LAST EDITED ON 08-01-03 AT 05:10 PM (EST)

Cupid, Rhymes with Stupid.

What the heck happened to Cupid? This show is going downhill fast!

I turned on my TV set last night and I thought The Price Is Right was on! I mean, there was a garish, multi-colored set with bad lighting and cheap plyboard stairs. There were red, heart-shaped wall sconces with flaming torches in them. Worst of all, there was a studio audience of about 1,000 utter maniacs who all stood up and cheered on cue. I swear I heard someone yell “Come on down! Come on down”! (It sounded like Robert A.)

CBS went and changed their nice, intimate 'Getting to Know You' thing into a format game show. I am so disappointed. I would have turned it off, but I promised to do this summary. So, here we go…

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Host Brian “Not Ready for Prime Time” McFayden walks onto the Stupid—excuse me—Cupid set and briefly explains the show so far. In the first 2 episodes Lisa Shannon, a lovely 25-year-old single air-head from Detroit interviewed every geek and freak willing to stand in line for a chance at her. Her two “best” friends” helped her by intimidating, insulting and occasionally throwing things at the hapless suitors. Eventually they found about 20 guys who actually seemed decent, took them to L.A. and whittled them down to a Top Ten. Now back to Brian.

Brian “Not Ready for Prime Time” McFayden explains that it is now up to us, the TV viewers of America to decide which of these ten guys Lisa winds up with. We get to vote one guy off each week, until there is only one man standing. If Lisa likes him, they get married right then and there on the show. If they stay married for a year they get a million dollars. Brian keeps calling it Lisa’s Million Dollar Dowery!!!

The camera pans over the ten guys, seated stage left on comfy bar stools. “It’s up to you,” Brian intones, “to spot the guys who are the real deal or who may just be in it for their fifteen minutes of fame.”

Lisa is so screwed. These guys are the biggest bunch of self-involved media whores I’ve ever seen. Well, maybe one or two are okay.

Brian introduces Lisa’s “two best friends, and Guardian Angels—Laura and Kimberly.” Buahaha!. Guardian Angels my asterisk! These two are man-eating Harpies, straight from Greek Mythology. Laura Restum is the Hairdresser Harpy. She will peck a guy’s eyes out while simultaneously demasculating him. Scarey. Kimberly Tarter is the other Harpy. She has the straightest, flattest hair I’ve ever scene and looks like an English tart. She & Laura have a love-hate thing going. They love Lisa but sort of hate each other by now. These two are seated with their backs to the studio audience, facing McFayden and the Suitors

Brian then introduces Lisa, who walks onstage with cutest little swinging sexy strut I’ve ever seen! She is wearing a short, dark skirt with a handkerchief hemline to show off her shapely legs. She is gorgeous. And modest. And sweet. Who wouldn’t want a beauty like her for their girl friend, wife, best friend or daughter? I’d marry her myself if I could. I don’t think my current husband would mind one bit. Lovely Lisa sits down between the Harpies and the Show begins in earnest.

Brian explains the format. Each potential mate was sent into the streets of L.A. to hustle up as much money as he could within 2 hours. Using only this money he must organize a fun date for Lisa and himself. Hustling, according to Brian, will showcase each guy’s creativity and resourcefulness. My mom always told me to avoid hustlers, but I guess in America of 2003 hustling is a sign of creativity and resourcefulness. Or maybe just in L.A.—I dunno.

First we will see footage of the hustle and the date. Then, as the house lights go down and a spotlight shines on the Harpies and whichever guy just had the date, we will have Lisa’s best friends Laura and Kimberly offer their observations on the date. I like that word, ‘observations’. You know it’s going to be a shooting gallery!

Anyway, here are the dates:

Date # 1 Renda

Renda. Age 24, Poet/Street Hustler from Queens NY.

”Hor-renda the Great”

Renda, a hustler by profession, may have an unfair advantage here. He chooses to don a huge Afro wig and a striped referee’s shirt and hit the streets as Renda the Afro-Headed Poet. He makes stupid rhymes and dances haphazardly while begging for money. Amazingly, he earns $47.24. The streets really are full of suckers!

With this money he decides to buy Lisa her own Afro wig and referee shirt. Then they both walk around looking stupid while eating street-vendor hot dogs! I think this was just his revenge on Lisa for making him shave off his dumb little goat beard in last week’s make-over episode. He shows Lisa his poetry and she tells him he has nice handwriting. (Not a word about the actual poetry, mind you, just “nice hand-writing”. A dis if I ever saw one.)

