Ladies and gents, step right up. Come experience Cupid’s Sideshow Extravaganza.
The host of this freak show is Spike McFayden. Yeah, I know his name is Brian, but I'm going to call him Spike because of his hair. Is it just me or was Spike wearing the same gray pinstripe jacket that he wore last week? Anyway, Spike introduces the six sideshow freaks, then brings out the lovely Lisa (Lips) Shannon and sends her to the Kissing Booth to await her fate.
Spike then introduces us to the Sideshow critics Bitchy & Scratchy.
Somebody please get Scratchy a fashion advisor. Her taste in clothes is awful. However, if someone is actually being paid to choose her outfits for the show, then that person should be fired. Oh yeah, can somebody also pull out whatever is stuck up her butt so we can see her loosen up a bit?
THE HOUSE OF HO(RROR)’S
Hey, let's go visit the House of Ho(rror)'s. We see poor Hank being teased about him telling Lisa that he wanted to take off her clothes and make love to her. Okay, show of hands, how many of you wanted to see that scenario played out
Anyhoo, there was some other chatter going on, but I didn’t get it all because I was too busy with my Hank fantasy. (I really should tape these shows, and I would, if I could figure out the VCR). The one important thing I caught from the conversations was that little Renda has revealed his true colors. He says that they aren’t there just for Lisa (like that’s a surprise to us). He then says that the real question is not how ready they are for Lisa, but whether Lisa is ready to marry one of them. HUH? Renda, Renda, Renda. Just when I was starting to like you. Okay, show of hands. Who thinks Renda will be waving bye-bye next week?
Ok it’s back to the Sideshow Extravaganza to see who gets the boot. The three freaks with the lowest scores stand up next to Spike. Dominic, Joe and Renda. Spike tells Renda he can go sit down as he is safe this week. It’s now down to Dom & Joe. We turn to the critic’s panel to get their opinion and see that Bitchy & Scratchy are having quite a tiff.
Poor Joe, he got in the way, and now lies on the ground bleeding. He tells Lisa that Evan is the best guy there and pleads for America to give his votes to Evan. He then says that when Lisa and Evan are married, they can double date with him and Bitchy. Jeez Joe. Couldn't you have waited until the show was over to move onto Bitchy? We then see Bitchy gleefully eyeing the wad (of cash) in Joe's pants. Bye-Bye Joe!
THE FREAKY COOK-OFF
Alright folks, it’s time for what you’ve all been waiting for. The freaks must play host to Lisa, her family and Bitchy & Scratchy. If they are successful, they will move on to the Kissing Booth with Lisa. Ok, who am I kidding. Even if they are unsuccessful, they’ll still get some lip action from Lisa Lips.
DATE #1 – EVAN (Sideshow Character: Charlie)
Evan’s plan was to make chicken fajitas. He called his dinner a mixture of Mexican and Hawaiian because he handed out lais. We get our first clue that Evan isn’t so good in the cooking department when we see the outdoor bbq go up in flames. The date was doomed from the beginning because Evan kept calling it a disaster and claiming it could turn out to be the worst experience of his life. Lisa’s father offered to help out and ended up doing most of the cooking. Now, all I saw was Mr. Shannon ask one question of Evan … whether he really feels he is ready to get married. Evan says yes, if he met the right girl. Mr. Shannon later says he liked Evan. He has an open and honest personality. How did he get all that from one question? Lisa’s brother, Brian, was a big surprise to me. He has several piercings on his face. Hmmmmmmm maybe he’d be interested in joining the Sideshow Freak Extravaganza. Anyway, Brian doesn’t like Evan and wants to expose him because he thinks he’s a fake (ala karate and ice-skating). Lisa’s mother wasn’t sure that Evan is really ready for the commitment of marriage. After the guests leave (except Lisa), Evan tells her that the date was a disaster. She placates him by taking him into the Kissing Booth for some nice smooch time. He whispers into her ear, “I could kiss you all night.”
Bitchy: “Yeah, it was a disaster”. She then calls him a whiny little kid.
Scratchy agrees, saying he acted like a child with no maturity.
Evan: He agrees and apologizes to everyone for the way he acted.
Lisa: She says it was endearing that he was so nervous. Tells him he has a gift of making lemonade out of lemons, “and that’s the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with.” Hmmmmmmmmmmmm Could this be Lisa's way of saying he’s the one?????
