This one is from a reporter at the Toronto Sun newspaper... this is an ugly review.
Real reality, except for the hooters
By BILL BRIOUX -- Toronto Sun
If you like big breasts, you'll love Love Cruise, a skanky and accidentally insightful new series debuting tonight at 9 p.m. on CITY-TV and Fox.
Love Cruise has all the elements needed in today's lowest common denominator world of reality television: Horny, nubile young men and women are invited to shack up for 48 hours at a time aboard a luxury yacht. Every two days, they trade bunk mates and do it all again.
Every other day, one guy and one girl is tossed over board onto "Loser Island," where they can presumably go off and breed a whole race of little losers.
It's Big Brother on a boat, or Survivor at Sea. They're all there to compete for $200,000 in prize money plus a luxurious trip around the world. Plus, let's face it, to get laid.
One of the more spirited players on board, Toni, has very large breasts. Like a lot of things about these red hot "reality" shows, they're fake.
In case you missed her featured fun bags when the cameras panned past them in the opening credits, the humongous hooters are the subject of much chatter throughout tonight's first episode. One woman is jealous of them. Another thinks they're too big. The guys seem fine with them, really, even invisible Cruise director Justin.
Make no mistake: Love Cruise is no Band Of Brothers. This is titillating, one-track television. But amid all the boob talk is something you seldom see on these reality shows: Reality.
Did Toni get picked ahead of the other girls after her opening, six- minute "flash date" because of her tremendous tattas? That's jealous Gina's assertion.
Gina starts bad-mouthing Toni to the other women on board. "What floats better -- saline or silicone," she snipes after Toni takes a dive. Meow-wow.
Later, on a bizarre, truth or dare "Hot Seat" segment, a hurt and bruised Toni winds up defending her decision to have her breasts enhanced. After the teary tirade, Gina sits there looking petty and, well, small.
The elimination vote is held and let's just say there are at least two reasons to watch the second episode.
A few other boobs on board get exposed, too. Michael used to weigh 250 pounds and is sure he'll be picked last for the first date (he is). Lisa, an attractive divorcee, is tender about being a month or two older than some of these other kids. She wants to bunk with the dangerous-looking guy with all the tattoos and doesn't want to end up with dull Michael. Sorry, Lisa.
Later, Ralph, the self-proclaimed cool guy on board, singles Lisa out for a sweet little salute. She bursts into tears, desperate for any kind of positive attention, even from a total stranger on a skanky, free-floating game show.
The bottom line is that there are apparently a lot of lonely people out there who are aching to have their fragile psyches served as so many french fries to a vast TV audience. Is it entertaining? How lonely do you have to be to watch?
Temptation Island, a similar show, was a huge hit last spring on CITY. The Amazing Race, which debuted last week on CTV, got off to a fast start with 1.29 million viewers. Survivor Africa, when it returns in October, will be the No. 1 show on television.
Love it or hate it, this reality trend doesn't seem to be going away.
At one point on Love Cruise, contestants must hold up "B.S." paddles. The B.S. stands for "Balls of Shame." It refers to a little lotto machine on board with balls in it.
It takes balls of shame to go on these shows and it takes balls of shame to produce and air them. And it takes balls of shame to watch.
"Permit me to introduce myself. I am Pepe Le Pew, your lover."