In loving gratitude for this meager complement, Renda leans over, grabs Lisa’s face, puts his lips on her cheek and gives her a loud, wet Bronx cheer or raspberry kiss, or whatever. He calls it a “Zerbert” {“Zherbert?”}. Did I mention he is eating a hotdog while he zerberts her? What a lovely move. I know I am always thrilled when a first date blows slobber & ketchup onto my face!

Renda’s Judgement This is the segment where they dim the house lights and the two Harpies, Laura and Kimberly, get to insult the guys to their face. Each guy gets to make one last plea for himself, and Lovely Lisa gets the final word.

Laura, with flaming eyes and a nasty sneer: “You’re a professional hustler and all you could make was 40 bucks? Then you spend it on wigs and hot dogs? Loser! You should be outta here!”

Kimberly seems a bit embarrassed by Laura’s venom: “I hope to see you next week, she says mildly.”

Hor-renda: “I was just trying to have fun. First dates should be fun.”

Lisa agreed they had had ‘fun’. When the audience cheered him, Hor-renda smilled and waved like a pro. I think this guy like the limelight just a little bit too much.

Date #2 Ken

Ken, age 28, Options Trader from Chicago

Plastic Man

Ken is aptly named. He looks just like the Ken Doll that is Barbie’s chosen mate. He has one facial expression—bland. He looks nice, but kind of stiff. Like maybe the doll makers forgot to give him knee joints?

Ken has chosen to fold red paper napkins into roses and try to sell them on the street. They are stupid looking, but he is tall & handsome so he nets an amazing $86.28 plus one Euro. I consider having my daughter drop out of college and sell paper roses on the street. Crap! That’s more than $40 per hour, tax free!

For his romantic date, Ken treats Lisa to a private tour of some winery where a short, chubby tour guide prattles on and on endlessly about casks and temps and fruity tastes while Lisa tries to look interested. Silly Ken! The only reason people go on those wine tours is to get out of the sun and score as many free samples as possible. Fake a stomach ache and get the hell out! But no… Ken and Lisa are in for the long haul.

Once the endless tour is over, Ken takes Lisa to dinner in a deserted restaurant. They are the only customers. Ken, Ken… when a restaurant has no customers it is usually because they are closed, crappy or infested. Possibly all three.

As they start to eat, Ken inexplicably abandons Lisa at the table and goes in search of napkins. What is it with this guy and his napkin fetish? He brings Lisa 3 or 4 nice, fresh linen napkins and even puts one onto her lap for her. How chivalrous! Once they have plenty of napkins, Ken tells Lisa all about his pointless childhood growing up on a farm somewhere. Lisa pokes herself with the fork to stay awake. I go get a snack from the kitchen, and no napkin! Take that, Ken!

Ken’s Judgement

Laura: “Lisa made a mistake when she chose you as one of the ten. You’re boring. The date was boring. Lisa looked bored to death.” Then she gave him the real zinger… “all the wine in that winery would not make you interesting.” Translation: ‘Even if I were drunk as a skunk, I wouldn’t do you.’ Poor Ken.

Kimberly: yawns You’re boring. Go away.”

Ken: (He said something, I think, but it was too boring to remember.)

Lisa: “Don’t’ try so hard on our next date, and maybe the conversation will flow better.”

Date #3 Hank

Hank, age 25, Options Trader from Chicago

Look, Ma… A Nice Guy!

Hank decides to raise money by impersonating George Bush. Not the W. one, the first one. You know, the old guy. Hank is not very good, but he is just so darn nice and sincere people give him money anyway. Hank earns $60.38 and decides on a picnic date.

He gets a blanket to spread, some cheese, Proscuito, and nice glasses for his bottle of wine. Lisa thinks it is “a very impressive spread” then tells him that she will “eat anything”. Hank, nice guy that he is, does not take advantage of this last comment. They talk and laugh and have a good time. At the end of the date, Lisa presents herself for a kiss, but shy guy Hank geeks out and hugs her instead. Lisa whispers into his ear “I don’t want to leave you!” So Hank lets her leave unkissed, then laments to the camera that “I am dying to kiss her, but I’m the biggest geek in the world.”

Hank’s Judgement

Laura: “I’m falling for you more and more. I think Lisa is too.”

