Last Comic Standing 2, Episode 9 Official Summary
Let’s Twist Again, Just Like We Did Last Summer
Previously on Last Comic Standing…
10 little comics checked into the house…Bonnie started to whine, and then there were nine.
9 little comics rode on a bus…Todd did nothing but irritate, and then there were eight.
8 little comics went to a roast…Ant’s departure was heaven, and then there were seven.
7 little comics acted like clowns…Jay was thrown out of the mix, and then there were six.
Now 6 little comics will soon become 5, and the losers are back in a twist so contrived.
Alright, enough bad poetry. Gary returns from the showdown where he bested house fave JayLo, winning for the second consecutive week. Everyone, including the ones who nominated him, are happy to see him. (Could these people be any phonier?) Corey is proud of Gary, telling him that winning twice is huge, just like his waist size. Gary says it wasn’t any fun beating Jay, not that he didn’t hop right the hell on that rickety school bus back to the pimp castle. Tammy retorts by saying, “but it was fun beating Ant, right?” “Hell, yeah,” Gary and 90% of the home audience say simultaneously.
But just when it was about to get interesting, Jay Mohr shows up to tell the comics that The Peacock has been pressuring LCS to meet its twist quota. So he marches out 3 Speedo-clad chuckleheads from Average Joe long enough to let Corey get off 2 or 3 more homophobic blasts. He then says, psyche, Average Joe is the next castle over, HAR-DEE-HAR-HAR, and sends them on their way, getting a nice ass-grab on the last guy out. As for the real “surprise”…
Enter the losers. Who didn’t see this coming? Really? The comics act shocked, and probably they are. I mean we’re not talking about the most analytical lot, here. Ant goes from Zero to Raging Queen in about 3.2 seconds after Jay tells them that they will have a hand in the next Showdown vote. He says, well I know someone who voted for me after they swore they wouldn’t who’s in BIG trouble, and exits. No one misses him. John, however, is rattled by this turn. He knows that Ant is referring to him, not that he needed to guess. He all but pulls out a megaphone to announce how John did him wrong. As if A) he wasn’t a conniving little hobgoblin while in the house, and B) anyone cares at this point what he thinks.
Amidst all the acrimony from the returning looo-zers, Gary is so excited to see his long-lost buddy Todd, that he immediately begins to hump his leg. Kathleen makes an apt comparison to her relationship with Rusty, although I’m hoping it’s much more platonic.
Outside the pimp castle, a visibly upset John throws the Travelocity gnome into the moat, mistaking it for Ant. While, as we head for commercial, Jay tells them to expect another twist. Watching at home, I expect to be completely unmoved by this revelation.
Back from commercial, the looo-zers are in the kitchen eating their weight in Count Chocula, having subsisted on the Comedian Diet (Ramen and Kool-Aid) in their time away from the house. Ant tells us that they are the lucky ones, since they don’t have to do any more challenges. I find myself wondering where it all started to unravel for Ant, because he’s seriously 2 days away from being that shopping cart guy who mutters all day about how he’s free of society’s shackles. That’s how loose his grip on reality is.
The Fortune Teller spits forth the following: “But does it play in Peoria?” Fortunately, Jay doesn’t give the comics much time to ruminate on this, for fear their tiny brains will implode, by telling them that they will be required to give a pitch about a sit-com starring themselves to a focus group. “Focus Group”, of course, meaning “group of clueless idiots who can’t get a job at the Wendy’s drive-through, and thus spend their whole day watching pirated cable”. The Focus Group will pick the winner, who will get immunity for the upcoming Showdown. Cut to both John and Corey talking about how this is the biggest challenge yet, as it guarantees a spot in the finals. This, of course, means that neither will win the contest, both will be in the Showdown, and one will go home. That is how transparent the editing is on this
horrendous Emmy-nominated show. Next, Gary tells us that after his experience where he got raked over the coals by 2 has-beens in the industry, there is nothing, I repeat NOTHING, anyone could say that would upset him. The foreshadowing in this show has gone from transparent to farcical.
The pitches were taped, and the comics watch the focus group through a one-way mirror, as they watch the tapes. There’s something Orwellian about that which I could comment on if I wasn’t so completely fried from watching 9 weeks of this freak show. Speaking of shows…
Corey’s pitch is about a ghetto Al Bundy who moves in with Frasier’s family. Corey is officially not trying at all. So all that talk about “biggest challenge” was…? No Eye of the Tiger for Corey; It’s more like Eye of the Sloth. The pretentious slackers in the focus group are split. Some think he’s down to earth, others find him completely unlikable. I’m in the second group.
Kathleen’s pitch is about a comic who’s tired of the road and winds up hosting a show in Branson. This is waaaayyy too “Waiting for Guffman” for this low-brow group. It’s Bonnie Hunt in a setting no one will appreciate. Not surprisingly, no one appreciates it.
Alonzo’s pitch is called “From Day 1”, and is about a recovering middle-class drug addict. This one actually had the most potential to be funny, so it didn’t surprise me in the least that they all hated the idea. Pitch it to HBO, Alonzo. They’ll make it, and it will win Emmys.
Gary’s pitch was called “Doctor in the House”, and was typical sit-com fodder about a recent med school grad who has to move home with his mom. Hijinks, apparently, ensue. No thanks. The focus group hated it, too, which sent Gary into histrionics. We get the replay of him saying “nothing they could say will upset me” played over and over while he gesticulates his pelvis at them.
Tammy’s trite entry was called “The Goddaughter”. Big surprise, there. It’s “The Sopranos” meets “Mama’s Family”. It could’ve been about a woman who stays at home and Jazzercises all day and the guys in the group would’ve loved it. They spent the whole time paying attention to her rack.
