In perhaps my gayest moment yet, I compiled a running diary (a la The Sports Guy from ESPN. com) of The Hills season premiere from Monday night. Sure it may have a few references that the ladies don't understand (had to put a few manly ones in), but I'm sure my fellow Hills fans will find it somewhat humorous and enjoyable.
Obviously, if you haven't caught the first episode yet, stop reading!!
10:00 After a used up Mariah Carey declares her deep devotion for The Hills, we start the season premiere with a recap of last season.
10:01 LC and Whitney arrive at the airport in Paris. Whitney, the full-time employee at Teen Vogue, forgets her French accent right off the bat by pronouncing French designer Givenchy in true bimbo form as 'Giv-en-che'.
10:03 Scenic look at the Rocky Mountains...must be Heidi-Spencer time!! Heidi is skiing with her mom and true to fashion, another body part of hers has doubled in size as her lips look somewhat swollen after getting off the ski lift. Or, perhaps she pulled a Harry Dunn from Dumb and Dumber on the lift and got her lips all puffed up by pressing her mouth on some metal.
10:05 LC and Whitney's driver takes them around Par-ee to pick up their gowns and shoes for some ball they will be attending, but somehow the shoe store did not stay open for them. This is followed by a raucous debate of whether it would be preferential for gals to go shoeless or naked. Intense dialogue like this really makes me love this show.
10:08: Aha, we finally get our first glimpse of a downtrodden Spencer, who is visited by his kid sister, Stephanie, who ironically enough, bears a freakish resemblance to Heidi -- well maybe the Heidi before the new boobs, nose and lips. Stephanie delivers a cold, hard dose of reality to her big brother and the line of the night. After calling his apartment "disgusting," she tells Spence he needs a manual when dealing with girls, followed by "You could just write a list of everything you've done, and do the exact opposite!" Oh touche' big bro. Definitely the scene of the night, not sure how it could get better than that.
10:12 Top of the morning back in the girls' hotel room and it's now painfully obvious that Whitney has taken the belt from Lauren for best-looking chick on the show. Sure, it looks like Whitney's makeup has already been touched up, but she looks demure compared to the haggard LC.
10:14 A plane is landing in snowy Colorado...(now doing my WWE Jim Ross voice)..."Noooo, could it be? YES, IT IS!!! The Big Red Machine is here, oops I mean, Spencer is here!! Let the drama ensue as Steph's advice obviously fell on deaf ears. I wonder if MTV picks up the tab for these flights.
An uninvited Spencer awkwardly says hello to Heidi's stepdad, Tim, as he shovels the driveway, and even more awkwardness ensues. Tim tells Spencer how it is, saying he probably should've called first before dropping by unannounced and sends him inside to wait for his 'bride-to-be.
10:15 Back to Paris for a photo shoot. Kimball, the Senior Editor at Vogue and prototypical male in the fashion world (not that there's anything wrong with that), gives the gals their instructions for the shoot. (Obviously, by naming their son Kimball, Kimballís parents didnít plan on him becoming a pro athlete). Never one to lose focus on the job, LC gets a phone call from a drunken Audrina back in L.A., who reports that LC boy-toy Brody was macking another chick at Les Deux. Surely a big shock to everyone but LC.
Whitney: Wow, that took, uh, two days.
10:17 We have a new addition to the pantheon of Sports Guy faces...the 'Heidi, what the eff are you doing here?' face. It's what the Peyton Manning face would have looked like if Eli had won a Super Bowl before him. A smirking and ever-romantic Spencer hands his lady some flowers and spews more senseless babble out of his mouth, but Heidi isn't buying it.
Should've listened to Stephanie, ol' Spence!
10:20 LC and Whitney decide to play the roles of groupies for the night, hanging with a rock band they once met in L.A. Apparently, these trendy rockers like holding cigarettes much more than hairbrushes. A bearded fellow stares down LC and finally spits out the line that every Frenchy must use in order to bed touristy women: "Have you seen the Eiffel Tower?" No? Ok let's go get some champagne and check it out. Somehow, she is able to resist this rico suave game.
