Night of the Living Dead.
I love live shows! So nitty. So gritty. You never know what will happen…
Like this week, Host Brian McFayden accidentally oversleeps and almost misses the show. When he rushes onto the set during the last few seconds of the opening music, he hasn’t even had time to comb his hair! He looks like he’s been sleeping in the back of his Chevy Caprice all week. He’s even wearing striped pajama tops under his a suit coat.
Anyway, this week’s show starts off a little differently. The guys are introduced and make their grand entrances one-by-one as the audience claps wildly. Hank, Dominic and Robert get the most applause.
Brian then introduces the seated “Guardian Angels”. He calls Laura a ‘Pit-bull in lip gloss’. Others have called her a rottweiler. What all these dog references mean is, yes, Laura is a bitch on wheels. Bitch, bitch, bitch. Stamped, certified, and never been spayed. However, she is wearing a low-cut pink slip dress & looks very hot. Kimberly is wearing a fussy, over-controlled and collared thing that sort of suits her sour-faced personality.
Then Lisa enters with her practiced swinging strut. I so want to hate this girl but she is just too darn likeable. She is wearing a pouffy little black skirt. Only truly skinny girls can wear stuff like that. You know, stuff that makes your hips look bigger. Laura would look like a cow in that skirt.
Next up are some tapes of the Cupid Bachelor House. Turns out the guys are all living together in a sort of boy harem when they are not actually dating Lisa. They wash dishes and dish about each other. Dominic thinks Robert should have been ditched last week, not Rob. Ken is just happy it wasn’t him. Robert says <garble>. Joe is happy—“One less guy to worry about.” Hank reveals that he has had a strategy all along, but he doesn’t share this strategy. Renda thinks voting guys off “sucks”. Whatever. On with the show.
The Broken Arrow.
Bye-bye to one scary guy.
Once again, all the guys are shown clutching little pink and red cupid arrows while host Brian calls forth the low vote getters. This time, there are three—Ken, Renda and Scott. That means—Holy Sh!t—Robert is getting a lot of votes! What is wrong with America? The poor guys get one last going over from the nasty Harpies Laura and Kimberly. Ken takes it well this time, announcing that he is a “regular” in the hot seat is okay with that. Renda seems surprised to be called out. Scott looks smug and perverted, like always.
Anyway, yada-yada-yada Scott is the one with the fewest votes so Brian breaks his little phallic-symbol arrow. Bye-bye Scott. America is happy to see you leave. We didn’t like you on Blind Date and we still don’t like you. So ta-ta and I hope the door hits you in the butt as you exit.
You know, this show would be so much more dramatic if they stuck the arrow through each losers head or something. Maybe shot him in the ass, I don’t know. Snapping it just seems so anticlimactic. They don’t even have good break-the-arrow music. Oh well….
Scott leaves. Check out Brian's hair!
This Week’s Date Theme Is…
Sleep deprivation!!! Brian explains that sleep deprivation will give Lisa a chance to see each guy with their guard down and their true character thus revealed. How Machiavellian is that? Each guy will be deprived of sleep for about 30 hours, then given $1,000 dollars and set loose in a ritzy shopping area with instructions to buy Lisa a complete outfit of clothes (including undies & shoes) suitable to wear for whatever date they have planned. Actually, I like this idea. Nothing is funnier than guys trying to shop for girls. And most fun of all, Lisa will actually have to wear each outfit on her date!
Ken’s Date. He’s a Bra Man.
Ken gets the first date. He is shown shopping with confidence, and says he has shopped for girls before. Yeah, right! The first item he chooses is a lovely hot-pink or strawberry red bra. (Okay, my TV has color adjustment issues—all I know for sure is that it is some very, very bright shade of pink.) He studies the bra tenderly before admitting to the camera that “ Oh heck, I’ll never get to see it, anyway.” Then he picks out a very low-cut black dress with crisscross straps on the low-cut back.
Ken has dinner reservations at a very swank, upscale looking restaurant. He is so hopeful! Pretty soon Lisa enters looking elegant, looking beautiful—well, except for the big pink bra which is barely covered by the little black dress and sticks out front, back and sideways! Bwahahaha!!! The audience roars with laughter. Ken moans and laughs in embarrassment. Such a funny moment, and yet—moms across America are thinking, “So? Teen-age girls dress exactly like this for High School! What’s the friggin’ big deal?”
