Official RTVW Summary:
The Apprentice
Episode 12: School Days

We interrupt this regularly scheduled summary with a word from the President of the United States:

“My Fellow Americans, I still can’t pull my head out of my ass. Thank you and God Bless.”

We now return you to our regularly scheduled summary which is already in progress.

Last week, somebody got fired. It doesn’t really matter who or why, does it?

Trump summons the five remaining candidates to have them buy some of his watches meet some reps from Microsoft and Wal-Mart. If you think of Microsoft as the creator of the cultural world we now live in and Wal-Mart represents the spirit that fills our world, then it can be said that Trump is the Anti-Christ. That’s the way I prefer to look at it. Anyway, the task that these kids are given is to market some electronic goods, specifically the Xbox 360, inside a Wal-Mart store. In other words, the task for these contestants is to do almost the same thing that the night crew does at Wal-Mart. Even Trump bows down under their unholy influence. Or bend over. Whatever.

Trump’s little business lesson is: “Death to Traitors”. Immediately, I regret that I bothered to watch one more episode of this program. “Death to Traitors”? Are you a Revolutionary now, Mr. Trump? It takes me five full minutes to put the gun back down. Trump follows this message up with his little spiel that goes something like this - “Get rid of trouble-makers, and do it quick”. Gee, thanks Mr. Trump! I couldn’t learn something as valuable as that while working at a fast food joint, no sir. I write myself like the 100th note to kick Trump’s ass if I ever see him in real life.

We take a look at Synergy. Tammy is the project manager here and she meets Stewart. Or Leroy. Who gives a crap what his name is? He’s a Wal-Mart suit, which essentially means he’s a clay shell animated by dark forces. You may disagree that WM is one of the most damaging influences to our society and I would tell you to look at the tag on their “American” flag which says “Made in China”. Case closed. Now go back to reading your little red book, like good little sheep.

Tammy explains how she wants to create an original interactive display featuring the X-box 360. She says that she wants to make it like a red carpet event. She really needs to do some market research. This isn’t the Emmys where people are going to be standing around for hours so that they can see what Eva Longoria (recently named #1 of the 100 hottest women for the second year in a row) is wearing. The typical customers for the X-box will pay attention to you for all of five seconds, and if your display does not feature Cheetos or a life-sized cut-out of Eva Longoria (recently named #1 of the 100 hottest women for the second year in a row), then you have lost them before they reach the console. Tammy states that her idea is to show people that they can create some sort of home entertainment system where you don’t even have to leave your home to be entertained. Brilliant! Just brilliant! If she can just get that idea to the right people, we’ll go right ahead and start all over like we’re back in the 1970’s again!

Roxanne has a testimonial where she displays something resembling a lack of enthusiasm for Tammy’s idea. Good for you, Roxie. We hear Tammy tell her that Roxanne can be the “Graphics Girl” by putting together banners and stuff. I knew people like Tammy in High School. They were the people who decorated the hall for the Homecoming dance, but did not have a date because they were LOSERS!

While they are shopping in Wal-Fart for the proper decorations, Tammy asks, “What do you guys think about getting mirrors to make the place look bigger?” Jesus Christ on Crackers - you’re setting up a display area inside of a Wal-Mart store! Nobody gives a flying rat’s ass how big it looks. I don’t know how that woman ever made it past the initial application. Allie pauses in front of the mirror to fluff her hair. “You’re on national television competing in a contest to be an instant executive,” I scream at the TV. “Stop acting like a bunch of C-average bimbos!” If it weren’t for Roxanne, I would totally write this entire team off.

Bill comes over to the team. He oozes smarminess and I add him to my list of people to subconsciously wish ill will towards while I’m sleeping. It works, too – surely you didn’t think Barry Bonds went 0-for-12 over the weekend by accident, did you? Back to the show (since the three of you refuse to let it die), Bill complains that Allie was not giving him the impression that she was a team player. Well Bill, that’s because Tammy is a total loss and Allie is expecting you to see that. Since you apparently don’t, then it must be assumed that Trump’s little alien implant has progressed steadily and you will soon be an incompetent, drooling media whore just like him. What’s really funny is that Tammy senses the same level of disdain from her team members and she thinks they are acting like they are still in High School. Takes one to know one.

Ah, Gold Rush. Sean is the project manager here. We see him throwing down some food with Lee the Cheater. Apparently, Sean is expecting the banner he has ordered to carry the day. In a testimonial, Lee says that he feels that this group is like in the honeymoon stage and that they still love each other. Weird. But it gets stranger when Sean has a testimonial stating his love for Lee. I bet they had sex.

Back to Synergy after a brief interlude. Oh, goodie. I’m sure Tammy has some more idiocy in store for us. She does. She tries to confront Roxanne and Allie with the fact that she is aware that they are rolling their eyes right in front of her. They both deny it. Let’s go to the tape - nope they never really roll their eyes. Their eyes were actually stuck in a perpetual glare of disbelief when Tammy was talking. However, the tape also reveals that Tammy does storm off when Roxanne tries to politely tell her how much her ideas suck. We’ll get back to that later.

Gold Rush. Sean gets a call from Adrian, who is in charge of the materials for the display area. Adrian says that now they won’t have the floor ready until 7:00 am. Sean wants to know why the delivery time changed from midnight to 7:00am. Never trust a man with such an effeminate name, I tells ya. Anyway, Sean has a little hissy fit and Lee soothes him.

