LAST EDITED ON 08-28-03 AT 06:52 PM (EST)
“Everyone Loves Lisa”
This week, Lisa is going to visit each guy on his home turf—but we don’t know that yet. First we have to suffer through some “host chat” with Brian McFayden.
Okay, I’ll admit this guy has slowly grown on me. Maybe he is ready for Prime Time after all. I especially like how he opens each show with a colorful put-down of the resident Harpies—Laura and Kimberly. Today he calls them “beasts.” Then he gets more detailed. Laura is a “Doberman with blonde highlights” and Kim has “horns”. While the audience laughs Kim gamely puts both hands up to her head and makes devil horns with her fingers.
Laura is wearing a great one-shouldered top and skirt in black. Kim is wearing, well, whatever it is. ??? I just don’t get Kim’s fashion sense; nothing she wears is flattering. Brian is in an open-collared pink shirt with okay looking hair. I don’t think he has styled his hair the same way twice yet.
They recap last week’s show, which began with Paul getting the boot. I try to care, but gone is gone in my book, so I’m just going to cruise right over that whole segment.
Next Brian introduces the remaining guys and they take the stage one-by-one to audience applause. Or not. Hank and Evan get the most applause. Renda and Dom get some. Joe and Robert get almost none, although one loyal Robert fan screams alone. This is a switch—last week Robert got quite a bit of applause.
Now that the guys are seated, Brian introduces some clips from the bachelor house. First we watch as they file back in after last week’s live show and Paul’s boot. Everybody looks pretty grim. Then there are a series of individual comments from each bachelor.
Joe says the atmosphere in the house now “is so damn morbid and negative.” “It’s a cut-throat competition.”
Renda chimes in with “Joe is here for the competition, not the girl,” and “I’m not sizing anyone up” for competition.
Evan is shown standing beside Robert and arguing with Joe, who reclines on a bed. Evan saw “nothing wrong” with Robert’s date and challenges Joe as to “what was so wrong” with it.
Robert is worried that “People think I am a psychopath and a weirdo. It’s very damaging for me. It really is.”
Ken says, in reference to his repeat appearances in the boot-off line that he is “pissed off to be thrown under the bus every week.”
And Hank gets the last word. “If it doesn’t lighten up in here, I’m gonna go crazy!” He also says flat-out that the other guys “can’t compete” with him, and that has some of them upset.
Now back to host Brian, who calls out the three boot candidates for this week’s show, Renda Ken and Dominic. The three girls hold hands to support each other in this difficult moment. Aww—isn’t that sweet? Not. Laura & Kimberly have bashed these guys repeatedly and without mercy for weeks. You’d think they would stand up and cheer when one of them is booted! But I digress.
Brian does a very cute job of drawing out the suspense and letting the potential bootees adjust to the situation. He makes another pitch for show sponsor Match.com. This whole show was designed to get more hot young women to sign up for matchmaking services at Match.com. You realize that, don’t you? I mean Match.com has what—about 40 guys signed up for every girl? They need girls desperately! (Dear Match.com, I have now mentioned your name 3 times in my summary. Please consider sending a nice, fat check to me in appreciation for my efforts. Thank you. Sincerely, Swami)
And Ken, hot-bodied cutie Ken is booted. *sob* I will miss my tall, dark and handsome eye-candy. Bye-bye Ken.
Now we finally get to the meat of the show—the dates!
Who will score?
Who will make us snore?
Who will get Lisa to beg for more?
All these questions will be answered after this message from Match.com. (That’s four Match.com summary mentions now!) (Make that five.)
Renda Hits the Streets of NYC
To help Lisa better understand his life, self-proclaimed Street Hustler Renda picks Lisa up in a busy intersection and roams the streets of NYC with her, looking for action. He stops to give tips to another hustler who he has never met before. Um, Renda? Lisa is supposed to meet your friends, not a bunch or random strangers.
Eventually, Renda wanders into a crowded room where there is a Groucho look-alike contest going on. No! Wait! That’s Renda’s family—mom, dad, brother and sister—all in matching Groucho glasses. Too funny! Lisa cracks up. Renda’s dad tells Lisa she “will never be bored” if she marries Renda.
Renda and Lisa do an awful lot of smooching on this date. Not passionate kissing—more like scripted lip action (no tongue please). All done in front of family and friends which I think is a bit, I dunno, creepy? Renda’s family loves Lisa. This is a theme we will see on every date. Get used to it. Everyone always loves Lisa. This is why she has to marry a stranger she meets on a lame TV show.
As the date draws to a close, Lisa tells Renda that this date “has cemented my feelings for you.” Note that she doesn’t say what these feelings are! Just that they are now cemented.
Meanwhile, back in the studio, Laura wastes no time doing a bait and switch in her comments on Renda’s date. First she sounds all positive. “I saw more passion between you guys than before!” then while Renda is smiling happily, she sticks in a knife, “the kiss bugged me a little bit.”
