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""Be The Survivor" S33 Ep14: "I'm Going For A Million Schmucks" "
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RollDdice 5813 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

12-15-16, 01:51 AM (EST)
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""Be The Survivor" S33 Ep14: "I'm Going For A Million Schmucks" "

Well, it was going to happen sooner or later. Advertisers are always trying to woo me with drink, drugs, twins, triplets, quadrupeds, you name it. This particular party went way too late and I hit poor snooze alarm too hard. (Snooz Alahm is the name of my Filipino assistant.)

What does this mean? It means the weight of the summarizing and tenderizing is going to fall on the broad and heaving shoulders of Mr. Pornstache Detective and his Really Really Raunchy Moped Models of the Sophisticated School of Sexual Speak-And-Spell.

Enjoy and I'll be back as soon as this hangover, uhh, "migraine headache" clears up.

Mark "Heavy is the head that drinks Crown Royale" Burnett

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  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 A Million Schmucks it is! kingfish 12-16-16 1
   RE: A Million Schmucks it is! Aruba 12-17-16 2
       RE: A Million Schmucks it is! kingfish 12-17-16 3

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kingfish 19537 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

12-16-16, 04:08 PM (EST)
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1. "A Million Schmucks it is! "
Hello again, it is I the Pornstached Spoiler, Detective devoted to the poor, the homeless, and the rich but gullible people with more money than they need, here to beguile you with all of the more important spoilers floating around. As usual, they have been handpicked, jobs the Really Really Raunchy but nice spy Girls from the Really Really Really Raunchy Spy Girls Finishing Scholl of Charm (snake charming) and Poise (Poise will be Poise), are all too happy to perform.

But before we get into that, I have something I need to let you in on. My mother, father, little twin baby sisters and their cute pet kittens and puppies that they adored and had just received on their birthdays (sob!) were kidnapped and tortured one hour after I got back to the States (incognito of course, there are still some things that the Feds wish to talk to me about, and which I don’t). I didn’t even get to say “I love you” one last time before they were ripped out of my life forever. I know they were so proud of me for the unparalleled quality of the spoilers I presented to the world week after week, and the millions of lives that were saved as a result, so that is some comfort. You must understand that this is a very unhappy night for me, but if you happen to feel the urge to award a million dollars to me because I’m so sad right now, well, go ahead, I won’t disappoint you by saying no.

(Psst, is the audience crying yet? They are? Should I add the part about my grandma and grandpa committing suicide by driving their old DeSoto in to a crowd of children at Disneyland after hearing the news? No? Too much? Ok.)

By the way, there is a donation jar in the lobby, please give and give generously, it’s for a worthy cause. Think of the cute babies, kittens, and puppies.

So I’m feeling really blue, but life (and donations) must continue. Stiff upper lip and all that (sob), so without further ado, here are the latest as well as the last spoilers for this season;

Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #1: This is the final installment of what has been for me an exceptional season. Except for the end, which although was heartfelt and really lovely, was also a ridiculous display of misplaced judgements. If everyone had known that it wasn’t Outwit, Outlast, and Out-socialize (or whatever), but was instead to come up with the biggest sob story (and a moving story it was, Adam does get credit for the all-time best sob story) then I think the others might have played differently. And prepared differently. So, Kudos, Adam, but don’t anybody else dare pull this kind of stunt again. Ever!

Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #2: Kudos also go out to David for pulling the best Fake Hidden Idol ploy ever. Jay’s facial expressions were priceless. In my estimation, David should have won it all for that and for the excellent game strategy he displayed. I was pulling for Hannah because I liked her spunk at the end and the way it contrasted to her complete lack of spunk at the beginning, but the success of David’s fake Idol stunt was what should have won it for him IMO.

Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #3: Bret is gay. Kudos for him. I missed part of the reward challenge convo between him and Zeke, but I thought I heard him say that. I find it kinda strange that the others sussed that he was a Boston cop, but had no suspicion (as far as I could tell) that he was gay. I guess Gaydar isn’t really a thing. He didn’t need to come out but he just matter of factly did without any pressure to do so. Just as it should be, IMO. So, again, kudos to Bret.

Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #4: So Ken had boots and shoes on the island? I guess they are allowed to bring a carry-on? Beef Jerky too by now, I guess? Kel, you were a visionary. Another question pertains to Hanna and her glasses which she manages to whip out at the appropriate times despite having no apparent hiding place in her abbreviated clothing ensemble. However, since I am a gentleman, I will not offer my guess as to where she stores them. (Clue: Trump would go straight there).

Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #5: Jeff Probst burns the fake idol. The money that that FHI would have brought at the Survivor Memorabilia Auction would have fed a lot of hungry orphans, Jeff. Shame.

Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #6: Speaking of money, I am here to inform the public that our all-time favorite Survivor fan and keeper of the only true volumes of Survivor Lore, Kingfish, is the official outlet for Jeff Probst Fishing shirts. They are made by tiny little women with the tiniest little hands stitching the tiniest little stiches in the tiniest little town in central Turkey of the finest polyester, the shipped to Mexico and brought across on the tiniest little burros to the exclusive warehouse in an unnamed spot in the USA, and are available to you exclusively for $500 plus handling thru this one time limited offer. Shirts available in Teeny tiny, Little bit Bigger, A Whole Lot Bigger, and Mucho Gordo. The only requirement besides the money is that you shall never mention this to Jeff. He’s kinda touchy about Kingfish selling his stuff.

Jeff Probst Survivor Fishing Hats, (signed by Kingfish) are due out early 2018, and Mark Burnett armpit shields should hit the shelves in 2020.

Spoiler From the Blue Lagoon #7: Good news for next season, Michaela. Bad news for next season, Reruns. Worst possible news for next season, Caleb. Hopefully he will try and display his skill with the bicycle kick again.

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Aruba 2605 desperate attention whore postings
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12-17-16, 09:05 AM (EST)
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2. "RE: A Million Schmucks it is! "
OK, I know this is NOT the purpose of this thread...and some moderator will be giving me twenty lashes with a wet spaghetti noodle...but I feel bad NO ONE is even commenting on Kingfish’s final masterpiece. So, I’m showing my love for Kingfish and anyone who has a bug up their butt over it can ban me from participating in the next Survivor season. (Anyone who is familiar with me knows that’s like preventing Bret or Zeke from dating a woman.)

Spoiler #1 Response: Because I only watch REAL seasons I did not see Survivor: Cambodia, but from what I heard Jeremy played a similar card with “I have a pregnant wife back at home who is ready to give birth any minute so if you don’t give me the win you’ll be taking food out of the mouth of my unborn…” Yadda-Yadda-Yadda. Coincidentally he won by a 10-0 unanimous decision as well. You could “dare” future castaways never to pull that stunt again...but we know they will. In the spirit of the Holiday Season when “The Christmas Story” will be aired no less than 152 times from now until the 25th, maybe you should “create a slight breach of etiquette” and TRIPLE-DOG-DARE no one to ever pull that stunt again!

Spoiler #2 Response: Even before David set his fake HII ploy in motion, he had the season owned. But this successful fake was gravy on the mashed potatoes at Thanksgiving Dinner. Yes, he deserved the win.

Spoiler #3 Response: Hannah impressively nailing Bret as a cop was the result of Bret bringing up his profession as a Funeral Director. Other than his gay boy session with Zeke at the Reward, I do not recall him discussing sexual preferences at any other time. Now if, for example, he started talking about “a girlfriend he has back at home,” Hannah’s radar might have gone up as fast as the glasses she whipped out during the IC to call him out on his lie. Which leads us to...

Spoiler #4 Response: As a gentleman, I respect you do not wish to offer a guess where Hannah may have stored her glasses; but as the best body in the game for most of the season (I’m not counting Ken because my name isn’t Bret or Zeke) I can guess of a couple places...

Spoiler #5 Response: Great call; SHAME ON JEFF. I guess even hosts and producers of a top Reality Show can get caught up in the moment.

Spoiler #6 Response: Please put me down for a Jeff Probst Survivor Fishing Hat. If they will be produced as a Limited Edition, please give me the FIRST one (by writing “#1” after your signature.) I promise it will never touch my head and will be stored in a hermetically sealed encasement to be proudly displayed in my Man Cave.

Spoiler #7 Response: Yeah, I’m not getting Caleb as a “Game-Changer” on Survivor??? For his own personal welfare let’s hope he cut back on the roids to not run the risk of another heat stroke dehydration like we saw in Koah Rong.

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kingfish 19537 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"

12-17-16, 10:59 AM (EST)
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3. "RE: A Million Schmucks it is! "
You're down for the hat #1. Gotcha.

And those Burnett armpit shields? The autographed (by me) #1 set might fetch a pretty penny on Ebay. I accept P-Pal.

(I think you're right in the groove as to the intent of this thread. Especially since there really are no rules. Make up a character(s) to 'be the', in your case I'd suggest someone like Sesame Street's theater critic characters. Tribe would probably whip out a sig for you to use anyway you like. Maybe even a moving color changing one, like this. I mean, how does he do that?)

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