My comments: I didn’t really notice that he was acting whiney. (I must have still been having my Hank fantasy). Evan did seem frustrated but I could understand that. Not only was he meeting her family for the first time, he had to cook. Anyway, here's a couple of pacifiers for ya Evan. Now go to your room and stop acting like a baby.
Did anyone besides me notice Evan’s mouth as he was standing next to Spike at the end of the date? He kept opening his mouth slightly. The first and second time he did it, I thought maybe his mouth was dry and he’s lubricating it but he kept doing it, over and over and over again. It suddenly occurred to me that he looked like a ventriloquist’s dummy with his mouth being worked open and shut. Now, because of that, and because many people have claimed Evan is fake, I realize who Evan really is. He’s Charlie, the ventriloquist dummy.
DATE #2 – RENDA (Sideshow Character: Sideshow Renda)
Renda decided to offer custom-made salads as his meal, which turned out to be a good idea. Poor Renda was really sweating it out though. Did you notice him dabbing his forehead with his napkin? Renda then starts asking Mr. Shannon about his job. As soon as he hears that he runs his own advertising firm, Renda offers to go get his resume. He then starts babbling away saying that having a college degree and a street degree gives him the best of all worlds. Mr. & Mrs. Shannon liked Renda’s “serious side”. HUH? After dinner, with Lisa all to himself in the kissing booth, Renda starts talking about throwing a party in New York if they get married, and make guests pay to meet them. He would also sell t-shirts with their names on it. I couldn’t believe he was saying that. What a tool.
Bitchy: She thanked him for the meal but then tells him "It's not a carnival sideshow act!"
Scratchy tells him he’s one of her favorites, but says that he and Lisa have no common ground.
Renda: I have to interrupt here. Every time Renda has to answer something in defense, all this babbling comes out of his mouth that makes absolutely no sense. He tells Scratchy that he was still looking for himself and if he and Lips get married, they could find themselves together. HUH???
Lisa: Tells Renda she is concerned that he’s looking for a “circus freak-show money-making wife.” OUCH! Bye-bye Renda. Since you like t-shirts so much, here's your parting gift.
My comments: I never really liked Renda, especially after his “fish-kiss” the previous week. This week just clinched his boot. Now, because of his money-making, sideshow freak ideas, it reminded me that he has an amazing resemblance to Sideshow Bob.
DATE #3 – HANK (Sideshow Character: Jekyll & Hyde)
Hank prepares some kind of baked fish meal for the Shannon family. Hank was very self-assured while talking about his career as an options trader. He wants to make enough money so that one day he can have his own organic farm. Mr. Shannon couldn’t see Lisa giving up her career to live on a farm, but Lisa told him that once she has kids, she won’t want a job. Despite that, the whole Shannon family gave him their blessings and Mrs. Shannon said they make a great looking couple. When Hank and Lisa later got together in the kissing booth, Lisa said it was the most exciting part of her day. Hank restrained himself this time, knowing that the microphones and cameras would pick up everything. Too bad. I was all prepared for more hot stuff from him.
Bitchy: Called Hank the perfect host.
Scratchy: Says Lisa’s face lights up every time she sees him.
Hank: Laughingly tells Lisa that she has to keep her job saying she has to be the breadwinner also.
Lisa: All smiles and tells Hank she feels so much trust from him, he’s mature and that’s indicative of how a real relationship should be.
Spike tells Hank that if it doesn’t work out with Lips, Mr. Shannon will date him HAHAHAHAHA! This guy cracks me up!
My comments: I’m back to loving Hank. He’s shy, yet confident. I’m really hoping he doesn’t have a Jekyll & Hyde personality. Hank baby, get back in the kissing booth. You deserve it
DATE #4 - DOMINIC (Sideshow Character: The little train that could)
Dom cooked up some bratwurst sausage on the bbq. Boy, did he ever cook them. They were burnt to a crisp. He should have told the Shannon family that his dinner theme was Cajun cooking. Dom was having a hard time on this date. The Shannon family questioned him on what his plans were but he said he wasn’t sure what he was going to do. Bitchy told him he has to figure it out. In the meantime, Lisa’s trying to pawn the burnt brats off on her father. I guess there was no dog in the house. Mr. Shannon then asked Dom what his intentions were for Lisa. Every time Dom was asked if he's ready for marriage, he would say “I think I’m ready”. Mr. Shannon says that he should be saying that he knows he’s ready, not he thinks he’s ready. Mrs. Shannon doesn’t think it’s fair for Dom to marry so young. Dom and Lisa go to the kissing booth where we hear Dom whispering "I think I can ... I think I can". He says later "When it turns hot and heavy, it's tough to just say goodbye." Get ready Dom, you'll be saying it soon enough.
