The Amazing Race 13 - Official Summary Episode 4: Can I Have a Little Love?

Be warned: Not every aspect of the show is reported accurately. Artistic license is a terrible thing to waste.

Previously on The Amazing Race: Kelly and Christy, feeling the absence of ex-husbands to abuse, started the Great Bra Debate when they accused Nick and Starr of stealing their costly lingerie and trading it to Bolivian housewives for inside information on local attractions that might potentially be used by TAR producers. Mark and Bill, feeling the effects of high elevation, lack of sleep and visions of undie-free divorcees made stupid decisions and were eliminated from the race. Dajaki, feeling the loss of her favorite team, skeet shot her entire DVD collection of Star Wars films, turned her husband’s The Amazing Spiderman Issue #1 into confetti and smashed her Guitar Hero axe into bits like she was Jimi Hendrix on acid.

So it’s a lovely Monday morning and here I sit in a generic coffee shop on Mill Ave. in Tempe, AZ hoping to catch a glimpse of Andrew and Dan as they skip their first class and fuel up on full-fat Venti mochas. As I type the intro, I hear snickering over my shoulder and turn to find Mark and Bill. Apparently, they drove over from San Diego yesterday to watch last night’s episode with the frat boys. I’ve asked them to give me a little insight into their former competitors as I recap the episode.

Mark: Hey all! Just tuping in to let you know that were really here and dajaki is not making this stuff up
Bill: Forgive Mark’s typos. He’s an atrocious speller and doesn’t care enough to go back and fix it. Dajaki said she’s leaving his comments “as is” for posterity. And Hi!

Back to recapping. Phil lets us all know that the teams stayed in La Paz for the last pit stop and now it’s time to go. Before leaving, however, Kelly and Christy confront Starr about her proclivity for destroying her competition’s under things. Starr just laughs and responds “How do you think I made the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders? At last year’s tryouts, 20 girls dropped out when their miracle bras suddenly went missing!”

Mark: I heard that’s a true story

The first team to leave the pit stop at 12:33 a.m. is Ken and Tina. There must be some noise ordinance in La Paz because Tina, like most of the racers who follow, whispers their next destination: Auckland, New Zealand. For the viewers who are unaware that they have to turn up their hearing aides, Phil tells us that the racers must fly to Auckland, drive to Gulf Harbor, and successfully untie a Gordian knot to receive their next clue. Ken, in kenfessional, says that his marriage has turned a corner and that he and Tina are now caretakers of each other. I guess during the Pit Stop, Ken and Tina experienced couples counseling - Terence style.

Bill: Terence! That guy’s a joke!
Mark: Free-spirit, my butt. He’s from California but had to move to New York just to get away with calling himself a free-spirit.
Dajaki: So what’s the difference between a free-spirit in California and one in New York? The Californian is okay if his kid drops out of high school, hitchhikes around the globe and ends up selling trinkets at flea markets. The New Yorker is okay if his kid gets into Brown instead of Yale.
Mark: Ha. Now get out of our dialogue.

At 12:59, Toni and Dallas whisper their clue and zip off to the airport. Dallas confesses that he doesn’t know where New Zealand is, but wonders what was wrong with the Old Zealand. Toni rolls her eyes, mutters “Einstein, he ain’t” and grouses about the geography classes she paid for. Who pays for geography classes? Dallas says that he has brains and that he’s college edgicated. Ah yes, from the school of hard knocks, no doubt.

Shortly after the departure of mother and son, the pit stop absolutely hemorrhages most of the remaining teams. The only team left is Kelly and Christy, who wonder if Phil is in on the latest heist of brassieres. Yes, he is and we know why. Meanwhile, Tina and Ken are researching flights at the airport and Toni and Dallas are riding around in circles on the luggage carousel. Terence and Sara are en route and rapturously accounting how they are adjusting to each other’s styles. Sara suggests buying a book about New Zealand and Terence, being the free-spirit that he is, tells Sara to ditch the book idea and just loosen up.

Mark: I heard that’s what he dsaid when she wanted to buy Smart women, foolish choices
Bill: Who needs a book about New Zealand? They should just watch The Lord of the Rings trilogy on the flight. Tells you everything you need to know about New Zealand.
Mark: Yes! (High fives)

Marisa and Brooke ponder the racial demographics of New Zealand and wonder if New Zealanders like blondes. One of them, and as I write this I’m not sure which girl is which . . .

