Last Comic Standing 2, Episode 3 Official Summary
Boredom and Loathing in Las Vegas
Las Vegas Finals Part 1
The comics arrive at the Paris Hotel in Vegas and pile out of the NBC clown car. Kerri hits us with the genius assumption that the audience is sure to be bigger in Vegas. Duh. It’s Vegas. EVERYTHING’S bigger. Todd Glass, who is both hyperactive and hypersensitive explains to us that he’s been told that he’s “on” too much, so he’s toning down his off-stage persona. This will last almost until he finishes that sentence. Upon checking in, they find out that they are sharing their rooms, whereupon they all proceed to throw hissy fits. Are you freaking kidding me? These people are auditioning for a show that will put them in a, as in one, house with nine other of these freaks. Once there, they are certain to have to do tasks for a national TV audience that would make Pauly Shore turn up his nose. I gotta say, if you’re peeved about the rooming situation at a resort hotel, it’s only going to get worse…much worse, and very quickly. Turn back now.
Here are your room assignments as shown:
Sue and Marina
Bonnie and Kerri
DC and Todd
Ant and Dan Ahdoot
Kerri thinks Bonnie doesn’t like her. Bonnie does her one better by saying that not only doesn’t she like her, but she doesn’t like her act. She probably thinks her babies are ugly, too. I have to agree with her sentiment that advancing women who aren’t funny sets the movement back, but sweetheart (I hear she prefers to be called that), you’re not exactly settin’ it off yourself with your “I’m a hobag” routine. Just sayin’.
Ant enters his room and announces that he was unaware that they would be sharing rooms, as if his knowledge of such would change his participation in this event one iota. See, here’s the thing. If your public belly-aching isn’t going to either cause action on your part or achieve anything but derision in your general direction, it’s best to keep your damn piehole shut. I’m sorry you weren’t consulted on this, Ant, but y’see you are…well, you’re effingAntferchrissakes, as in the guy with so little going on that he could spend 2 consecutive years whacking away at this little slice of insignificance. So the odds of anyone giving a rat’s ass (not to be confused with Ratboy’s ass, which has much more market value, or so I’m told) about your feelings regarding pretty much everything while in the custody of The Peacock are roughly equivalent to those on J-Lo and Marc Anthony’s nuptial bliss lasting til the end of time. Unable to lash out at his oppressors, he does the next best thing. He gets catty at Dan for picking a bed without checking with him first. WTFever, dood.
Meanwhile down the hall, in DC Benny’s private hell, he’s trying to tell Todd that, although he gave the initial impression that he has the self control of Robin Williams on a 6-day coke bender, he’s actually pretty low-key. And he says it with a straight face, too. Flash forward to about 4 AM, and Todd is jumping on the bed like a kid who just ate a pile of Lik-M-Ade the size of the pile of dust on Tony Montana’s desk at the end of Scarface and repeating with Rain Man-like precision that he’s “Todd Glass and he’s always on”. I’m sure DC Benny is imagining killing Todd in his sleep. Heh. Like he’s ever falling asleep.
Downstairs, they cram the comics into a small room with finger food, and call it a reception. Bullshit. I’ve been to bigger receptions at the local VFW hall. I’m guessing this is to give them some material to use, since what we’ve seen so far is making Dat Phan sit back in his newly expanded desk bungalow and say “I’m funnier than all y’all muthas”. Todd Glass continues to work in overdrive, causing Ant to say the only funny thing he’ll utter all night: “He looks and says, ‘These guys look like they’re having a good time. Let me go f*ck that up.’” Kathleen guarantees a crazier Todd Glass as the show goes on. Oh goody.
Hobag Bonnie grabs Todd and sticks her tongue down his throat. Apparently the caravan of folks she’s willing to do to get a leg up on the competition extends to desperate, middle-aged ass-clowns. Ant clues us in to the fact that Bonnie only fraternizes with the men. Mostly? Ant is just jealous that they like to look at her ass and not his. Bonnie shows us her “Hi Mom!” thong. That gal is all class.