Kimberly: “Not an original date, but you could have taken her anywhere and had a good time. Lisa appreciated that you are a gentleman and didn’t push to kiss her. I hope you stick around.”

The audience bursts into applause while Hank looks modest. My God! The Harpies actually like someone!

Hank: “I really don’t deserve the complements. I just really want to get to know Lisa.”

Lisa: “I’m so smitten with you, Hank! I’m looking forward to our first kiss so much! Keep him around, America.” More cheers from the audience.

Date #4 Evan

Evan, age 25, Volleyball coach from L.A.

Gone Evan-tually Evan. The Sooner the Better.

The other suitors were smart enough to take their street hustle act to a busy street corner, where people with actual money in their pockets were passing by. For some reason, Evan decides to hustle people in a deserted playground. He offers to break dance, but he can’t actually break dance at all. He tries to spin his body around on a rubber mat on the concrete playground. How stupid is that? When he can’t get moving (of course—duh!) he asks someone to grab his leg and spin him. People look at him as though he is crazy. A good assessment in my opinion. He then puts a red boxing glove on his right hand and simultaneously punches himself in the head while failing at break dancing. Need less to say, he doesn’t get much money.. $9.00

Since he has no money, his date options are fairly limited. Luckily, L.A. is full of free public beaches, so they go to one. I think he had just enough money to buy something to eat and drink, but I forget what. Anyway, he set Lisa to building a dream house for them out of sand, while he dug a Jacuzzi for her since he couldn’t afford to buy one. Of course, the Jacuzzi pit turned out to be just a big old hole to bury Lisa in! Smart move, Evan. Get sand inside her shorts—that’s really comfortable! Amazingly, Lisa likes it! Or him, whatever. They stay on into the evening. Lisa wiped the sand from her face by rubbing her lips across his chest (Ken has acquired all the napkins in L.A. so she had to improvise.) Evan puts a towel over her head to subdue her and then they kiss, I guess. It was hard to tell with that towel over both their heads.

Evan’s Judgement

(Remember, this is the dude who offended both Harpies last week when he asked them each to sit on his lap. He knows they don’t like him)

Laura: “Looks like you had a good time. Maybe I was wrong about you being a jerk. Keep him around, America. I’m dying to see what happens to them in date number two!”

Kimberly: “I don’t trust you as far as I can throw you! I think you’re a womanizer and a player, and just wanted to see how far you could get with her. You don’t really like her and I really don’t like you!”

Evan: with his mouth dropping open “Do you want me to just lay down here and you can start kicking me? You’ve hated me from the beginning and you’re out to get me!”

Lisa: “We had a great time. I’d like to see him again.”

Date #5 Joe

Joe, age 25, Real Estate Developer, Elmwood Park Il

An Average Joe

Joe is an average guy. Average good looks, average lines, average moves. The kind of guy you go out with an average of 3x before you dump him for being so average.

For his date, Joe decides to raise money by selling hugs. Here’s the deal, some people like hugs from strangers; some don’t. One woman he runs up to whacks him with her purse, in a Ruth Buzzi kind of way. But a surprising number agree to this hug-for-money scheme. Joe earns $51.00.

For his date, he takes Lisa in for a pedicure. While there is a professional pedicurist there, Joe also gets in some quality time rubbing Lisa’s feet himself. Hmmmm. A possible foot fetish guy? Maybe something not so average about Joe?

Lisa thinks this date is “What marriage is about for me.” Huh?

After blowing $40 bucks or so on the pedicure, Joe treats Lisa to an expensive, bigger than average pizza. Man, that pizza would have fed four hungry teenagers! So Joe cheats. He dips into his wallet and pulls out a couple of $20. Of course, the average guy cheats now and then so I guess I’m not surprised.

Joe’s Judgement

Laura: “At least you didn’t’ spend the money on a wig!” glares at Renda She wasn’t bothered by the dishonesty at all.

Kimberly: “Lisa thinks honesty is the most important virtue in a man! You cheated her, and you cheated these other 9 sitting over there. But I do like you so I hope you stay around.”

Joe: to Lisa “If I did spend a little more than I should of on the girl of my dreams, then crucify me. Because this girl, she’s a priceless gem.” See what I mean about average lines? But the audience loved it and gave him louder than average applause.

Lisa: “I loved that the date was all about me, but just remember how important honesty is to me next time.”

