LAST EDITED ON 12-20-12 AT 07:29 PM (EST)
Imagine you are in LA and have managed to make your way backstage where the Survivors have gathered to watch the finale together before the live reunion.
This is what it was like:
-“Shusssssh” Penner said; “it’s starting.”
The cast members of Survivor Philippines turned towards the large screen and all the talk ended…except for RC who added: “It was your fault Abi…”
An exasperated Artis looked at her and his expression was enough to quiet the on-going fight.
The castaways made their way to their chair to watch the finale but they realized that they were missing three.
Penner explained - “Katie and Dawson are still in the coat check room, teaching the Facts of Life to Carter.”
Probst voice filled the darkened room but no one was paying much attention to him. They were waiting to see their faces on screen and didn’t care for the long intro.
“Survivor, the toughest reality show ever…3 returning (“losers” Kent interjected) that proved it…”
- “Ewww, Russell is wearing the same shirt that he did in Samoa” said Angie quietly to the person sitting next to her who just happened to be Swan.
Zane turned to his former tribe mate and asked: “How much smacking back did you do, Russell?”
Dawson made her way back just in time so that, when Jeff mentioned Kent, the baseball player, she could say: “Baseball players aren’t athletes.”
Kent looked at her and simply said; “Sluts aren’t all good looking.”
Dawson was about to reply but her boob was still hanging out of her dress so it was kinda hard to argue the point.
“Please people, it’s my intro” said Blair.
No one said anything but Katie turned to Dawson and put her finger in her mouth to show how the Teen TV star made her feel.
The images of the rain came and Malcolm said: “I still have pruney fingers.”
Dana added: “I’m still comatose.”
We then saw Matsing going down to 2 players so Swan said: “You can’t beat Denise. I hope you guys weren’t dumb enough to let her get to the end.”
Lisa turned to Skupin with worry on her face but Mike had that blank smile on his face which told her he still thought he was winning.
When Malcolm was seen receiving a yellow buff, Kathie said to no one on particular: “It would have been so much more fun if Malcolm had been on Kalabaw.”
Dawson chimed in: “Three way alliance for sure!”
Katie added: “Too bad his hidden idol wasn’t a stick.”
Dawson: “I’m sure his other hidden idol would have done the trick.”
Kent was fuming: “Would you two stop it?”
Katie looked unimpressed: “Go play your kids’ game.”
“Look, it’s Lisa crying” said Abi when the camera went to Tandang. “Boohoo, poor Lisa…Wait, it’s my turn! Take that RC! You are still dead to me.”
RC replied: “Ha! Ha! You still loss! Ha! Ha! If you only had listened to me. By the way Pete: How much good did you get from the chaos you created?”
Once more Artis gave her the look, once more RC stopped talking.
When they showed Jonathan dancing after finding his idol, Peter said: “That idol didn’t do much for you!”
“More than yours did for you! Oh! Wait! You weren’t smart enough to get Abi to play it for you!”
Everyone laughed when Kent was shown on screen telling Jeff: “This game sucks Jeff.”
“Survivor Blows” they said!
“Wait, wait, they are showing my make-out scene with Jeff”, said Dawson. “I gave him a boner but the editors always cut out the best part.”
‘That didn’t happen in Australia” said Mike.
When Jeff introduced the Final 4, he said this about Denise: “She has gone to every single Tribal Council.”
That got a reaction from Abi: “We know Jeff: Denise will win the game.”
When the first commercials came on, everyone noticed Carter who had finally made it to the viewing room, a goofy look on his face.
“Looks like the choir boy isn’t a boy anymore” said Skupin, a certain look of pride in his face.
Dawson and Katie giggled.
The episode came back on and Penner shushed them again, saying: “It shouldn’t be long now; maybe only 30 minutes before we get something interesting.”
Abi agreed: “The moron is telling everyone how happy he is that I’m gone but he can’t win without me there.”
Mike: “I’m right here and I can hear you.”
Abi: “Are you really here? Are you ever really there?”
Malcolm turned to Abi and asked her something that had been bothering him since they left the Philippines: “Why did you throw me under the bus when you were voted out? What did I ever do to you?”
Dawson jumped in: “You can do whatever you want to me, Malcolm.”
The group started laughing when Mike was heard on screen saying that he had a better story than Malcolm.
“What was that story” asked a curious Penner. “Was it the same story that Phillip Sheppard promised to deliver?”
Mike had no answer for that.
