LAST EDITED ON 10-22-02 AT 11:39 PM (EST)
Previously on Whine Wheedle and Whore, Team Cobi stifled their urge to kill Juliet as she nearly had them forcibly ejected from Miller Park. Fortunately, ol’ Josh smoothed things over (he let the nice elderly gate keeper guy, whom she treated so poorly, piss in her beer) and Team Cobi was able to complete their 7th task by singing (silently) the National Anthem. Team Contact struggled to complete tasks 4 and 5 (working in a baseball stadium and having their pic taken with some Olympic chick) and are still 2 tasks and a time zone behind Team Corgi.
So we begin tonight on Day 7 with Team Cobi (which I am convinced is short for CO-uld we kill the BI-tch and get away with it) at Amtrack Union Station in Chicago. Juliet’s Aunt Michelle is supposed to meet them to purchase train tickets to Kansas City. It’s a real nail biter as Juliet is talking to her on a borrowed cell phone....will she make it in time before the 3 other Cobi’s strangle Juliet's neck? DAMN! There she is and buys FIRST CLASS sleeper beds for the kids to KC. Josh says, “Although we all hate her and she’s pissed off every person we have encountered on this trip, she does have connections”. After falling into a Red Snapper First Class Dinner induced state of happiness, the team fondly talks of feeling like a family and being proud of their accomplishments (read: Juliet’s rich aunt).
Contrast the heartwarming scene above with Team Contact’s bus ride.
Katie: It’s smelly. It smells like poop. Like OH MY GOD this bus like actually makes stops in all these podunk towns and like I didn’t even want to get off at the stop because like I was afraid I would get abducted and thrown in a ravine.
Ahem...Katie, the only reason you ever WOULD be abducted would be so that someone COULD throw you in a ravine after they bashed your head against the pavement over and over and over again. Ahhhhh…..oops sorry, was lost in the rapture of that image.
But if you thought Katie was annoying, Aubrey took the trophy home tonight! “Myyy teeeeeam expects meeeee to do EVERYTHING!” With an extra whiny emphasis on everything, a big sigh, and eyeballs rolling all over the place because she has to make one teensy tinsy phone call to the Memphis Grizzlies to try to arrange shooting some hoops. I have a teenager who has less of a whinefest when I ask her to get OFF the phone! So everything is arranged and they head off to the Grizzlies only to find out that the PR guy “forgot” that the floor had been taken up by the graduation ceremony being held. BAM! Team Contact shot down again! More whining from Aubrey about how for every task they complete, it’s a two day turn around and it’s just (stomps foot) NOT FAIR!
Meanwhile back at Corbi, all is not sunshine and roses as they get off the train to a rainstorm in Kansas City. After a valiant attempt to get a corporate guy to book them a room at a hotel under the corporate rate, the management says no way and Juliet starts bitching at them until Bubba physically pulls her away from the front desk as Josh says, “Just mellow out for a sec, Juliet.” Juliet sees easier prey and picks the dorkiest looking guy in the lobby and starts to sweet talk him. All the while she’s smiling and giggling and her little elastic top keeps creeping up further and further until her entire abdomen is exposed, her breasts are in dorkboys face and before he knows it, he is agreeing to walk a mile in the rain to buy the team a hotel room for the night after the management of this particular hotel kicks them out. So they are walking happily into their nice dry room and dorkboy doesn’t even get so much as a smooch! As much as I hate to admit it, I was kinda impressed. Until the hotel scenes.
Juliet jumps up and down on the bed “I’m a big slut!” “Look at me in my tiny barely there shorts” “I like to make guys uncomfortable...I like to be in CONTROL” and when she says CONTROL there is this very frightening psycho hose beast look in her eyes. *Shudder*
Josh, who obviously has been laid exactly twice since graduating from high school, looks on as if in a trance waxing poetic about the many moods of Juliet. “Sometimes she’s difficult, sometimes she’s playful, sometimes she’s sexy……sometimes I beat off and think of my mother,” Sorry, got bored with what he was saying after this 5 minute little spiel so I just started making stuff up.
So after all this frolicking as performed by Juliet, Team Corbi goes to see the Wizard, the Wonderful Wizard of Oz. Oh wait, that would be the semi-wonderful Kansas City Wizzards of Soccer. The task? At least one team member must SCORE a goal against goalie Bo Oshinya within 10 tries. Heh heh heh… I said score! (Sorry, still missing Beavis and Butthead)
Josh is up first………not too bad (if you are in third grade and have never kicked a soccer ball in your life.) Kelli is next and is even more pathetic and Josh has to note this so that HE does not look like a total loser, which of course, just empasizes that point! Then we have Juliet who actually, wasn’t too bad (she just missed the corner of the goal). And finally we have Super Bubba in his super slick pony tail who says “I’ve never kicked a soccer ball in my life, but when I watch it on tv, they always look like they are trying to trick the goalie into thinking they are aiming somewhere else.” I knew then that he would make it. And of course he did. Wow, what a surprise.
Isn’t this damn show over yet? Do I have to write about Team Contact? I hate them! *Sigh*
Okay, so Team Contact is losing big time, they are getting disheartened after their bummer with the Grizzlies, so they come up with the really great idea of seeing if they can get Tony to play hoops with the inmates at the Shelby County Jail. Unfortunately for them, the Shelby County Jail has a rule in place forbidding non-inmates to join in a little game of pick up with the inmates. I was truly disappointed as I was hoping to watch Tony fall for the old “I dropped my soap” line. Rats. So the next great idea is to, leave yet another city with no tasks accomplished and move onto Dallas.
Wait, stop the show…….in fact stop the world: Tony is hungry.
Yep, that’s it boys and girls……when Tony is hungry he needs to eat and right now he wants Wendy’s.
The 3 other members of his team however, have decided that actually getting somewhere so they can accomplish a task might be more important. How dare they! They are UNCOOPERATIVE--and that is the entire reason they are sucking at this game(according to Tony the Terrific). Tony throws a temper trantrum to rival any two year olds and throws down his bat (wait, I guess it was the scroll) and pouts until he sees Julian acting like an even bigger baby.
“If we don’t catch that bus to Dallas I’m quitting. I’m going home. That’s it man, it’s just not worth it. I quit” says Julian, Mr. I’m Playing To Win.
Tony goes in a bar and asks these two trailer trash babes to take them to the bus stop, which they gladly agree to do, but they are drunk and take them to the wrong stop. At this point, whiny Aubrey is beside herself and whining incessantly as Julian is stepping up his “I’m gonna quit” mantra. They manage to coerce the wrong bus to take them to the right busstop and during the ride, Aubrey has tears in her eyes talking about how hard they are working and “I can’t beeeelieeeeveee this is my liiiiife “ wah wah wah. Julian shut his trap an surprisingly Katie didn’t say much either.
So we end the evening with Team Cobi leading at 8 tasks and they are currently in Kansas City and Team Contact still has only 5 tasks completed and they are on their way to the land of sports opportunities--Dallas (does that sound just wrong to you?).
Tune in next week! (Why? Wait, I’m still working on the why part.)
MM "We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." - Vince Lombardi