OFFICIAL Average Joe 2 Episode 4 Summary
"The One Where Everyone Gets Spanked"
Previously on Average Joe 2: Hawaii
A bunch of geeks and fat guys get kicked off the island by the beautiful beauty queen Larissa Meek. Then come the hunks, cruising in on their Love Boat- a scene we were treated to only about a half million times, complete with ETA and distance in nautical miles. The hunks make all sorts of egotistical and insipid comments such as:
“The paradise that these guys have been living in is about to become a nightmare.” Ooooh, I’m shaking in my slippers.
“These guys will not know what hit them” I would wager a guess that at some point it will be your fist.
“We’re just on a higher level than these guys” Just because you’re high doesn’t mean you’re on a higher level.
Larissa is crying and wailing “How am I going to tell these guys that they have to go home?” Boo hoo hunny, I’m sure you’ll find a way. She daintily wipes a tear and tries not to smudge her makeup.
Then we see the Joe’s standing in the elimination line, looking like they’re waiting for a firing squad instead of a former cheerleader. Larissa walks in wearing one of the most interesting color combinations I have ever seen: electric blue and pink eyeshadow and an orange and red dress. A note appears from I’m not sure where and it says……gasp….No one will be sent home tonight! All of the Joe’s prance around like fairies. No manly high 5’s or pats on the butt are exchanged -nope, it’s hugs and kisses all around for these guys. Well, I shouldn’t say all around because no one approaches Larissa for a hug or kiss. Way to play that one guys! As Larissa is handing out champagne in celebration I notice Boston Brian take a rose petal off of the tray. I’m not sure why he does this, but I suspect that he plans to tuck it behind his ear in hopes that Larissa will think he looks wicked pissa. We hear Sean say “And then the hammer came in.” That’s right Sean- you guys are about to get spanked! (And not by any of the other Joe’s because they only hand out kisses, not spankings.) Another note appears and this one says………gasp…….Everything is about to change! Oh my, I’m all atwitter, what could it be? Oh yeah, it’s the hunks that they have been teasing us with ever since the show started.
Enter Jim – he is wearing a purpley-blue colored shirt that is about 2 sizes too big, but it does happen to match Larissa’s eyeshadow perfectly.
Enter Jerry – his hair is pulled back into a ponytail and I can almost picture him & Fredo spending hours french braiding each other’s hair. How precious.
Enter Gil – Blonde Guy #1, he seems to have no personality and I have no comment on him. Yet.
Enter Michael – IMO the best looking of the “hunks.” Love those dimples!!
Enter Pete – Blonde Guy #2, he is the one who is high.
Enter Theo – In one of the lighter moments of this tension filled scene, Jesus Freak Mike notes that he & Theo are wearing the same shirt. Thank goodness they aren’t wearing the same pants! Theo’s pants are so tight he can barely walk.
Todd & Michael part 3 – their entrances must not be noteworthy as they are not replayed.
Mike III tells the Joe’s “Gentlemen, and I use that term loosely, we are your new roommates, and your new competition.” Larissa smirks and giggles and hides behind the note. She is so beside herself with glee, she doesn’t even know what to do.
OK, enough precrap, on with the show!
The Joe’s return home and David Dorksal, being the little cheerleader that he is, tries to raise the guy’s spirits with a little pep talk. No one listens. Brian G is mad, Tony is pissed at how happy Larissa was to see the New Joe’s, and Boston Brian doesn’t believe for a second that Jesus Freak Mike is not upset by the turn of events.
Back at Larissa’s pad, she is grinning ear to ear and says that she has never dated guys as hot as those. She can’t even form a sentence right now so she says (and this is a direct quote) “They’re…they’re …they’re…they’re HOT. And now … it puts the… yeah, twist… big twist.” Well said Larissa, you took the words right out of my mouth. I thought you were supposed to be intelligent. She then comments that she hopes the AJ’s take the twist with a good attitude.
Cut to the guys house where they are swearing up a storm.
Tony is bleeping mad. But if I may steal a line from Larissa here- He looks… umm, yeah… HOT! Tony has got a great body and his tatoos are very sexy, IMHO.
Dorksal states that they are now the underdogs in this situation. Buddy, you were the underdog the second you popped out of the womb. But he is one of the few AJ’s who claim not to be mad about the twist.
