Episode 6? How many weeks has this show been on? Seriously. I’ve lost track, but it seems like eons. Sure, that might have something to do with the fact that MTV airs each Real World episode approximately 120 times a day, in between episodes of “Date My Mom” and an occasional airing of that annoying “Holla Back, Girl” video. That being said, I’m not going to do a “previously on the Real World…” because even if you missed all 840 of those airings, you can just go read Vols’ summary, which is far more entertaining than 30 minutes (12.5 minutes if you don’t count the commercials) of this self-indulgent drivel.
We open with Melinda making out with the phantom of the opera (Danny) in the shower. Danny Phantom, as we’ll find out later, is still a little self-conscious about his looks after the Week 1 brawl. Yeah, Danny. You’re hideous. As ugly as Karen Carpenter was fat. Too bad Kevin Spacey’s character from “Seven” doesn’t have a bottle of pills handy. But I digress.
Anyway, Danny Phantom and Melinda are in the shower together and are quite non-plussed when everyone else joins them. Nothing worse than when public shower sex is interrupted. Straight-Lacedy astutely points out: “I don’t need to see any more people in the shower. That’s plenty of sex-ed for me in one night.” Thanks, sweetie. You’ve just eliminated MTV’s program block for the next eight months.
(sound effect of cracking whip) But Melinda is getting to Danny Phantom. She promises that he is the only person she thinks about when she goes out is him. But Danny Phantom wants to get in a few grabs from the groupie drawer. He warns her that he’s going to want to go out on his own, soon.
We’re shown a few establishing shots of the University of Texas, but sadly, no gunman is atop the tower to take out these morons. There’s a quick “at work” sequence with Bad-Haired Boss, and no one cares. Yeah. The “real world” is all about getting a job and having “executive producers” tacked to your name right away. That’s how the Weinsteins got started, I hear.
After work, Danny Phantom is asking for advice from Stifler and Obadiah. Stifler, who would make a fine Bad Idea Bear ("Avenue Q"? Anyone? Anyone?), tells Danny Phantom to dump her and have lots of sex. Just like Stifler would be doing if he had a drop of charm or was moderately attractive. But Zephaniah tells him he might be giving up “something special” for a bunch of BS. Perhaps by “something special” he means “someone who’s had a lot of time and practice in building up antibodies for STDs.”
But Danny Phantom is still feeling ugly. He begs Melinda to stay in and have lots of sex, but she goes out and leaves him in the hot tub with a beer. And she’s thinking of him the whole time, I’m sure. MTV tries out some Brian de Palma split screen action, showing Danny Phantom in the hot tub and Melinda dancing with the girls – well, Brian de Palma without any artistic point, that is.
Hey! Dr. Shepler’s back! I'm still disappointed that he's not Dr. Red Duke. He’d never subject us to those vomit-inducing close-ups of Danny Phantom’s stitches coming out. After that’s done, Dr. Shepler tries his hand at double-entendre, telling Danny and Melinda that he needs to avoid contact sports. But the joke’s on him. Sex with Melinda is about as much of a challenging sport as bowling with those bumpers in the gutter.
Have you ever been in a public chatroom, and someone with no profile sends you a private message asking you to “cum see his/her Webcam?” Well, Jonah has met one of those chatroom bots in the flesh! He and Stifler go onto Skankazon.com to select the best-looking cheerleaders to go out with them that night. I don’t have the heart to tell them that the state of Texas has banned cheerleaders from acting sexy in public, punishable by a seat in Old Sparky.
The boys talk Danny Phantom into going out with the Debbie-Does-a-city-to-the-south-of-Dallas crew. The girls, meanwhile, decide to go out to a nice dinner. Melinda wears a slinky black dress that has the boys drooling and Danny Phantom rethinking his decision. Straight-Lacedy, meanwhile, wears a black dress that Laura Bush rejected because it didn’t show enough skin. Oh, and Johanna went out, too. There. Now she’s included in the summary. She bored me this week.
While we’re on commercial, can I mention how stupid "That 70’s House" looks, judging by the ads? First of all, there are hot people on that show. Nobody looked good in the 70s. Plus, do we really need another reference that makes us think of Ashton Kutcher?
When we come back, the girls are sipping martinis, and on the other side of town, Cheerleader Skank #6 slips her number to Danny Phantom and asks him to call her sometime. He doesn’t want to, however. Maybe it’s the egg carton-full of shots he’s taken, but he can’t think of anyone but her Melinda and has no interest in the cheerleading “floozy,” as he calls her. I’m so glad to see that his last drinking incident has made him wiser as far as moderation.
Beyond sloppy drunk, Danny Phantom makes his way home. Melinda is already there, threatening to go out and sleep with every guy she sees if he dares come home with another girl. But alas, at least alas for the slut-loving straight male community in Austin, he comes home alone and heads straight to the toilet. And may I say thank you, MTV, for cutting away before the puking begins.
Whoops. Spoke too soon. We’re back to the puking as Melinda stands over him.
The next morning, Danny Phantom has a killer hangover, and Stifler is proud. It means he did a good job of reintroducing him to the wild, he says. Yeah, if by “wild” you mean getting plastered yet still coming home alone. Oh,sorry. I forgot who we were talking about.
Danny Phantom and Stifler are still drunk on the way to work, which does not please Straight-Lacedy. She’s excited about this South by Southwest festival, wants to get the job done and keep people on track. Any more lip like that, young lady, and MTV will kick your butt off the show so fast… We close the work day with rude yawns by Danny Phantom, Stifler and Habbukuk as Woman-Whose-Name-I-Didn't-Pay-Attention-To is talking.
We end the episode with a very anti-climatic Valentine’s Day moment. Earlier in the show, Danny Phantom had set up at $99-per-couple dinner at Oasis for he and Melinda. But as they’re going out, Melinda decides she has to wash her hair. She’s never really had a Valentine’s Day date, you see. That would require a second phone cal. Besides, what a cheapskate. A nice meal should cost $99 per person.
Coming up next week, tragedy strikes over the phone. Danny Phantom weeps and wails and begs his father to tell him he’s lying because, obviously, somebody died. Probably his parakeet. At any rate, I’m glad I won’t be summarizing, because even I would feel a little guilty being snarky about a death -- especially since the Bible will somehow be involved. I’ll have to laugh, however, if the book is opened to one of the minor prophets.
A kyngsladye/IceCat masterpiece.