At Mr. Glassman's Submarine:
We woke up to find ourselves in a large empty white room. I made sure that the Hunks: James and Gil and the Average Joes: Bri, Fredo and Howard Dean were alright.
Brian: "That knock I took to the back of my head Smahts"
The doors to the white room opened, and to our suprise we saw Theo.
Theo: "Welcome to Mr. Glassman's Submarine, I am Theo . . ."
James: "Hey, it's Theo"
Theo: "Please do not interrupt the Hero, when the Hero is speaking. If the Hero is interrupted, the Hero can not concentrate, and then the Hero loses his train of thought, and thus so shall I"
Fredo: "Do I look like a Fat, bald <bleep> . . .
Theo: "Please, everyone listen to what I have to say. Mr. Glassman will be joining us shortly. After that I will escort each one of you to your cabin's. YOu are guests here. Mr. Glassman will treat you hospitably but please refrain from exploring the submarine on your own."
A door opened and the omnipotent Mr. Glassman, entered in a burst of blinding light.
Mr. Glassman: "Welcome, Welcome to my submarine. You are all the very best, the very best of the remaining competitors. I am Mr. Glassman, I have decided that civilization is not worthy
of my incredible talents, and so here with my men, I have created my own reality. Please introduce yourselves."
Bri: "Mr. Glassman, it is with honor that I introduce myself as Brian Worth. I am Wicked excited to be on your submarine"
Fredo: "Nice to meet you"
Howard Dean: "Just to let you know, I'm not with the average joes, I'm with the hunks"
James smiles and pulls his shirt up to reveal his six pack.
James: "They're going to have to deal with this."
Mr. Glassman: "Interesting, well, I hope you enjoy you're stay on my submarine, Theo will now take
you to your cabins, please make yourself at home."
In the Guest Cabins:
While we refreshed ourselves in our cabins, Fredo, Gil, Howard Dean and Bri went out on their individual dates with Larissa. Fredo came back from his date in an upbeat mood and took a nap
in the other bunk.
Later as Brian went to go eat sushi with Larissa, and then Larissa and Howard Dean went to make some clay pots at the Kiln facoty and finally Gil and Larissa were offered a bed by
Mr. Glassman, Fredo and I escaped to take a look around the ship. We made it past the ballroom and into the control room of the submarine when a voice stopped us in our tracks.
Mr. Glassman: "It seems my hospitality is not interesting to you."
Fredo: "No, I'm just bored, I need to move around, breathe the fresh air, but what do I know I'm just a guy from Pittsburgh"
Mr. Glassman: "Fredo, would you like to drive the submarine"
Fredo: "Mr. Glassman, it would be a privelege to drive your submarine."
Fredo proceeded to control the submarine through the cockpit
Mr. Glassman: "Move the submarine forward Fredo. Schneller. Schneller!"
Fredo: Yeah! this is so cool.
Heroic Military Techno music plays.
An eerie silence.
Mr. Glassman: "We are now sinking to the depths of the ocean. Who knows what we will find at the bottom of the deep abysss. 1000 feet, 5000 feet, 10000 feet . .."
Fredo: "What the <bleep> this submarine is on tracks!"
Mr. Glassman: "Nonsense, no such thing."
Fredo: "But it's on <bleeping> tracks. I can see the surface, this lake is only
3 feet deep."
Mr. Glassman: "Mr. Fredo, you're mistaken"
Fredo: "But it's true, look, isnt' this the lake where Tony's rowboat exploded? The lake where the painting was more important to him then Larissa?"
Mr. Glassman: "Mr. Fredo that is enough. Please look at the monitor. There is something
I'd like to show you."
Fredo looks at the monitor.
Fredo: "oh, my gosh, no, I can't watch this."
Mr. Glassman: "What do you see?"
Fredo: "Oh, it's horrible, it Larissa's mom taking a shower"
Mr. Glassman: "Wait a second, that was the wrong video feed. There now look again"
Fredo: "It's Larissa in a bikini in the ocean! wow! Wait I can make out what she's saying"
Larissa: "You make me feel like Shania Twain!"
As Larissa says this the video widens to catch a glimpse of Larissa and James doing a tongue dance. Then James took his
his shirt off revealing his rock hard abs.
James: "Larissa, you're going to have to deal with this!"
Fredo: "Oh my god, I've been such a fool"
Larissa and James turn their face towards the video monitor as if to address Fredo.
Larissa and James: "Calvin Klien, Exotica stong enough for a man, but makes me feel like a woman"
Fredo: "Woah, Woah, <bleep> <bleep>"
Fredo: "<bleep> <bleeping> <bleeps> at Chili's."
Fredo: "I though we were building a foundation. I already laid out the mortar and had the
blueprints certified and ordered the scaffolding <bleep> me, what a fool I've beeen."
Fredo: "<bleep> <bleep>, she can <bleeping> have him"
Mr. Glassman: "You seem upset."
Freedo: "<bleep> yeah"
Mr. Glassman: "Fredo may I talk to you privately"
Fredo: "Sure, what is it. I can't beleive this <bleep>"
I was excused by Mr. Glassman and sent back to my cabin.