Meanwhile Kerri Louise is fuh-reaking out. WhatamIgonnado, whatamIgonnado? Well, you can start by saying something funny…ever. Monty tells us about the mental gymnastics they’re all going through before the big night as the Rocky music swells. Oh, the torture these poor attention whores must be going through…
Outside, Gary is pimping himself out to the tourists in line. He’s very good as a greeter. If this comedy thing doesn’t work out, I see a roll of smiley-face stickers and a blue vest in his future.
Alright, enough with this stupidity, let’s get on with the show. As pure window dressing, The Peacock has enlisted the services of Tess, the sassy finalist from last season, Anthony Clark, a man who had a perfectly good stand-up act that he threw away for one of the most unwatchable shows in the history of television, Drew Carey, who thinks squinting through contact lenses is going to make people forget that he’s pushing 3 bills, and Brett Butler, the woman who was swallowed by Roseanne’s wake, under the guise that they’re “talent scouts”. Mostly it’s just a Hail Mary on the part of their agents to get their mugs in front of a camera so they can pay for their kids’ dental work.
Meanwhile back with the comedians who have yet to destroy their careers…
First up is my favorite…Jessica Kirson.
She’s a keeper, ain’t she fellas? The charm and grace of your local DMV worker crammed into Mama Cass’ frame. I wish, oh how I wish that we could get a glimpse behind the façade. Wait. What’s this? Olympic-style profiles?! Sweet! Thank you, NBC. Thank you, thank you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. I thought we were just going to get 5 minutes of stand-up from these comedians, but no. The creative geniuses have decided to give us 2, and fill in with some footage showing how truly depressing these peoples’ lives really are. Good call. No, really.
Jess tells us how supportive her family has been, and how she’s been the “funny one” in the family. Am I the only one putting two and two together here and seeing mom as the driving force to keep her manic ass on the road as much as possible?
As for her act, she led with the same unfunny “what if I really sounded like that” bit, followed by the crazy woman stare. Kill. Me. Now. She moves on to being codependent in New York and how she’s intimidated by British children. Well, at least that’s what my wife told me, as I had to leave the room to, erm, attend to my own mental health. I returned to find her being complimented by Tess as not being the stereotypical nice large girl. Huh? Is she not familiar with the concept of the American sitcom post-Shirley from “What’s Happenin’”? You don’t get a job on TV as a large girl if you don’t pack a ‘tude.
Next up? Greeter Gary. He explains to us about his tortured life as a CPA and how he saw Shawshank Redemption and quit his job the next day, presumably to get framed for killing his wife and be sent to a 1930’s prison. This is one of the more inexplicable things I’ve heard in my life. The kind that makes you stop the tape, rewind it, and play it again just so you can prove to yourself that you didn’t go delusional for a brief moment there. Did he really say that Shawshank Redemption made him quit his job? Yes. Yes, he did. And? This little maneuver had him living at home until he was 25. I’m guessing mom tore up his Blockbuster card after that little fiasco.
He opens with the timeless “I’m a poor, shiftless comedian” material, but shifted into a decent bit about cheerleader inspiration. He’s guaranteed a spot in the house, though, as pretty much the only telegenic male on the damn show. Drew Carey asks him if he ever played football, allowing Gary to run out the “Jew” nickname one-liner he used last week. Tess asks him if he would walk around naked if he got into the house. Gary looks visibly frightened and makes a mental note to call his attorney about a TRO after the show.
Corey Holcomb is next. His voice reminds me of Bill Cosby. Matter of fact, I thought he was about to try to sell me some Jell-O pudding. I wish he would’ve gone that route, but instead he breaks out his best 1970s “men are sex-starved pigs” and “divorce is a bitch for men” material. Nice delivery, I just wish he’d stop watching TV Land long enough to write something I didn’t hear on “Love Boat” when I was 12. He most definitely has a future in a WB show that no one will watch. Tess sets him up for some more uninspired jokes about being a libidinous cheapskate. Next…
Tim Young tells us about how he’s a redneck runaway. Now? He lives in New York, does yoga, and lives a life of Zen as an “aspiring Buddha”. My penis shrunk to half its size just watching this. I also recognize that Tim has zero chance of advancing, since he’s only the second of the four comics thus far who have been profiled, and I don’t think my gal Jess is getting a whiff of the House.
