Brothers from an alien mother Jiffy and Mark bring us another reason to bash all things Survivor, um, thanks guys, I guess. Regardless, this season is all about former painful eliminations and we haven’t even gotten to the parasites yet.
OwwwwwwOOOOOOOO goes the opening theme and the fresh crop of noobs are sleezing around on a barely sea worthy Philippine battle ship. I believe it said SS Minnow or was it Burnett’s boat “You’re Mine Now”. Either way that bunch of potential loser’s gave the definition of boredom a new picture in Webster’s Dictionary.
Jiffy makes with the Standard Welcome and looks over the fresh eager faces of former child stars, mactors, daws, assorted riff-raff and recruits.
”Yeesh,” says Jiffy and the viewers.
“No celebrities!” say the Noobs. (Lisa checks her status and is relieved to find out she is NOT a celebrity anymore.) She lost all her Facts-O-Life cash back in the big stock/disco/Facts-O-Life crash of 1988. She shouldn’t have had all her money in Blair Hair Care stocks anyway, stupid Blair. Meanwhile the other non-celebrity Jeff "Clark" Kent, man of steel, checks that his 20 year career as America’s pass time’s greatest hasn’t left him to be a target. Nope, nobody recognizes him yet. Keeewwwl!
The math whizzes they are notice they have 5 on each team thereby upping their chances of going home pretty darn quick. Nothing gets by this bunch. Except….
Que the SS Evacuation! Toot!
YAY! Here come the familiar incinerated, insensible and infected former evacuees (also non- celebrities) arriving to lead, not lead, or to have an awesomely good time joining up with the S25 rookie class of 2012.
Viewers are treated to a quick history of boo-boos and ouchies during the prior 24 seasons of Danger Will Robinson. That’s a lot of howling and tears for one episode of Toddlers and Survivors. I could go on but it’s a pain in the A$$.
The frantic grabbing of melons, chickens and dead wood, jumping out of a perfectly good boat, flailing into their future shelter floors, and general mayhem ensues for everyone on Jiffy’s “Go you bunch of losers!”.
Former baseball player, rancher and mother of 12 may have to go on 10 day injured reserve for unnecessary clumsiness. We’ll have updates throughout the program, stay tuned. Home Sweet Home (and let’s vote out the returnees, oh my)
I’m just taking quick shots at these tribes since ya’ll watched and it was painful enough the first run through.
Camp Yellow : The Tandangit’s
R C Cola and Abikini cleverly take some Brazilian Wacks at Survivor and form the S25 version of Big Brother’s Quack Pack with Pete and Re-Pete. Yeah that’s got to be the best alliance created since Rob and Ambah or Jiffy and Burnett or a peanut butter and balut sandwich. Blair bombs, and that’s a Fact of Life. Enough said. Would I be remiss in noting that Mike aka Mr. Burns, is a bit of a clumsy ox? >forehead slap<
Camp Red: The Kalabunga’s
Jeff Kent self diagnoses with all the proper medical terms, impressive, the Doctor is IN. Jonathan-again revels in the wonders of his third try at surviving Jiffy’s hosting. Dawson has Jeff’s uniform number since she kanoodled with a baseball fan and all they talked about was Jeff Kent.>forehead slap<
Camp Blue: The Mudslinger’s
Russell declarifies there are no leaders over and over until everyone knows he’s NOT the leader, then he proceeds to impress them all with his leadership and annoymanship.
Zane makes alliances with everyone, and then tells everyone he made alliances with everyone. “My Mama bought/traded/gave me my first tattoo.” He say’s proudly. oh wow Oh Lisa, you have your next mother’s group project here.
OK folks I left a fertile field of goofs, gafs and fodder for adding to the bash boards. On my go. Well GO!
The Multi Immunity and Reward Challenge
Oh no, someone got into the make-up. Here come the non-celebrities and future non-celebrities now.
Jiffy tells the Survivors they will be tied together for a run, climb, untie, run back with the paddles in a coffin leg. (Russell, you tied yourself to the boat anchor and that wasn’t an inner-tube around his waist fyi).
Then you will be paddled (Thank you, may I have another) in a canoe, jump out (again jumping out of a perfectly good boat I'm sensing the theme for this season. Always bail out of safety.) Dive down deep (hold your breath) and untie the rope and push your big chests up to the beach. (no comment from me, nudge-nudge)
Finally you will have to find the pieces and un-puzzle your non-celebrity arses off.
Drama, yelling, dragging, sweating and finally excuses from the Mudslingers and
Kalabunga pulls out a win, Tangdangit (and Blair) gets second after blowing the lead and Mudslingers are S25’s 1st official losers, see ya’ll at Tribal Council. Wow, good thing ZZZzzzane has lots of loyal alliances. ZZZzzzane says,
”You ain’t never seen a move like this in Survivor history.”
ZZZzzzane shoots himself several times before the rest of them return the favor.
ZZZzzzzane says “I’m playing chess the best I know how (wait, what?) and hopefully I’ll get kinged. Really I had to re-watch that twice. Golly editing, hit me in the head with a foreshadow why don’t you. He just weighed the tribe down. >snort<
Jiffy opens TC telling us again that fire represents blah blah, you know the drill.
On to Hell’s Kitchen featuring Roast Zane with fava beans and a nice chianti.
Our hero, Zane the Oblivious is the first to be grilled by Jiffy who tells him someone is going home. “It’s a sad thing Jeff, it’s the way of Survivor,” he says with a knowing look. Jiffy moves on to Denise, resident naughty bits therapist who explains that repeat contestants are not pure but they can be an a$$-ett.
Zane the Oblivious declares his unworthiness to play with the repeat offenders and then adds some onion layers and turns the heat up on himself.
Jiffy and the others get lost in the onion fumes and after fanning the BS out of the way asks Russell, the returning non Leader if he feels like an experienced threat or just an idiot. Russell agrees that he’s a smelly onion that blows, (Nice shout out to the Blows board there Russell, props to ya). He states that he downloaded Russell 2.0 but forgot to delete Russell 1.0 thereby getting the blue screen of bootation. He rebooted and cranked up the Fix a Tool program and hoped it works.
Malcolm in the Middle agrees that Russell 2.0 acted like a dictator or dictaphone or a dique of some sort.
Roxy declared her active military status and was only following orders when she retreated from puzzle patrol. Angie said she had the runs, was a runner or couldn’t run fast enough from puzzle failure. Make a note of that folks, any future puzzles and don’t let those two on your team. hit us with the foreshadow hammer once again
Zane the Oblivious, depending totally on his ability to have alliances with everyone and controlling the tribe with an iron fist (oh-oh, is something burning?) gives everyone the go ahead for voting him out. The tribe gives Zane and us an early Christmas gift and the average I.Q.of the Mudslinger’s rises accordingly.
It’s all over but the laughing but then it’s all so true, I ain’t ever seen a move like that on Survivor.
Thank you for spending a bit of your time with me, hope you enjoyed it.
We have a few games for you over at Survivor Games, kircon’s PTTE regular and for the unspoiled a Spoiler Free PTTE as well and then there’s kircon’s Survivor in Question which is a fun little game that spoiled or not makes no difference.
On the Basher’s side RollDdIce has started the “Be the Survivor” for S25. Come on over and pick a survivor character, get a cool siggie and get your snark on.
That’s it till next week when Blair finds out she’s not the most popular girl in school and the ghost of Mrs. Garrett
disciplines helps her deal with the real Lisa.
It’s a jungle out there
Congratulations Ian on winning BB14. Well Done!