LAST EDITED ON 07-22-04 AT 01:58 AM (EST)ok, the short version: gospel family... main rule no profanity... ergo ==> “bleep, muthaf*vckin, bleepity, bleep bleep.... sexual innuendoes... bleeeeeep... clean up the camper, religion lite... Nicole’s Soul Train breakfast... bleepyoufvckingbithcbleep...some fatherly advice that sinks in?...not bleeping likely.... baseball team job... hormonal juices... obligatory icy hot/ben gay practical joke... sexual innuendoes redux... doggie poo as metaphor... cut to scenes from next week
there, that’s all you really need. feel free to skip the rest of this, particularly the ranty next section
and now, in honor of the gospelicious Cash family, a bit of a sermon from thetick:
I had such high hopes for The Simple Life 2. Despite being from Fox, TSL had been a nice change of pace in reality tv world. Clearly with only 6 original episodes (with a few “lost” episodes of reworked extra footage) of just a half hour each, lots of material was still left to be mined. And, the format had several classic elements already: the fish out of water, the buddies, the laughing at the idiot factor. To this was going to be added another classic element - the road trip. It should have worked.
it doesn’t
what was previously funny, now falls flat
what once seemed cute, now shows up as tacky
a tv show I really used to laugh at, now just comes off joyless and mean
Everything is the same isn’t it, so what is wrong? Nicole and Paris are certainly the same. Considering the insulated worlds they live in where all actions are consequence free, Nicole and/or Paris’s opportunity for growth and therefore change was minimal. If they are the same rude, tacky, spoiled biyatches, stumblefvcking their way through life, it must be funny still, right? Well no, we miss the Leddings. You remember them, the Arkansas family the girls stayed with on the first season. What they provided and what season two sorely misses is a moral compass. (You are really on your way towards crotchety old man status when you start tossing around phrases like “moral compass”.) It was the juxtaposition of the girls outlandish actions with the Ledding’s horrified reactions that made the first season so funny. It was the ever so slight bit of remorse the girls learned from seeing that their actions brought consequences onto the Leddings that kept the girls from coming off as completely distasteful. Having removed the Leddings from the second season, their is no positive influence of any sort on the girls and consequently the show comes off entirely meanspirited. And the really pointless thing about this gap is how unnecessary it was. In the Cash family from tonight’s episode, the show had the perfect family to juxtapose against the girls for season 2. By letting them spend a night or two, then drive on, the girls never have the time to feel any attachment to any family and hence have no real respect for any of their hosts regardless of how plasticky fake an act they put on. The road trip was a bad idea. I would have loved to see Paris and Nicole spend a few months with the Cash family. Over time, the girls would have seen how genuinely hurtful their actions were and might have slightly modified their behavior in order to better fit in. Instead, they got another drive by insulting in and still had time for Nicole to fix her makeup as they drove off.
meh, this season I can do without
And now, only because I signed up for it...
Episode 7 summary - the extended dance remix
We open before the introductory theme song tonight, with some words from tonight’s host family, the Cash’s, who are a gospel singing African American family in Texas. From the cheerfully optimistic tone of the Cash family’s comments it is clear they really don’t know what they are getting into. After the credits we see the girls driving up to the Cash family home and immediately laughing at the hymn playing doorbell. After meeting Dad and Mom, the girls introduce their dogs. We then jump to dinner and Dad asking for Grace. He very specifically asks for the blessing to include Nicole and Paris. Post blessing, Mom then lays out the rules of the house:
1)”We don’t speak profanity.”
2)”We don’t wear halter tops, short shorts, and showing all of your stomach..”
3)”Just pitch in and help.”
4)”Mess up - Clean up”
Now these seem like perfectly reasonable, ordinary house rules. It might not be exactly what the girls are used to, but out of respect for their hosts, surely they can live up to them for one night? Next, the dinner conversation is not exactly flowing and Nicole is trying to feel out the Cash family and break the ice. BTW, have you ever noticed how much of the conversational burden Nicole carries? In any situation that isn’t perfectly comfortable to her, Paris freezes up and just plasters (get it - plaster of Paris) an incredibly fake simpering smile on her face and just vogues her way through the situation. sigh... I wish I could pull that act to get out of the rest of this... Any way, Nicole decides to ask the kids their ages, and on hearing that three of the Cash kids are 24, 22, and 21, she of course comments to the parents, “you folks were getting busy.” When that falls flat (figure that in a religious household) she instead tells them “hey, I’m a black folk too.” This is just so completely moronic that they have to laugh both at and with her and the tension is broken. Unfortunately soon after that one of the Cash sons asks about their previous road trip experiences and Nicole rips off a three bleeper about the uncircumcised junk on the guys at the Nudist colony. So much for rule #1 and so much for the tension being broken. Nicole pretty much curses her way through dinner like the proverbial drunken sailor while Paris maxes out her mental capacity with an intense simper.