Mark: Marisa has blonde hair
Bill: Brooke is from South Carolina

Thanks guys. Anyway, one of them says that they have blondes in NZ but she doesn’t think they have cute blondes, so they are going to be aces. Aja and Ty, decidedly not blonde, show some of the strain of being together constantly and start to bicker. Aja confesses that she’s exhausted from Ty’s constant presence and endless haranguing. Ty, weeping softly in the cab,

Bill: No doubt another Terence counseling victim

asks Aja to stop hurting his feelings. He confesses that he just wants an opportunity to kick a little butt (presumably not Aja’s). Aja, now nicknamed Fidel after the most benevolent dictator of Cuba . . .

Bill: Isn’t that a contradiction in terms?

. . . lets him know that she doesn’t appreciate any references to either kicking (punting, striking, booting) or butts (tushes, rears, booties), and that if he makes such a reference in the future, she will drop his sorry self over the nearest cliff.

Mark: Was that a direct quote?

Yes, now shut up. Nick and Starr’s cab ride is punctuated with happy thoughts of how their relationship has matured over the years and they are finally starting to relate to each other as adults. This illusion is blown almost immediately when Nick gets Starr in a headlock and gives her a noogie. As Starr shrieks, TAR producers cut to Andrew and Dan’s personal crises. Dan, apparently, has a lot of desire, but some might call it frustration.

Bill: I can relate. My desire frequently ends in frustration.
Mark: maybe you should start dating fast women
Bill: Maybe you should start dating women.

Enough guys! Geez, and I thought Nick and Starr were juvenile. It’s time for Andrew’s alone time with the camera guy and he’s gloating over the fact that Dan is starting to realize that TAR isn’t all about Dan; it’s not the Dan Show. Andrew says that it’s “Andrew and Dan on The Amazing Race.”

Bill: To be sequelled by “Andrew and Dan Go To White Castle”

It may also be sequelled by “Andrew and Dan Get Lucky” if their master plan to keep Marissa and Brooke close by works out. Turns out the AZ boys like the SC girls’, um, cupcakes.

Mark: it’ll never happen

The long and short of this entire segment of the show is that all the teams arrive safely at the airport and all the teams board the same flight to Auckland. Moving on . . .

Mark: only dajaki can draw out the cab rides to the airprot to 2 ½ pages

Loquaciousness is a gift. In Auckland, the first teams to race out of the airport are Terence and Sara, Andrew and Dan, and Ken and Tina. Andrew is a bit excited about being in a sandwich position with Sara and Tina.

Bill: If Sara's in it, it’s a turkey sandwich
Mark: a crazy, neurotic turkey sandwich

Terence, in typical Terence style, shows his neediness while driving to Gulf Harbor. He asks Sara, “Can I have a little love? Can you just touch me for a little? Maybe play with my hair?”

Mark: maybe some monkey grooming?
Bill: Maybe stroke my earlobes?
Mark: Twirl my single chest hari?
Bill: tweak my . . .

Gross! Please stop! There are many mishaps for the teams on the way to Gulf Harbor. Several teams get lost and stop for directions, and Aja and Ty get a flat tire. This stumps both of them and they waste valuable minutes staring at the flat while trying to decide what to do. Meanwhile, Toni and Dallas speed past. Toni lapses into uncontrollable laughter at the thought of passing another team while Dallas laments that he can’t stop because there’s nothing he can do for them. Yeah, he can’t change their tire or anything. Ty finally gets the idea that he should lie down prostrate on the road while Aja runs into traffic to get help.

Mark: didn’t that happen in a john voight film?
Bill: What? Anaconda?
Mark: No, the one with that kid from Dawson’s Creek.
Bill: You’re the only grown man I know who watched Dawson’s Creek.

This strategy eventually works when a motorist pulls over to help. In the meantime, the leading teams arrive at the marina to search out the Gordian knots. Okay, why Gordian knots? They are not a New Zealand thing.

Mark: No, but knowts are a marina thing
Bill: so what’s a Gordian knot?

It was a knot tied by Gordius, king of Phyrgia, and was only to be untied by the future ruler of Asia . . .

Bill: Aja, future Queen of Asia

But Alexander the Great, not a man who wasted time with pointless puzzles, sliced it in half with one swipe of his sword.

Mark: awesome! A sword!
Bill: Oh man, I wish I had my sword with me. We could reenact that scene. Wouldn’t it have been cool if the teams got to use swords?
Mark: Do you seriously think bruckheimer would have trusted even half of us with swords? We weren’t’ even allowed steak nkives at the pit stops.

