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"Official RTVW Summary: Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1"
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zipperhead 3442 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity"

01-05-08, 04:56 AM (EST)
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"Official RTVW Summary: Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1"
LAST EDITED ON 01-05-08 AT 11:47 AM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 01-05-08 AT 10:57 AM (EST)

Welcome to the Celebrity Apprentice Forum. This is the place for everything you need to know about the show, its cast, and the effect it will have on society as a whole.

In this summary, we will introduce the cast, describe the Apprentice contest and make some comments on what occurred in the first episode. There may even be some photographs. We hope you enjoy.

Now, let’s talk about you for a moment. Since you’re here, we’ll just go ahead and assume that there’s something wrong with you. No one comes here by mistake. You must have gone looking for info about Celebrity Appearance on the internet. Considering the premise of this ridiculous show, the character of the main antagonist, and the history of people who have posted in this Forum before, there can be no other reason for your peering eyes to have come here except that you have some twisted fascination with bizarre forms of media that are only loosely definable as “entertainment”.

In other words, you’re one of us. Welcome to the family.

Now, find a quiet place, pull up a chair and strap on the belts. There’s going to be strange things coming at you for the next 5-10 minutes (reading times may vary; not applicable in Mississippi, Kansas City or other places where average reading comprehension skills are below 50%). And you can ignore the “Alert” button at the bottom – it hasn’t worked for years.

Shhhh – the carrots are listening.

Official RTVW Summary

Episode 1
One More Chance To Make An Ass of Myself

This season of Apprentice broke tradition with previous seasons insofar as previous contestants were relative nobodies who had moderate success in their personal business lives. This season, we have contestants who might be recognized while shopping in their local Wal-Mart stores because they had brief public bursts of moderate success in their personal business lives followed by agonizingly long periods of suckitude.

The cast for Celebrity Apprentice, in an order determined by a secret combination of their height, weight and Ph factor:

Marilu Henner
Best known as “Elaine” on the popular tv show Taxi. She may have written a few health books or something. Where’s Suzanne Sommers? They could have had, like, a showdown between formerly hot early ‘80s women who now want you to think they’ve learned something from their lives as Hollywood bimbos. If you don’t mind being with someone old and droopy enough to be your mom, then Marilu could still be considered ‘hot’.

”I used to wear a 36D. Now I just kind of roll ‘em up and wear a boob-thong.”

Piers Morgan
Best known as the stupid British judge on America’s Got Talent. We have no use for this guy. When Trump fires him, Piers should have a big red “X” appear above him. That would be cool. But Trump doesn’t know cool from his pee-pee, so it ain’t gonna happen. Piers was also responsible for Princess Diana’s death.

”I speak well, but I’m ugly, stubborn and condescending - so I must be British.”

Nelly Galan
Best known for putting ugly people on TV during their process of becoming fake and ugly, aka The Swan. Great, another reality show businessperson. Talk about inbreeding! Guess Trump couldn’t get Don Jr. and Ivanka to work something out that could be shown on network TV, so he went with reality stars instead. Nelly also did some writing for Seventeen magazine or somesuch.

”How’s this - do I look Hispanic enough? What? Too much lip?! I look like a what?!?! Yeah, so’s your mother.”

Trace Adkins
Best known for singing hickabilly songs that are popular in the backwaters of Tennessee. This man is a classic case of fish out of water. He does have a nice ponytail, though. We need more excessive hair on men on TV. Maybe Letterman’s beard and Trace’s love reins will start a trend.

”New York City is gonna be a hoot, I reckon.”

Gene Simmons
Best known for having sex with thousands of women despite the fact that he is a member of the band with the absolute worst Rock ‘n’ Roll name of all time. KISS? Good grief that’s awful. No wonder “Beth” is their only number one hit. If there was a God, this person would be in Hell already.

”I’m glad you’re impressed by my tongue. It’s really all I’ve got going for me. Honestly, I’m smaller down there than Mitch from Accounting.”