Lisa excuses herself and removes the offending bra. She passes it across the dinner table to Ken, as a souvenir. He blushes and passes it right back to her. Minus the pink bra, Lisa’s dress fits well and looks quite lovely. Ken is happy because now that she is braless he can get a better view of her cleavage. They eat. They have fun. They talk about what they have in common. Yes, Ken actually talks to Lisa without thinking too hard. It’s the first time he has relaxed a bit in her presence.
Facing the Harpies
Amazingly, Laura approves of the sleep-deprived Ken. “You do better when you’re tired. You should pull all-nighters more often.” Ken looks stunned. Laura likes him!
Kimberly agrees. “You have a personality! It took you a few weeks, but you finally came through!” (See if I were Ken I would be ticked off by this insult disguised as a complement. But Ken has no personality so he accepts her words at face value.)
Evan’s Date. Why Does She Like Him?
Blonde volleyball coach Evan looks like a zombie as he shops. Evidently this guy needs his beauty sleep. First he gets bitchy because he thinks the salesgirl led him to the men’s pant department, even though he is in a women’s only store. He finally clues in when he sees the pants are all kind of silky, slinky, and come in size 0 and size 2.
He decides the best way to pick out panties might be to try them on himself, so right there in the ladies underwear aisle he slips a pair of lacy panties on over his own street pants! They look, well, stupid. And I fail to see what good this has done for him since anything that will slip over his street pants has got to be way too big for Lisa. Maybe he just likes wearing women’s panties? He finally finds a cute top and a bra, telling the long-suffering sales clerk that “If the bra sticks out, that’s okay.” See? This guy knows how girls really dress! He probably has the underwear preferences of every girl on his volleyball team memorized.
They go to some kind of Surfer Restaurant and laugh a lot. Lisa’s bra hangs out; Evan stares at her chest. They wind up slow dancing in the parking lot. Evan has this weird thing about kissing. It must be done under cover. So he pulls his buttoned shirt up around his face and invites Lisa to stick her head into the gaping hole and kiss him. I personally am freaked out and wonder what the heck he is hiding. Does he drool? Is he one of those guys who doesn’t ever close his eyes but just goes all funny and cross-eyed instead? Whatever, Lisa doesn’t think his hidden kiss fetish is weird at all. She sticks her head into the hole. Evan calls it an “Elvis kiss.” I never do figure out why.
Facing the Harpies
Yeah, the Harpies still don’t like him, because a Player is a Player is a Player. Lisa still thinks he’s ready to settle down if the right woman comes along. Why do so many women make this mistake?
Dominic’s Private Pajama Party
Dominic really wants to get Lisa into bed. So what does he buy but pajamas? He has a bit of trouble finding some in the fancy dress shop, but finally zeroes in a pair of extra-smalls that he likes, and some comfy flip flops. Then he rushes off to book a swanky hotel room with a balcony and a four-poster Queen Size bed.
Lisa shows up at the hotel wearing the chosen pajamas. The extra-smalls are so tight they barely cover her ass and look ready to pop. Dominic, also in his pajamas is very happy with how nice they fit. As they walk away from the camera we see for the first time that Lisa’s pajama bottoms have a large butterfly print covering her entire butt—one wing on each butt cheek and the butterfly’s body right on her butt crack! The first two dates (Ken & Evan) were obvious boob men. Dominic seems fixated a little lower. Butterfly butt! I love it!
Dominic takes Lisa out on the balcony to admire the City view, plies her with liquor (again!) and they wind up rolling around on the hotel bed together. Lisa seems just a tad bit stiff in bed—probably because her pants are so tight she can’t bend at the knee.
Facing the Harpies
Dominic’s date reminds Laura or her own Prom date , and the cheap hotel room to which she got trucked, plucked and f…. Oops. Excuse me, I got carried away. Anyway, Laura thinks Dominic is still too young. Dominic ages fast as he listens to her drone on and on about his poor prospects as a match for Lisa.
Kimberly lays into him too. Last week you got her drunk. This week you took her to a hotel room. What are you going to do on a third date?” (Pffff--Three guesses, Kim!)
Lisa simpers at Dominic—she knows what comes next! Laura knows what comes next! Hell, we all do!
Paul Plays Along.
Playwright professor Paul is totally zonked as he wanders aimlessly in search of an outfit for Lisa. He sorts through piles of bustiers and panties before finally settling on an ultra-short mini-skirt that Lisa should never sit down in. I mean, really! Paul thinks Lisa has “amazing legs” and wants her to show them off.
When Lisa shows up at (yes) yet another swanky restaurant, Paul declares that she looks “ravishing”. Lisa is grateful for the generous white tablecloth and scoots right under it so we can’t see the teeny tiny thong Paul picked for her panties.
