This wont take long. It's still dark, and the lonely road ahead is devoid of life (like Paris!). Several barely laughable moments of film are wasted on a scary moth deliberately tormenting Paris and Nicole, who kills the moth with her Chanel bag. Oddly, the dead moth flies out the open window seconds later.
Driving continues. Paris says something vapid and empty, Nicole says something rude. In the middle of nowhere, they run out of gas.....much like this show. (Yes, I know they just left Nowhere, but I did mention Nowhere is a very big place in Texas.) Paris goes to the hood and makes some petting motions, as if that would magically raise the hood. Perhaps someone should tell her that only works on Backstreet Boy backup dancer wannabes and frat boys. Why she goes to check under the hood, no one knows. Even Nicole asks what her purpose was. She used much smaller words, though. Oh no. What now. They're stuck all alone. In the dark. With no one around. And wild animal noise soundtracks playing repetitively in the distance.
Suddenly, down the road, as if scripted, a car comes by! (ok it's an SUV....) The kindly folk who just happen to be driving down a backwoods, and likely private road offer them a ride, of all places, to their destination! The YO Ranch. It's a real working ranch with real cowboys. You'll get that. A lot. The word 'cowboy' repeats far too many times in this episode. In fact, we'll start the "cowboy" word count (1), now.
In the short drive to the ranch, between hoping they've met with the family from Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and hoping the thunderstorm would knock out my cable, or power, the female passenger shows them her bible covered in...what is that? Deerskin? That's hot.
Oh, did I mention Nicole being rude and Paris being vapid?
At the YO Ranch they meet Blonde Cowboygirl who lets the dynamic duo know that this is where they'll learn about the real life of the cowboy. The ranch is a home to real cowboys and this is the cowboy way. ("Cowboy" count: 34)
Over cowboy breakfast they learn they'll learn there's a lot of work to be done when you're a cowboy (or girl). They watch as calves are branded by real cowboys and are instructed by Blonde Cowboygirl that they're to assist. Paris stuns us all by putting words together in sentences and saying she's an animal activist and cannot possibly brand a cow. Blonde Cowboygirl says the girls will do whatever it takes to get the job done. Nicole starts sizing up the cowboys. ("Cowboy" count: 454)
Ahh, but they have a better plan.
They decorate the cows with lipstick. Surely no cattle thieves can remove that mark. Wonder why no cowboy ever thought of that before. One particularly unwilling bull fella is given extra fancy decoration, right down to the "Poop", replete with directional arrow. The girls discuss how awful branding is, and how they could never do it...while pondering what shade of eyeshadow the now named "Bill the Cow" would best be suited for.
Later, the 'animal activists' sit down with the other cowboys for a nice lunch of some sort of charred, dead animal flesh. It is mentioned, between several uses of the word 'cowboy', that there's so much to get done that they'll be working through til morning. Paris, from behind mirrored shades, mutters something like "It sounds like you mean working through the night or something." Blonde Cowboygirl, who isn't impressed with their manners one bit, laughs maniacally, pulls out a chainsaw and hacks the girls into little tiny pieces and grinds them up for cowboy chili. Ok, not really. But clearly Blonde Cowboygirl enjoys the look of worry that crosses the girls' botox'd brows upon learning they'll be up all cowboy night.
Yes, that's right. They're goin' on a cattle drive! Now, what does one need for a cattle drive? Horses! Aww, poor Paris is skeered of horsies, what with having been trampled (nudged?) by one just recently (several episodes back). She reminds us, and informs the cowboys (who could care less) that she was airlifted, by helicoptor no less, to hospital where she had several photo ops to show her bravery. *sniff* Pass the tissues, please. The cowboys laugh and tell her she should quit whining and get back on the horse. It's the cowboy way.
Cattle are like gold in Texas. Smelly, furry gold. These cattle are going to slaughter. If you've ever bought prime rib or filet mignon, you know what I mean. Good eatin' if ya gots tha gold. So, what type of lame-brained cattleman would let these girls actually have any responsibility concerning what amounts to over 1000 lbs of burgers and steaks per animal? The same type of lame-brain cop who let these two drive a cop car, of course. The drive is dull. Boring even. The girls aren't as rude, but they're whiny.
"Are we there yet?
"Can we stop and have lunch?"
"Can we take a nap?"
"Are you legal?
At one point they ditch the others and hide. Childish? Yes. Stupid? Most definitely. Blonde Cowboygirl and Random Cowboy (He's been around. He's just not interesting enough to note.) search for them. Unlike the dimwitted duo, they know how dangerous it could be to get lost. We, the viewers, on the other hand, would very much like them to get lost.
Blonde Cowboygirl finds them hiding in a small clearing. Oh, I'm sorry....resting, and stretching in a small clearing.. B.C gives them a good lecture about the 60,000 acres in which they could have been lost and eaten by a bigfoot never to be seen or heard from again. It goes in one ear and out the other. With nothing but air to travel through, it's a fast trip.
Back on the trail, and insolent as ever, Paris and Nicole take time to admire Bill and his trappings of cow drag queen nature. They have a moment of lucidity and ask where they're taking the cows. Slaughter? They're going to Kill Bill? Oh this will never do! Paris offers to have Daddy buy Bill so he won't get ground up into McDonald's Happy Meals. Cowboys agree. ("Cowboy" count: 10,000)
So, that's it kids. It's over. It's done. They're finished driving across the country from Florida to uh....Texas...and we're finished watching. But not before a shot of the girls lounging by the pool at the mansion, where they discuss their brave adventures in single syllables, or four letter words. It could be mentioned that they're in string bikinis, but I doubt anyone was still awake to see, or care at this point. Bill the cow is delivered as promised, and Paris says she doesn't like him anymore, and they should sell him.
The season, like this summary, can be summed up in four words.
Thank God it's over.
Final "cowboy"count: 8,675,309