The clue directs the teams to drive themselves to the summit of Mt. Eden, one of Auckland’s dormant volcanoes and its highest natural point. Once there, they’ll find their next clue. There is also a fast forward in the knot, and Ken and Tina jump at it. They are to go to the Auckland Tower, the tallest structure in the southern hemisphere and climb to the top of the tower via the maintenance ladders. Tina is terrified of heights, but decides to do it just so she can say neener, neener to the other teams. Andrew and Dan are also interested in taking the fast forward, but soon change their minds when they realize that they will have to wrestle Ken for the first opportunity to climb the tower.

Bill: They’re afraid of wrestling the former St. Louis Cardinal.
Mark: If he’d been an Arizona Cardinal, I bet a&d would have gone for it. Heck, we could take the arinzona cardinals!

Sadly, that’s true. Why do you think in 20 years, Mr. Dajaki and I have only been out to see three of their games? And while we’re on the subject of Arizona sports, GO SUNS! Mr. Dajaki went nuts with season tickets again this year and they better make a better showing than they did last year.

Bill: get back to the summary please!

Okay, so while Tina and Ken are scaling the tower, the other teams are either heading for Mt. Eden, untying their knots or getting well and truly lost. Well, only Marissa and Brooke are lost. Which is weird because they pass the road sign that says Gulf Harbor is only 12 km away and it appears that there are plenty of other road signs pointing to the destination.

Mark: Maybe they don’t know what km means
Bill: (in southern accent) well, k stands for “thousand” as in “I only date men who make more than 100k a year.”
Mark: oh geez. Which one did you ask out?
Bill: Marissa. (resumes southern accent) and the m stands for miiiiles, so Gulf Harbor is 12,000 miiiiles away. That’s kinda faar.

That explains so much. While the SC girls are traversing the islands, Terence and Sara make it to Mt. Eden and the Roadblock. And this is where I groan. It’s another Roadblock where the racer is “immersed” in the local culture. Immersed my a$$. All the team member has to do is take a diagram of a facial tattoo and find the Maori warrior who has the same tattoo. How in the name of god is this immersion? And since it is not a Roadblock that requires brute strength, Terence opts to do it. His first guess doesn’t work out so well and the warrior takes the card and runs off to his next casting for Survivor: Sheep Pasture (it’s a little known fact that there are 10,000 sheep per person in New Zealand and that people find them endlessly fascinating).

Mark: you made that aup

How would you know? You’ve never been to New Zealand because you lost in Bolivia! Eventually Terence does correctly identify the tattooed warrior and is encouraged to kiss him by Sara. I think I heard the warrior say, “Dude, I’ve got a big friggin’ spear. Do you seriously want to do that?” A dejected Terence returns to Sara with the clue and pouts because he can’t get any Maori love. Sara pets his head while reading the directions to drive themselves to the City Life Hotel in downtown Auckland. Once there, they are to go up to the rooftop balcony for the next clue.

As T&S head out, Toni is ready to do the Roadblock. It doesn’t take her long to identify her warrior and after the ceremonial butting of the noses, she tells him “You’re beautiful.” And you know what? She’s right. While most of the warriors look like Buddha at the Circus, a couple of them are hot. I mean smoking hot.

Bill: would I be smoking hot if I got one of those tattoos?
Mark: that depends. Would yuou also be on fire?

Terence and Sara are now at the hotel balcony and their clue tells them to grab a set of binoculars and look around the nearby buildings for the Travelocity roaming gnomes that are participating in New Zealand wish list activities. Sara wants a methodical way of looking for the gnomes while Terence wants utter chaos and proceeds to run around the roof like a chicken with his head cut off.

Bill: A Bolivian chicken on a homemade bike with his head cut off.
Mark: so we’re in Arizona. What are the Arizona wish list activities?

1. See the Grand Canyon, but for goodness sake, don’t hike it. I did that once and couldn’t walk for two days. 2. Go to Meteor Crater off of I-40. 3. Sedona - it’s gorgeous but be prepared for non-stop mystic hooha. 4. Kartchner Caverns - very cool. 5. Raft the Colorado River - There’s a nice easy stretch from Glen Canyon Dam to Lee’s Ferry.