Kimberly tells Renda to never “give up his dreams” or he might “end up resenting Lisa.” I wonder what dreams a street hustler has—besides getting to the next score, that is.
Evan Makes his Play.
Volleyball coach Evan takes Lisa home to his parents’ house. Says he doesn’t live there, but comes home all the time. Probably for the free food, but that’s just my opinion.
Okay, let’s all say it together: Everyone loves Lisa! Evan’s step-mother is clearly shown mouthing the words “I love her!” to Evan. Twice. His friends all say that Evan has never been this happy with a girl before.
Meanwhile, an unhappy Evan is telling Lisa that he “feels disheartened” after seeing the other guys come home all “glowing” after a date with Lisa.
Big news here—Evan kisses Lisa without hiding under any towels or shirts or paper bags. He just kisses her right there in the sunshine! And he is still kissing here as darkness falls. For a nice girl, Lisa gets around a bit, no? But Evan is convinced that Lisa is the right girl for him.
Back in the studio, Laura and Kimberly take on this whole issue of Lisa ‘kissing around’. They tell him that’s the way the show works—get used to it. Only they do it, like, nicer than that. But same message.
Kimberly adds that Lisa and Evan have “a true sexual chemistry”! Evan is very happy with that assessment.
Lisa takes it one step further, advising Evan (on her kissing all the other guys every chance she gets) that he has “to just get past it, or we’re both gonna lose.” Makes you wonder what a future with Lisa would be like, doesn’t it?
Hank Gets Horny
I am a bit surprised when Hank, the options trader guy from Chicago meets Lisa in a bar/restaurant. I thought he would take her straight home. He introduces Lisa and announces to his assembled family and guests that he and Lisa will be their bartenders for the evening. (It’s a good thing Dominic taught her how to make all those drinkies!)
Actually, it is a pretty good idea to bartend. Lisa gets to meet everyone in turn, and has the bar between her and them so she feels more in control, I guess. Besides, everyone knows that you can tell your bartender everything, right? Anyway, (all together now) everyone loves Lisa. One friend, a girl I think, tells Lisa that she and Hank seem like “the real deal.”
Eventually, the date relocates to Hank’s home. They talk to a bunch more relatives, and Hank shows Lisa photos of his disceased parents. (His mom look a lot like Lisa.) Somebody grills Lisa on her personal hygiene habits which results in Lisa and Hank fleeing to the roof for a little respite and some quality alone time.
Remember when we thought Hank was a bashful guy? Needed to be more assertive? “Kiss the girl, Hank” Laura had advised. Well…… Up on the rooftop, it all came down in a big make-out scene that gave the show’s producers a huge thrill. With one arm around her waist and the other hand tickling the inner thigh of her left leg, good old Hank finally slipped Lisa some tongue. And some more tongue.
Then he whispered really low (they had to use subtitles so we wouldn’t miss a single, breathless word), “I want to take all your clothes off. I want to make love to you.”
Lisa: “Oh God…”
Hank: “I can’t share you.”
Lisa, smooches back harder. I note how carefully the producers have lined up this shot. The camera is practically looking up Lisa’s skirt. Everyone knows where Hank’s hand want to wander. Phew! I turn down the air conditioning.
Laura, back in the studio, can hardly contain herself. “You two just fit together!”
Kim agrees, but then asks about the Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde comment from last week telling Hank she wants an “honest answer”. Hank replies that “I clearly don’t like a couple of the guys in the house. They don’t belong there. They want me to act like I do on the show all the time, but I won’t fake it.”
Lisa seems to admire his honesty. She and Hank also share a lot of meaningful glances.
Robert Gets Real
Finally, we get to see the Real Robert, the Man Behind the Model’s Mask.
Turns out, he’s a nice enough guy. Maybe not the guy for Lisa, but a nice guy all the same.
Since going to Austria was probably beyond the budget of this show, Robert meets Lisa at his friend’s house. He does not have high expectations.
Robert: “She doesn’t care to have me in her family, why should I care to have her in mine?”
He meets Lisa in the driveway. She gives him a hug which he does not return, just gestures her into the house. But nicely, ya know? You can see he is done pretending. His expression is quite serious—no goofball looks or mugging for the camera. Just a guy trying to get his happy center back.
Robert and his friends put Lisa on the spot right away. One girl tells Lisa that the whole thing “is nasty and a little bit carried away.” Still, the friends say that Robert really does have feelings for Lisa.
Lisa argues back that she has never been disrespectful to Robert. It was mostly Laura. They argue back and forth for a while, with Robert never letting Lisa finsh a sentence. Finally, one of his friends puts both hands on Robert’s shoulders, says “we need you outside” or something, and breaks up the fight. He also apologizes and tells Lisa that Robert is “an idiot right now”.
After he cools off, Robert comes back into the house. Lisa asks, “Feel better now?”
