LAST EDITED ON 04-23-12 AT 09:17 PM (EST)
Alright, at the quick step (not) now because time is money and money is time, and if I were you and you were me, then we'd all care equally about both... So, whatever it is that I have said here today (shrugs shoulders)...
As the Joker famously put it-
Here .... WE.... GO
Previously on Survivor-
JP: Previously we have been concerned with the following things, in order: Kim's game play, Chelsea's body, Troy's "zest" for living, Chelsea's moral dilemma, Christina's body, Alicia's bitchiness, Kat's blondness, Sabrina's commonsense, and Tarzan's affinity for european swimwear. There you go. The entire season reduced to a list.
And the women are clobbering the men. If you really need more backstory than that, then WATCH THE DAMN EPISODES!
We go back to camp for the nepharious black and white post-TC, uncomfortable, is he going to blow up and take the fish, chicanery.
Unsurprisingly, Troy is the first to speak to us. What we haven't already guessed is that Troy will also be the middle person to speak to us and the last person to speak to us, with a little of the above list thrown in between his talk show.
Troy shows his grasp of the obvious by pointing out that this was his worst TC, and he is probably next in line to go. He is NOT a happy spa-goer.
He sits in awkward silence in the shelter for a moment; the silence here serving the same purpose as it does in "Alien" before a kill. All that is missing is some sort of odd mechanical humming.
The ladies inadvertently draw Troy out of his silence by Sabrina saying, "its all part of the game, nothing personal," and Christina chimes in with the suggestion that he "take it as a compliment."
Clearly, Troy believes the present situation is as impersonal and complimentary as a prostate exam.
Right there in front of the group, he asks Christina if she ever considered voting with him. Looking phenom in the black and white with her hair down, Christina crosses her sexy knee-socked legs and carefully says she was always down with the "original" plan, whatever that is.
Troy isn't to be placated so easily and wants a more direct answer from Christina. Kat mumbles in the background (off camera) that it wasn't just her, and Alicia, Christina's new best friend, tells Troy to back off.
An uncomfortable dust up results with Troy yelling and Alicia, Christina and Kat (still off camera) all speaking over each other. Troy insists he is only asking a question and tells Alicia that she isn't Christina's mother. Save that one for later.
Sabrina and Chelsea sit uncomfortably through it while Leif continues to be the silent minority. Tarzan and Kim are neither pictured nor in the discussion.
Alicia gets a confessional to tell us that Troy shouldn't attack her because she didn't vote for him. Of course, that is rhetorical nonsense since the women were splitting the vote to flush the HII.
Troy sums it all up by telling us he is mad as hell and isn't going to take it anymore. It is now Team Troyzan versus Team World. Sorry, Troy, even in the movies that doesn't work.
(Daytime at Tikiano, so back in living color.)
Troyzan approaches Chelsea and tries a new approach. He is more worthy than some in the game, not to name any names... cough... Leif, Alicia, Tarzan, (who is standing right next to Troy like Chelsea's bodyguard)... cough. So, maybe they could at least go before him.
In what is a very interesting scene that I've watched about 5 times, Chelsea first repeats Sabrina's line that it is all "just the game." Their conversation is then interrupted by a Troyzan confessional where he says everyone is crazy to tell him he should somehow be at peace with everything. Then, Chelsea is oddly shown telling him that Jonas worked hard and deserved to be there, but he "took it like a man."
This is edited to suggest that Chelsea is essentially telling Troyzan to do likewise. That works perfectly with the "men should be chivalrous" theme from early in the season. However, if you listen closely, Chelsea's first words are "I hate to say this, but you can't take it like Jonas..." So, is Chelsea telling Troyzan to "take it like a man" (no one says that phrase like a Southern girl), or is she really sympathizing with him and suggesting the opposite?
This is wrapped up with another "Troyzan Talks About Women" segment where he hilariously informs us that this is just like real life. Women get their house, their food (haha.. whuh?), and their "stuff", and then it is bye, bye guy. Awesome. Where was this guy during my adolescence?
Troyzan returns from tree mail duty with the revelation that it is time for the Survivor Auction. The women are as euphoric as a bunch of kids given a dollar for ice cream. Kitty Kat is seen clapping her hands and saying, "This is going to be so fun!" Ah... the excitability of youth.
Troyzan tells us he's going to buy an IC advantage if he can. Yes, he watches the show.
JP welcomes anyone and informs them that there will be no sharing of money or spoils. Good idea. And with that, it is on.
Chelsea buys 3 ridonkulous donuts and an iced coffee to start at a price of $160; apparently they were bought from Starbucks.
Sabrina wins the GSA award of the auction by spending $400 on some nachos and a margarita.
Leif spends $100 for a protein shake plus bananas fitting of his stature.