Fredo says “F*ck the girl!” You wish! Wow, that one was too easy.
The guys then all sit down and have a roundtable discussion. Well, it’s more of an oblong shape, but who gives a fig, right? I would love to be able to tell you some of the finer points of this discussion, but about 65% is bleeped out. Plus, I became distracted by someone in the background wearing a blue hawaiian shirt whose face was blurred out. Who the phuc is this guy? (We summary writers miss you Phuc!) The only parts of the conversation that caught my attention were of course spoken by Boston – how can you not notice when this guy talks? Boston says that all the guys are fiya’d up now. (Any Stern fans out there? FIYAH! Artie’s the man!) And he says that now the game has been cranked up 10 nawtches. So I figure that now the guys are on about “nawtch” 11.
OK, we’re back.
Now it’s time for the Non-Average Joe’s (NAJ’s) to enter the bachelor pad. No one wants to greet them, but they do it reluctantly anyway. In order to keep all of the Mike’s straight, I have made some pet names for them- the AJ Mike will henceforth be known as Jesus Freak or JFMike. Michael Klein will be called Dimples. And Mike III will be called Tan Mike or Fake ‘n’ Bake, or a variety of other names- whatever floats my boat at the moment. Ok, now that that is all cleared up… We learn that Fredo and SuperTan already know each other because they both live in Cleveland. I live in Cleveland also, but sadly I know neither of them. Of course I don’t hang out in tanning salons or around construction sites, so I guess that’s no big surprise. I can’t imagine how these two know each other – I don’t see them hanging out in the same social circles. But our loveable Fredo still gives Crispy Skin a big ol’ hug and kisses on both cheeks. Why on both cheeks? I am not sure, maybe he is originally from Paris. Burnt Flesh then says “It’s great to see you Paisan!” Oh, now I get it – there must be a city in Italy called Cleveland and that is where they are from!
Theo wasn’t happy with the way they were greeted by the AJ’s. Some of them weren’t very friendly to poor Theo. Awwwww. BTW, Theo is making a bold fashion statement by wearing a jaunty little cap with his name embroidered on it. What. A. Tool.
The NAJ’s make themselves right at home and immediately raid the fridge. There must not have been any food on The Love Boat because it looks like they pull out every ounce of food from the fridge. Hey, I guess those lean, hard bodies need nourishment!
Meanwhile, Dorskal is running around like a 5 year old who consumed to much candy and Kool-Aid, introducing himself to all of the new guys with that same irritating inflection that he feels the need to use whenever saying his own name. After making best buds with the NAJ’s, they all play a game of hoops together. It’s Hoops, Hunks, and a Half-wit! You know, maybe its my 101 degree fever, but I am actually having a little admiration for Dorksal at this point. He is just being himself, not letting the arrival of the new guys get to him, and he is trying to make them feel welcome. Wow, I can’t believe I just said that. Yes, I must be delirious. Anyway, we see the hunks shooting hoops and each one goes in with a whoosh. Then we see the Joe’s shooting hoops and each one bounces off the rim with a resounding clang. Gee, I sure hope they don’t have a basketball game like they did in AJ1 – methinks the Joe’s would get spanked. Hard. No, I’m sure they’ll come up with something much more original for the boys to play this time. Oh, who am I kidding? We’ve all seen the previews of them playing dodgeball a million times. More on that later.
In a scene that for some reason struck me as hilariously funny, Dimples says “I can push buttons, but it was almost too easy. It was like, it was just one big button, and I just pushed it.” Wow, he’s cute and dumb as rocks. Does it get any better?
Outside by the pool, an argument ensues between Boston and Dimples. Boston throws zingers at Dimples such as: “you’re an @ss” “ you’re a goofball” and “oooh, mawketing is a sexy profession.” Then there is a new argument over how to pronounce marketing and Oregon. Boston (in a confessional) calls Dimples an arrogant pr!ck. They bleeped out the work though, so I’m not sure if he pronounced that correctly or not. All of a sudden Fake ‘n’ Bake comes out of nowhere with his shirt unbuttoned and flapping in the breeze. I guess he was showing the other guys just how tan he is, when he heard a commotion and flew over to investigate. Brian G takes this opportunity to check out Crispy’s abs.
