PREVIOUSLY ON SURVIVOR
We watch the men, one by one, join the Jury. In Ep. 10 the castaways play a game within the game called "Who's Yo Mama?" We find out Alicia's not Christina's Mama and Sabrina's not Troy's. Wonders never cease as Kat discovers there's actually bacon in a BLT sandwich, but still can't grasp the concept of bidding in increments of $20. (Gotta be the New Math.)
Although she's not the only one struggling with numbers...with a Final Four pact exposed in the F9, most of the other Five can't understand it's their best shot to mathematically turn the tables. (Gotta be the New Math.) Apparently the general concensus is ONE man is more threatening and dominant than a bevy of FOUR women. (Gotta be the New Math.)
This draws the ire of Troy, not a student of New Survivor Math, and fresh off an IC win, lays out Kim's F4 scenario (and throws in the pre-F4 boot order for good measure) to the rest of the players at TC in such a manner even the monkeys he raises back at home could have comprehended. I guess his monkeys haven't been tutored in Mew Math. But this cast has, thus Leif becomes the fourth man/member of the Jury.
Now would a Jury of four be more than a Jury of five; or perhaps a Jury of four is less than a Jury of one? According to this cast it is. (Gotta be the New Math.)
EPISODE 11 - NEVER SAY DIE
The remaining players return from TC. EPMB always throws in a few confessionals before he rolls the Intro and goes into a commercial break. A quick thumbnail synopsis of the confessionals:
* - Tarzan pretty much is content on being "Jane's" B!tch.
* - Kim is getting nervous.
* - Troy says the game is one against everyone else.
According to MY math, eleven days left in the game. But with New Math...your guess is as good as mine.
Production cuts to the chase and delivers tree mail for the upcoming RC. The mail indicates how much they need to know about each other. OK, all together now...can we say "COCONUT CHOP." Kim has already decided she'd take either Alicia or Christina if she wins to keep them away from Troy. She also assures Kat she'd go too.
The castaways arrive to the Challenge with eight hanging voodoo dolls resembling each player's likeness. Alicia critiques the hair on her doll. Hey, she should be happy they didn't put cellulite on its legs.
A series of questions will be asked and each player will reveal who they think the most popular answer is based on questionnaires they completed beforehand. A correct response gives the player one chop at the rope holding up a player's doll. Three chops and a doll get engulfed in flames.
Q1: Who does not deserve to still be here? Answer: CHRISTINA
Troy, Kim & Chelsea got it right and get to chop; Troy is in early danger.
Q2: Who would you trust with your life? Answer: KIM
Who else would her coattail riders say? Troy's doll ignites. He's the first one out. Alicia mocks Troy by saying it's HER island. Troy doesn't seem bothered because any student of the game knows this is NOT a challenge you want to win.
Q3: Who most needs a wakeup call in life? Answer: KAT
So far the answers have been as predictable as this season. Everyone says Kat; except Kat who says Christina. Tarzan and Chelsea take a seat next to Troy.
Q4: Who is the biggest Poser?
Poor Kat. I'm sure she had fits with this question not knowing what a poser is. She probably would have had a better chance proving Einstein's Theory of Relativity. But the answer is: TROY
Q5: Who does the least for the Tribe? Answer: SABRINA
I didn't see THAT coming. Even though I didn't have her pegged as a workhorse like Bobby Jon or James, I was surprised. But most get it right and Kat & Sabrina watch their dolls go up in flames.
Q6: Who would you most want to be stranded on an island with?
Obvious Answer: Same player who most would trust with their lives...KIM
But the shocker of all shockers...Christina reveals TROY. YOWZA!!!
If I was Troy, not only do I throw in the towel, I go up to Production, drop to me knees, and BEG them for a double boot episode! Let them vote Christina and I off at next TC, dump us both on a deserted island, and the hell with the other players!!! Christina exits the Challenge leaving only Alicia and Kim remaining in the game.
Q7: Who do you never want to see again after the show?
Back to predictable. Answer: TROY
Both are correct, but with Alicia's doll just one chop to the fire, Kim wins reward.
Kim chooses Alicia to join her on a helicopter ride to a remote location where they can indulge in what is becoming a bi-daily feast on Survivor. Just when she thinks she's in the clear, Jeff tells her to choose one more. NOW do you understand why it is ill advised to win this RC? After some deliberation she chooses Chelsea and apologizes to Kat by saying Chelsea needs the food. OH, and Kat doesn't? Kat is devastated.
