Got home last night just when Jeff was explaining the first challenge, so had to go back and watch only the first 15-20 minutes.The Finale opens with everyone wanting to possess an II figuring the last one of the season was planted after Heidi played hers at the last TC. This is not to impress this poster (as was recently brought to my attention) but to impress the players who, quite frankly, (fake embellishment aside) haven’t convinced me they are truly impressed with the mere possession of an II.
Earlier in the season, Danny informed us how NOT to find an II. Yam-Yam added another way—just be Yam-Yam. I can understand how the players are endeared by his nonsense and clownish antics.
Last week we heard a crock of horse manure about how Carolyn was a threat to win. Yadda...Yadda...Yadda...Blah...Blah...Blah... Now, entering the “11th hour,” the truth comes to the surface, and all agree no one has a chance sitting next to Carson. He needs to be eliminated.
CHALLENGE TIME
As I mentioned, I just walked into my house as Jeff was explaining the challenge. After the explanation, I figured I wouldn't have to rush to change into something more comfortable knowing Carolyn would finish near the end squealing like a slaughtered hog and puzzle-meister Carson would win his second individual IC.
As I was changing clothes, I could hear her pathetic squealing. When I settled down in front of my TV, Carson was putting the finishing touches on the puzzle. Heidi, not surprisingly, gave him a run for his money. As stated last week, one must be impressed with Heidi’s challenge performances this season, but the necklace was earned by Carson. In addition to winning immunity, Carson chooses ONE person to join him at the Sanctuary.
Well, with players being SOOOOO impressed with playing an idol, it appears to be a no brainer Carson will choose Carolyn who played her idol for him when Danny got the most votes. WRONG ANSWER!! Carson chooses Yam-Yam. So much for “impressions...”
As Carson and Yam-Yam feast on pasta, lasagna and cake, Yam-Yam (who already won the Oscar last week) continues his charade over how he does not want to sit next to Carolyn at FTC. Our NASA student does not see the same threat and appropriately applies some jury management wanting Lauren out instead.
Back at Va Va, the bimbos are babbling aimlessly over how Carson did not select Carolyn who “saved him” at TC with her idol. Hey dingbats, NO ONE WAS SAVED! Danny got more votes despite the idol not being played correctly. Keep trying to convince me “casting” is Production’s “strongest department.”
With the primary threat to win the game (Carson) safe at TC, the focus turns to Yam-Yam. Carolyn is informed of Yam-Yam’s theatrical performances naming her as a threat. Lauren, feeling the heat of being on the hot seat, goes out looking for the idol. She, as well as the searchers before her, keep overlooking the idol hanging from a tree.
TRIBAL COUNCIL #1
Lauren says she’s going home because “no one was talking to her.” Clearly, what she meant to say is no one was talking GAME with her. Heidi and Carolyn took her pleas literally and said they did “talk” to her. This is the kind of nonsensical crap that has become “New School” Survivor TC.
Sensing the inevitable, Lauren uses the moment as a platform to express the plight for all the single moms of the world. Jeff, who lives for these moments, needs a five-gallon spittoon to catch all the drool dripping from his mouth. At the same time, I need a barf bag while watching the nauseating forced embellishing expressions from Frannie. Before the votes are read, Lauren gets Jeff’s attention. PSYCH...she does NOT have the idol. When the votes are read, the obvious is confirmed and Lauren becomes the seventh juror.
It took until the Finale for Production to spare us the customary idle chit-chat immediately following TC and to go right to the next challenge. ABOUT TIME!!!
CHALLENGE TIME #2
Surprise, Surprise! ANOTHER recycled final challenge where each player must drop balls down alternating spiral chutes and catch each ball before it drops to the ground with one hand tied behind their back. Carolyn marches in getting all emotional over the view from the F4 IC. She may as well get emotional over something because she won’t do squat in the challenge.
Right on cue, Carolyn is the first one out. The other three put out a great effort. Yam-Yam is next out setting up a Carson vs. Heidi showdown. Carson drops the ball and Heidi FINALLY (and deservingly) wins her first IC. As well as being safe, she decides who she gives a free pass to the F3 and who will go head-to-head building fire.
Well, one decision is anti-climactic—Carolyn getting the free pass to FTC to compliment her sleighride to the Finale by flat-out sucking in the challenges. Heidi infers she may select herself to build fire. OK, I guess a second decision is anti-climactic as well wanting to eliminate Carson hoping he will lose the fire-building challenge.
Back at camp, Carson is feeling the weight of the pressure. He has struggled building fire this season even though he assures us he’s quite proficient practicing at home with flint and a machete. From what we’ve seen, that's hard to believe. Maybe he purchased some “Magic Flint.” Or, to quote Joe Pesci in “My Cousin Vinny,” perhaps he got his flint from “the same giant who sold Jack his beanstalk beans.” In any event, he knows he’s in deep dodo.
Meanwhile, Yam-Yam and Carolyn are practicing next to each other. Each are trying to “one up” the other making their case who is the better fire-builder. Hey Tika Do-Do Birds...the one you need to convince is the decision-maker Heidi. not each other. Geezo Peezo, keep telling me casting is Production’s strongest department.
