LAST EDITED ON 12-17-23 AT 01:44 PM (EST)
Welcome back my friends to the game that never seems to end. We are again about to watch ordinary people playing their Karn Evil games for which they have to go from one tent to another.
Since SeeBS sees you all as senile old folks with short-term memory impairement, this episode starts with a reminder that Dee and Austin are playing a game of «Mom and Dad» on some forsaken strip of beach in Fiji.
Admitedly, not a bad place for young love but I’m more worried about the timing while others are more concerned about personal hygiene. To that concern, I say it’s fun to get down and dirty.
We are also whacked over the head that Drew wants his ex-ally Julie out. Austin’s dilemma becomes: Does he tell his love Dee or does he keep her in the dark? Of course he tells her and of course Dee tells Julie and of course Julie plays her idol and of course Emily is gone.
Did you notice how often « of course » came up in that last sentence? The answer is: FOUR times and this show thinks it has suspense up to the end!
Game Tent #1 Highlights from the previous game of « Whack-a-Mole »
Back in camp, the kids start talking about their latest game of « Whack-a-Mole » where everyone tried to «Whack-a-Julie » but she kept herself safe and, instead, she managed to « Whack-E-Mily ».
Game Tent #2: Presenting Shakespeare for Kids: MacBeth
(Playing the role of Lady MacBeth tonight will be Dee Valladeres)
Austin MacBeth is puzzled about the recent death of Lady Emily. He suspects that his wife, Lady MacDee, had something to do with it. He questions her but Lady MacDee is very much the dominant figure in her relationship with her husband. She easily manipulates him into believing that she didn’t tell her caretaker, Julie, anything about the assassination plot. To prove her honesty, Lady MacDee even swears on her mother, Grand-Lady MacOldDee’s, life. Showing that he is indeed complete, a complete moron that is, Austin MacBeth believes her.
MacDrew enters stage left and confronts Macbeth and his lady.
(In this version of the play, MacDrew is as dumb as a nerd can be. Of course, Shakespeare’s limited (!) vocabulary didn’t include the term « nerd » because it’s earliest use was in another play by the superiorly brilliant Dr. Seuss. It was in his 1950 play « I Ran the Zoo » that the term first appeared and its slang use began the following year. End of the parentheses and back to the play.)
MacDrew came in ready to chop their heads off but, instead, he simple agrees with the duo that it was Lady MacBeth’s caretaker who was solely responsible for this mess. MacDrew is so upset with Julie that he pushes her off stage as if she was his ex-girlfriend that had showed up at his wedding.
As if MacDrew ever had ex-girlfriends and much less a fiancée!
Boy is this a bad play and the « actors » have no illusions about it.
Drew admits that he won’t win an Oscar for his perfomance as MacDrew. He calls himself a bad actor.
In the very next interview, Dee says she doesn’t know how she sold it. She just pretended to be stupid. She proceeds to admit that she isn’t a good actor so does that mean that being stupid wasn’t an act?!
At least the morale of the play as expressed by Dee is spot on (let me put this in bold since my detractors are short-sighted): The ACTING IS AS IMPORTANT AS FINDING AN IDOL AND KEEPING IT TO HIMSELF.
Note that a local warrior was invited to watch this play and he agreed with Lady MacBeth’s Caretaker: MacDrew will die before the end of this presentation.
Game Tent #3: Find a Needle in a Haystack – First Part:
Katurah is our first participant but let’s face it: She has as much chances of finding that idol as a 10 year-old would have batting against the Ryan Express in his best years. She does the only thing she can: She tries to bunt her way to the idol while everyone’s asleep. Problem was that the defense was playing way in so she’s quickly tagged by Austin.
Band on the Run:
Pushed into a corner by Julie about the future of the Reebok 4, Drew compares them to the Fab Four just when they were about to break up. They were ready to embark on their solo careers but now it’s time for a reunion tour.
Unfortunately it didn’t happen to John, Paul, George and Ringo but here we can be happy that it’s all talk and no substance. Drew couldn’t even look Julie in the eyes when he made that promise showing once again that he is a bad actor.
