I'm so happy to be a fan of this show. Week after week I have been glued (hot, or super?) to my television in anticipation, gripped by the incredible depth and dimension (dementia?) of it's stars. (Please step over the deep puddles of dripping sarcasm, unless you are an experienced swimmer.)
This week is no different. Paris and Nicole wind their way through Nowhere, Texas. Being a native Texan myself, I can assure you that a large part of the great state is, in fact, Nowhere. Some very nice folks come from Nowhere. Like Major Dad and his family. They were idealistic enough to host the girls, who clearly still have no concept of independent suspension, or shock absorption...at least of the automotive kind. Our kindly host family's first impression of the invasion is a pink truck hitting potholes on a dirt road at an alarming speed, causing the silver suppository of doom to bounce nearly off it's hitch, also sending poor Honey and Tinkerbell (who I'm sure tinker'd a LOT on that drive) flying all over the trailer. Captured on video. I kid you not. Someone call PETA! (the irony of this statement will become vividly clear in the next summary, which I also have the pleasure of doing.)
Now, all the host families have been nothing but kind. This one is no exception. In fact, I think they were the nicest yet. Being from Nowhere will do that to you. The father has high hopes for imparting some sense of decency in the evil twins. The wife is what a good southern woman would call "precious". The son...immune to the wiley ways of the big city girls, is polite, but reserved. What do Thing One and Thing Two do? Of course....you guessed it. They are rude, condescending and just plain stupid. I submit this scene for evidence.
Major Dad: Ok, now that we've driven around my hard earned land in this here jeep, think one of you girls is ready to take the wheel? It ain't so hard to drive....really.
Nicole: That's hot. Are you legal? Do you like to @*^#$($?
Major Dad: Um, well, it's a stick shift if that's what you mean? *looks bewildered*
To further illustrate the charm of this man and his wife, we're given the story of how they met as kids in Jr High school and have been in love ever since. Everyone together now...."Awwww." It really is just "precious".
Not a whole lot else happens at the house. Nicole is rude and Paris is vapid. Fast forward to morning, when the girls get to work at a police station/jail/home of really, really naive cops. The duty officer actually deputizes
these two idiots, and let's them serve meals to the inmates in the lock-up! I'm pretty sure that the instructions were clear, but I could be wrong.
Poor, trusting cop: Now you're going to take them their lunch trays, but don't talk to them. This ain't no ho-down, missy...
Nicole: That's hot. Are you legal? Do you like to 1$#*&@@?
So, the girls serve the meals and deliberately (or maybe they really are just that stupid) disregard their orders by not only talking to the inmates, but Nicole seems also to be looking for her next future ex-scandal. Paris mentions to duty officer that one of the inmates is allergic to peaches and she feels bad about that. Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't said cop realize at this point that this endeavor is foolish in extremes only found in theoretical form? That reasoning with them would be easier than finding meaning in a Julia Roberts movie?
After lunchtime in lockdown, the girls are trusted with a patrol car. (Hey, cop! Are you really that stupid?!) He seems a bit testy with the two who couldn't care one bit about his 'rules' or 'instructions' and even snaps at them when they continue to show blatant disrespect (it's almost as if they expected a different reaction.). Off they go to write "traffic tickets". Now I ask you, when did having paw prints on the hood of your Dodge pickup become a fineable offense? I also ask how many of the 4 people still watching this show wanted to give these two a ticket for being? Show of hands, please.
Ahh, ticket writing isn't nearly enough for our intrepid airheads. They hassle some good ol' boys chuggin' some brew in town, scam some free stuff at the local gen'ral store (because they're cops and don't cops get free stuff?!) and then set up a speed trap. Well, not so much a speed trap as just...anyone who drove by.
Nicole on loudspeaker: Pull over. Get out of the car and shake what'cho mamma gave ya!
It would go without saying that duty officer is a little put out by the complaints he's received all day in regards to these nitwits, but I just said it. He demands they turn in their badges and get the hell out of dodge...er...Nowhere. The officer muses over his job security. I muse over his sanity.
Back at the ranch the girls have talked Major Dad into creating a romantic event for his precious. Why, Nicole even went so far as to 'help' him write a poem. A bad one. A bad one that she demands he end with "Boo-yah", because it's hot. Do you love it?
Well, the wife does. She loves the dinner, she loves the candles, she loves the poem....right down to the choked out crescendo. Seriously, I think this man would rather have a certain body part waxed and impaled on a bulls horns than say "boo-yah"..but bless his heart, he does. Wife has tears in her eyes (or was she just laughing...). The girls are impressed...but still rude and with as much class as some of the 'ladies' on "COPS".
It's late, and dark, so it's time to send Paris and Nicole away...far away. They say goodbye to the lovely Texas Marine Ranch family and depart for their next, and final adventure. Perhaps to be swallowed by a black hole never to be heard from again (or spat out in unrecognizable form, as new evidence suggests).
The credits roll, and we're off the hook for a full 5 minutes of commercials and on to the finale! Boo-yah!