Date # 6. Scott

Scott, age 31, Corporate Strategist, New York NY

Beam Me Up, Beat Me Up Scottie-

To raise money for his date, Scott decides to let people beat him up for money. Wait—that’s not as bad as it sounds. They were supposed to use long yellow foam tubes, like the ones they sell for water play, not sticks and stuff. Of course, one woman doesn’t’ figure that out and side kicks him in the crotch with her bare foot, but apart from that his scheme works fairly well. Evidently the streets of L.A. are full of people willing to beat up other people. Scott spends his 2 hours getting thoroughly whacked, and earns $61.00. I think that works out to ten cents per bruise.

While waiting for Lisa to arrive for his date, Scott had joked to the camera that he expected to “reach second base” with Lisa. Oops! Bad move, Scottie—Lisa is going to see that clip you know!

They have dinner at a Mexican restaurant, with Scott talking on about what a nerd he had been while growing up. Lisa seems to have a fun time and he kisses up to her big time. Which does seem to be her idea of a perfect date, so maybe Mr. Corporate Strategist has come up with a winning strategy. I thought he was a dork. So did the studio audience and the Harpies.

Scott’s Judgement

Laura: “You know, I can see you walking down the aisle, but as best man, not the groom!” Poor Scott looked crushed. Then she gave him the kiss of doom, “You’ll always be just the best friend.” “You can laugh someone into bed, but how can you keep them there?”

Kimberly: “You’re a gentleman and I really, really like you.”

Scott: “Lisa has said that her future husband should be her best friend, and I can be that friend.”

Lisa: “You’re a nice, sweet, funny guy and I would like to get to know you better.”

Date #7 Robert A.

Robert A., age 33, Fitness Model, L.A.

The Termidater

Robert is from Austria and he is blonde. He talks kind of like Arnold Schwartzneger and from this has concluded that he has a (a) personality, (b) talent and (c)that girls can’t get anough of him. Wrongo! Arnold is the Terminator; this is a guy not worth dating more than once—thus, a Termidater.

Robert hatches the brilliant plan of laying on the street in shorts and a black hooded sweater, pretending to be dead. Beside him is a bucket and a sign ‘Please help pay for my funeral’. He is about as healthy looking as a guy can get, so—no takers on that scam.

Robert then switches to a new plan. Flexing his muscles and looking good, along with slapping his own ass to show how firm & nice it is. Evidently, in L.A. women will give money to men who flex their pecs in the street and beg. The Termidater makes $40.25.

Since he is neither creative nor resourceful, Robert decides to take Lisa across the street to the Santa Monica Pier, which seems to be a typical amusement park. They walk around and get on a few rides. Robert has nothing to say. Lisa keeps trying not to yawn, then gives up and yawns away. Robert is oblivious and concentrates on the one thing he knows—looking good. When the date is over, Lisa practically sprints away, while clueless Robert declares “I love her! I really, really love her! This is the beginning!”

Robert A.’s Judgement

Laura: “I despise you. I totally despise you! I have from the beginning. Lisa couldn’t even bear to look at you. She was bored to death!”

Kimberly: “I just wanted to save her from you. America, please send this man home!”

Robert then garbles something about Lisa finding Mr. Right and maybe it was him and maybe not but Lisa should find Mr. Right for herself and maybe it will be him after all. I was too busy staring at his freaky self-absorbed facial expression to actually try & understand his attempt at reason. Sorry.

Lisa: “You say you love me, but I think you are just into physical appearance. If we go out again we need to actually talk.”

Date #8 Dominic

Dominic, age 22, recent college grad & bartender from Chicago

A Date with Skippy

Dominic sets up a massage chair on the boardwalk in his attempt to raise money. He has quite a few takers, including one man who tells him the massage “was better than sex”! Also, another man wants to massage Dominic himself. Clueless Dominic happily sits in the chair while this guy rubs him suggestively. At the end of his 2 hours, Dominic has $68.22.

For their date, they go to the Zoo. They have a good time looking at the animals and chatting. Dominic seems abnormally excited to see the giraffes; I never did figure out why. At one point during their tour, he spontaneously starts skipping! You don’t see a grow man skip every day—I guess he was feeling really, really good! They walk with their arms around each other a lot and seem to really connect.

Dominic’s Judgement

Laura: “I think you’re sweet and Lisa is attracted to you. I mean everybody is attracted to you!” The audience cheers and claps wildly. “I hope America keeps you around, because next week I want to see the man behind the boy.”