Mr. Glassman: "Now that you've seen the true nature of Larissa, I'd like you to join our side.
I want you to come work for me and my plans for world domination!"
Fredo: "Suddenly, Mr. Glassman, I'd like to leave your submarine"
Mr. Glassman: "That is impossible!"
Fredo: "Oh yeah watch me."
Mr. Glassman: "That would be a mistake"
Fredo: "Man, your straight out of a comic book, Mr. Glass-man!"
Mr. Glassman: "You cannot escape this submarine!"
Fredo: "Do you expect me to stay here?"
Mr. Glassman: "No Mr. Fredo, I expect you to die!"
And that is the last we saw of Fredo.
At the Elimination Ballroom:
Later that evening, we went to the submarine's grand ballroom, where Larissa was going to conduct the elimination. The remaining contestants, Howard Dean, Brian, Gil and James were
sweating it out. Mr. Glassman sat on his throne and Theo was standing at attention. Tonight Larissa is going to eliminate two contestants.
Back in Larissa's room:
Larissa is writing down the pros and cons of the remaining contestants.
Really hot, great face, great body.
stupid like the Scarcrow.
But I have a crush on him.
Sort of hot, okay face, great body.
Isn't over his ex. Doesn't seem ready to move on.
No heart like the Tin Man.
But I like him.
Says all the right things. But . . .
Smart, funny, the only contestant with a deep manly voice despite the accent.
Integrity and character, after all he must have been screened to get into Homeland security.
I light up when I talk about him.
Is missing courage to say "I love you" but seems to be overcoming that for me.
America will love me if I pick him.
If I can't see the person I pick for 7 months, James and Gil might get boring over the phone, but
Brian will make me laugh
I've already made out with all the hunks and took full advantage of that.
Hmmmm, he thinks I'm indecisive. I'll show him I'll cut him. But he might sent out his bury me in concrete in Jersey. No wait, I'll Keep him. But he says I'm indecisive. No, I'll cut him. But then he might get mad at me. NO, I'll keep him . . .
Back at the elimination Ballroom:
Larissa walks into the elmination Ball room having made her decision.
Larissa: "Where's Fredo."
Mr. Glassman: "Mr. Fredo, heh heh, had some business to take care of and said he couldn't make it, ha ha."
Larissa: "Oh, well I think I was going to cut him anyway."
Howard Dean: "yeah, that's right cut him."
Larissa: (in a hushed tone) "Howard, may I speak to you."
Howard Dean: "what me?"
Howard visibly trembles as he walks towards Larissa.
Mr. Glassman: "Eh hem, Larissa since Fredo left today, we won't be having an elimination,
We will now take you to each of the hometown's of the remaining contestants."
Howard Dean: "Phew."
Brian: "Awesome! Group hug guys."
James is sleeping on his bed.
James: "Oh man, what time is it. On no, 2 PM already, Larissa's coming over any minute. Oh man, I wet my bed again that's just great"
James: "Quick, I need to clean up this mess. Here I'll throw the sheets behind the sofa and the blow up doll up there, Larissa will never notice. And they say I'm stupid, hah!"
Larissa comes in. Larissa observes Jameses apartment.
Larissa: "do you read books?"
James: "buks?, what is that"
James: "I'm an airline pilot"
Larissa: "Where do you fly?"
James: "I mean when I grow up I want to be an airline pilot"
Larissa is disappointed as there is a long silence.
Larissa: "um, I think I'm going to go now . . .
James: "Hey wait
James takes his shirt off. James smiles.
James: YOu're going to have to deal with this
Larissa: "bye James"
James" "huh, it's not working. Maybe I didn't do enough crunches this week, I don't understand"
Larissa turns around, smiles and talks to James.
Larissa: "the great thing about you is you're hot, If I were to pick someone based totally on looks it would have to be you, you're 100 times hotter than Gil. Unfortunately, you have no money, and you work at Chilis. And I hate Chilis, I'm a Sushi kinda girl, you understand. Plus I have to think about my career, and I don't want to look shallow in front of the whole country."
James is at a loss for words. (which is a pretty easy thing for him do.)
Larissa walks back towards the submarine in the lake at Scottsdale, Arizona. Mr. Glassman Theo, Howard Dean, Bri, and Gil are waiting there. Theo helps Larissa climb to the hatch of the submarine.
Theo: "Welcome back Laris . . ."
Mr. Glassman: "Theo"
Theo: "Yes, Mr. Glassman."
Mr. Glassman: "You're fired."
Theo: "What!!!!!!!!! No Way (Shakes his head in his best Keanu Reeves imitation). No way."
Mr. Glassman: "That's right you're fired. You're no longer need. Please get off here at Scottsdale, Arizona."
Theo: "The Hero can't be fired. Noooo. The Hero's done everything that Mr. Glass-man aksed him to do. The Hero is going to win the heart Malena, and Larissa and then we're going to take Linda, and Molly and Ashley and then we're going to take
Erin and Kat and . . . Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!"
Howard Dean: "Hahaha, what a tool. Ha ha ha he's pathetic. Ha ha ha."
Brian: "I wouldn't be too suure about that, you're a <bleeping bleep> yourself."
Howard and Brian ominously stare at each other.
To be continued . . .