Artis was seen chuckling for a brief moment until he caught himself and the scowl quickly returned.
“Quiet guys” said RC. “We’re about to see the next challenge.”
Sure enough Denise had just read tree mail and the players didn’t know what to expect: Immunity or reward?
The audience didn’t know what to expect either: Yawns or snores?
We were lucky: We got both yawns and snores.
Imagine: They got to play for an advantage in the next immunity challenge. The final immunity challenge which used to be an unforgiving test of will and determination will now be played on an uneven playing field. If you want an unfair challenge, may as well bring back the lilly pads.
The players watched mostly in silence, laughing when a player fell down or scraped their ass on a wooden slide.
Skupin had the lead after the race portion of the challenge but, when they got to the puzzle, Mike fell out of contention.
“You’re no Boston Rob” said Lisa.
“Yeah! Boston Rob could do that” said Angie.
“I could do Boston Rob” said Dawson.
“What about Amber?”
“I’d do her too.”
In the end, Malcolm won the challenge, completing the dragon puzzle just ahead of the hobbit who used to be good with dragons.
When Jeff presented Malcolm with the advantage, Penner asked: “What is it?”
“Looks like a dildo” said Katie.
“It’s a message to read at the challenge” answered Malcolm.
“Looks like my 4th hidden immunity Idol” remarked Abi.
Malcolm had a sad expression when he said: “No, it’s just a stick.”
Kent had to ask: “How come you didn’t win the final immunity?”
Malcolm simply said: “You’ll see. Now, I’m about to do something really stupid. Penner, you’ll like this.”
The TV showed Malcolm and Denise walking off in the woods.
Denise asked if they were still going all the way together.
We saw Malcolm hesitating.
“Why couldn’t you answer me” asked Denise.
“I didn’t exactly know how to tell you that you weren’t my type. If you looked like Angie or Katie, maybe but…”
Hearing that, Angie choked on the cookie she was eating while Katie said: “If only I had made the merge it wouldn’t have been so boring…”
Denise corrected Malcolm: “I meant go all the way in the game.”
“Yeah, I figured that but nobody could beat you in the end so I wasn’t going to be as stupid as Lisa and Mike and bring you there.”
Since Denise couldn’t get a commitment from Malcolm, we saw her switching teams and hitting on Lisa.
The two agreed and embraced but Lisa wouldn’t go further on a first date.
“Boo Lisa; I was hoping for a show there,” said Pete.
“Really?” said a puzzled Lisa.
“Just kidding” replied Pete. “You’re old enough to be my mother while the hobbit looks like the neighbour’s kid.”
Abi smacked him: “You created enough kahos on de hyland.”
Having found a new best friend, Lisa told Mike that they needed to let Denise win the final immunity because, as Lisa said: “Denise hasn’t played the game. She let Malcolm play the game for her.”
Hearing that, Denise turned to Lisa and laughed: “I’m so glad you saw it that way.”
Penner knew what was coming: “The cart is being brought around the corner. The oxen don’t know it yet.”
Malcolm raised an eyebrow and said: “Lisa isn’t wrong; I did make the decisions.”
No one heard him because they started laughing after hearing Lisa agreeing with Abi’s assesment of Mike: “You have to keep him on a leash because sometimes Skupin is dumb.”
The TV showed Mike sitting alone like a fool on the hill telling us that he needed immunity to control the outcome of the vote. If he had been wearing a feather on his head, the ressemblance with Philip Sheppard would have been striking.
Then came tree mail telling them it was time to show all “The Failing Douchebags.”
Malcolm was the one chosen to explain what that meant so everyone laughed while he was giving his confessional.
Penner couldn’t help it: “A cool thing you say? It’s just more boring filler included in the 2 hours of crap we have to watch.”
Skupin was laughing so hard, he almost had the hiccups: “I was designated first to do that confessional but I couldn’t get the line “pay our respects to those that have fallen before us” right. I kept reading it wrong, saying: “Pay the rejects that have fallen because of us.”
The Survivors took a hike and laughed at the losers that fell before them.
No one remembered the first two but, when they got to the third torch everyone remembered those:
Everyone but Carter of course who closed his eyes at the sight.
Dana let out: “Damn! I was on the wrong tribe.”
Penner commented: “Not bad at all.”
Kent disagreed: “There were plenty of groupies at the stadiums that looked like that.”
We then had the first U-turning player, Swan, who said he was humiliated.
