LAST EDITED ON 10-04-12 AT 12:22 PM (EST)
***OFFICIAL SURVIVOR PHILIPPINES EPISODE SUMMARY***
Episode 2: The Facts of Life
My dear reader, we’ll be touching upon the Facts of Life as it’s easy for people to forget why people behave in certain ways, and sometimes we just need a reminder. This episode is a perfect example. Let’s see what unfolded, shall we?
A recap of last week’s opening episode: We’re introduced to 15 new Survivors, including two celebrities, and three returning contestants who each had their own medievac drama. inZane got the boot after overplaying the “I’ve got an alliance with every single person here!” card. I’ll let Suzzee fill in the rest with her smacktabulous episode summary.
Fact of life: Slow, overweight, trying-to-quit-on-the-show smokers don’t survive long on ‘Survivor’. It might also be useful to remember not to announce to your entire tribe that you’ve got a top-secret alliance with everything that moves on the island.
After returning to camp after Tribal Council, Russell addressed the other Matzoing tribe members and thanked them for not voting him out. He remarked that he thought he was going to pass out the whole time he was sitting up there at TC while waiting to see if he would be voted out or not. Is that really the best choice of words you want to use considering how you left the game the last time, Russell? It was thoughtful of Jiffy and the crew to make sure there were no wooden mazes surrounding Russell’s seat in case he zonked out again – they missed an opportunity to make it even safer for Russell by not having
Angie Cookie sit next to him, ifyaknowwhatimean. Anyhoo, Russell vows not to make any more leadership decisions in camp and let the others put their necks out there. When he said that, you instinctively knew he wasn’t going to be able to keep that promise for longer than, oh, 12 minutes.
Fact of life: Russell is to leadership as Imelda Marcos was to thriftiness.
After the relinquishment of Russell’s mighty leadership, Cookie was left shaking at the prospect of being without a leader, so she snuggled up to Maldumb. Maldumb said that when he first saw Cookie, he kept reminding himself not to get booty-blinded, but well, you know how guys are, particularly if they’re in the middle of nowhere without a pillow to sleep on. Roxy complains that Maldumb is caught in a booby trap and that couples are dangerous on ‘Survivor’. Oh sure, you say that now when you find yourself alone and cold at night without anyone to snuggle up with...
Fact of life: A schwiiiing overpowers the ability for most young men to think rationally. And despite Dr. Ruth's admonishment, guys do get 'blinded by the headlights'.
Over on Tandung, RC and Blair checks out the bag of rice because of the ongoing rain. RC finds the clue to the hidden immunity idol and shows it to Abi-Mania. They agree not to tell anyone else, even their other alliance mates, and since we’re being told this, you know what is going to happen. Cue catfight alert.
We cut to Skupin having yet another Black Knight moment as he’s hurt himself for the umpteenth time and is showing RC that ‘tis but a scratch and that it was just a flesh wound. Abi-Mania sees the two of them on the beach and confronts them about having a private conversation without her. Catfight ensues. Despite that it’s RC doing Abi-Mania a favour by sharing the clue, Abi threatens that RC is dead and they’re done if she gets screwed over. Stay tuned, I have a pretty strong feeling that this is far from being the end of the story and the fur is really going to fly in a future episode.
Fact of life: Idols make people batsh!t crazy. For further reference, see Hantz, R.
We’re now headed over to the place where there’s been a rumour of a third tribe. The Who-the-hell-are-they-baw tribe. With the rain pouring, Kent throws out baseball references left and right, talking about how it’s a long season, finding spots to rest his knee, curveballs being thrown in game play, etc. He plays nice, working with the unsub titled “Dawson” to build a checkerboard in the sand. Penner throws in another baseball reference by saying to hurry to get the game in before rain washes it away.
You’re right, this really is an unknown tribe – that can’t be Kent because this is the same guy who once told a teammate that his goal was to leave baseball without a single friend. Meanwhile, the screams you hear is from the likes of Barry Bonds and Jeff Bagwell who are saying, “Where was THAT guy during all those years on the Giants and Astros?”
Really, it must suck to be the other members of the Unsub-baw tribe. You disappear for a month and half or so without any contact, no phone calls, texts, Facebook postings, etc., and then you tell your family, friends and bosses you were on this show called ‘Survivor’. So y’all gather around the TV set and … wait. After two episodes, your friends and family turn to you and say, “Nice try, but really, quit lying. Where did you disappear off to? You were in rehab, weren’t ya?” Don’t be surprised if one of these unsubs get called into the boss’s office pretty soon and get fired because they took a month-plus off from work and can’t verify they were on ‘Survivor’. The unsub titled “Katie” said she was on the show to represent Delaware. Way to represent your state by being completely invisible and insignificant! Half of the people reading this are probably thinking, “There’s a state called Delaware?” I keed… I’ve been there and it’s a great place to visit.
Fact of life: Boring people don’t make for good TV. If Kent acted the same way he did in dugouts where he was known for trading knuckle sandwiches with Barry Bonds, you can bet this tribe would have been shown far more often.
Finally, someone suggests they go to the cave to stay dry, and Penner stays behind to search for the hidden immunity idol. After the tribe couldn’t get a fire started, they head back to camp where Penner is claiming he’s lost a contact and is looking for his glasses. The rain (and lack of TV exposure) really must be making them lethargic as I can’t believe they fell for that excuse. After a period of time, the rest scatter around camp and Penner has some time to himself once again. It hits him that the HII is “literally under his nose” and recalls there is an emblem on top of the rice box, and sure enough that is where the HII is. He whoops it up and runs manically past the unsub titled “Dana” who, in her stupor from a lack of TV exposure, doesn’t think there’s anything unusual about some guy sprinting past her as if he’s won the lottery.
