Whoever ends up winning has the better God, says the man who ran Britain‘s biggest tabloid newspaper. Total hypocrite and #####. He’s going to hell, for sure.

Nelly and Carol begin doing the photo shoot for their ad campaign. In the hall. Right outside the men’s meeting room. Not real bright. But even less bright is Piers as he throws Empressario’s slogan back in their face. The only way he could have gotten that, of course, was from Vinnie.

The women suddenly feel very betrayed. Give me a flippin’ break. They take one of the men in on his first flimsy attempt to pretend that the guys don’t want him and then they are surprised to find out that he is a spy. What world have these “celebrity” women become successful in? Must be nice to have an easy road to success where everyone around you is your friend. I hate these women.

Omarosa comes back from wherever she was hiding. Probably a smoke break after watching Carol do her photo shoot. When she hears that Vinnie may have been sent to spy on them, she becomes dramatically distraught. Omarosa is the kind of person who will cause a major scene in Walgreens if they don’t have the eyeliner she wants.

Ivanka visits the men and admits that she likes a little sabotage. What else does she like? Rrrrowrr.

Don, Jr. catches up with Marilu and Vinnie at the shop. Vinnie confides in Donnie about his doublecrossing after Jr. sees through the fat man.

Omarosa calls Vinnie on the phone and she tells him that his services are no longer needed. Wasn’t Carol supposed to be the PM?

Vinnie comes back to the men only to find that Piers could not care less that the fat man is upset about being sent to spy on the women. Vinnie says that in the real world, you’re not supposed to turn in the rat. Vinnie uses a mob analogy to express the danger he feels he’s in. Piers counters with the best line of the night, “Marilu Henner’s not going to kill you.“

As they are wrapping up their project, Piers asks Vinnie why he isn’t helping. Vinnie spills his guts. It takes about three hours. You know, since he’s large? It’s a fat joke, people - don’t get so uptight about it. Sheesh. Vinnie admits that he really tried to help the women and that their slogan and the use of Carol in the ad was his idea. Piers smugly says that if Vinnie had such influence on Empressario, then they would surely fail. Ironic foreshadowing, anyone? Then he sends Vinnie packing. The former Soprano star is out wandering the halls when Trump comes up with the Croc executives. Vinnie wants to talk to Trump, but Don Sr. says he should save it for the BR.

Empressario gives a nice little presentation. Have to admit that the giant Croc looks cool. Then the men go. Piers is really dry. The execs like Trace’s slogan. The man least likely to get on the right subway in Manhattan is quietly amassing bonus points in this contest.

The Croc reps get some private face time with Trump. It must be some sort of punishment for them.

In the BR, the women sit and the men sit - without Vinnie. Vinnie comes waltzing in after cleaning up everyone else’s dinner plate. He’s wearing Gene Simmons’ discarded sunglasses in the room. If Vinnie is going to be fired, I hope he leaves his belt for someone else to wear in the BR. Then Nelly can leave one of her hats. And Lennox could leave a dreadlock. It could be Stephen Baldwin looking like a pimp going against Omarosa, a real-life prostitute, in the finale.

Trump allows Vinnie to air his grievances first. It smells like eggs. Vinnie says Piers is a pile of crap. Within a short time, Piers calls Baldwin a hypocrite as a Christian, he calls Vinnie a fat Italian, he says the women couldn’t have won without a man on their team and I’m pretty sure that during one of the many segments where people are talking over each other he says Ivanka wears the Queen’s panties. That shouldn’t be a turn-on, but it is.

When asked to choose between Vinnie and Piers, Baldwin and Trace say they prefer the salami-scarfing out-of-work actor while Lennox says he would keep the delusional, pompous game show host.

Eventually, Donald tells the ladies and Omarosa that they won. They scream like 8th grade girls. This is why women don’t rule the world. No one is going to take you seriously when you collectively squeal and jiggle in your chairs when someone says you did something right.

Anyway, Vinnie tells Trump that he wants to resign from the show. Donald dismissed the ladies from the BR. Which is really dumb, because they just go to a room where they can watch the proceedings on a TV. Why not keep them in the room? This show makes no sense.

Trump tells Vinnie that he doesn’t like quitters. He asks Lennox what he thinks of quitters. Lennox responds by giving Vinnie a fat upper lip. Fatter, anyway. Vinnie says he’s quitting because it’s not a good environment for him. He asks Trump how he would like waking up every morning to a fight. Trump says he has to fight every day. Then he swivels in his chair and kicks Jr. in the teeth. This is why I watch. And drink while I watch.

Baldiwn tries to say something, but it comes out as “Mew mew mew.” The women watching the TV think Piers is going to be fired. He is sweating like a pig. But Trump accepts Vinnie’s resignation. He does not say, “You’re fired.” Vinnie had already told Piers that he’s going to call some mafia connections in London. Piers tries to give Vinnie a hug on the way out and says, “Business, not personal.” Yeah, calling him a fat Italian is not personal. Shut your misogynistic, racist mouth, Piers. Go get a new pole up your ass you lime-sucking cousin-humper ‘cause you shit the last one out after you realized a bunch of girls and a non-Anglo man beat you. The end. New England sucks.

Next week
Baldwin also considers dropping out because of Piers.