John’s idea was about a long-distance relationship, called “The State I’m In”. For something he came up with in 5 minutes, it wasn’t bad. However, it was obvious he gave it no real thought. Again, so much for “the biggest challenge yet”.
Jay reveals the results…
With a score of 48.9 (umm, 48.9 what? Percent? Points? Fahrenheit?) Alonzo’s good idea came in last. Figures.
With a score of 50.8, Corey’s “Ghetto-wit-Children” idea came in next-to-last.
With a score of 59.4, Gary’s awful idea came in 4th.
With a score of 61.7, John’s 5-minute idea came in 3rd. (Just goes to show that if he gave it any thought, he would’ve won.)
With a score of 63.4, Kathleen’s Branson nightmare show is 2nd.
boobs idea wins! She got a score of 65.3 for an idea that has Tony Danza written all over it. Is it any wonder I watch Reality TV?
After the challenge, John is fearful about his fate. He tells us that all the loooo-zers hold grudges that the remaining players have already forgotten about. Inside the house, Tammy gets flowers and a drippingly sarcastic card from Todd and Bonnie, who have decided to play the role of the adolescent whiners to Ant’s jilted prom queen. When Tammy starts to bristle, Todd and Bonnie say “It’s just a game”. Repeatedly. In mocking tones. I’m torn. I don’t know whether to laugh at Tammy’s misfortune, or wish for something extremely heavy to fall from the sky and crush Bonnie and Todd for being the most annoying humans in my world. Fortunately, I don’t have to torture myself, because…
It’s nomination time!
Tammy votes for Ga--- Corey. Ooh, very clever Tammy.
Alonzo votes for John
Corey votes for John
Gary votes for Kathleen
John votes for Kathleen
Kathleen votes for Gary
Ant pisses, moans, and votes for John
Jay votes for Kathleen
Todd votes for Alonzo
Kathleen has 3, John has 3, Corey has 1, Gary has 1, and Alonzo has one. It all comes down to Bonnie…
She votes John. If you didn’t see that coming, I’d recommend the Encyclopedia Brown collection. It’s more up your alley.
John can only choose Alonzo or Corey as his opponent. He chooses Corey.
But wait! There’s another twist! The comedians act shocked, and, again, probably are. Never mind that Jay told them to expect another twist. This time there will be three comedians in the Showdown. So everyone, except John and Corey, has to go through the motions again.
Tammy votes for Gary
Alonzo votes for Gary
Gary votes for Alonzo (where did all the Kathleen votes go?)
Kathleen votes for Alonzo
Ant votes for Alonzo
Todd votes for Alonzo (at least he was consistant)
Jay votes for Alonzo
Bonnie, and her vote, are irrelevant.
Jay congratulates Gary and Kathleen for advancing to the Final Five. There really ought to be a rule about advancing to the finals without ever having to go on stage. I mean, I’m all for Kathleen, but come on. It’s a huge, glaring flaw in this show.
Before the Showdown, John is OK with losing to either Corey or Alonzo. Based on the ridiculous editing of this show, he is guaranteed a spot in the Final Five. Corey and Alonzo are ready to get on stage and go to work. Man, I wish I had their hours.
Jay opens the show with a lame bit about birds and how they never get hit by cars. Why do we even need to see this? Do we need warming up?
Corey is first up. Backstage, he talks of all the people who are counting on him. I sure hope they have a Plan B. He opens his set with his tired “Extra Ghetto” bit. He seems way too relaxed and almost chatty with the audience. It’s like he’s shooting from the hip. Corey is not good enough to shoot from the hip. He follows up his “Ghetto” bit with some stuff about men acting when out on a date, which segues into how he lets you know up front that he’s a bad guy. Then he makes his critical error. He starts to diss the women in the audience. Now if this were a regular stand-up gig, all bets are off, but this is a competition. Alienating voters is a bad thing (see: May, Ralphie). He mocks hairstyles, foreheads, and women’s intelligence in knowing when they’re being played. Even if it was funny, which it wasn’t, it wasn’t the way to go with so much at stake. Then again, I don’t know what other material he has.
Next up is Alonzo. Alonzo is too intense for his own good. He says he’s going to leave it all on stage, which might require some work considering that his set is probably only 15 minutes long. <Insert sexual endurance joke here> He appears confident on stage. He seems a little nervous in his delivery, but he masks it with volume. He opens with a bit about dating gimmicks. He too, disses the women, but backtracks to diss the men more. This is the balance that Corey lacked. He does a bit about women being gold diggers and the men who are jealous of it. He follows with getting in “Gay shape”, which segues into the bit about White Man’s value as breeder of White Woman. He finishes with a funny bit about how useless his women friends are. Solid set. Much better than Corey.
John is last. John is still a spaz on stage. Fortunately, it goes with his childhood material. He does a montage of bits about being the oldest brother terrorizing the younger ones, which segue into a bit about torturing the dog with the cardboard tube, and the dog’s revenge. All in all, not a bad effort. Not his best, but not bad.
In the end, Alonzo pulled in 55%, John got 38%, which means that Corey got a whopping 7%. He is mystified as to why he didn’t score better. This is why he needs some more seasoning. He’s bitter about having come so close only to lose. He says this one hurts. Good thing for him, there’s one more twist left…
Next week, the Wildcard Episode, where all the looo-zers come back in front of a live audience for one more shot to get back in the finals, which pretty much makes the previous 9 episodes a complete waste of time. Thanks, NBC. Seriously.