Yam-Yam is SO confident in his fire-building skills, he starts mentoring Carson on how to start fire—the same Carson who could potentially be his competition and end Yam-Yam’s game. I would classify this as the polar-opposite of the Anti-Darwin Syndrome.
TRIBAL COUNCIL #2
Heidi walks in wearing the IN with all the power. Probst wants to hear everyone make their case. Last season Gabler was darn near on his knees pleading with Cassidy to put him up against the surefire season winner Jesse. This season Yam-Yam tells Jeff it’s “complicated.” Carolyn ain’t exactly throwing herself in front of Heidi at the head of the line.
Heidi first decides to hand Carolyn the golden ticket to the F3. She will have Carson make fire hoping he loses because if he sits at FTC, he’ll win going away. The real moment is does she make the ballsy move and offer to complete against Carson or defer it to Yam-Yam. Heidi volunteers HERSELF. Now THAT’S how you do it on Survivor. You go girl!!!
For someone who struggled mightily while practicing, Carson gets a fire going in decent time. Unfortunately for him, Heidi sets an all-time Survivor record of winning the fire-building challenge in a few seconds over three minutes! Carson is the last juror and for the second season in a row, the best player of the season goes down in flames at the very end...figuratively and literally.
The F3 goes back to camp to prepare for FTC.
We hear each juror in individual confessionals making cases for all three finalists.
Carolyn says she’s worried.
Heidi believes she’s done all she can do punctuated with her fire-building win over Carson.
Yam-Yam makes an earth-shattering revelation that only THREE players make the F3. Once again, more senseless jibber-jagger only someone like Yam-Yam could get away with.
FINAL TRIBAL COUNCIL
Same old; same old...the Jurors questioned them on strategy, social game, physical aspect (challenges) and so on... From my observation, no one delivered a knockout punch, but no one dropped a stink bomb and laid an egg either. I’d give a slight decision to Yam-Yam since Heidi and Carolyn had moments when they were defensive.
I was waiting in eager anticipation when the inquisition got to the challenges/physical part of the game wondering how in the world Carolyn would be able to save face. I nearly choked to death on a swig of beer I took right before Carolyn answered she’s “athletic in real life.” ROFLLMAO! I’m surprised she didn’t follow it up with she’s also a natural blond and her lolos are real.
I also thought feeling the need to, once again, bring up her sobriety was a bit of a “Hail Mary” pass. I suspect Carson could tell us “Hail Mary” passes are successful only 9.713526843% of the time. LOL Translation: My hat (Michel had to be hoping I’d eat) should be safe.
Heidi felt the need to inform us she’d be the oldest woman to win Survivor.
Yam-Yam informs us he’d be the first Puerto-Rican man to win Survivor.
I guess you can say Carolyn inferred she’d be the first former drug addict to win.
Probst must be thinking whoever wins, it will be a “Survivor First” causing him to salivate in his already overflowing spittoon of drool.
TIME TO VOTE
We see NO name being written down on any parchment. Hard to believe an 8-0 unanimous decision?! Well, almost...
YAM-YAM WINS by a 7-1 vote with the one vote going to Heidi from Danny. I thought for certain Frannie would vote for Carolyn. Which would mean Matt would follow and vote however his Rebound would tell him to vote assuring her two votes.
AFTER-SHOW RECRAP PIZZA PARTY
Jiffy blows massive amounts of sunbeams up everyone’s butt for not being Bitter-Bettys and deliberating with “positivity.” He singles out as many life-changing scenarios as the time slot can allow.
He feels compelled to defend Carolyn’s pathetically embarrassing performances in the challenges by essentially telling viewers if they could do better—apply. Hey Jeff...I HAVE along with hundreds of thousands of others over the past 22 years. But truth be told, with SeeBS’s new forced quota system coupled with Production’s age discrimination, hopefuls like me have about as much chance of even getting on your short list as Yam-Yam and Carolyn tying the knot and legally adopting Carson for their son.
Jaime solidifies what a bubbleheaded scatterbrain she truly is when she FINALLY realizes (after being told by Jeff, himself) her idol was fake.
Of course, the sappy dorkmance had to be addressed. Frannie and Matt announced that they will be making arrangements to join each other when they get back. I’ll need more than some after show announcement to convince me they were not auditioning for an upcoming The Amazing Race season. This season ended on June 30, 2022. It is almost ONE YEAR LATER. If they’re still not together as we speak today, try convincing me it was not an Amazing Race audition.
I’m sure I missed some other items, but with a season as horrible as this one, nothing to lose any sleep over.
And how could we not finish this summary without a preview of S45. I don’t know what’s more pathetic—a middle-aged man still living with his 85-year-old grandmother, or a castaway who brags about his grandfather being a convicted bank robber criminal? So, you want to keep telling me Production casts “ordinary Americans???” I'll make that the final parting shot of this post.
All kidding aside, thanks for being s great sport and for the banter this season!!!
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