At this point, we’re given an update on how Ken and Tina are doing. Tina is leading the way up this enormous radio tower that is swaying in the wind. Now I’m not gonna rip on Tina much in this summary, because anyone who climbs that thing, even if she’s safety harnessed, has my respect. Ken is mighty impressed with his wife and doesn’t snap back at the officious way she orders him to fetch the gnome. By the way, how many people were up on top of that tower? At least 3, maybe 4.

Bill: I counted 8.

Back at Mt. Eden, Kelly and Christy cannot find the road to the top of the hill, so they decide to hike it. Andrew and Dan, who do manage to find it, are thrilled by the idea of driving up a volcano and start their imitations of the aquarium fish in Finding Nemo. Andrew booms “Welcome to Mount Wannahockaloogie!” while Dan chants “Sharkbait! Oohaha!” Have I mentioned before that maturity is a problem with some of these teams?

Mark: there is nothing wrong with gorwn men who love animation

So says the 40-year-old virgin. Anyway Marissa and Brooke have finally made it to the Gordian knot and are fairly sure that they are now three weeks behind the other teams. Andrew and Christy are doing the Roadblock with Christy meeting her Maori match very quickly. Andrew takes a little longer, but that’s mainly because he is constantly distracted by the fanny pack he is carrying like a purse. Honestly, he looks like an old woman in Wal-mart, constantly hitching that thing back on his shoulder. He finally matches tattoo to tattoo, which delights Dan to no end, and they try to drive down the mountain as quickly as Kelly and Christy are running it.

Back at the City Life Hotel, Sara finds a hang-gliding gnome on a building roof a couple of blocks away. Dallas and Toni find one on an apartment balcony, coolly relaxing and sipping a bottle of fine New Zealand wine. Both read their Travelocity clues quickly and are directed to a large sculpture called Kiwi 360 in some town out in the middle of nowhere.

Nick and Starr, who have been absent for awhile, are at the Roadblock. Starr gets her first match wrong and is confused when the warrior runs from her. She turns to Nick and shouts, “Doesn’t he know I’m a Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? Men from all over the world come to Dallas just to meet me!” In a tender moment, she is briefly consoled by the screaming Maori at the clue box before taking another shot at the task.

Andrew and Dan have made it to the hotel roof to find their gnome when Dan turns to Andrew to verify that Andrew knows what a gnome looks like.

Bill: That cracked me up! During the casting process we were tested to guarantee that each of us knew the logos and mascots of our sponsors.
Mark: we werw also coached on talking points incase andyone we met would have benefited from the products or services of th show's sponsors
Bill: It was humiliating, but we were basically advertising prostitutes who just so happened to be on a worldwide race.

Very interesting. Anyway, the frat boys find a gnome sitting on a park bench next to a bike. Ah yes, sitting on a bench. Certainly ranks #1 on my wish list activities. As Andrew and Dan leave, they are passed by Kelly and Christy. It’s not long before Nick and Starr are also at the hotel and the rival teams are racing to find a gnome first. There is a little bit of a confrontation when Starr accidentally knocks the fanny pack containing Kelly and Christy’s clues off the ledge. A gust of wind takes it and blows it directly into a gnome sitting in a tree. Kelly turns to Starr to shout “That’s karma, you puffed up hag!”, but Nick is already bundling his sister into the down elevator to find the kayaking gnome he spotted.

Two other teams that are on the move are Ty and Aja, who has just finished the roadblock, and Ken and Tina, who are taking a helicopter to the next pit stop, Summerhill Farm. Marissa and Brooke, who have made up some time and are now only two weeks behind the other teams, are at the Roadblock. Brooke’s biggest challenge is getting the tattoo pattern out of the clue box because she is intimidated by the shouting warrior who is guarding it.

Bill: Do you think Brooke was secretly titillated by the angry Maori?
Mark: probably
Bill: Since I struck out with Marissa, do you think Brooke would go out with me if I shouted at her like that?
Mark: probly not

It’s at about this time that Ken and Tina arrive at the pit stop. They are greeted by Phil and an older gentleman who appears to have downed a bottle or two of fine New Zealand wine. He staggers towards Tina’s huge breasts and the plastic gnome they are cushioning and addresses them directly. “Hi . . . hic . . . I’m Phil’s dad . . . and it’s about demmed time . . . hic. . . he got me on this big Emmy . . . winning show of his . . . No good rotter . . . hic . . .” Phil corrals his dad and congratulates Ken and Tina on their first place win. Their prize is a Travelocity vacation (shocker) to Rio de Janeiro during Carnivale. Tina pulls Phil aside and asks for the cash value of the trip given that she doesn’t trust her husband in a town full of drunken half-dressed Brazilian babes. Phil nods in understanding and silently slips her a few grand.