Oh my heck- the blurry faced hawaiian is back again. I think I figured out who he is. He’s the guy in charge of making sure that everyone has a fully topped alcoholic beverage in hand at all times so that they can get pissa drunk and have some wicked fights. Well done my man, well done.
Upon returning from commercial we get to see the NAJ’s lifting weights and working out. My, my, those are some well defined bodies! Cut to Dorksal riding on the exercise bike. Hang on a second! I thought he had never ridden a bike before! LOL. He says he thinks he’s falling in love with Larissa. Poor dumb twit, he thinks he actually has a chance. Then we are forced to witness their first kiss again. Larissa probably plays this moment in her mind over and over again. Then she wakes up screaming.
There’s a bus in the driveway, but it’s not the Average Joe bus we’re used to seeing. It’s a yellow school bus! That’s right kids, we’re going back to high school! Should I make a joke in reference to the fact that the bus was a “short bus”? Nah, I’m sure you’ve already done that yourselves. I wonder how many guys told Dorksal “This seats taken” when he tried to sit with them. Phew, my fever must have broken – I am now back to thinking that Dorksal is a heinous dweeb.
The first words we hear out of Todd’s mouth this episode are his rendition of “The Wheels on the Bus Go ‘Round and ‘Round”. For those of you keeping score, I now think Todd is a heinous dweeb, also. To futher prove my point, Todd blows a gigantic bubble and it pops all over the side of his face. Are we really supposed to think this guy is a hunk? I will now refer to Todd only as Bubble Boy.
The guys depart the bus and file into a classroom where they all take their seats like good little pupils. All of the “hunks” sit in the back, while the AJ’s sit in front prepared to be the teacher’s pet. Hmm, this really is like high school!
Larissa enters, wearing sexy little glasses, a sexy little studious outfit, and her hair pulled up into a sexy little bun. I think she’s trying to look sexy, but I can’t be sure.
I was sure that at least one of the guys would make a Van Halen “Hot For Teacher” reference here, but much to my surprise, no one did. However, it was in the back of my mind and I kept waiting for Larissa to strip off her clothes, jump up on the desk, and dance around in a bikini. But much to the guys chagrin, this didn’t happen either.
Ms. Meek gives the boys their schedule for the day, 1st Period- IQ test, 2nd Period- Physical Education, 3rd Period- Intramural Sports and an after school dance. She tells the guys that whoever gets the highest grades in 2 out of the 3 classes will be the ones to attend the dance with her that evening.
Blonde Guy #2 pipes up and says that his pencil is broken. This totally reminds me of something the jocks would do in high school to get attention. It’s no funnier now than it was then. Theo, however, seems to think that it’s a great line, so he tries it out himself. Did I mention that this guy is a tool?
On a side note – In the confessionals that Tony was giving in this segment he was wearing glasses and I thought he looked very good! Not many people look good in glasses, but he definitely looked hot. Maybe he looks better because it hides the fact that he has no eyebrows. (Tony- I’m sorry baby! You know I love you!)
Back in the classroom Boston tries his own little quip and offers to “bang her erasers” after class, ifyaknowwhatImean. Now that was funny! He might get a spanking for that one.
And so the IQ test begins. The AJ’s are flying through with no problems, while the NAJ’s sit and stare blankly at the pages. Bubble Boy raises his hand and I’m sure he’s going to say that his pencil is broken, but he just wants to inform Larissa (and everyone else) that he has finished his test. Wow, he must be really smart. Did that come off as sarcastic? Because it was supposed to.
Once everyone is done with their tests, they walk in single file up to Ms. Meek’s desk and hand them in for her to grade. Most of the jocks/hunks (lets just call them junks) say that the test was difficult and made them feel stupid. I’m sure none of us were surprised by this.
The bell rings, it’s 2nd period –gym class. Larissa comes strutting into the gymnasium in a crop top and some very tiny shorts, which she has rolled over about 6 times to make them as small as possible. Congrats Larissa, you have accomplished that task very slutily, oops I mean beautifully.
She announces that the IQ scores are in. All the boys wait with baited breath, and I have to admit I’m pretty curious, too. The AJ’s scored 138 and the junks………129. I am shocked and dismayed by this. Shocked that the junks scored that high, and dismayed when I realize that 129 is my IQ also. I take a moment to mourn the loss of the intelligence I once thought I had. Clearly I must be a moron if I am only as smart as the junks! I cheer myself up with the rationalization that they must have cheated – it’s the only possible explanation!