Neither Lisa nor Paul can figure out what to order. Lisa suggests they play the ‘Elimination Game’. Uhhh… This girl must really like elimination games. In the Elimination Game, each person gets to eliminate one item from the menu until only one remains—which is what they must eat. This sounds to me like a way to ensure that neither gets what they really want, and they settle on something fairly bland and un-offensive. Kind of like what is going to happen to Lisa on the last day of Cupid. But I digress….
Anyway, they don’t get fish because it’s fishy, chicken because it’s too cheap & Lisa is a high-priced, high-maintenance kind of girl. They don’t get ham because Lisa doesn’t like hams. I forget what they wound up with. Steaks, I think, because Lisa does like a big hunk of meat.
Lisa tells Paul she likes him.
Paul says “I can feel something happening!” Then he blushes and adjusts his pants front. Such a romantic date.
Paul Faces the Harpies.
Laura glares. “You’re here to promote your career!”
Kimberly: “I just don’t feel the chemistry between you and Lisa.”
Paul retorts that if he wanted to promote his career he would just go and promote it. (Note—this comment is not to be construed as a promotion of Paul’s career. Paul does not promote his career or his up-coming play that he keeps mentioning to Lisa and which he is also not promoting.)
Renda’s Wretched Date.
Renda has decided that this date is designed to help the Cupid guys “get in touch with their feminine side.” So he touches and fondles a whole bunch of underwear and even dances with a slip dress before finally picking up a headless store mannequin, taking it to the counter, and saying he wants “one just like this.” If you’re Lisa this might be a scary thought—being headless, I mean. On the other hand, if the dress is on a store mannequin it is probably a wearable choice.
For his date, Renda takes Lisa to an earthy, munchy-crunchy granola type place. You know, self-conscious health food choices. Lisa is very tactful: “I always know a date with you will be totally different and cool,.” She says. They eat crunchy granola stuff while Renda confesses to being “left of center” and asks Lisa to carry the conversation because he is so tired he can barely chew his granola. I think the date looks dull as dirt, and that Renda is 'north of nowhere', but Lisa thinks they have a great time. This girl needs a serious reality check.!
Renda Faces the Harpies
Laura has one good line. “Honey, I thought you were going to take her for a colonic after lunch!” (Man, I’d hate to be the camera guy on that date!)
Kimberly offers to hook Renda up with a couple of her friends. Lisa glares at her.
Robert’s Date. Oh, For Crying Out Loud!
Please imagine an Austrian, Ahhnold accent here. Any way I try to type this accent just looks stupid.
In the best of times, fitness model Robert is not fully involved in Reality. When sleep deprived, Robert is completely immersed in LaLa Land. Of course he lives in L.A. so what could be more natural?
Robert decides he is an excellent fashion designer and sashays around the store confidently. He sticks his fists into the cups of a lacey bra, with his thumbs pointing out, and waggles it around as he explains to a disbelieving sales person, “This is pretty much what her chest area looks like!” He shags a perfume sampler spray on his way to check out the panties. He sprays the crotch of his chosen panties with the perfume then raises them to his face with both hands and inhales deeply. “Ahhhh!” It is good to be a Fashion Designer!
Back in the studio, the audience roars in laughter and disgust. I gag and vomit. This guy is seriously perverted!
The sales person picks up a phone and dials security. Doesn’t Robert know there is a special code number sales people can use when some guy starts sniffing panties? My girlfriend used to work in Victoria’s Secret, and I know this for a fact. Remember ladies—always wash new panties before you first wear them. They may have been fondled and sniffed by pervs like Robert!
Robert finally picks a short, slinky yellow dress to go with his underwear selection, and matches it with shiny, mirrored shoes. Oh yeah—the dress had funny looking, ribbonned sashy things at the waist and hemline.
As always, Lisa arrives at the date wearing the chosen clothes. She tells Robert his outfit for her is “very unique!” Robert bends over to look at her feet, and the mirrored shoes. “Look,” he says, “I can see your panties!” He moves his head back and forth. “Now I see them from the left. Now I see them from the right. Now the left! Now the right! The left!!! The right!!!” Lisa gets embarrassed and tells Robert “You can never have too many mirrors on your shoes.” Robert, clueless idiot, smiles in agreement.
They sit down in some restaurant that refused to sign the waiver so it could actually be shown on TV as part of Robert’s date. For some inexplicable reason, Robert bursts into tears and spends the rest of his date sobbing pathetically. Perhaps he is going for the audience sympathy vote here? Who knows! Lisa is freaked out & tries to console him, but the sobbing Austrian just can’t turn off the waterworks.