Kimberly: “I don’t like to see 22-year olds get married. I think you are too young.”

Dominic: “Maturity isn’t always measured by age.”

Lisa: simpering just a little “You’re definitely a man’s man!”

Date # 9 Rob

Rob, age 31, Uniform Sales Rep from Hermosa Beach, CA

Sing it, Pava-Robby!

For his date, Rob tries to earn money by singing opera in the streets of L.A. He is no Pavaroti, but he does his best. When opera doesn’t quite cut it, he turns out to have some pretty good dance moves and really knows how to shake his booty. He rakes in $95.43—the biggest take of all Lisa’s guys.

He asks Lisa out to dinner, sushi I think, because he wants to treat her like a Princess. He talks about his family, and how much he loves his Grandma.. Then they belly up to the bar and he plies her with drinkie after drinkie. I guess getting women drunk is Standard Dating Proceedure for Pava-Robby. Fortunately, they run out of money and nobody actually gets too blotto. But there is not enough money for a mininmal tip. The bartender looks pissed but since cameras are rolling he lets it go.

Rob’s Judgement

Laura: “I think you are just a little too impressed with yourself! I don’t think you will bore Lisa to death, but I think you will exhaust her to death!”

Kimberly: “You should have paid attention to what you were spending and not stiffed the bartender.”

Rob: “I just lost track. I should have tipped him better. But I can’t wait for another date with Lisa.”

Lisa backed Rob up and said they had so many drinks, they just lost track of what they were spending.
Hmmmm.

Date #10 Paul

Paul, age 32, Playwright/Professor from New York, NY

The Passionate-Minded Professor

Paul has a guitar. He makes himself a little sign saying ‘Below Average Music Guy’ and plays below average tunes for passers-by. Amazingly, he scores $43.08, to which he says “son of a bitch!”

For the date, Paul takes Lisa to the park for a picnic. They toast each other’s beauty. He sings a song he wrote just for Lisa. He tries out all his best lines. I think Prof. Paul has scored a few coeds in his time, because he seems to know just what Lisa wants to hear. For her part, Lisa can’t wait to lean in for a kiss. One line he uses, which Harpy Laura will react to is this: “I like you a lot. And I kind of don’t like the fact that I like you so much.” Deep, huh?

Paul’s Judgement

Laura: looking at Lisa “I can’t believe you fell for that cheesy line! I’ll bet he’s used it a million times! No way!”

Kimberly: “You seem more concerned with being cool and promoting yourself than in winning Lisa’s heart. You’re a phony. And I’ll let you in on a little secret—Lisa hates to be sung to!”

Paul: in a very smooth little speech “I appreciate your honesty and I know you want the best for your friend, but I was truly inspired by Lisa.”

Lisa: “I had the best time! I can’t wait to see you again!”

Now that all the dates have been revealed, host Brian turns to the gallery of suitors and asks each man to write down the name of the one person they believe no one in America will vote for…

Robert A.
Robert A.
Robert A.
Robert A.
Robert A.
Robert A.
Robert A.
Evan votes for Scott and Robert A. himself votes for Paul.

Robert A. looks both embarrassed and pleased to be recognized. “I feel honored” he says. I think the A. in Robert A.’s name must stand for asshole. I really hate this guy.

The Harpies get one last vote too. Laura goes with the majority and names Robert A. Kimberly names Ken, because he was so boring.

Boring host Brian McFayden then tells people that it is time to vote for the guy they think is right for Lisa. He gives a long list of number, with a separate number for each guy. He also gives people the option of voting via AT&T wireless text-messaging and explains how to do that.

The nine guys with the most votes will get a second date with Lisa. The one guy with the fewest votes will be dumped live on national television in episode 5 next week.

Brian says voting will remain open for “at least” 2 hours after the show ends—I guess that means until 2 hours after it is finished showing in California. No, wait—in Hawaii? Who knows. I’m CST myself.

Want to hear my predictions? Robert A. is in the show for a few more episodes, since every misogynist in America, and every guy who has ever been dumped or slighted by a good-looking babe will vote him in just to make Lisa suffer. I figure Ken is gone, because he was so darn boring. Nothing redeems boring.

Next week, Cupid is on Tuesdays at 9 pm ET/PT. Which is 8 pm in CT. Who knows when it’s on in Hawaii.

Thank you to Schookie for the name "Termidater" for Robert A.