No one dared made a comment out loud but Angie whispered to Malcolm: “You should have kept me intead of him.”
Then came the quirky Dawson who was heard saying she wanted to go more aggressively after Probst.
Penner said: “Maybe you’ll be the first Survivor to receive a restraining order.”
“I still have one more shot at him so just watch” said Dawson.
Katie cut them short: “Shusssh! It’s my turn”
Denise was seen on screen saying that Katie had a potty mouth.
Everyone laughed including Katie who still felt the need to add: “I don’t even say half the dirty things that come to my mind.”
Getting to RC’s torch, Mike was heard saying that she played much too aggressively. He added something but the cheers drowned his words.
“Smartest thing you said all game, Skupin” joked Abi.
“For once, I’ll agree with you” said Artis.
RC was getting flustered: “I wasn’t too aggressive. You guys should have listened to me and played my game and we wouldn’t be on the jury. Admit it Pete, admit that you made a mistake by turning against me.”
Pete shook his head and simply said: “This is Ponderosa insider clip, part 243 all over again.”
That fight went on during the rest of the trek, the players only stopping to watch the finalists reach the top of the hill where they lit the bonfire.
RC took the last shot: “They should have put Abi on there instead of just her plaque.”
Abi smiled, saying only: “I’m more mature now so I don’t care what you say.”
Carter suddenly looked up and asked: “Is it time to go home yet.”
Pete answered: “Nothing has happened yet.”
“But it’s passed my bedtime.”
“Poor baby” said Katie, “I’ll tuck you in reall good if you want.”
“No!” said Carter, suddenly wide awake and ready to run out of the room.
After the commercial, the players were startled by Dawson’s loud scream: “AaaaaaaaaaaaaH! It’s Jiffy!”
Seeing the star of the show, Dawson fainted so the medic had to be called in.
Dawson became the first Survivor to be medevaced from the reunion.
Once the medics had taken her away, the players looked back at the screen to realize that the challenge had already started but that Malcolm was sitting down.
Penner asked: “What was the advantage? Do you get to sit out the first 30 minutes or what? Wow!”
A despondent Malcolm shrugged and simply said: “No, I’m already out of the challenge.”
“What do you mean out? What about your advantage.”
Skupin was laughing his head off: “Yes, the great Malcolm, the unbeatable Malcolm had two chances but he was so nervous that he couldn’t stop shaking! You need steady hands to play this game so watch the master at work.”
“Master my ass” said Artis. “I’ll show you a headlock that will have you saying master if you keep this up.”
“So, let me get this straight” said Penner. You had a second chance to win this challenge and you still failed. I wonder if this idea of an advantage came because Ozzy lost his Final 4 challenge. Give the hero another chance and if he fails give him another until he wins.”
Kent interjected: “How many chances did you have, Penner?”
Malcolm tried to justify himself: “When I’m nervous, my hands shake like a little girl’s”
Lisa looked at him: “You’re a bartender, aren’t you? Are you sure it’s nerves or just too many drinks?”
“Oooh! Lisa delivers a blow below the belt” said Denise.
“If anyone is going below Malcolm’s belt, it should be me” said Katie.
In the end, Mike was right: He won the challenge and people laughed at the irony: He didn’t need Denise to get rid of Malcolm but now he couldn’t get rid of both.
“Djou shoud have kep me” said a more mature Abi.
Mike’s face was showing mixed emotions: “I think this should have been enough. I was a returning player and now I had battled my way to the end. I hope you guys on the jury saw it that way.”
“What do you mean hope? You know you can’t beat Denise” said Malcolm.
“Djah, djou are a moron.”
The argument went on until the show resumed and Malcolm was seen on screen saying his hands always shake like that, especially when he’s around girls.
“Oh! Poor baby is shy” said Katie. “I know how to cure that shyness.”
Penner said: “Apparently not; look at Carter.”
“What?” asked Carter.
“Nothing” said Katie. To Penner, she explained: “I meant with normal men, not dweebs.”
“I’m normal” said Jonathan drawing laughs from everyone except Katie who was too grossed out to get the joke.
On screen, Mike talked about this tough decision but his words were drowned by Pete: “Yes, tough decision: Do I give the million to Malcolm or to Denise?!”
“I might still win” objected Mike. “My story is pretty good.”
“Will you ever tell us that story, Mike? I never heard it while I was on the jury.”
The next scene showed Mike and Denise huddling by the rocks.
Mike was thinking of taking Malcolm to show that he could beat the best.