With the jugular exposed, Troy takes advantage of the opportunity by saying, what we see now is Kim's F3. Kim just stands there speechless as if the cat got her tongue...that's cat with a "C."
Kim, Alicia, and Chelsea board the helicopter taking them to the food reward. Enroute they capture scenic views of the location. As they pass a waterfall Chelsea announces this rates in her Top 10 greatest moments in her life. I've been in a helicopter and I've seen a waterfall. Don't get me wrong, both were nice experiences...but "Top 10?" I'm thinking Miss South Carolina needs to get out a little more.
BACK AT CAMP
Troy keeps working on Kat bringing her to tears. I was expecting the "Who's Yo Mama" game to resume with Sabrina coming to Kat's defense...but she just sits back quietly. Instead, Sabrina takes advantage of this situation and pretends to consider Troy's option to see who she can smoke out as a potential flipper--Christina bites hard on the bait.
When the girls return from reward, Kim knows she has some serious damage control to perform. She pulls Kat aside. Kat says she's having a bad day. Kim says she's having a bad day too.
OH REALLY? HMMM, let's anaylze a punchlist of Kim's "bad day."
* - She's the Pied Piper of a female alliance with everyone's nose up her butt
* - She just came back from a helicopter ride and an afternoon feast
* - She has a HII in her possession
* - She's the odds on favorite of officially increasing her net worth by $1 million in a few months.
So convincing Kat she's having a bad day might be an impossible task for some. But not a tall order for Kim because convincing people is second nature for Kim given her line of work as a Bridal Shop owner. On a regular basis their job is to convince young couples to drop tens of thousands of dollars on a one-day gala instead of making the practical choice of using it as a down payment for a roof over their heads they could own for the next 50+ years. So all considered, convincing Kat she's having a bad day is probably a piece of cake for Kim.
AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR
With the tension at an all-time high, what's Production to do?
RELEASE THE PIG!
This sends the entire cast into a frenzy. Christina, who would probably have a difficult time killing a mosquito, grabs an axe. Sabrina, who does the least around camp, grabs a log. And Troy, with a ridiculous makeshift lasso, tries unsuccessfully to rope the pig.
As much as I depise bringing back returning players, I'm going to make an exception here...
BRING BACK MICHAEL SKUPIN - SURVIVOR OUTBACK
Back when castaways were TRUE survivors and the show lived up to its name, that pig wouldn't have stood a chance. But 22 seasons later with most of the castaways mirroring the likeness of "Big Brother" hampsters on a tropical island, I suspect everyone is deciding what they may want to name their new pet.
Given the levity of this scene pretty much everyone gets a confessional. Troy appropriately declares everyone's gone mad. This is the one Kim confessional where I can understand her giggling. With the prevalance of that nervous giggle in her confessionals it has given me an idea of a fun drinking game.
I'm inviting everyone over for the Season's Finale. The game will be everytime we hear Kim's nervous giggle during the final episode, we ALL must take a sip. Understand I'll be collecting everyone's keys at the door because no one will be in any condition to drive home afterwards.
Players walk up to a slip-n-slide. After lubing their bodies with oil they must slide across a mat and pick up rings they must successfully toss on a peg. Four initial two-player heats where the first player to toss a ring on a peg advance to the semis. In the semis the winner will have to land two rings on a peg. And in the F2 face-off the winner must hook three rings.
The potential visual effect of such a challenge had me torn between wanting to HUG or SLAP Production.
A glistening, shiny glow on Christina's silky smooth skin...HUG!
A glistening, shiny glow on Chelsea's plastic boobies...HUG!
A glistenting, shiny glow on Tarzan's 62-year old hairy walrus-like frame...SLAP!
Heat #1: Chelsea vs. Alicia
Looks like we're going to get our fill of glistening, shiny boobies right off the bat. Both girls have a difficult time sliding on their bellies to the rings (Geez, I wonder why,) but in the end Chelsea wins her heat.
Heat #2: Kat vs, Sabrina
A mild upset thinking Sabrina might have an edge here, yet Kat advances to the semis and caps off her victory with a celebratory dance I'm sure she copied from a Lady Gaga music video.
Heat #3: Troyzan vs. Tarzan
Jeff bills this contest as the Battle of the "Zans."