Larissa then tells us that my Tony got the highest score. He says that he was embarrassed by this, so lets go ahead and add humble to his list of attributes. He’s cute, sweet, creative, sensitive, smart, and humble. If she doesn’t end up picking him, she’s got major issues.
So, on the agenda for gym class today is a competition to see who can cross the monkey bars and climb the rope the fastest. I must say that I was quite impressed with the junks performance on the rope climb. They made it seem like nothing. One of the AJ’s descried them as cyborgs. I thought that was a very fitting description. Now it’s Sean’s turn on the monkey bars. I think everyone knows that this isn’t going to go well. Jerry Sneary says – wait, hang on a sec, JERRY SNEARY? What an unfortunate name, and an unfortunate hairdo. Anyway, he tells us that he’s had a few big friends, and he knows that it will be tough for Sean to hold his own weight up. Duh. And Jerry wins the humanitarian award for admitting that he actually associates with larger bodied people. In case you didn’t pick up on it- that was sarcasm, too.
I’m cringing right along with Sean as he labors across the monkey bars. Everyone starts cheering him on, and you have to give the guy credit for at least trying! Well, to no one’s surprise, the junks won that competition. It’s all tied up 1-1. Let’s see what happens 3rd period, but first a word from our sponsors.
After we come back we see that the last competition will be a good old fashioned game of dodgeball. Everyone seems excited about this one- even the AJ’s. I have a knot in my stomach, for I fear that little Tommy the white rapper could be killed. Has this guy even spoken yet? Aside from telling us that he is a breakdancer, that is. Larissa tells the guys that this is going to be a shirts vs. skins game. The AJ’s will be the skins. Ha- just wanted to make sure you’re still paying attention. The junks strip off their shirts to reveal chiseled, 6-pack abs. Wait a minute, who’s that black guy? Oh, sorry, it’s just Crispy Mike. Wow, he should not make a habit of hanging out in fluorescent lighting! Larissa gawks and drools, stating that all the guys took her breath away. Dorksal offers to give her mouth-to-mouth, but she politely refuses.
The whistle blows and all of the guys race to grab the balls from the center of the floor. Several of the AJ’s slip and fall. The junks are throwing the balls with all of their might, and the Average Joe’s look stupified. Dorksal stands there holding 2 balls, looking like a deer caught in headlights. Larissa’s headlights, I assume.
We fade into a slo-mo black and white montage as we see poor Sean take a shot right in the family jewels. Every guy in America instinctively groans. Boston gets hit, Dorksal goes down, even my beloved Tony takes a shot. Larissa makes one of the funniest analogies I have ever heard –“ Watching the dodgeball game was like watching mice fight with elephants.” Sean is just happy that he is grouped with the mice, and not the elephants.
Finally it comes down to all 8 NAJ’s vs. poor Jesus Freak Mike. He tries his best- he jumps, he ducks, he bobs, he weaves, but all to no avail as he is finally taken out. Boston sums it all up “That was a spanking, that was a spanking!” You got that right, buddy. The junks have won the date at the dance.
They really went all out on the decorating budget for the dance! It’s held in the same smelly gym that they’ve been in all day, and they put a disco ball up! Beautiful. Larissa takes turns dancing with each of the guys.
First up is Dimples. He says Larissa looks amazing. Finally! I was beginning to think that this wasn’t a reality show because no one had uttered that little word that is a staple of all reality shows!
Sneary says that the first thing he noticed about Larissa was her green eyes, yeah right!
Blonde Guy #2 is up next. He says she looks:
C. Like a troll
If you guessed B, you’re right. And you watch too much reality TV! Larissa tells him that he looks good, too. He responds by saying “Definitely”. Wow, take the humble award away from Tony and give it to this guy! Conceited much?
Moving on to Jim. He is wearing yet another dazzling oversized purple-ish shirt. He likes Larissa’s eyes too. How sweet.
Next we have Gil, aka BG #1. Larissa asks him what he looks for in a woman and he says something about her being a knockout. Then he stutters and stammers and tries to backtrack once he realizes that he has just revealed how shallow he is.