Kim gets the bargain of the auction when she spends a mere $40 on a shower and a toothbrush. Kat tried to spend $30 until informed that is not a multiple of $20. I wonder if the ATMs that dish out $20s give her the same problem.
I am surprised none of the women offered at least $60 for Tarzan to have a shower and his teeth brushed.
Kat then finally ends her frustration by buying a BLT and ice tea for $180. That is an especially hefty price when you consider she purchased without knowing what the "B" in BLT stood for.
JP then puts chocolate and peanut butter on the block. Kim interrupts her shower to outbid Alicia for it at a mere $240. Kim returns to the shower with her sweets, shampoo still in her hair, and water still glistening off her tan skin. She tells Alicia not to hate her. Everyone laughs.
I am not hating her at all right now. In fact, I've never been so pleased with her.
All the fun and games takes a decided turn when JP puts letters from home up for bid. Alicia immediately bids $500 and gets a note from her dad. Chelsea is crying even before Alicia gets the note. Tarzan becomes very upset as Alicia reads, leading Sabrina to eventually comfort him. Christina covers her face with her hands, and Leif remains stoic.
Alicia is crying and tells Jeff it was worth "every penny." Jeff offers more letters for $500 each. Tarzan immediately takes it. He says he'll keep the letter to himself, thankfully. Jeff tells him it puts spending the $500 on car shocks into perspective. Props to Jeff.
Kim returns from her shower and is more composed than everyone except Leif.
Troyzan has his hands on his face. JP asks him what he is missing. Troyzan tells Jeff that he is utterly alone, striking a rare poignant moment in what is for me usually an overdone and tedious affair.
Even Kim starts crying at Troyzan's proclamation. A little guilt, perhaps? No question for Chelsea, as she looks straight miserable. Christina has one of those faces that is beautiful in sadness.
Leif continues to be relatively unfazed. Props to him, merely because he is so different than me.
Jeff asks if anyone else wants to buy a letter. Only Troyzan and Christina can afford it, and neither are going for it.
Troyzan's patience pays off as JP puts an IC advantage up for auction. The women implore Christina to bid for it. She goes as high as $400 but isn't willing to go any higher, and Troyzan gets it.
The tone has changed 180% from a moment ago. Troyzan is pumped that he got the advantage and ticked that the women were trying to team up on him. He ludicrously suggests that they should have congratulated him for getting it. Sabrina, who has already made her feelings for Troyzan's antics pretty clear, belatedly and sarcastically congratulates him.
Kat outbids spendthrift Christina for the last item. When JP reveals it is a cake, Kat goes completely batsh!t, like the doors just slid back to reveal a new car. A note says the cake is for everyone. Of course, they haven't eaten in hours. They have 60 seconds to eat. They proceed.
Back to Camp
Troy reads his IC advantage. He is automatically in the last 4 of the next IC. It is an advantage, but not a great one. He is happy for it though and tells us that he hopes to scare the women to "scramble" them a little.
He then goes blatantly looking for a HII. The women watch him, concerned.
It is left to Chelsea and Kim to voice the women's concerns. Chelsea tells us that the crosshairs are on Troy's back. She also tells us that Troyzan will put more heart into the game now than most everyone else.
Kim looks like she just showered and tells us that Troyzan getting the IC advantage wasn't a "win-win." She admits he is a really smart guy who could be scary, and she hopes to get rid of him before he can do the same to her.
Kim suggests to everyone that they join Troyzan in looking for the HII to reduce his chances. A solid suggestion to be sure, but it doesn't appear anyone takes her up on it.
Troyzan pretends to find it when he sees Kim spying him. He says he hopes they are worried he has it. His hopes appear to be realized.
In the most intriguing moment of the show, Kat tries to calm the women down by saying that "everyone goes crazy when they know the entire tribe is against them, but at the end of the day, that one person never wins." Prophetic for just this show? Or longer?
IC - Challenges of the Past
The IC is the infamous review of past challenges, which is a nice excuse for production to reuse some props. There are 3 stages to the challenge with 4 people advancing past the 1st and 2 people into the 3rd and final stage.
Troyzan reveals his advantage to everyone else. He is automatically in the 2nd stage and will await 3 others.
Tarzan, Kim and Christina are the quickest at untying a huge knot and advance.
The 2nd stage is bouncing coconuts off a trampoline to hit targets; the top 2 advance. Christina shows she did the women no favors by beating Chelsea in the last stage. She can't hit a single target. Troyzan wins fairly easily and celebrates like the challenge was for the million.
He points at the women and tells them it is his island, and they can't beat him. Chelsea and Sabrina both protest.
Tarzan edges Kim to join Troyzan in the last round, which is a redux of the tic-tac-toe with a slingshot challenge.
