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"Oh Starshine, your Queen is getting uppity"
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Snidget 43862 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-13, 12:28 PM (EST)
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"Oh Starshine, your Queen is getting uppity"
Well Royalty usually is, isn't it.

Just saw this "press releas"e from her office

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

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  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is get... kidflash212 04-01-13 1
 *Pokes Kingfish* foonermints 04-01-13 2
   RE: *Pokes Kingfish* kingfish 04-01-13 3
       *waves* foonermints 04-01-13 4
           RE: *waves* kingfish 04-02-13 7
 RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is get... Starshine 04-01-13 5
 RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is get... cahaya 04-01-13 6
   Don't Forget foonermints 04-02-13 9
       RE: Don't Forget cahaya 04-03-13 11
           RE: Don't Forget foonermints 04-03-13 12
               RE: Don't Forget cahaya 04-03-13 13
                   RE: Don't Forget foonermints 04-03-13 14
                       RE: Don't Forget cahaya 04-03-13 15
 RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is get... kingfish 04-02-13 8
   RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is get... foonermints 04-02-13 10
       RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is get... kingfish 04-03-13 16

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kidflash212 3854 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-13, 12:43 PM (EST)
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1. "RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is getting uppity"
I see the madness of King George is hereditary.
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foonermints 12302 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-13, 03:45 PM (EST)
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2. "*Pokes Kingfish*"
With unregistered vegetable peeler.

It's what I do.

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kingfish 16088 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-13, 04:03 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: *Pokes Kingfish*"
Ouch! Hey I still have my unregistered spatulas and pizza slicer.

Dang Redcoats.

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foonermints 12302 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-13, 05:24 PM (EST)
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4. "*waves*"
Warm gnat urine.
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kingfish 16088 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-13, 08:51 AM (EST)
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7. "RE: *waves*"
Great for what ails ya.
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Starshine 4934 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-13, 05:46 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is getting uppity"
Sounds reasonable...

Although I think a bok has had some input on the list

And most Brits would agree ##### Van Dyke in Mary Poppins was the worst attempt at a British accent ever

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cahaya 18904 desperate attention whore postings
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04-01-13, 05:59 PM (EST)
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6. "RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is getting uppity"
Oh, the Tea Party will resist such a move, in a wave of American patriotism, bringing out their hobbyist flintlock muskets and their AK-15's with 30 round magazines, firing at Redcoat columns from their barns, John Deere tractors and F-150 Ford pick-up trucks!
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foonermints 12302 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-13, 11:14 PM (EST)
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9. "Don't Forget"
Our tow trucks.


Need help with your airplane? Why yes, yes you will.

the wonders of Jumping Bird

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cahaya 18904 desperate attention whore postings
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04-03-13, 00:06 AM (EST)
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11. "RE: Don't Forget"
Fooner, the improvise and inventive American!

Put on some good body armor, go for some high rate of fire weapons, have a few bots here and there to do recon and demo work, and you're in business.

God pity those poor souls who think they can invade America.

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foonermints 12302 desperate attention whore postings
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04-03-13, 00:32 AM (EST)
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12. "RE: Don't Forget"
I'll take The Queen if we can send them Obuma.


It's just a smart police action..

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cahaya 18904 desperate attention whore postings
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04-03-13, 01:49 AM (EST)
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13. "RE: Don't Forget"
God save the Queen!
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foonermints 12302 desperate attention whore postings
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04-03-13, 08:26 AM (EST)
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14. "RE: Don't Forget"
..and the Devil take the hindmost!

There was a "bum" in that post, wasn't there?

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cahaya 18904 desperate attention whore postings
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04-03-13, 09:35 AM (EST)
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15. "RE: Don't Forget"
There was a "bum" in that post, wasn't there?

Yup, President Obumma.

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kingfish 16088 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-13, 12:34 PM (EST)
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8. "RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is getting uppity"
LAST EDITED ON 04-02-13 AT 01:04 PM (EST)

And one thing we just won't put up with are uppity queeens female heads of royal houses.

Or uppity unregistered peeler pokers.

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foonermints 12302 desperate attention whore postings
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04-02-13, 11:15 PM (EST)
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10. "RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is getting uppity"
Gurls like uppity.
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kingfish 16088 desperate attention whore postings
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04-03-13, 09:42 AM (EST)
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16. "RE: Oh Starshine, your Queen is getting uppity"
They do? Oh. Well in that case...
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