Game Tent #4: A Barrell Race
If you think you are in for an exciting horse race around barrells like they have at the Calgary Stampede you are sadly mistaken. Not only would the ASPCA and Peta call for a boycott of SeeBS but it would also mean a big increase in the challenge budget of Survivor (the insurance, the transportation and care of horses, the training of riders, etc…) that would probably cut into Probe’s income and we can’t have that.
So, instead, the Survivor Mickey Mouse version has the 6 riders standing on barrell that are turned to roll on their sides and they have to make their way to the other end of the arena. Well, that could have been funny if they had nothing to help them but then it would have taken HOURS to complete that race and you know that Probe wants to keep his lobster and steak dinner reservation. Anyway, he cannot suffer being under the sun for more than a few minutes at a time so the dream team was tested to make sure it was quick and dull.
Austin wins the race
Game Tent #5: A Slide Puzzle.
Yes, Slide puzzles are the rage right now: Commissionner Probe has awarded a new franchise to Las Vegas that will be known as the « Sliders ». They are building a new 20 000 capacity arena right along the strip to showcase America’s fastest growing Sport.
Austin finishes a 5 (Five!) piece slide puzzle in a matter of seconds.
The Millions of viewers are exhausted after watching so much drama, so much intensity. For some reason, they think it was worth their time.
Game Tent #6 Mama J Babysits two neighborhood Kids.
It is a dream Porno scenario: The MYLF alone with two young studs. Well... Here you can complain all you want against Casting if they think Drew is anything close to a young stud!
Suffice it to say that Julie and Drew are pissed while Jake plays the role of a tree once again.
Game Area #7 Find the Sandspit in the middle of the Ocean.
Austin chooses Dee and Katurah to help him complete that task so they climb into an helicopter and start flying around.
As an aside, it was funny to hear Drew complaining about never being picked. Did it come as a consolation prize that they would pick him to join the jury by the end of the episode?
Just to rub it in the helicopter pilot did a Fly over of the Dakuwaqa camp (That name would be worth a lot of points if we were playing scrabble but alas...) That Fly over was savage but as Jake points out they could feel miserable but they are on Survivor which is pretty good after all.
During the ride Katurah realizes she’s the 3rd wheel but she’s keeping her head in the game.
Finding the sandspit, the trio wins a picnic as reward.
Dee is happy that Austin put actions behind his words. Choosing her to go on the trek is, for her, proof of his undying love.
Actually, what proves his undying love his watching his personal video from back home and realizing that I was being generous in awarding Austin a five for his looks pre-game. Was he even a 2 during his teenage years? That chubby acned-covered nerd would never have interested someone like Dee outside of Survivor.
Breaking the 4th wall, we heard a field interview. Someone in production asked: «What’s the deal with you and Austin? »
Notice how swiflty the camera cut from the interview to show the trio back on the sandspit just when Dee says « OK, let’s spice things up. » She was talking about the food of course but the implication was that things are indeed spicing up between the two.
We cut back to the interview to see that Dee was blushing especially when the producer went with a follow-up comment: « You’re acting as if you were a little bit smitten. »
Adorably, Dee had to admit she was, that Austin was a cool guy and that she liked him.
Game Tent #8: Find a Needle in a Haystack – Second Part:
With the three players that are part of his strategy gone, Jake realizes he’s alone with his next two targets. He needs points to show to the jury so he goes looking for an idol. Now, I’m not saying he’d do much better than Katurah against Nolan Ryan’s fastball but he’s probably played more ball than she did so the ball could hit the bat and then who knows? In any case, Jake finds first a clue then the idol which quickly turns into a « crotch Idol. »
Did you notice that the music when Jake set off on his quest was a military march? The musical editor, by using a very loud drum beat, was spoiling the outcome of his quest by putting very determinded, very dynamic tones to the music
Game Tent #9 – Giant Ping Pong
Well, when I saw the setup that’s what I imagined: Ping Pong played with huge paddles and big balls. BUT NOOOO, instead we have:
Game Tent #9 – Do the Flamingo
Isn’t this exciting? The players will imitate statues of flamingos resting on one leg while the other keeps the big ball balanced on the giant Ping Pong paddle. Nothing better than watching 6 tired players trying to do nothing for as long as they could. For one, Jake had expected more: He wanted to play Cannibal in the jungle.