Both get it down to one last round where each has multiple chances to win. Tarzan goes first and hits the frame. Troyzan goes second and hits the exact same spot as last time, but this time his square shakes loose and falls out. Ah... winning.
Troyzan goes into full Troyzan the Terrible mode. He pounds his chest and tells the women to not eff with him. Sabrina says he is safe for one vote. That's all. Chelsea is just getting pumped up and tells Troyzan to "bring it on." Kim seems to be enjoying the comedy act.
POST IC - The Worst Case Scenario
Everyone returns to camp. Tarzan raises his hand to say something. He tells Troyzan he likes him, but he wishes he would act more noble. You know, like lounging around in a speedo- noble. Troyzan says he is what he is, and he can hardly become someone else midstream. Tru dat.
Troyzan is still talking. He tells us that winning the necklace has made his day and ruined the day of the others. He is loving it.
With tribal looming, it is time for the twin queens to decide who is overdue for the headsman. Chelsea approaches Kim.
Chelsea says it is time for a man to go. Surprise, surprise. She says her and Kim could probably beat Lief, but it is better to learn the lesson of Vanuatu and not risk panic among the women. Kim agrees wholeheartedly.
Chelsea sits in confessional and explains everything to the rest of us. We've gotten to see Chelsea's face a lot this episode, which means its been a good episode. This is a rare time when Kim isn't the one explaining the strategy.
The camera goes to dead man wading as Leif and Tarzan are in the surf washing the IC paint off their faces. Leif admits he is probably gone. Pretty amazing considering the stellar game he's played. Tarzan can neither confirm nor deny. He says the women are being coy, and the game is probably afoot anyway.
Troy is still talking, and he lays out his plan pretty simple. Leif, Tarzan, Christina and Alicia are not the IN crowd. If they would join him, they would make five and become the IN crowd. Hey, who doesn't want that?
We see Troy talking to Tarzan, Christina and Alicia in turn. He is very convincing and uses 4 and 5 fingers to illustrate his 5 point plan titled- Operation Boot Kim.
Alicia, bless her heart for being consistent, tells us in confessional that she is no dummy. If Troyzan ends up being an immunity god, then she wants to be the first girl on his list. So, she at least has to think about it.
JP asks Troyzan about his competitive juices, which have been on full display all show. Troyzan says that's the ABCs of me, baby. The women have the gaul to all be against him, so they are asking for it.
First Chelsea and then Sabrina both protest. Are we sensing a trend here?
Chelsea tells Troyzan to not make them out to be the bad guys. He is the one getting in their faces.
Troyzan mocks her by calling himself Troyzan the Terrible and pretending to sympathize with the plight of dealing with him.
Sabrina tries to enlighten Troyzan by informing him that he needs to be nicer to win this game.
Troyzan comically tells Sabrina that she is not his mother. Haha... remember? So, Alicia is not Christina's mother and Sabrina is not his. I'm glad we have Troyzan around to sort this out.
Sabrina tells Troyzan that he can't handle the truth.
This leaves Sabrina open for attack, and Troyzan pounces. He reminds Sabrina that she lied to him and Jay and got Jay voted out. Now she is going to profess to be the paragon of truth?
Sabrina insists she didn't lie and gets into a shouting match with Troyzan that predictably ends with both insisting that they are not shouting.
Either way, it is a lose-lose for anyone arguing with Troy. The jury holds Troy in easy amusement. He is like someone else's unruly child. It is all amusing as long as you aren't the one that has to live with it.
After an uncomfortable break, Jeff asks Chelsea if she respects the fight in Troyzan. She basically admits that she does and admits that she is worried about the old Manono, which Troyzan wishes to reassemble.
Troy lays down the play similar to someone about to be sent home. Kim, Chelsea, Sabrina and Kat are the IN crowd. Everyone else is on the outs, but there are 5 of them. If they vote for Kim now, the game changes.
Jeff asks Christina about the proposition. Christina says it is simple math and puts her in an interesting position. The camera flashes to Kim and Chelsea, but neither look particularly nervous.
Alicia asks why she would trust someone now who she had not been working with and tells Jeff it all comes down to WHEN to make the move.
OK, enough is enough, time to vote.
Troy votes for Kim, calling her a great player and the best woman in the game. Leif at least has the sense to vote for Kim as well, but that is as far as that would go.
Three votes are for Tarzan. Four votes are for Leif. The women split their vote 3-3 and allowed Tarzan to boot Leif with the final vote.
In the end, Troyzan failed because he succeeded. The women are too scared of him to vote WITH him. Be careful what you wish for.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR...
The women are fighting it, and Troyzan the Terrible attacks. Yeah, right. I'll believe it when I see it.