Mark: Good call, tina

Eventually all teams find their gnomes, make it to Kiwi 360 and are directed to the Detour: A Matter of Time and A Matter of Skill. In Time, the teams go to a kiwi farm and with bare feet crush kiwis into 3 gallons of juice. They then must drink a gallon each for their next clue.

Bill: I don’t think it was a gallon each.

Zip it, comic boy, I’m writing this summary. In Skill, teams go to a place called Blocarts and assemble giant parasailing tricycles. Then they ride the carts around a track 3 times, and provided they escape serious injury, will receive their next clue.

Terence and Sara choose the kiwi crushing thing because Terence likes the idea of stepping on kiwis. I say choose the option that I cannot actually do in my own kitchen, but to each his own. The teams that choose this option, and I think it’s all of them, learn rather quickly that there are probably more efficient ways of obtaining a few gallons of kiwi juice. The kiwis are in this giant plastic tub that is lined with sharp rocks. You step on the kiwis, they’re crushed against the rocks, juice shoots out the spigot on the bottom, you drink that filthy swill and you’re done.

Mark: I’ve drunk worse
Bill: I’ve seen inside your fridge, I know you’ve drunk worse.

Sara and Terence go at it with all the vigor of Oregonian bee-keepers. Dallas and Toni, who quickly follow S&T into the detour, are less enthusiastic. Dallas is frustrated by the small amount of drippage . . .

Bill: that doesn’t sound right

. . . and Toni thinks it looked like much more fun when Lucy and Ethel stomped fruit. Dallas doesn’t know who Lucy and Ethel are, so Toni wastes 20 minutes explaining the burgeoning phenomenon of the American sitcom in the 1950s. Dallas still doesn’t understand what the relationship is between kiwi in New Zealand and comedy in the 1950s. After all, “that was before New Zealand was even discovered.”

Mark: is that a direct qote?

Yes. I put quotation marks around it, didn’t I? Terence and Sara finish the task, chug the green slurry and get their clue which directs them to the pit stop at Summerhill Farm, a 1,000 acre sheep farm somewhere in the country. Toni and Dallas dispiritedly watch Terence and Sara bounce away and decide to bail on the kiwis. This example is eventually followed by Nick and Starr, Andrew and Dan and Aja and Ty.

Terence and Sara, through the magic of television, make it to Summerhill Farm in about 10 seconds flat. They are greeted by Phil and an older gentleman who appears to have downed a bottle or two of fine New Zealand wine.

Bill: You just copied that sentence from another paragraph.
Mark: bill’s a master at stating the obvious

He staggers toward Terence and sticks out his hand. “I’m Phil’s dad . . . hic . . and this is my sheep farm . . . hic . . . You look like a weirdy . . . Don’t . . . hic . . . get any ideas about my sheep . . .” Phil corrals his dad and announces that Terence and Sara are Team #2. As a prize they get a Travelocity vacation (shocker, I know) to Mazatlan for the Dia de los Muertos festival.

Toni and Dallas arrive at Blocart and Toni admonishes her son to keep his parts separate from hers.

Bill: Otherwise they’ll end up with inbred, mutant parasail carts
Mark: why don’t they just build one massive cart and base it on the Batmobile or something?
Bill: That would rock!
Mark: and it would fly around the track and you could just hang on and pretend you’re shooting lasers or something
Bill: Mark, the Batmobile doesn’t have lasers! It has rockets, you doof.

As Nick and Starr and Andrew and Dan leave the Matter of Time detour, Kelly and Christy arrive. Christy, expecting help from Nick and Starr despite the scurrilous charges she’s made against them, shouts out for help. Nick, momentarily forgetting that he’s in a race for $1 million, sends them in the right direction. This angers Starr at first, but she is mollified by the thought that there is no way that Kelly and Christy can succeed where she failed. Little does she know that Kelly and Christy view this detour as a trip to the spa. They don’t complain one bit and in fact relish the exfoliating and massaging qualities of the kiwi.

