The song «La Complainte du Phoque en Alaska» came to mind when I saw the latest episode of Survivor. A «complainte» is as you figured a complaint while a «Phoque» is a seal. The word is pronounced to rhyme with Puck but with a «f» sound at the beginning. In Fiji, we have a Phoque who is really sad. Phoque-Bu has left all his family, Phoque-U, Phoque-Him, Phoque-'Em-All and even his girlfriend, Phoque-Her, in Alaska to go earn a living in a circus in the States. Bu realizes that it's not worth leaving those whom you love to make balls turn on the tip of your nose.
However, Americans loved his emotions so much that they cast him in the big circus led by Jeff Problem. Since then, Bu's life has been hell.
You see, Bu's heard has to compete against Orange-Utans and green Seaguls to survive. The Orange-utans are very strong and have won everything up to now while the Seaguls have managed to scrape all the left-overs.
Already, Phoque-Jello and Phoque-Jess have fallen victims to the game and Bu is sure he's next. Phoque-Q and Phoque-Tif, the two big black Phoques are allies, every one can see that. (Can we still call them that these days? Maybe I should say the big Phoques with dark pigmentation to be Phoquelitically correct). As for Phoque-Zie, she is the mastermind of the group and tells the other two what to do. At least that's how Bu sees things through the constant flow of his tears.
Bu decides to talk to Zie to know what to do. She tells him that he is charming but that he's an idiot. «You have to have a plan in life» she throws at him. According to her, Bu's emotions are trouble for the Rookery (Isn't that a great name for a pod of seals: They are as dumb as a bunch of rookies). Zie says she likes Bu but «if we lose again we'll have to vote him out.» She says that with the evil smile on her face that we've come to know so well.
(Remember when she said her eyes are bluer after a good cry, well I can say that they are the same after one of her dirty moves. By the way, aren't you lucky that I speak Phoque?)
In tears, Bu goes to Phoque-Q for a bit of compassion. Q sees Bu as a liability but he sees Zie as a threat. « You can play with a liability, even turn it to your advantage but you have to get rid of the threats» says Q. He wants to get rid of Zie and drag Bu along for the ride.
(Q understands the defects of this game: Each advantage turns into a disadvantage.)
The Seaguls travel in time, going back 4 days to the time where Seagul-Jam found the message and the box with the hidden Immunity idol.
(It's rare that the editors tell us that they are showing us a scene out of sequence. Usually they do it without warning. That tells us that the Seaguls are so dull that we see the bare minimum of their interactions.
(Personnally, if I could travel in time I wouldn't choose last Sunday for a destination even if it would allow me to make a killing with all the game results!)
In the Oranges-Utans tribe, Hunted tells us that he is more evolved than Coco, the Gorilla who learned sign language. Hunted has become a teacher in an American school. He doesn't say it but it must not be in one of those high-class private schools but rather in an inner-city public school. Imagine the savings if we had more teachers who were Orange-Utans They would only cost bananas!
Also in Orange, we have Rundown who woke up with a problem. His righ arm is paralyzed. It doesn't take long for Jeff Problem to arrive with a doctor. He tells Rundown that it's probably due to sleeping on his side and pinching a nerve. They will have to keep an eye on his situation
(Keeping an eye on his situation means seeing who could be voted out next and seeing if that animal could be saved by euthanizing this Orange-utan who is certainly not helping with ratings.)
We get to the Circus Game. Jeff Problem is happy to greet the 3 heards to explain the game.
As the first leg consists of traveling over the ocean, the Seaguls are flying over the course while the Phoques are doing very well indeed. It's the Oranges-Utans who are trailing for the first time. They are the last to arrive at the final leg where they have to throw small bags on platforms.
You'd think that the 2 big Phoques would be good at a game that resembles basketball, Phoque-Q having even bee an NCAA-caliber athlete but they are simply horrible. Phoque-Q throws bricks as if he was Sha-Q O'Neil, while the Orange's Hunted looks like Stephen Curry or even better! He's making his shots as if he were Caitlin Clark! 1-2-3-4-5! The Oranges-Utans win again.
The second winner (A little stupid rule isn't it?) will be decided between the Seagul-who-sings-Taylor-Swift-Songs all the time and the tall Q. Despite a good sequence by Q he is beaten by a Swifty.
(What a Shame!)
As the winners, the Oranges get to decide which 3 pets will take their morning walk: The little Orange-Utan named Liz tells Problem that she will go with Seagul-Van-Halen and our little Bu.
Bu wanted to spend time talking strategy to his fellow Phoques but he sees this as a sign from God. He will get a chance of finding an advantage that could save his game.
(Did you know that Orange-Utans are divinities for Phoques? I certainly didn't but since Liz picked Bu and Bu says it was a sign from God then, ipso facto, Liz is a goddess! However, I prefer not to talk about religion: Everyone should be free to believe in what they want.)
Arriving at the Pet-park, Bu doesn't waste a second before talking about all his traumas and the link between the other 3 Phoques. He really wants them to know that Q, Zie and Tiff are in an alliance. Next our three pets have to draw rocks in a bag, one of which is a white one. Picking the white one meant an automatic return to the home-beach. The two with a blue rock will have a chance to compete separately for an advantage. If they fail, they lose a vote. Bu wishes for the white rock to keep his vote safe and to be allowed to play his shot in the dark. Of course, Bu gets a blue rock, Liz has the white one while Van-Halen will give a solo performance to win an advantage.
The Phoque and the Seagul crack under pressure and both fail to complete their cubes.
(Too bad it wasn't a Rubik's cube because people can solve those in as little as 4 seconds now. It has even been determined that all cubes can be solved in 20 twists or less, no matter its starting position.)
Inconsolable, our friend Bu returns to his bob but the camera doesn't stay long on their beach: Instead we follow Jeff Problem and the doctor to the area where the Oranges-Utans live. They are here to talk to Rundown with some bad news. The doctor fears that he has a bulging disc in his neck and would need emergency surgery. An MRI has even been scheduled for the next morning.
OK, looking at the clock, I see it is 9:20PM which is much too late to start a Heard Council. Instead we see Problem walking into the Seagul's nest to tell them they can have a good night's sleep. The heard of Whackadoodles can rejoice because Rundown has been taken out of the game. Bu wants to thank Jiffy, his new Guru. Problem is surprised by the title because he's usually called an «Evil Pr*ck».
Personally, I wouldn't have played it like that:The Phoques lost so they should be down to 3 while the Orange-Utangs shouldn't find themselves with one less member than the Seagulls So, I would have held the Phoque's Bob Council and the player voted out would have been sent to the Orange-Utans. Imagine the reaction when everyone got a glimpse of Zie disguised as an Orange-Utan! She already has the orange hair!