Carol Alt
Best known for being hot - 20 years ago. If she’s such a terrific former supermodel, why doesn’t she have a show like America’s Next Top Model? She couldn’t do any worse as a host than Tyra, that’s for sure. Supermodels are of no value to society.

”Please say you remember me. Please - somebody, anybody. Please say you haven’t forgotten me!”

Ivanka Trump
Best known for taking the place of Caroline after season 4. Or was it season 5? Whatever. Ivanka is a hotty. Too bad she’s virtually incapable of showing expression on her face. Plastic surgery should be illegal for people under the age of 25. Unless it’s a part of radical reconstructive surgery. Maybe that’s what happened here.

”I‘m forty-two, but even my gynecologist couldn‘t tell. That‘s because my dad had him whacked for peeking at my hooch.”

Donald Trump, Jr.
Best known for looking like the kind of guy who frequently leaves skid marks in his underwear. If there’s any reason to be upset with this reality show, it should be that the boss has hired his own family to be on the show. Couldn’t Donald Sr. have found anyone else who wouldn’t be so hard to look at? Rudy Giulliani isn’t going to have anything to do in a couple of weeks, Trump should give him a call.

”I have no skills, talents or charisma. But I did nail this chick, so I’ve got that going for me.”

Jennie Finch
Best known for playing softball. And she may have posed for some pictures. This is the spot that should have been taken by Paris Hilton. We love Paris. We hate you, Jennie. Die. Whore.

Lennox Lewis
Best known for beating people up. And he’s British. You gotta love a person of color who speaks crisp, clear English. A little disorienting, perhaps, but it‘s still cool. Like that Asian comedian who has a Texan drawl.

"I say, old chap - I do hope that you’re not overly concerned with the fact that your wife would prefer to bed me than you.”

Tito Ortiz
Best known for beating people up. This picture just cracks us up. Fifteen minutes later, and we’re still giggling.

”Dude, you should see a doctor about that.”

Vinnie Pastore
Best known for his character on The Sopranos. The mafia is not what it used to be, you know. Once upon a time, you had to be careful when you wanted to write something about them. Not anymore. The internet revolution has left them in the dust. They can’t affect the author of this summary any more than they can fulfill their filthiest Oedipal fantasies, of which they have many.

”I’m just here for comic relief.”

Best known for being a class-A bitch and psychopath. This woman is the only former Apprentice contestant to appear in this season. The fact that she came back for this public humiliation is testament to her delusional narcissism and massive stupidity. The fact that she came back is also testament to the fact the Trump wants to portray minorities in the worst possible light he can.

”My pimp says that I better win this time, or else he's gonna return these and get a new set of platinum caps.”

Stephen Baldwin
Best known for his brothers. Was he the Baldwin brother who was in Threesome? Not that it matters. Anything Stephen did is forgettable. That’s why he’s on this show.

"The years haven't been kind to the Baldwin family."

Donald Trump
Best known for declaring bankruptcy multiple times.

Tiffany Fallon
Best known for getting naked. This is a totally unrelated story: Recently, we were in Chicago on vacation. While taking a break in one of our hotel rooms, the TV kept playing a commercial that featured Fergie’s “My Hump”. Well, a little boy who was in the room started singing along. You would think that nothing is more weird than a four-year old boy singing “My hump, my hump, my lovely lady hump,” right? Well, we told him not to do that. When he asked why, we told him that he’s not a lady. A few minutes later, he started singing “My hump, my hump, my lovely boy hump” while dancing around in his underwear. True story. That’s how you end up writing summaries like this.

Nadia Comeneci
Best known for being an Olympic ice skater, or a marathon runner, or tennis player. Something like that. Unlike the other older women, Nadia has actually improed with age by adding a few pounds where they help the most on a woman.

"If Trump doesn't recognize my superiority over these others, he can kiss my well-toned butt."

The show starts with the contestants standing inside the New York Mercantile Exchange. Trump enters and says, “I don’t care how big any of you think you are, you’re going to have to get on your knees and start kissing my ass right now.” Omarosa complies immediately with a big smile on her face. Gene Simmons breaks out a giant straw for some reason.