In the end, we had Dee and Austin competing against each other and, like usual in a marriage, the wife after a lot of nagging, won.
After the game was done we had the traditional « Kiss of Death » confessional meaning that the person selected to give that confessional just before the last stretch has often been the one voted out. Not always, of course, you still want some doubt left but when that player exhibits a lot of hubris, just like Drew showed in his confessional, it’s often a sign that the tables are about to get turned.
Game Tent #10: Back to « Whack-a-Mole ».
One player who cannot be whacked is Dee and she’s happy to have beaten the men. She is giving them a run for their money whether they like it or not.
I’m thinking once again that this is a hint that she will indeed run away with the money.
Austin is the first to take a whack and he aims for Julie’s cubby-hole. On the surface, Jake, Drew and Katurah are willing to whack-a-Julie also but, speaking in the third person, Jake says that it doesn’t help Jake’s game if he simply follows order. Jake wants Jake to decide who to whack.
And I thought he said he wasn’t a mobster!
To Julie, whom he sees as being without options, he suggests whacking-a-Drew instead. Wanting absolute control, Jake continues his rounds and tries to recruit Katurah. She is ready to Whack-a-Drew. Jake would like to keep Dee out of it which makes him realize that he’s repeating the same move he tried to keep Kaleb except that time he had been hoping to whack-a-Julie and now he’s trying to avoid it.
Funny that the move that really put him in trouble is the one that will carry him further.
Despite Jake’s hesitation, Katurah approaches Dee and the two yell out Drew’s name simultaneously. That makes them jump for joy, Katurah because she thinks she has an ally. Dee because it tells her that her plan to Whack-a-Drew is being pushed by others!
MacBeth – The Last Scene.
Austin MacBeth and MacDrew are best of friends and MacBeth is ready to have MacDrew and Lady McDee present at his coronation. The problem is that Lady MacDee sees MacDrew for what he is: A mastermind who could ruin everything. She wants him out but if she tells Austin MacBeth about the assassination plan, he might use his magical shield to protect MacDrew. After all the shield loses its magic after this night and Austin MacBeth doesn’t feel any harm coming his way.
The fact that Dee kept her mouth shut and didn’t tell Austin about the change of plans in the exact reverse situation than the previous cycle proves that she is a much better player than him. Well, some might say that Dee isn’t into Austin as much as he is into her but I say “Poppycock” to that. It suffice to see that Dee is smitten with Austin to know that it was just as hard for her as it was for him. In general, women are much more romantic than men, especially in the early stages of a relationship so she is risking just as much if not more than he did.
Piling on to the hubris he showed after the challenge, Drew feels that everything has gone according to plan which is amazing since it doesn’t happen often in Survivor.
Well, better luck next time, Drewll
Game Tent #11 – Limbo time: How low can you go?
Drew thinks that the bar is much higher for him than it is for Julie because he can see Final 3 while she has to get so low to the ground that her horizon is blocked.
Everyone liked that analogy, even the Peanut Gallery.
Wisely, Dee told Probe that she had a Final 3 in mind just like everybody else but that the real Final 3 won’t play out like what anyone thinks.
It was time to Whack-a-Mole so everyone picked their mallet and went to the back of the tent to take their whack.
Probe went to tally those whacks.
Coming back, he asked if any anti-whack-idols were being played.
Austin said he didn’t need souvenirs so he played his idol on himself.
So, Probe counted the whacks:
1st it was Whack-a-Julie
2nd we had another Whack-a-Julie
But then, one, two, three Whack-a-Drews came out one after the other.
Drew and Austin were stunned while the Peanut Gallery was close to reaching orgasm again.
One whack was left. Once more, Probe ruined it by saying “thirteenth person voted out and 6th member of our Jury: Drew was whacked.
I always hope that Probe will remain silent and simply flip the parchment leaving us time to absorb the revelation.
Next Time on Survivor it comes down to one important question: No, it’s not who will be the Sole Survivor. We already know that it will be Dee. What people want to know is whether Dee and Austin are still together.