Hello again, it is I the Pornstached Spoiler, Detective devoted to the poor, the homeless, and the rich but gullible people with more money than they need, here to beguile you with all of the more important spoilers floating around. As usual, they have been handpicked, jobs the Really Really Raunchy but nice spy Girls from the Really Really Really Raunchy Spy Girls Finishing Scholl of Charm (snake charming) and Poise (Poise will be Poise), are all too happy to perform.
But before we get into that, I have something I need to let you in on. My mother, father, little twin baby sisters and their cute pet kittens and puppies that they adored and had just received on their birthdays (sob!) were kidnapped and tortured one hour after I got back to the States (incognito of course, there are still some things that the Feds wish to talk to me about, and which I don’t). I didn’t even get to say “I love you” one last time before they were ripped out of my life forever. I know they were so proud of me for the unparalleled quality of the spoilers I presented to the world week after week, and the millions of lives that were saved as a result, so that is some comfort. You must understand that this is a very unhappy night for me, but if you happen to feel the urge to award a million dollars to me because I’m so sad right now, well, go ahead, I won’t disappoint you by saying no.
(Psst, is the audience crying yet? They are? Should I add the part about my grandma and grandpa committing suicide by driving their old DeSoto in to a crowd of children at Disneyland after hearing the news? No? Too much? Ok.)
By the way, there is a donation jar in the lobby, please give and give generously, it’s for a worthy cause. Think of the cute babies, kittens, and puppies.
So I’m feeling really blue, but life (and donations) must continue. Stiff upper lip and all that (sob), so without further ado, here are the latest as well as the last spoilers for this season;
Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #1: This is the final installment of what has been for me an exceptional season. Except for the end, which although was heartfelt and really lovely, was also a ridiculous display of misplaced judgements. If everyone had known that it wasn’t Outwit, Outlast, and Out-socialize (or whatever), but was instead to come up with the biggest sob story (and a moving story it was, Adam does get credit for the all-time best sob story) then I think the others might have played differently. And prepared differently. So, Kudos, Adam, but don’t anybody else dare pull this kind of stunt again. Ever!
Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #2: Kudos also go out to David for pulling the best Fake Hidden Idol ploy ever. Jay’s facial expressions were priceless. In my estimation, David should have won it all for that and for the excellent game strategy he displayed. I was pulling for Hannah because I liked her spunk at the end and the way it contrasted to her complete lack of spunk at the beginning, but the success of David’s fake Idol stunt was what should have won it for him IMO.
Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #3: Bret is gay. Kudos for him. I missed part of the reward challenge convo between him and Zeke, but I thought I heard him say that. I find it kinda strange that the others sussed that he was a Boston cop, but had no suspicion (as far as I could tell) that he was gay. I guess Gaydar isn’t really a thing. He didn’t need to come out but he just matter of factly did without any pressure to do so. Just as it should be, IMO. So, again, kudos to Bret.
Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #4: So Ken had boots and shoes on the island? I guess they are allowed to bring a carry-on? Beef Jerky too by now, I guess? Kel, you were a visionary. Another question pertains to Hanna and her glasses which she manages to whip out at the appropriate times despite having no apparent hiding place in her abbreviated clothing ensemble. However, since I am a gentleman, I will not offer my guess as to where she stores them. (Clue: Trump would go straight there).
Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #5: Jeff Probst burns the fake idol. The money that that FHI would have brought at the Survivor Memorabilia Auction would have fed a lot of hungry orphans, Jeff. Shame.
Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #6: Speaking of money, I am here to inform the public that our all-time favorite Survivor fan and keeper of the only true volumes of Survivor Lore, Kingfish, is the official outlet for Jeff Probst Fishing shirts. They are made by tiny little women with the tiniest little hands stitching the tiniest little stiches in the tiniest little town in central Turkey of the finest polyester, the shipped to Mexico and brought across on the tiniest little burros to the exclusive warehouse in an unnamed spot in the USA, and are available to you exclusively for $500 plus handling thru this one time limited offer. Shirts available in Teeny tiny, Little bit Bigger, A Whole Lot Bigger, and Mucho Gordo. The only requirement besides the money is that you shall never mention this to Jeff. He’s kinda touchy about Kingfish selling his stuff.
Jeff Probst Survivor Fishing Hats, (signed by Kingfish) are due out early 2018, and Mark Burnett armpit shields should hit the shelves in 2020.
Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #7: Good news for next season, Michaela. Bad news for next season, Reruns. Worst possible news for next season, Caleb. Hopefully he will try and display his skill with the bicycle kick again.