His act consisted of worrying that his family might have been the Virginia/Maryland/DC snipers, how his dad’s a hairy beast, and a deity run-off, which was an inspired idea poorly executed. He also made Muhammed sound like the Taco Bell dog.
Kathleen Madigan is up next, and I’m torn. She’s clearly a pro, but it seems like she’s pacing herself. Her material thus far has been OK, but it’s her delivery and stage presence that’s keeping her afloat. I hope she’s saving the good stuff for the house. She did bits on anorexic gymnasts, trampolining as an Olympic sport, and the Pope being, shall we say, past his prime. This was the best so far of a mediocre group.
Ant is up next, and he’s worried that his dad (who, unbelievably, has taller hair than Ant) is in the crowd. His act is all about him being gay. What a surprise. He is woefully bad. It’s almost as if he’s represented by someone running this show, or something. Not that NBC would ever do something like that. After his set, he tears up and says he’s already won because his dad is proud of him. Awwww. I guess this means you can leave now. No? Dammit.
Next on Circus of the Sucky is Kerri Louise. Kerri gets a profile about her twins, which means she’s not advancing. I’m still not sure what the execs saw in her to begin with because she hasn’t said anything that’s even made me grin in 3 sets. Here’s where I get upset that she has the slot that could’ve gone to Vlad. Moooving on…
Monty Hoffman packed his best leisure wear for this gig. He does the same bit about being the guy from the Operation game, which is followed by more self-depricating humor. It’s not particularly inspired material, but he does well with it. It’s at this point that I’m thinking that I got the bad draw in the Finals. Silvergirl is gonna get all the good stuff. Still, Monty gets a standing O. Good for him…I guess.
Dan Ahdoot gets profiled, which means that he’s done too. After watching his set, I can see why. He went Dat Phan and did the same exact set he did in New York. It was funny then, and it’s funny now, but there’s no way in hell NBC’s gonna let Dat happen again. Pity, I thought he had potential. After his set Anthony Clark asks him how it feels to perform in front of this many people. Dan says that this is the first time he’s been flown anywhere or gotten free water. If the profile wasn’t the kiss of death, this is.
Finally, it’s our beloved hobag, Bonnie MacFarlane. She doesn’t disappoint by opening with a joke where she drops the “C” word (and I don’t mean “cutlery”). This is followed by more jokes about strip clubs and boob jobs. I see, and it’s Kerri Louise who’s setting women’s comedy back? Riiiight. Kerri's only crime is that she's not funny. She's not the one making millions at home think she's a frequent resident of the casting couch. Jay lofts a softball to her about her choice of words in front of the suits, giving her the opportunity to say that “she doesn’t always do the right thing”. All the suits now have erections. Brett tries to represent for the bad girls, which is just sad really. Kinda like your dad trying to explain to you how he once played baseball in high school. Backstage, Bonnie tries to defend her stunt, while Ant, playing the role of morality police, disapproves. Then again, I'm sure he's familiar with what a career implosion sounds like.
Now it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for…the first 5 keys to the House and the light at the end of the tunnel of this ponderous summary. Backstage, Ant says he’ll be disappointed if he doesn’t get in. What happened to “I’ve already won”? That’s what I thought.
And the 5 are…
Kathleen Madigan (Duh)
Gary Gulman (No shock here)
Corey Holcomb (Zzzzzz)
Bonnie McFarlane (Men with wood do stoopid things.)
Ant (No rigging going on here. No sirree.)
Afterward there was much rejoicing and disappointment and none of it was remotely interesting, so goodbye until next week.