Robert has a genuine smile for her and is able to just chat. At one point he tells Lisa that “you made me realize I still need to do some work on myself, but you understand me at some point.” Lisa agrees and the rest of the date is pretty uneventful. Robert eventually puts his game face back on, but it is a more real game face, if you know what I mean.
As Lisa leaves, she reaches up to Robert and gives him an (unsolicited) smack on the lips with a little hug thrown in. Robert returns the hug half-heartedly, putting his arms loosely around her, but not placing his hands on her back.
Laura: “Robert you cleared a lot of things up, but I think it is too little and too late.”
Kim: “You should work on just being friends.”
Robert respondes to them that he is “not here just for the show. I am here because I really want to win Lisa’s heart.” Okay, he has his game face back on now—but that’s okay. ? It’s a very appropriate game face. What’s he supposed to do? Call Lisa a slut?
Lisa calls their date “phenomenal” (huh?) And says it really “cut the ice” for her. I think Lisa is an idiot to use the word ‘phenominal’ to describe their verbal sparing match, but I guess the girl can’t help herself. Being so perky and upbeat is why people always say ”everyone loves Lisa” (Hey! What happened to my chorus?)
Dom’s Hot Dish Heaven
Dominic meets Lisa at his parents’ house, where there is a large dining table completely covered with every hot dish (that’s casserole to you Coastal peeps) recipe known in the entire American Midwest. All baked in disposable aluminum trays. I LMAO, and yet—it is very sweet. The kind of spread you put out for family.
They chat with a bunch of relatives. Dom holds a baby without dropping it. (See? He is too ready for children!) Eventually they go outside and sit together on the porch swing., holding hands. There is no Hank-like passion here. Lisa says she loves his family, and can’t wait for Dom to meet hers. Did they kiss? I don’t remember, so if they did it wasn’t an earth-moving kind of kiss.
Back in the studio, Laura tells Dom yet again that he is not ready for marriage. She tries to explain her age versus maturity level position, but Dom does not appear to buy it.
Kimberly asks America to “set him free! He’s young; he’s sexy—let him be free!” Match.com waits for the babes to call in (That’s six mentions now, but whose keeping track!)
Lisa kind of garbles her assessment of Dom and the date, but I get the distinct feeling that she is finally starting to get the age versus maturity thing.
Brian introduces Joe’s date with the observation that Joe has been accused of “being too flash with the cash, but for Joe family is priceless.”
For some reason, Joe takes Lisa to an abandoned crack house that he is rehabbing. I mean, the yellow police tape is still around the front door. He gives her the grand tour. Boy, a million bucks would go a long way towards fixing that puppy up!
I guess Joe is just trying to show her what real estate development is all about, but Lisa doesn’t seem too taken with it. She tells Joe “I’m more a suburban girl—I could never live in the city.”
So Joe takes her to a store front city restaurant to meet his family. And boy does he have family. The producers have fun playing Greek Wedding music while showing all the greetings and handshakes in fast forward. It’s pretty funny because a room full of Italians all talking, hugging, kissing and waving their hands in fast foreward is a pretty darn funny sight. Dozens of people jump up and hug Lisa, many giving her bouquets of flowers. By the end of the evening, Lisa could open a flower shop.
We meet Joe’s two sisters, Giovanna and Lucrezia. Giovanna tells us (as if we haven’t noticed) that “there are an awful lot of Italians in one room.” Lucrezia looks so much like Laura I start to wonder who does her hair.
They bring out a special cake made for Joe and Lisa, and Joe’s Italian Mama orders him to feed her a bite. Joe forks up enough cake to choke a horse and shoves it at Lisa, who gamely opens wide and takes it all down. (I have so many comments on this, none of them PG-13, so I will just move right along.)
Oh yeah—the family and friends? All together now, one last time, they all love Lisa
Laura worries that Joe’s big family is too much for Lisa’s shy temperament.
Kimberly still doesn’t trust Joe’s intentions. She says “I think you are in this to win. I think the competition may be more important to you than Lisa.”
More Host Chat
Brian asks Laura and Kim who they think America should not vote to return. Laura picks Dominic, because of the whole age v. maturity thing. Kim picks Robert, saying “you’re a great guy, but it’s not there. There’s nothing there.”
Then Brian tells us the whole how to vote thing again. I suppose I should include that information here.
The basic CUPID dial-in number for voting is 866-463-67_ _. The final two digits change each week as Brian announces which number will be a vote for which guy. Everyone has got that, right?
As he announces the numbers, we are shown a little video montage of each bachelor/suitor. Now, I could be wrong—but I’ve watched this tape twice now—I think that Dom’s and Joe’s video segments were shorter than the other’s by about 5 seconds. Hmmm. You don’t think CBS would try to manipulate the vote by shorting the time that some numbers are on-screen, do you? Nah. Can’t be. That’s, like, cheating.