LAST EDITED ON 12-03-23 AT 10:32 PM (EST)

As the once mighty flagship of Reality TV struggles to keep its head above the 5 Million viewers line, other reality TV shows are popping up everywhere. This abundance of shows is not due to a sudden quantum leap in creativity, it was merely a way to put something, anything on the air during the fall strike by writers and actors.

These new shows offer a dearth of quality that reveals how the networks perceive their viewers: Mindless dumbasses who sit on their couch all evening with not enough money to pay for real entertainement and not enough intelligence to demand it.

Still, in an effort to gain a few viewers, producers of some reality TV shows offered their concept to the producers of Survivor to see if they could spice them up somewhat. The following Medley of Reality TV Shows was presented during the 90 minute 10th episode of Survivor:

Family Feud:

The Reebok Family and the Bellow Family have just completed the 9th episode in their long running feud. It concluded, as expected, with another Reebok Family win. The original show lacked a lot of drama so SeeBS decided that there should be on-screen feuding. With that in mind they won't end the show at the $20 000 dollars questionnaire. Instead, the cameras will follow the two families backstage and then all the way to their camping site. (Budgets are tight so stop paying for hotels)

Jake was happy to still be alive, he thought he had been left alone in a different Dimension.

(Yes, Jake’s words were the inspiration for last week’s Many-Worlds theme but onward and forward; new episode, new theme)

Jake goes on to say that he will play the nice little dog and hope the Reebok family adopts him.

Well that plan could work and a nice little dog could earn up to $85 000 if it makes Final 3. That certainly buys a lot of «Chewy» boxes. Can’t you see Jake’s tail wagging already?!

There were no tears shed for Kendra (except from the ghost of Richard Dawson that was heard in camp: «Why Kendra? She had nice boobies! ») as Drew quickly shifted the focus on Bruce who had won 2 immunities and still had his idol.

Notice that the Fijian Warrior has clearly sided with Reebok because it will soon be two consecutive targets of theirs that are eliminated after «invoking» him. Dare I say that a Reebok wins? Well I have been saying it will be Dee for a while now!

Dr. Drew

Like the argument about what is Prog Rock and what isn’t, we can debate whether these talkshows are Reality TV or not. They started well before the genre was «invented» by Survivor but they feature real people. Some will argue that the difference comes from the scripts that talkshows hosts use but I’ll object that Survivor is much closer to scripted drama than it was under Burnett.

Everybody has slept well now that they have more space. Everybody? Well, not quite everybody because Julie has aches and pains everywhere and especially in her neck and back.

After a quick consultation with Dr. Drew, Julie tells us that the cause of her symptoms is that she is a lying sack of sh*t and doesn’t deserve to be called Mama J by everyone. She says that in her real life she is loyal and trustworthy so this game is hard.

Those who think that players are exactly like who they are in real life should consult their doctor also

Snake Oil

I haven’t watched a second of this show because it seems like the dumbest thing ever but Bruce wants to test it on Survivor: He wants to sell the story that, being afraid of the «Knowledge is Power » advantage, he gave his idol to kellie and she left the game with it in her bag.

He asks Katurah: « Is it real or is it Snake Oil? »

To give you an idea of Katurah’s IQ, she bought the snake oil story, hook, oil and sinker. And then she gets mad when Bruce explains it was an act to see if he could fool the others.

Another 2-watt light bulb is Jake who also buys the Snake Oil story. This time Bruce lets him believe it because Jake is the kind of player that can’t keep his big fat mouth shut. If Jake can get the Reebok folks to drop four votes on him, Bruce will be happy to play his idol and yell « Snake Oil!!»

Yes, Bruce’s lie was the inspiration for this week’s theme: You can thank him on his way out.

The Amazing Race

Despite being the best Reality TV show on air, The Amazing Race has lost even more viewers than Survivor, standing presently under the 3 Million viewers mark. While most viewers like me have left because it’s become too formulaic and we hardly get to know the racers anymore, the producers of the show believe it’s because their challenges aren’t interesting enough. As if people watch these shows for the Mickey Mouse challenges! So for the Turkey leg of the race, they asked John Kirhoffer to design a « race » themed Roadblock.

Players will have to go through an obstacle course, retrieve a bag and then use a ball that was in that bag to maneuver a table maze.

Jiffy, taking Phil’s place, tells the players that the Pit Stop for this leg will be at the Turkey sanctuary but that not all racers will make it there.

Imagine that, finally a twist in the race!

Out of the gate, Austin takes the lead but he falters at the « Untying the Knots » stage where Jake takes the lead.

This is exciting: I have a same game parley on Autin winning and Emily finishing last but I think my bet is in danger.

Austin is 4th but at least Emily is way back. Hey! Austin made up the time under the net and is out first but it’s close. Emily has fallen to 6th place.

Jake handles the table as if it was a trampoline, maybe hoping his ball will jump through the maze.

Did I tell you that Jake is an imbecile?

Soon everyone’s ball drops out of the maze, except Emily's.

Of course Emily! I should have seen it. Who else would win a race where you have to go slow? I’d even say the slower the better...

Austin tries to make a comeback but he’s too herky-jerky while the camomille induced approach used by Emily earns her the win.