At Blocarts, Toni and Dallas quickly build their carts and start their laps. Toni takes a few minutes to figure out how to control her parasail while Andrew and Dan stand around and scratch their heads. Apparently, the Sun Devils are mechanically challenged. Nick and Starr are fairly good at cart building. Before hopping on the cart for her ride, Starr ignores the safety advisor and looks around for her nemeses. She is surprised that Kelly and Christy haven’t given up on the kiwis and followed everyone else to Blocarts. Kelly and Christy, those diabolical, braless fiends, finish their stomping, clink glasses with “Cheers!” and finish their detour.

Andrew and Dan, frustrated over their lack of technical success, collapse in tears. Dan curls into the fetal position and moans, “I want sports trivia.” Andrew curls into the fetal position and moans, “I want Terence.”

Bill: I don’t know why you’ve gone off on this Terence the Counselor tangent.
Mark: maybe it’s because hes a coach
Bill: And touchy-feely
Mark: and charismatic

Charismatic? Yeah, that’s it. Anyway, Kelly and Christy have reached Summerhill Farm. They are greeted by Phil and an older gentleman who appears to have downed a bottle or two of fine New Zealand wine. He staggers towards the duo and slurs, “Hi! I’m Phil’s . . . hic . . . dad. He tells me . . . you’re divorshed . . . hic . . . Are you looking for a sugar daddy? . . . hic . . cause I’ll be your daddy . . .” Phil corrals his dad and tells Kelly and Christy that they are Team #3. Their prize is a Travelocity vacation (color me shocked) to New Orleans during Mardi Gras.

Meanwhile, back at the track, Andrew and Dan have dusted themselves off and are applying themselves to the building of the carts. Nick is cruising around the track like he’s James Dean (the unflappably cool, living one), and Starr is cruising around like she’s James Dean (the tragically mangled, dead one). Apparently Starr doesn’t listen well to safety tips. Her top-heavy cart, buffeted by too much wind and driven by too much stupidity, cart wheels across the median like a tumbleweed in the dustbowl.

Bill: Nice description.

Starr reflexively flings her arms out, a big no-no, and suffers major contusions, compound fractures, and massive bloodloss.

Mark: you’re a little melodraamatic
Bill: Puts me in the mood for red meat. Where can I get a good steak around here?

Try Monti’s La Casa Vieja. It’s down the street and on the left right before you cross the lake. Starr thinks her arm is broken, yet she manages to suck it up and carry on with the cart race. Meanwhile, Toni and Dallas cruise into Summerhill Farm. They are greeted by Phil and an older gentleman who appears to have downed a bottle or two of fine New Zealand wine. He staggers over to Toni and mumbles, “I’m Phil’s dad . . . hic. . . at leasht that’s what . . . his mother says . . . hic . . . still waiting on paterna . . . paterna . . . paternity tess . . . hic . . . Is this your son? . . . fine strapping lad . . . hic . . . wish I had a son . . .” Phil corrals his dad and tells Toni and Dallas that they are Team #4. Their prize is a Travelocity vacation (I’m stunned, not shocked, stunned) to Gilroy, California for the Gilroy Garlic Festival.

Bill: That sounds good. I’d take that vacation.
Mark: yeah, cause chick magnets always eat lost of garlic

Aja and Ty, who know they are in the rear of the pack and fear for their continuance in the race, chose to stomp kiwis, gave up, and are now heading to the Blocart place. Aja is betting that at least one team cannot possibly figure out how to build modes of conveyance and that she and Ty can catch up easily. She bases this idea on the fact that she was an auto shop queen in high school and Ty has an extensive collection of Matchbox cars.

Bill: Hey, I didn’t know that about Ty. We should call him.
Mark: I hope he’s left them all in their original packaging. They’re worth more that way and he can sell them to pay for his wedding.
Bill: (in a loud, insincere tone) Not like he needs the money! For all we know he may have won The Amazing Race!
Mark: Dude, your not fooling anyone. Everyone knowns that he and Aja won’t win this thing.

It’s at this point in the show when the producers zip through the rest of the leg’s events in the interest of time. Nick and Starr have finished the detour, and while Starr suffers in (relative) silence, Nick speeds off to Summerhill Farm. Andrew and Dan solicit the help of the staff at Blocarts and finally finish their parasails. They complete the laps around the track and then light their carts on fire, vowing never again to drive an alternate fuel vehicle.