Denise tried to sell him that he didn’t need to do that.
Listening, the players were giggling, knowing that Denise couldn’t be beaten.
Before the finalists made their way to Tribal Counicl, we heard Lisa saying: “I will make sure that Malcolm isn’t in the Final three.”
Penner laughed: “So you were the one that handed the million to Denise!”
Finally, after an hour, we were at the first Tribal Council and Abi looked angry when she took her seat.
“I’m more mature now” said Abi while she was watching herself.
Since most of them had seen this scene first hand, they started to doze off.
Even Katie had nothing to say when Jeff talked about couples playing together.
She did however react when Lisa described her relationship with Skupin as open: “That’s the way to do it, girl” she said!
Malcolm knew he was in trouble so he threw Denise under the bus, telling everyone that she had the best story. He added: “She never had to flip on anybody, she just floated in the middle for the whole time.”
No one was listening. The jurors were already fans of Denise and now that they knew she was going to get the $600000 net pay, they wanted to be her friend even more.
Lisa didn’t realize that when she was in front of Jeff because she flat out said she wasn’t taking Malcolm to the end.
Jeff went to tally the votes but Malcolm knew what was coming.
Before handing his torch to Jeff, he congratulated Denise.
The players wanted to know if he was mad at Denise at that point or just mad at Lisa and Mike.
“I was pissed at everyone” said Malcolm. “But we all knew that Denise had just won the million that I thought was mine.”
On TV, it didn’t look like Lisa and Mike knew they had blown it big time because they woke up very chipper the next day and rushed to the top of the hill to look at the sunrise. Their mood even improved when they got their Final 3 breakfast.
No one was paying any attention to the screen anymore:
Mike was still counting votes in his head, wondering if his story had convinced enough jurors.
Lisa was thinking she could use the money to finance her television comeback, maybe play Blair as an older woman.
Denise just wanted to get that check.
The others? They were now thinking of the after reunion Party!
“I wonder if there’ll be any cute guys at the party” Katie asked out loud.
“Believe me darling” said Penner. “I’ve been to enough of these shindigs to know that the Survivor fans are creepy! Teenage geeks who will either hate you or see you as a fierce goddess and old geezers who will want to buy the underwear you had on for 39 days!”
“Ewww! At least there will be Malcolm. Too bad he won’t be the millionaire…”
After some more words of delusion from Lisa and Mike, it was almost time to go to the final Tribal Council but they still had to show they were becoming pyromaniacs, making their second bonfire in as many days. They were probably told to burn this shelter down because 10 more Survivors would soon land on this beach and start over a new game. Malcolm hit his own forehead, realizing he could have buried his idol somewhere near that beach and used it in the next game!
At Final Tribal Council, Jeff gave each player a chance to make their case.
Denise went first: “I will not make any apologies…”
“But djou apologized to me” said the more mature Abi.
On screen Denise was still talking: “I outwitted, outplayed and outlasted all you dumbasses so I deserve it more than you. I was part of three tribes, including two hopelessly awful ones but that had nothing to do with me. I went to every tribal councils and none of you were smart enough to vote me out.”
Then it was Lisa’s turn: “We all outwitted, outplayed and outlasted but in different ways. My strategy was awful: I cried my way to the end. It was my brother who told me that I should start playing,”
“So Lisa”, said Penner in the viewing room, “Should we have given the money to your brother?|
It was finally time for Mike to deliver his great story: “I’m a returning player. I did things with such fire but I didn’t fall in one.”
Swan, who had been patiently waiting to hear Mike telling his story, was dumbfounded: “What? Is that it? I’m also a returning player, I also did things with fire and no one is giving me a million dollars.”
For the first time, Skupin started to worry as he told himself: Could they have missed it? I did say that I loved the game, right? I was told I would have won the million in Australia if I had made it to the end. I made it to the end here so why aren’t they giving me the check? Could Varner have been right? Am I an idiot?
Skupin wasn’t able to answer his own questions and now it was time to answer the jury’s questions. Did he know how to spell “screwed”?
First up was Artis who said he couldn’t offer congratulations to any of them because they weren’t loyal.
Yes, Artis, you were a boring player and you found a way to remain boring to the end.
It was time for Carter to talk to the players but, in the TV room, Carter was taking a nap, looking just as dumb in his sleep as when he is awake.
“Carter, Carter, this is your moment” said Kent, shaking his shoulder.
Carter just shrugged it off, turned on his other side and went back to sleep.