Robert Faces the Harpies
Finally! Meat for the happy harpies!
Laura: “Come on, Robert, you sniffed the panties!?! What’s up with the tears? Either you need serious medication or you’re totally desperate!”
Kimberly: “Mirrored shoes with a short little dress? What were you thinking here, Robert?”
Robert tries to explain himself. He cried because Lisa reminds him of his family and he misses them so much. This makes no sense to anyone but Robert and the mirrored-shoe wearing clans of Austria, I guess.
Hank’s Date, or, How to Eat Tongue.
Hank is quite bleary-eyed as he shops for an outfit. He seems confused by so many choices and the sizes available. At one point he pulls out a cute little number, checks the tag and exclaims “Size zero? How can you have a size zero?” He finally picks a black dress because that seems like a safe color choice and because he is taking Lisa to a pretty fancy place.
When Lisa arrives, the dress seems a bit large and too long, but looks acceptable. Hank wears a black suit and comments that they match pretty well.
Hank and Lisa always have a good time, although it is hard to put your finger on why that is. They just chat well together, I guess, and talk about themselves and their families quite easily. Hank reveals to Lisa that he loves to eat tongue. See, if Robert said that it would be gross, but for Hank it is cute. Lisa says tongue was her mother’s favorite dish too.
At one point, Lisa leans over and kisses him. He kisses her back, but in a gentlemanly sort of way. No tongue. The audience howls—finally a Hank/Lisa kiss!
Hank Faces the Harpies
Laura: “All that talk about ‘tongue’ and that was your kiss!?! Slip the girl a little tongue, man! Just stick it down her throat!” (Okay, she didn’t really say the last two sentences—but they were implied!)
Kimberly: “Hank you’re so shy and it’s so refreshing!” She also told him he was a great looking guy, but didn’t even know it, and that he looked really hot in a suit.
Lisa assures her two friends that the camera didn’t see everything about their kiss, and that there was “no problem” with passion in their kisses.
Joe’s Date. The Bridges of Los Angeles County
Joe looks exhausted by his sleep deprivation, but he doesn’t wander aimlessly like some other guys have done. He commandeers a helpful sales clerk and gets an outfit picked out quite efficiently, if impatiently. He comments that he is starting to get “pis__ed off” (CBS bleeps the word) when he can’t find everything he wants.
For his date, Joe plans a romantic journey by gondola through the canals of Venice, California. He has planned this trip because there is a long standing tradition of kissing your girl as you pass under each bridge. I tell ya, that Joe knows how to get things done!
After the first bridge, and the first kiss, Joe asks the gondolier, “We’re going under a bunch of bridges, right?” They both laugh, and Joe does kiss her under a few more bridges, but not every bridge. Joe is no fool; it’s better to keep ‘em guessing sometimes! They chat about this and that, and as always wind up talking about their own future family and the kids they will have—stuff like that.
Joe Faces the Harpies
Laura and Kimberly both like Joe. A lot.
Laura: “Joe, you had me when you popped open the Cristal!” (Umm, Laura? Joe doesn’t want you, girl. This is all about Lisa, remember?)
Kimberly: “Joe, I’m a big fan of yours, but I think you may have a bit of a short fuse.”
Joe appeals to the Harpies, the audience and all of America, saying that he wants to “take this girl on my Honeymoon to Venice and on a real gondola ride. Help me out!”
Back to Brian McFayden
He’s the Host, remember? And yeah, he still hasn’t combed his hair. What is with this guy?
Brian explains the whole voting thing again, yada yada yada. In case some people are still confused how it works—I will explain it in short words:
Do not vote for the guy you want tossed!
Vote for the guy(s) you want to win Lisa’s hand!
If you vote for the guy(s) you want tossed, he will win!
Brian asked the Harpies for their choices of who to boot.
Laura: “Robert! He’s annoying! He’s a phony! You’ll never make it for governor, Robert!” Okay, Laura has lost her mind and injected political commentary into a reality
TV show. Doesn’t she know politics is not real?
Kimberly: “Dominic! He’s a great guy, but he’s just not ready for marriage!”
Brian addresses the audience: “How many people want to see Laura and Kimberly leave!?!” Massive cheers and clapping erupt. In fact the “Dump Laura & Kimberly” sentiment is so intense that Brian can no longer make himself heard and is unable to ask the Cupid bachelors who they think should be voted off next.
Tune in next Tuesday, and see what America has decided.
*Tags Schnookie* *You’re it!*