Tan Man’s turn. He says she looks:
C. Very pale
If you went with B again, I’m sorry. He actually used answer A. Way to mix it up, Leatherface!
Theo the Tool spins Larissa around so he can check out the “junk in her trunk”. Every time he speaks, I think he may burst out crying. Sadly, he doesn’t do it on my episode. Curses!
Finally, it’s Bubble Boy’s turn. They greet each other with a “How you doin’?” I’m confused. She is from Missouri, and he is from Utah, so where did this New York thing come from? They did seem to have the best connection. I tried to make it through this summary without using that word, but it’s just unavoidable. Bubble Boy suggests that they vacate the smelly gymnasium (good call!) and get some fresh air. They steal a golf cart from somewhere and go dance underneath the stars. They share a little kiss, but it doesn’t seem to have any passion behind it. Regardless, BB says that the other guys aren’t her type, and HE is the one for her. He’s spent 20 minutes with her. Obviously Larissa isn’t a very complex girl if he knows everything about her already! Well, they must have had some real deep conversation.
Returning from commercials, we witness the junks using their muscles for something other than show. They are on a canoe trip with Larissa.
Back at the bachelor pad, Dorksal is once again doing his cheerleader routine for the guys. Gimmee a L-A-R-I-S-S-A! What’s that spell? Shut the phuc up, no one is listening to you! Fredo is worried that the arrival of the new guys is making him look like a jerk. I don’t think you have anything to worry about, Fredo. The junks pretty much have the jerk factor covered. I notice that JF Mike has a splint on his pinkie finger. Man, that must’ve been one hardcore game of dodgeball! The tiny breakdancer finally speaks! But he says something boring, so lets check in on Larissa and the junks.
It’s 1-on-1 time on the boat so that Larissa can decide who she wants to have a date with later that night. Theo is actually the only one that we get to see, but don’t be too upset, I’m sure everything else was just useless drivel. He thinks that the rest of the junks are disgusting and he is out to expose them. This is where it gets interesting. Theo tells our beauty queen that some of the NAJ’s are very disrespectful behind her back. He reveals that one of the guys (turns out it’s Mr. Crispy) said she was “a really hot beaver!” My mouth dropped at this point. Now, I know that guys talk about girls behind our backs (yes guys, we’re onto you! ) but I thought this was a bit over the top. Theo also warns Larissa to “stay away from the blondes.” I say take his advice Larissa, but stay away from him, too while you’re at it! He’s a tool.
So now it’s time for Larissa to choose her date for the evening. To my delight, she chooses Dimples. This guy is nice to look at, but I would like to see if there is anything else to him. Bubble Boy is bummed. He drops a C-Bomb on us. No, no! It’s not a word similar to the beaver comment. He is talking about the connection between himself and Larissa.
On the date, Dimples and Larissa toast to a wonderful date and wonderful conversation. She claims that they had a witty banter going throughout dinner. Too bad we weren’t privy to this exchange, huh? Sitting on the deck beneath the stars, Larissa is feeling “a moment” and she leans in for a kiss. Much more passionate that her kiss with BB. She says that Dimples is the best kisser so far. I am blown away! You mean to tell me that he was better than David Daskal?? C’mon!
Back at the house, Tony and the tiny breakdancer are having a heart to heart. Tony is feeling insecure and embarrassed. I just want to give him a big hug. Trust me, you have nothing to fell embarrassed about Tony. You have been the coolest guy up until now, don’t let it all fall apart!
It’s time for another staple of reality TV, the hot tub scene. Larissa and Dimples play a few rounds of Lady and the Tramp by converging on each other’s mouths to nibble at various chocolate covered fruits. The obvious question here is which one is the lady and which one is the tramp? I guess Dimples would have to be the tramp because Larissa has been pretty ladylike up until now. She says that the dates are getting better and better and the date with Dimples was the most romantic and the most real so far. Things aren’t looking good for the Average Joe’s.
Coming up, scenes from the next Average Joe. What the phuc!! Where are the bleeping eliminations?!?! 2 weeks in a row with no one booted?? Ouch, did you guys feel that? We just got spanked! So I guess since this is a 6 week show she will be getting rid of 14 guys next week? I am majorly bummed! Oh well, stay tuned to see if a beauty queen will fall for an Average Joe.
First time summary writer, hope you all enjoyed it!