The next morning - two and a half hours before the presentation - the floor arrives. But they don’t have the ceiling. Oh my god! The customers are going to fly right out into space if they don’t have a ceiling! The workman tells them that they should have the ceiling there in two hours. But it takes a half hour to install. In other words – no roof. Oooh, the drama builds. I bet Trump paid the guy to hold back just so that it isn’t obvious that Gold Rush is gonna win this task hands down. Seriously, I’m suggesting that Trump interfered with the game. Someone look into that will you?

Back with Synergy. Tammy observes that WM has signs everywhere in their store (it’s called marketing). She goes on to complain that Roxanne’s sign is too small. Roxanne pushes her off the ladder. Everyone cheers.

Gold Rush. The ceiling still hasn’t shown up with like eight minutes left. Sean is fuming. Lee tries to just throw the curtains up around their little display area. It looks horrible. Everyone cheers.

The reviewers come in. Tammy gives her spiel. I like using the word spiel. Had to admit - her little red carpet area looked kind of comfortable. But there’s not much to it and there is no information for the potential consumer to look at. Then we flip to Gold Rush, whose presentation area looks like the typical night crew did a rush job to screen off the display area from the rest of the WM store. They do have more stuff in their area, but Sean and Lee are sweating bullets as the reviewers check out the set-up. The best part of the show is when Adrian arrives with the ceiling for Gold Rush’s display area right after the reviewers leave. For some reason, Sean’s forcible removal of Adrian’s testicles is edited out of the show. Now that would be good television, ladies and gentlemen.

We go back to the Microsoft offices so that the reviewers can tell Trump and his two young cronies how the teams sucked. It is at this point that the three women of Synergy are standing right next to each other in little black outfits and it becomes obvious that they could easily share one wardrobe. Random, meaningless observation, I know, but I’m writing this summary and you’re not. Trump immediately asks Gold Rush how they think they did. Sean bites his lip for dramatic effect as he regales the room with the sad tale of floors and ceilings and a man named Adrian. Synergy says that they feel a little bit better after they hear Sean’s report on the problems with their set-up. The reviewers said that Synergy had a nice little set-up, but that it didn’t really make you feel like you weren’t still in WM. Well, it’s the stench of sweatshops at your typical Wal-Mart store that kind of ruins the visual impact.

The reviewers had a hard time not laughing while they described how pitiful Gold Rush’s display area was. However, Gold Rush did have an area that was “retail friendly”. In other words, the prices for the items were in full view, just the way WM likes it. After that, it is pretty clear that they are going to go with Gold Rush. The reward for Gold Rush is that they are going to be flown out to California to do a voice audition for DreamWorks. This interview process gets weirder all the time and it doesn’t give much in the way of valuable experience. “What did you do on that show?” “Well, I helped set up a display area in a Wal-Mart and I did some funny voices for a cartoon.” “Oh, okay. So like I said, have these envelopes stamped and sealed in time for the next mail pick-up.”

Jeffrey Katzenberg is a midget. But somehow, Sean and Lee still manage to kiss up to him. They get to preview a trailer for the film “Over the Hedge” and Sean says it is really funny. Like I care what some British person thinks about American comedy. Just stick to your smooth satire and leave the cartoon slapstick to us, matey.

Back at the suite, Roxanne and Allie say they wish they got to be in a cartoon. Don’t we all. Then they get around to talking about how they will hate to see Tammy go, but she did say that she wanted to make the project about her. So, logically, if the project failed then that means she is a loser. Tammy, meanwhile, thinks Roxanne’s signage was the problem. Are the three of you still reading this? Are you sure you don’t have something better to do?

We go to the Board Room. Trump’s daughter has way too much collagen. Poor thing can’t even blink. Trump asks Allie and Roxie how they think Tammy did. They think she sucked huge wind. Roxie specifically said that Tammy’s vision was the problem. Tammy tried to say that her vision was fine, it just wasn’t implemented. Trump said that her vision ended up like a third rate liquor lounge. And he would know. Bill’s expression after that comment was just priceless. He started to laugh and in .06 seconds went into, “Oh, sh!t I’m not supposed to laugh at that.” Then Trump asked about the signage. Tammy pointed the finger at Roxie. Roxie said that when she started to offer suggestions about the signage that Tammy walked away from her. It’s true she did. Remember when I told you about that before? Remember? A few paragraphs back?

Trump asks Roxie, “Do you think Tammy chokes?” “I think she does choke” “Did Allie choke?” “We all choke sometime.” 1) Trump wants to know how far she got on the task before she choked, for future reference; 2) Mean people choke, nice people swallow; and 3) It’s not whether you choke or gag but if you empty the entire bag. Thank you and good night. Then Trump’s mannequin daughter says that Allie is just sitting there rolling her eyes. Allie denies it. Bill jumps in on the Allie-eye-rolling scandal. He says it rubs him the wrong way. She says she’s sorry if she rubs him the wrong way. If we didn’t have a PG-13 rule here, I might be tempted to say something crude. Then Trump says that she’s probably rolling her eyes because she’s taking things personally. Trump says he takes everything personally and if someone says something bad about him, he hates them for the rest of his life. Will someone please forward all of my Apprentice summaries to him?

Tammy says that Roxie was the problem for their team. Roxie and Allie do not agree. Ivanka again goes after Allie for not saying anything. Allie says something, but it’s not important. Tammy and Roxie go at it. Trump reels them back in. He makes Tammy admit that she is only 1-for-2 on her previous attempts as PM. Roxanne says she wanted all three girls to be in the final four, but that Tammy made the task all about her. Tammy is fired. Allie tries to say something. Trump tells her to get the fvck out. Tammy gets in the taxi and says that Roxie and Allie are not going to be able to so anything without her.

Next week – there is no next week because the show has been cancelled. Go watch something else.