Fact of life: See what I said earlier about idols making people batsh!t crazy.
After the commercial break, we return to our regularly scheduled soft-porn showing over in Matzoing starring Cookie and Maldumb. Bow chicka bow wow. Roxy goes apesh!t over the snuggling and wants one of these two out, so she starts recruiting Russell toward her view. They talk about how Cookie’s got some “boob thing going”. Roxy says she’s hearing moaning and groaning, clearly a concept she’s not familiar with seeing that she’s a seminary student. She then feels out Dr. Ruth on the snuggling to see if she agrees that Cookie and Maldumb needs to be split up at the next vote. Dr. Ruth says that it’s just a normal 24 year old guy snuggling up to something that is “really nice to snuggle up to” and adds that it’s like there’s these huge targets on their backs. Well yes, these targets happen to be two mounds of silicone on Maldumb’s back and a schwung piece of wood on Cookie’s back. Maldumb picks up on the vibe in camp and warns Cookie, who just rolls her eyes.
Fact of life: People get jealous when they are alone. You think Roxy would be griping if she had someone to snuggle up with?
Let’s head on over to Tandung. Blair talks about how she is an introvert and can’t stand the babbling from the others, how she lets her character do the acting for her on TV. I think she’s just missing being lectured to by Mrs. Garrett and realizing that Tootie, Mindy and Jo aren’t there with her on the island. The tribe talks about how she keeps disappearing and agree she should be the first one to go when they go to TC. Pete says she’s like a dog that keeps escaping from the backyard and eventually you’ve got to shoot it.
Fact of life: You’re not in Eastland any more, Blair.
While Blair is having her meltdown, let’s go back to Matzoing where Roxy is having her own meltdown, talking about her faith and how she hasn’t had a good night’s sleep since they got there. She says she’s encountering Christ all over again, which I find hard to believe – he’s not coming around with all the moaning and groaning next to her in the shelter. Dr. Ruth comments that Roxy is speaking in tongues and has no idea what she’s saying, surprising considering she’s apparently an expert in tongues herself.
Fact of life: Acting as an outcast on the beach is more dangerous than couples doing soft porn in the shelter.
Immunity challenge time! Two members at a time pull a sled to pick up piles of puzzle pieces and then bring it back for their tribe, then solve a puzzle with these puzzle pieces. Blankets, pillows and a tarp is the prize along with immunity. Cookie and Roxy play hot potato over who has to run twice with Cookie claiming she has heavy ballast to deal with on top of pulling the sled, while Roxy wins by saying she didn’t have enough water to drink in camp.
Tandung wins, Unsub-baw fittingly finishes second (or so they tell us since we never saw them in the challenge) and Matzoing loses. Russell says he’s pissed off and can’t handle it. He says the other tribes shouldn’t be able to beat them and Jeff says they did, twice. “These folks haven’t decided that they’re unbeatable.” Really, you can decide that? How does one just "decide" that they should be unbeatable and then do it - what if you have two people that both decide they are unbeatable facing off against each other? Who wins in that case if they both are simply unbeatable?
Fact of life: Matzoing is quickly making a case for being worse than the Ulong tribe.
Scrum time in Matzoing. Russell complains about the hot potato game played by Cookie and Roxy in the challenge and says that the soft porn couple are too busy being up each other’s butts. I suppose it's warmer being up each other's butts than sleeping out in the cold, but still... Russell is disappointed with Roxy’s performance. Roxy blames Cookie. Maldumb worries he won’t get to sample Cookie’s, ah, cookies after this vote. Dr. Ruth feels caught in the middle (no, not in between the star-crossed lovers), doesn’t trust Roxy and worries Maldumb will vote to keep his pillows around in camp.
Tribal Council. Russell talks about his intensity. Dr. Ruth talks about how Russell’s rantings sounds accusatory but she understands where he’s coming from. Roxy said the tribe shouldn’t invest 75% of their energy to working around the camp so much instead of saving it for challenges (ya know, with a little bit of effort yourself, you might have been able to get the water you needed for the challenge so you could increase your chances of staying longer in the game. Just sayin’). Cookie says she wishes “that we could have cookies” as an answer to all of the tribe’s problems. Jeff tries to pin down Maldumb as he gags and tries to sidestep around the comment but eventually says that it’s not a phenomenal answer, but hey, it’s a blond girl, whaddya expect? They talk about snuggling and Maldumb rationalizes that she’s like a sister. Cweepy.
Fact of life: Incest is apparently more acceptable to this tribe over being lazy and saving energy for challenges.
Roxy said it’s like a booby trap and that couples are dangerous in the game. Cookie shrugs. Jeff claps his hands in front of Cookie and says “Let’s get real, let’s wake up!”
Vote: Roxy. Cookie. Roxy. Roxy. Roxy is voted out 3-1. Malcolm waves bye bye as she walks off the stage.
Fact of life: Just as well that Roxy was booted in this episode. Could you imagine a seminary student surviving 39 days on an island with a sex therapist, a modern day Delilah, a schwinging horndog, and a guy who wouldn’t be able to lead someone dying of thirst to a well filled with water?
A final fact of life… this summary is now over and thanks for reading!