Then Trump tells the group that they’re going to be broken up into teams of boys vs. girls. Omarosa and Nelly exchange high fives because they’re lesbians and they can’t stand being around boys. Stephen Baldwin rolls his eyes because he’s stuck with the one group of men that could be more arrogant and juvenile than his own brothers.

Omarosa gives us a glimpse of what kind of plan she’s trying to use when she tells Trump right away that she wants to be the PM for her team. Donald throws a curve into her plan when he informs her that PM stands for Project Manager, not Porch Monkey.

Trump then explains that the winner of previous Apprentice contests ended up with a job in Trump’s organization. But Trump doesn’t want any of these perennial losers to cost him money, so instead the winner will have a substantial check sent to her/his charity of choice.

The teams are shown to their suites. They are supposed to decide on a name for their team, but Nelly pulls out some kind of ugly matching hats and starts talking about what movies they’re going to watch during their slumber party. Omarosa slaps the beans out of her which somehow results in Nelly coming up with the team name - Empresario. Then they go into a tickle fight, because that’s what high-octane women do when they’re alone. It’s true. There are videos of Hillary and Oprah doing this all over the internet.

Meanwhile, the men sit around farting and scratching themselves because that’s what all men do regardless of whether they’re alone or not. Trace wants them to call themselves “The Champions.” He has no clue as to how this game is played. Someone suggests that they select a mythical name. Gene says that they should call themselves Hydra. He thinks that’s the name of the monster that guards the gates to hell in Greek mythology. Best quote of the night? Vinnie says, “No, that’s my ex-wife.” The problems with Gene‘s suggestion? 1) A corporate group intent on domination going by the name HYDRA is already licensed by Marvel Comics; 2) The Greeks called it Hades, not Hell; 3) Cerberus was the critter that guarded the way in; 4) Gene Simmons is an ugly m#####-f######. Stephen Baldwin accepts the mantle of PM for the men’s team.

They are all called into the boardroom to be given their first task. They must sell hot dogs in Manhattan. The team who raises the most money wins.

The women start strategizing in their suite. Marilu says that they should market their celebrity status. Omarosa expresses her displeasure at that idea by throwing Henner out a window. Omarosa says that they should not use their celebrity status to sell hot dogs. She wants the group to come up with a brilliant market strategy. We’re talking about limp boiled sausages here, folks. There is no marketing strategy for such a thing. Either people are willing to put something that slightly resembles and is routinely called a wiener in their mouth, or they’re not. Omarosa is an idiot. She puts Carol in charge of location for the hot dog stand, since Carol is from New York.

The guys are trying to figure out what they should do. Piers insists that they should set a high price for getting a hot dog and a picture with one of them. He's really buying into the concept that any of them are a celebrity. We wouldn't give a fat rat's ass to be seen with any of them, much less $100 for a frank that's had Vinnie's fat fingers all over them.

All of a sudden, Gene pulls out his cell phone and starts making calls. “Hey, you want to come give $5,000 to a good cause and get a hot dog?” Within a few minutes, Gene lines up a few people who have money to burn. The men are cautiously pleased with this. As Lennox says, they still have to show up with the money. Don't you kind of wonder what Gene Simmons must have done to put people in a position where they are willing to throw down wads of cash for a hot dog. Our guess is that he has particpated in several VD studies and the residuals from the scientific reports are making some people very rich.

At the hot dog stands, the women feebly hawk the dogs to passersby near Penn Station. They get a few dollars before working their way up to a $500 hot dog. Trump and NYC Mayor Bloomberg show up. Omarosa has an orgasm when she sees them. You’re not going to see a bigger kiss-up than her this season. The mayor downs a hot dog and then Trump and Bloomberg go over to the men’s stand at Rockefeller Center for some more meat.

Although we are given an edit to make it look like there is some question as to whether Gene’s contacts will come through, they do. People start dropping $5,000 donations left and right. In the meantime, Piers has been shooing away people who have been wanting to make puny little $5 and $10 donations. Piers is a real ass about it. Can't wait to see Trump rip him a new one in the Board Room sometime. When Gene's big donors do come, Piers screams so that every pick-pocket in a 4-block radius knows about the loose cash being handed over. In addition, Tito's girlfriend Jenna Jameson shows up to give a preview of her next porn flick. Eight footlongs later and that stand is closed by the cops. Anyway....