Two different styles. Troyzan frantically tosses his rings like a hyper kid on a sugar binge, while Tarzan takes a more deliberate approach. Slow and steady wins the race...Tarzan wins and a wild celebration from the spectators (females) ensues.
Heat #4: Kim vs. Christina
Survivor's version of the #1 vs. #8 seeds. Kim, with no boobie or male package obstructions, slides across the oily matt like a hockey puck across a frozen pond. Christina's effort is horrible resulting in an easy win for Kim.
Semi #1: Chelsea vs. Kat
One of the more closely contested matchups. It's a nailbiter until Kat decides to stop and join the other six castaways to watch Chelsea successfully land her second ring on the peg. Well make that five other castaways because Troy still has his back turned pouting over his loss. In a true example of sportsmanship, two oily bodies embrace....AHHHH, ain't sportsmanship great!
Semi #2: Kim vs. Tarzan
Another easy matchup on paper for Kim, and not surprisingly sets up a final faceoff with her Survivor alliance mate.
Finals: Kim vs. Chelsea
As far as I'm concerned three heats to see Chelsea lubed up makes EVERYONE a winner, but someone still needs to wear the necklace at TC; and in the end Kim's sliding advantage and tossing skills wins immunity.
BACK AT CAMP
Kat continues to make her plea to the Survivor fans by lamenting that no one thinks she's "running the show." If Kat could convince the viewers she's "running the show," Kim has a job waiting for her in her Bridal Shop.
The girls have a pow-wow on how to split the votes fearing Troy may play a HII. They decide on Christina and Sabrina lets Christina in on it. Christina is OK with being the pawn. This leads to an Alicia confessional where the pathetic hag compares Christina to the special ed kids she teaches. I'll bet the parents of her students must feel reassured that she thinks of their children in the same manner as someone she would walk away from when drowning.
Troy walks over to Christina sitting in the ocean. Instead of deciding what deserted island she might have in mind, he decides to talk game. Don't tell me THIS guy doesn't want to win! Troy needs two bits of information: Are they splitting the votes and with whom. In a relatively short time Christina (with Sabrina's hook still in her mouth) bites on Troy's bait as well, and not only informs him the votes will be split, but SHE is the one they're splitting the votes with.
Knowing he has no HII to play, he is elated that he may have a new lease on life by throwing his vote to Christina as well, AND convincing Christina to change her vote to Chelsea.
Even though he's switched Christina's vote to Chelsea, and can only count on three of the remaing seven votes for Christina, he's got a fighting chance...afterall this is New Math on Survivor. And perhaps Troy may be a quick study.
The main focus is on Troy scrambling to stay alive and Kim's RC choices. Kat, still crushed over getting passed up, continues her plea that she's not a follower. Alicia decides to use this open forum to attack Christina as a castaway with no game and no plan. Christina says she does have a plan but no one knows it because "deception" is part of the game. Let me tell you if Christina does, in fact, have a definite plan to win, then she has successfully "decieved" ALL of us.
Jeff points out how all this must give new hope for Troy. Troy agrees. As a final attempt to make the girls think he has a HII, he indicates that he's feeling pretty good tonight.
Time to vote.
The tally is as follows:
Chelsea (OK Kim, I'll vote for...) - TROY
Alicia (MY "plan" to win is to beat Kim in the Finals, Ha!) - TROY
Christina (Bait and hooks still in mouth) - CHELSEA
Kat (I'll prove to you I'm no "follower," so I'll vote for...) - TROY? HA!
Troy (Thanks Christina for the info) - CHRISTINA
Sabrina (OK Kim, we'll split the votes) - CHRISTINA
Tarzan (I'm Kim's B!tch too) - CHRISTINA
We have a tie with one vote left; and the fifth member of the Jury is...
Kim (This is now MY island) - TROY
Troy leans over to Kat and says "DO IT." Being one of the more predictable seasons of all-time up to this point, EPMB must be ecstatic with that exchange creating some much needed suspense as to its meaning.
Troy is classy with his parting words. Many use this moment to reflect on their game or cry sour grapes, but Troy speaks directly to the viewers making an obvious pitch for Fan Favorite. Still much more game to play, but I'll put him in the running.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR
We're promised a "Kat" fight. It's being billed as "chaos."
Yeah, I'll believe that when I see Kat "running the show."
My Prediction: More Predictabilty.