10:25 Back in the girls' hotel room. The girls are invited out with the band, but Lauren, who somehow doesn't have anything to wear to the club, decides to alter her gown for the ball so she could don it for the evening. Guess she'll have a way for it to not reek of smoke when she has to wear it again the next day, not to mention a stitching method that will go undetected by the famous French designer who loaned the dress.
10:28 More awkward silence in Crested Butte as the loving couple is having dinner with Heidi's parents. Spencer is stared at incredulously by the other three until Heidi makes a toast to her parents and..., looks at Spencer, and says "and that's about it." Classic stuff.
Wonder why Spencer is
drinking water while everyone else at the table has wine. Could he be a recovering alcoholic? Another great quality to boost him up a couple notches.
Heidi asks her mom to repeat why Spencer should be giving her daughter some space. The mimbo says all these problems started when he proposed marriage and he was back to apologize for everything he has done. Heidi's still not buying it.
Heidi: Are you almost done?
Spencer: I'm almost done if you'd like me to leave.
Staredown ensues. And...scene.
10:31 We're at the club. Bearded French guy wants to mack Lauren, but seems to get a touch of jealousy when a male model from the show jumps in for some c-blocking action. She ends up in a couch sandwich as the boys battle it out for conversation with their blonde prize. Neither wins, but bearded Frenchy comes creepily running out of the club to tell Lauren she is leaving without kissing him 'Bye-Bye.' Cheeseball line #2 only gets the duel European kiss on the cheeks. Sorry dude, only Brody gets into Lauren's pants with lines like that.
10:40 Second favorite scene of the night. Lauren is re-adjusting the stitching on her dress and discovers some nasty brown stains on the dress, saying it looks like coffee, but everyone watching is thinking it's definitely something else. She takes a whiff to confirm our deepest fears...yes, America, LC has sharted herself!!
Ok, not so fast. Almost near tears, LC discovers that her curling iron was on all night next to the dress and burned the fabric. Damn, was really hoping that would be pooh. That would've etched her place in reality history. No worries, though, as Whitney makes one call to cover LC's ##### (not sure I'd want to do that at this point) and gets her a new dress in 15 minutes.
10:43 More frigidness in Colorado, and I'm not just talking about the temperature. Heidi tells Spencer she wants her life back the way it was before she moved in with him, including her friends. Spence obviously has instant flashbacks to his LC days the moment he hears that and soon changes his 'I'll do anything to make you happy' tune.
Spencer: What do you want me to say? All you do is keep stabbing me...why not just break up with me?
Heidi: Oh, you want to break up? I feel like I'm in a one-way relationship here.
Spence: You're about to be.
Heidi: When I get back, I want you to be moved out.
Spence: You're delusional.
Heidi: I'll live on my own.
Spence: At least we got some things resolved then.
And...scene. More great dialogue, fantastic stuff.
10:47 At the ball, Kimball, the prototypical male fashion guy, encourages Whitney to pursue what she really wants to do in the fashion world after seeing that she doesn't seem overly interested in the tasks she's been presented with.
10:49 Lauren gets a phone call from the bearded French guy, who as any gentleman would do for a person new to their country, offers to take her for a ride around town to show her the sights on her last night in Paris. What a guy! Not so gentlemanly though, he picks her up from the ball on a moped, and forces her to ruin her hair with a helmet and femininely straddle over the backseat in her evening gown.
10:51 The date already ends at LC's hotel, and Mr. French is sad to see his effort go by the wayside as he is left with another kiss on the cheek, and his d@#k in his hand as she runs up the hotel steps.
10:56 As the girls prepare for their departure, they discuss their final night in Paris and their future plans. Whitney says it might be time for a job change and a new focus seems imminent.
10:58 Heidi sees Spencer off to his car. He apologizes again for coming, but Heidi says she still just needs a little more time and will call when she gets back to L.A. A brief hug and that's all she wrote as the show ends with the girls' ride back to the Paris airport.
Just one redeeming segment left...a preview of the rest of the season, and it does not disappoint.
Whitney does indeed leave Teen Vogue, and LC/Brody confrontation over his new girlfriend and the return of Stephen from Laguna Beach!! My girl Kristin can't be far behind! Spencer's sister is in the same class as LC, and tells her that her bro is a jerk!! Heidi and Audrina re-unite and is Heidi is back in LC's and Audrina's apartment!! Oh boy, can't wait till next week!!