“Well, playing Survivor has at least shown him how to sleep in any condition!”
Back in the game, Carter said he knew the jury was bitter but that Lisa and Skupin played a good game.
He asked Skupin what were his thoughts when he voted him out.
Mike said Carter was so likable and so selfless that he had to go.
It was Pete’s turn and he promptly called Lisa a Judas.
Asked why her game was better than Skupin and Lisa’s, Denise said she went from tribe to tribe to tribe and found a way to keep them strong, forgetting to mention that one of those tribe sucked all along while the other sucked more with her than without her! Ha! The beauty of spin!
Then we were treated to the RC giggling show. When she was in a bikini, her jiggling show was pretty good but her giggles are really irritating.
“Lisa, Ha! Ha! I wanted you out on day one, Ha! Ha! I knew, Ha! Ha! That this was going to happen. Ha! Ha! But no one listened to me and look at you now. Ha! Ha! Congratulations. Michael, Ha! Ha ! Ha ! (3 laughs must mean business) Don’t you think you forgot to tell me something on Day 19 ? Ha! Ha!”
Mike said he was sure Penner was going home that day.
Listening to this, Penner only smiled but then he noted: “Ho! Guys: Listen to the music when Jeff called Malcolm. They really want to create some drama here.”
Malcolm smiled at that but said: “I don’t even remember what I asked.”
On screen we heard him saying: “I didn’t know what to ask until Lisa gave her opening statement and swung for the fences. She gave me a reason to vote for her…”
“Really” asked Penner. “You were going to vote for Lisa?”
Malcolm was equally surprised: “I think I was about to reward the best game player but I will soon come to my senses and vote for Denise like we agreed.”
We then heard Malcolm, showing a bit of a temper, saying that Denise’s appeasing trick had to stop. He asked: “Just tell me how you played better than these two and why you deserve to win the game.”
Denise said: “I listened and I observed and that’s why I am sitting here and you are sitting there.”
Malcolm then replied that she had missed the point of his question. He wanted to know how she beat the other 2 finalists.
Kent then said the jury was bitter. He asked Skupin if he was the type to make things happen, to watch the things as they happen or to wonder what the hell just happened.
That comment drew that same laughs in the viewing area as in the jury box.
Mike said he was a newsmaker because his neck was on the line all the time.
To Lisa, he asked how she didn’t float along in the middle like Denise.
Lisa was convinced she had made a big move when she proposed blindsiding Malcolm and then went after Kent as part of Pete’s Plan B.
Kent saw that as agreeing with the others.
Abi, or at least a more mature version of Abi, then stood in front of the finalists.
“Hi guys! My heart’s broken. Lisa, why should I vote for djou?”
Lisa said: “I was loyal to you until the aliance disintegrated. The final 4 should have been you, me, Pete and Artis.”
Abi then asked Michael if he even cared about her vote.
Mike said he outplayed, outwitted and outlasted the other two but Abi only wanted to know about outdisrepect.
Turning to Denise, Abi said she felt this little.
Denise said: “I apologize if you were truly traumatised.”
Abi seemed to accept the apology even if it wasn’t a real one.
“And then it was my turn” said Penner. “Jeff knows to save the best for last. Watch and observe a master at work.”
Just as grandiloquently, the Penner on the TV screen stood up and slowly turned to face the 3 finalists. He held the power and he was about to squash those three pretenders who usurped what should have been rightfully his.
“Denise” he said in his best theatrical voice. “Your one fear was that you would be seen as a bitch. You can rest assured that you have shown the world that side of you.
Skupin: I don’t think your name was ever written down. Mine was; 15 times. You may keep your perfect record even after tonight.
Lisa, my friend, should I do the honors or will you tell them? Lisa was a television star.
I think one of you has ridden the other two like oxen. You have been yoked to a cart and now you will be led to the slaughter. You will hear the cheering, you will think the million dollars is yours. One of you is right and is sitting in the chariot. The other two are just the oxen listening to the crowd.”
For those that had been watching the show, it was now time to leave the viewing room and take their seat in front of the crowd that had been waiting for Jeff’s grand arrival and the live reunion. As they filed out, Mike walked up to Penner and asked: “I am the one sitting in the chariot, right?”
Penner said: “Sure Mike. The story this season was so evident it was like the butler did it.”
Mike had a happy grin on his face when he took his place at the center of the stage.
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you enjoyed it.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
Ils sont fous, ces Romains!