After dinner Mom gets a tour of the girls camper and is horrified at the mess - there’s that pesky rule #4 coming back to haunt them. Mom chides the girls into cleaning up the trailer and the three Cash family daughters join in to assist. That is some rule #3 ptiching in and helping in action right there. In short order you notice that in the background, the Cash girls are doing most of the folding and cleaning while Nicole and Paris tell stories. One of the daughters does ask of Nicole, “have you ever been to a bible study or anything?” To this Nicole insightfully replies,” it’s not about specific religions, as long as you have spirituality, it’s all good.” Paris simpers.
We cut to the next morning and Mom fetches the girls from their trailer for breakfast. They are in color coordinated outfits of a hideous shade of puke green. Once inside Nicole is drafted to help cook breakfast while... Paris simpers. Nicole admits she never cooked before which worries the Cash family men. Apparently she must pull it off successfully as a celebratory Soul Train-esque dance line spontaneously breaks out. Nicole gets into the spirit of the moment and has some goofy green terry cloth wearing fun with it. Paris simpers. At breakfast Papa Cash thanks the Lord for the food and then everyone remembers to also thank Nicole. Paris finally speaks to chime in softly with “thanks Bit*h. Getting no reaction, she simpers. After breakfast we again get some family comments. The general theme is that the girls aren’t all bad, they just need to straighten up, particularly in the language department. Dad calls the girl in to give them a little fatherly advice. He seems to sincerely want to reach them. He tries to let them know that the profanity prevents others from seeing their inner beauty, but ... his effectiveness is undercut just the tiniest bit by the two tiny dogs dryhumping each other on the couch between the girls. Still, the girls fake an Amen to it.
Finally the family and girls file out to the trailer where the family once more prays for the girls and then wishes them well, and even sings them on their way. As soon as they get in the trailer, Nicole is completely absorbed with redoing her makeup but does find time for a parting yell of “you guys F-ing rock”, which just completely disturbs the Cash family.
From there the girls drive across Texas to Round Rock, where they spend the day working for a local Double A baseball team, the Round Rock Express. The girls self describe this as their favorite job ever, so finally they will put in some effort. After the obligatory shot of the boss being kept waiting, the girls get to meet the team president, Reid, a philosopher if there ever was one. The girls perk up a little at the prospect of meeting all the Hot ball players. Instead they are subjected to shagging jokes from the team president, manager, and trainer. You just know the Hilton video was screened a few times by this triumvirate in preparation for this job assignment.
Eventually, the girls spring themselves free and go to “assist” the players with their pre game stretching. Nicole runs the THC up to unprecedented heights while taking candid crotch shots on her cell phone camera. On another side note, doesn’t this scene undercut one of the basic premises of the show which is that they have had their cell phones and credit cards taken away? dang Fox continuity... Anyways, it seems the girls are initially working with the trainer as they are shuttled off to the training room. As they enter they see a “no women allowed” sign and Nicole comments that it smells like it’s off limits to women. Ok, that was laugh number 2 of 2 for the entire show for me...sigh.
Nicole jumps into the swing of giving the players rub downs, while Paris...simpers. Nicole of course adds some porno soundtrack moaning to her massages - wonder if Paris is her voice coach? Nicole also adds in a finishing move a.s.s. slap, and finds time to squeeze in the sports cliched icy hot rubdown practical joke. Jocularity is shared by all... except Paris...she simpers.
That night for the game, the girls are basically used as in game entertainment. They are supposed to act as pseudo bat girls, but Paris kills this with a fit of exaggerated prissiness not seen since the last Richard Simmons appearance on Letterman. Nicole instead embraces her role as the designated distractor of the opposition. Whether she is hitting on their preteen batboy, dumping out their water, or putting her Express jersey on the opposing team’s manager, she is clearly the star of this show. No wonder there are reports of friction between Paris and Nicole, Paris must be tired of constantly being upstaged by the smarter and funnier Nicole. I bet she simpers.
Finally, in a clearly staged and dreadfully acted bit, the girls act as third base coaches in, coincidentally, the 9th inning. Of course they bring their dogs along, of course the umpire objects, of course they get ejected. Now while all of that was clearly staged, Paris’ dog taking a dump on the field was probably spontaneous, although it is Fox. Here is the excuse the ump needs and also, a perfectly good reason for the fans to turn on the girls and boo them out of the stadium. Paris simpers.
As much as I would like to sum up the experience, the aforementioned philosopher and team president Reid has already done so, “they’ve been a little disappointing to be totally honest.”
and oh yeah, the previews from next week.. the girls work down to the low rent beauty salon... it promises more butt crack than you can shake a curling iron at and I'm not talking about the redneck back waxing segment neither