Nick carries the injured Starr to the finish mat at the pit stop. They are greeted by Phil and an older gentleman who appears to have downed a bottle or two of fine New Zealand wine. He staggers over to Nick and Starr and mutters, “I’m Phil’s dad . . . hic . . . Wotchu got there? . . . Is that one of my sheep? . . . hic . . . Put ‘er down and I’ll . . . hic . . . I’ll lead her back to the paddock . . .” Phil corrals his dad and tells Nick and Starr that they are Team #5. Their prize was going to be a Travelocity vacation (what a surprise) to Dallas, Texas for a Dallas Cowboys game, but given Starr’s injury, their vacation has been replaced by an all-expense paid trip to the emergency room.

Marissa and Brooke, who have nearly disappeared from this episode by now, are at the detour. They are stomping on kiwis and having a Bubba Gump moment; each stomp is punctuated by a recitation of cupcake flavors. German Chocolate Cupcake. Strawberry Coconut Cupcake. Coffeecake Cupcake.

Bill: Marissa covered in hot fudge cupcake.
Mark: oh crap. here he goes
Bill: Buttery Brooke cupcake. Delicious blonde cupcake. Sweet South Carolinian cupcake.

Bill, please. Wipe off the drool. On a napkin! Andrew and Dan arrive at Summerhill Farm. They are greeted by Phil and an older gentleman who appears to have downed a bottle or two of fine New Zealand wine. He staggers over to Dan and blurts out, “I’m Phil’s dad . . . hic . . . Dan? . . . Is that you, m’boy? . . . hic . . . Danny? . . . hic . . . Why you here, son? . . . Thought you at school . . . ” Phil corrals his dad and tells Andrew and Dan that they are Team #6. Andrew watches with wonder as Dan throws his arms around Phil’s dad and announces “I love you, dad! You’re my dad, too!” The prize planned for 6th place, a Travelocity vacation of all things, is cast aside as Phil realizes he has a half-witted half-brother. A joyful family reunion ensues and the cameramen turn away out of respect.

Aja and Ty are having a little bit of trouble in the parasailing department. They have built their carts, but are continually tying the knots in the wrong positions. Aja’s knots are continually around Ty’s neck and Ty’s are around Aja’s ankles. Finally, they receive the all-clear to race around the track. When finished, they hop into their car and pray that they have the right directions to the pit stop. Aja and Ty are clearly frustrated, but they decide to focus on the positive rather than the very real possibility of crushing defeat by two brainless blondes.

Bill: Two hot brainless blondes

And speaking of Marissa and Brooke, they finish their detour and race through the night to the pit stop. The seventh team to arrive is . . . Wait for it . . . Wait for it . . . Aja and Ty! They are greeted by Phil and an older gentleman who appears to have downed a bottle or two of fine New Zealand wine. He staggers to them and stammers, “Hi, I’m Phil’s dad . . . hic . . . Can’t carry my drink . . . like I used to . . . hic . . . You two live around here? . . . hic . . . Wanna drink ? . . .” Phil corrals his dad and tells Aja and Ty that they are Team #7. Their prize is the opportunity to be in the next leg of the race.

Finally, several hours later, Marissa and Brooke stagger into the pit stop. They are greeted by Phil and the prone figure of an older gentleman who is passed out cold beside a bottle or two of fine New Zealand wine. Phil corrals his emotions and tells Marissa and Brooke that they are the last team to arrive and they have been eliminated from the race. Their prize is a Travelocity vacation to Sequesterville . . .

Bill: Yes! Come to papa!

Marissa and Brooke have a good cry on Phil’s shoulder. They tearfully state that they are just two girls from South Carolina who had a dream to travel the world. Their big discovery, however, was that they realized that they are meant to be BFF. How very touching. Gag.

Next week on The Amazing Race: Terence gets in trouble with the law. That sounds promising, but I remember Colin (from TAR 4? Remember the “intense” guy with the feathered hair?) getting in trouble with the law, and nothing really spectacular ever came from that. And Kristy and Chelly, sorry, too much New Zealand wine, Kelly and Christy start pi$$ing off everyone. Like that wasn’t predicted by everyone around realitytvworld.

Andrew and Dan haven’t shown, so I’m going to pack it in and head back into Phoenix. I would like to thank Mark and Bill for their contributions to this summary.

Mark: Hey, no problem! Maybe one of us will write one for a future race.
Bill: I’ll do it. Mark can’t write worth crap.
Mark: I can too. I wrote a really cool comic strip about a volcano, a Maori god, a quest to a city in the clouds, an heroic luchador . . . Hey, where you guys going? Can’t I have a little love?