She will be followed to the pit-stop by Julie, Katurah and Dee which means we’re in for an episode of:

Then Real Housewives of Fiji

They talked about food, their families and dissed on the men, vowing to have a female winner. They even had Chippendale Drew giving them a show.

There’s a reason why I never watched a single episode of these Real Wives series.

America’s Funniest Videos

The guys didn’t have TVs to watch sports or porn so they went a little crazy, farting, burping and accomplishing nothing.

I really don’t see a winner coming from this sorry bunch.

The Wall, Shark Tank and a Carnival Game

Some shows are so desperately boring that the only way to save them is to combine them and hope to attract both groups of viewers! Who likes to watch a giant game of plinko? But what if it’s peolpe who are the plinko tiles dropping down the wall? And what if some openings at the end lead to a tank filled with real Sharks?

Katurah, for one, couldn’t imagine falling into the shark tank so she gave up and stepped off the wall. Why did she apologize for being a loser? No surprise here.

Soon, we had another episode of the Real House Wives of Fiji when Dee joined the other three women on the loser’s bench.

After a while, only Bruce and Austin hadn’t fallen into the shark tank. Realizing that watching people standing on a wall might not be interesting viewing even if it was for a million dollars, Jiffy started talking about a carnival game where you dunk a fool into a tank. Bruce didn’t see himself as a fool, so he dropped out. After all he was safe with his idol. That meant:

Austin wins immunity!

Traitors

In case you don’t know this show, here is a synopsis:

Twenty contestants arrive at a castle in the Scotish highlands with hopes of winning a share of the $250,000 prize. The players are referred to as the "Faithful" but among them are the "Traitors" – a group of contestants selected by the host, whose goal is to eliminate the Faithfuls and claim the prize for themselves. Should the Faithful contestants eliminate all the Traitors, they will share the prize fund, but if any Traitors make it to the end, they steal the money.

Each night, the Traitors come together and decide upon one Faithful contestant to "murder" and that person leaves the game immediately.

At SeeBS’ suggestion, the format will be tweeked a little: Each player will have a hand in «murdering» a Faithful but they have no idea if their vote will count: Only the votes that align with the Traitors’ plan will count. And, of course immunity and idols can spoil the vote.

Jake didn’t get a script of the show so he has no idea whether he’s a Faithful or a Traitor. It leads to a crisis of faith, not knowing who is telling him the truth and who is lying.

One unexpected Traitor turns out to be Emily who first listens to Katurah making a case to eliminate everyone's favorite Mama. Who wants to go to the end against someone’s mama?

Well Ethan did well against Mama Kim!

Emily then goes to Bruce to tell him the vote will go against Julie. Bruce loves hearing that but, damnit!, he is determined to play his idol.

Emily would love to eliminate Bruce but if he plays his idol, she’s not sure if she wants Jake or Julie to be the victim of a ricochet.

Tribal Council

Jiffy feels a different atmosphere at the start of Tribal Council.

It’s because Bruce doesn’t have immunity.

Austin says it hurts when it’s personal.

Jake doesn’t want to accuse them that they are targeting him personally but he feels dumb.

Jiffy says that often happens in this crazy game.

Julie admits that the title of mama is hard to wear. She feels terrible for having to lie to Kendra.

Emily says there are benefits to being the tribe’s mama.

Drew explains that the previous votes were easier but that this one requires more logisitics.

Kat says she’s worried about idols.

Emily, trying to earn jury points says that it’s time now to make a move since they are down to 8.

Jake says he’s all in for a move.

Julie says she feels safe.

Austin and Julie agree that an idol will be played.

Sensing that there is a general feeling about the idol, Jiffy « guesses » that they know who has an idol.

The group admits they expect seeing Bruce playing his idol.

Bruce confirms that he will do just that.

Knowing that people lie in this game, Jiffy says that even if he says he will play it doesn’t mean he will. Bruce nods.

It’s time to vote.

Will anyone – Hey! Bruce, he’s talking to you - play an idol? Everyone is looking at Bruce, the cameras focus on his face so closely that we can see his blood vessels pumping. Will Bruce play is idol? Could he be dumb enough not to play it? Well, in a word: YES!

So Jiffy reads the vote:

1s Vote = Jake (from Dee as we will shortly see)

2nd Vote = Jake (from Drew)

The women in the peanut gallery are disappointed: All this for a Jake vote? How lame. Only Kaleb is optimistic that the vote can still change.

3rd Vote = Jake (from Austin) The jury women sulk a little more

4th Vote = Julie (from Bruce) The peanut gallery suddenly stands at attention.

5th Vote = Bruce (from Kat) The jury smiles

6th Vote = Bruce (from Jake) The jury is breathing heavily.

7th vote = Bruce (from Emily) The jury hyperventilates.

8th Vote, 11th person voted out of the game and 4th member of the jury = Bruce ( from Julie) The members of the jury have an orgasm!

Bruce is devastated but honored, Jake acknowledges Emily’s good move.

Next time on Survivor

Since everyone was on it besides Jake, it seems he was the only Faithful left so he cannot possibly win the game. How will the traitors proceed from here? They will have to turn on each other. Julie is ready to make a move that could propel her to the win or condemn her to the jury.

And it seems that we will have another Reality TV show segment: « THE LOVE ISLAND » starring Austin and Dee.