Bitchy: Same old thing she says every week. He’s handsome, sexy but not ready for marriage.
Scratchy: Same old thing she says every week. He’ll make a good husband someday, just not now.
Dom: Once again, says “I think I’m ready”.
Lisa: Tells him she has warm feelings for him but "I am leaning towards my family and friends. There's a huge difference between 'I think' and 'I know' when it comes to a lifelong commitment."
My comments: First of all, hey Lisa, give the guy a break. If you know he's not going to be the one to win your heart then stop getting him all hot & bothered. Dom’s sweet and cute but he ain't gonna win this one. Sorry Dom, this is one time I don't "think" you can. For being such a good sport, you get to be the train conductor for the Sideshow Extravaganza.
DATE #5 - ROBERT (Sideshow Character: Bozo)
Robert decides to make a soup from Austria but he’s not sure what ingredients go into it. That was so funny to watch. Surprisingly, it apparently turned out to be very good. Mr. Shannon talked to Robert about the criticism he has been taking and Robert laughed it off saying Lisa made him nervous. The rest of the dinner went well and they seem to like him. Robert then offers Lisa a massage. My stomach started to knot-up thinking that Robert was about to get all "creepy" on us. We then see Lisa without her top on, lying down, getting massaged by Robert. He wasn’t groping her LOL. Shocking! Robert claims “Today was like a new beginning for me."
Bitchy: She lures him in with compliments of his hosting skills but then goes in for the kill by telling Robert “That is the last time you are ever gonna get her clothes off." OUCH!
Scratchy: Also compliments Robert on the meal but she too goes in for the kill saying "Don't let the fact that you gave Lisa a massage let you think that you have a chance with her, because you still don't." Double OUCH!
Robert: He was gracious and thanked them for helping him with the meal, and said he was happy that Lisa's parents had accepted him "like I am one of their own."
Lisa: She tells everyone that the massage was "not creepy; it was sweet."
My comments: Well, y’all know how I feel about Robert. I literally get a sick feeling in my stomach when it’s time to watch his dates because I get so embarrassed for him. However, this date was probably the best one to-date. With his reputation, he took a big chance offering Lisa a massage, but it turned out ok and it was very generous of him. I’d have definitely kept my top on. Hey Lisa, you really lucked out that time. What were you thinking taking your top off for Robert?
In spite of it being a good date, I really don't think Robert should be there anymore. There just isn't anything going on between him and Lisa. Here's a one-way ticket back to Austria for you Bozo!
THE FREAKS SPEAK OUT:
Robert is surprised that he has not ended up in the bottom three yet: "Maybe America is voting for me because they see me as somebody who is serious about Lisa." See? Even Robert is surprised that he's lasted this long. Doesn't that tell America something? Stop voting for him!
Hank says Robert could win because his buddies were voting for him. However, he says he doesn’t care about the money, or the competition. He wants Lisa. I'd get rid of your friends Hank.
Dominic is determined "to make America believe that I am right for Lisa." Might be too late for you Dom.
Evan confesses that possibly falling in love with Lisa and then not being chosen would break his heart. Not to mention losing out on the million bucks huh Evan?
Renda says he may have sometimes come off as “flaky” but Lisa is worth fighting for. Renda flaky? What an understatement LOL. Show of hands, who agrees that Renda's flaky?
BITCHY & SCRATCHY SPEAK OUT:
Bitchy wants Renda gone and Scratchy wants Dom gone.
THE AUDIENCE SPEAKS OUT:
Renda: Cheers (barely)
Hank: Big Cheers
Robert: Big Cheers (Damn! Guess he's sticking around another week)
Then, it was voting time. I got so excited that I got through on Hank’s number that I just kept redialing. I think I voted 20 times. I had to laugh afterwards. I slowly went up to my DH and warned him not to be surprised if there was a strange number on our phone bill, and told him what I had done. I think they are free calls right???? RIGHT?????
That’s it folks for our Sideshow Extravaganza. Tune in next Tuesday at 9 pm to see who gets booted and who are the final four.
*Sorry the summary is late. Tags Swami*