Back at the women’s stand, Marilu decides to chuck Omarosa’s stupid marketing plan and she breaks out her cell phone. With the promise of a lap dance and a peep show, a couple of $5,000 donors then show up at the women’s stand. One of the Mets players shows up, but nobody cares - he's just a Met. Give us a Yankee and you're golden.

Everyone’s happy when they show up at the Board Room. The women collected $17,000. Woo-hoo they say. Then it is announced that the men collected $52,000. Omarosa pouts and she actually looks kind of cute. What?

Trump reveals two new twists: First, the PM of the winning team gets to send all of the money collected from both teams to the charity of his/her choice. After winning the first task, Stephen Baldwin gets to direct $69,000 to a breast cancer foundation named for his mother. Gene Simmons magically transformed into his KISS demon persona and spits blood everywhere, yelling, “Those were MY contacts!! Give ME the money, bitches!!”

The second twist is that the winning team gets to watch the losing team go back into the Board Room to face Trump. The men leave and the women start going at it. Marilu gets a lot of face time while other people are talking. This is typically done by the producers so that you become conditioned to depend on these people for reactions or quotes. This is only done with players who will be around for a while. In other words, we’ll be seeing Marilu in the final four, if not the final two.

The voyeuristic men’s team starts placing bets on who they think will go first. The general consensus is that Omarosa will be around for a while. Someone calls her a cockroach. Several men think that Tiffany will go first.

Omarosa is clearly to blame for the women’s loss, but she expertly directs blame to Tiffany and Carol. Nelly unexpectedly kisses up to Omarosa. The losing PM brings Carol and Tiffany to the final Board Room where one of the three will be fired.

Omarosa and Carol bicker about the location that Carol picked, but she defends herself. Tiffany mostly just sits there. When they come to the conclusion that the men won because they made better use of their celebrity and personal contacts, Trump asks Tiffany why she didn’t call Hugh Heffner to get a donation out of him. Tiffany stupidly says that she was waiting to use Hef in a later challenge. Trump says that you should never hold back. Everyone can see the writing on the wall and Tiffany is the first to be fired from Celebrity Apprentice.

Next week: the men act like women.

A Cyggie siggie!

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  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrit... jbug 01-05-08 1
   RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrit... bdemoney 01-05-08 2
 RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrit... mattben 01-05-08 3
 RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrit... Sagebrush Dan 01-05-08 4
 RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrit... buckeyegirl 01-10-08 5
 RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrit... kircon 01-17-08 6

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jbug 16685 desperate attention whore postings
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01-05-08, 11:42 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1"
Excellent Zipper! If I'd realized you'd be this good, I wouldn't have had to actually watch the show.
& thanks for clueing me in to who some of those DAWs are.

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bdemoney 745 desperate attention whore postings
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01-05-08, 12:44 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1"
Awesome job zipper! Thanks for the well written summary.

I especially enjoyed your descriptions of the contestants!

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mattben 1265 desperate attention whore postings
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01-05-08, 02:57 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1"
Beautiful, beautiful! LOL.
I'm only half-way through my read. I'm was born in Lafayette, Lousiana, does that mean I get "special consideration" for my read? And bravo! If I draw the characters on a matchbook cover, can I be a reality tv star?

Maybe a little more later.

Have we established a schedule for summaries here?

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Sagebrush Dan 9824 desperate attention whore postings
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01-05-08, 03:39 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1"
Great job, Zipperhead.
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buckeyegirl 5449 desperate attention whore postings
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01-10-08, 08:53 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1"
Great job Zipperhead!!

A Kyngsladye Original Kreation

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kircon 3239 desperate attention whore postings
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01-17-08, 06:12 PM (EST)
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6. "RE: Official RTVW Summary: Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 1"
Great Job Zipperhead. You've laid a snarky path for us to follow. Love the pictures. And... we're off.

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