LAST EDITED ON 03-19-12 AT 06:19 PM (EST)
Last time on Survivor-
JP: The women continued their comeback with their 3rd straight challenge win in the RC. When the other men blamed bad luck on the turnaround, Bill had the audacity to suggest the women were actually tough competitors and that the men better get their anterior and posterior wired together and get on board for the big win. So inspired were the men by this speech, especially Colton, that they first crushed the women in the IC and then forfeited immunity so that they could vote Bill out anyway. At TC, while considering a career change to motivational speaker, Bill tried to explain his differences with Colton as being one of background. In response, Colton first played student counselor in advising Bill to get a haircut and a real job, and then he vented some sexual frustration in explaining that he doesn’t associate with losers like Bill in real life and therefore sure as heck isn’t going to do it out here, which explains why he decided to go on Survivor.
In the end, Bill got the boot, and we are all square at 7 up with you-know-what coming up.
(Shots of a tumultuous ocean and then an even less serene Aloosia facial.) No, not the face I would have started the show on.
(Outside the Salon-i shelter)
Hector of Troy: Wow, you ladies are really hunkered together in there. Your bodies all almost right on top of each other, shivering: legs, bare thighs, chests, rubbing together. Us guys, me, I’m a vegetable.
The waking women wanted the deets on who suggested the men give up immunity.
Hector of Troy: Oh, that was Zoltan’s. He is the head of the ideas department. In fact, he’s its only member. The other department heads maybe were a little confused by it, but well, that isn’t their department.
Sabrina, the Tribal Head: There should be 6 of us right now, but there are 7. It seems like craziness, but I don’t question what the men are doing. The way I figure, if they can keep winning ICs, we got this game for sure.
The women discuss the fact that the men are bum-puzzled, and that the women are “going in” 7 strong. Basically all they have to do is stick together, and this game is cake. Unfortunately, women in Survivor have shown an aptitude for sticking together similar to coins rolling under a vending machine.
Aloosia: The men are dealing from the bottom of the deck. They just gave us a million dollars. I mean, not me, but someone in my general vicinity.
Both tribes gather on their play mats for a RC. JP tells everyone to drop their buffs. (Queue shot of Momica shimmying out of hers.) Good editing here.
Everyone shows why they were casted in their acting performances over the announcement. Apparently we are to believe that the men weren’t anticipating a tribal switch when they took the chance to get rid of Bill, and that the women weren’t specifically referring to such an event when they just talked about “going in” 7 strong and sticking together.
JP has everyone pick eggs filled with paint out of two bowls. This all looks very random, but strangely, one bowl is ringed in blue paint and the other in orange. There are enough separate camera shots that JP easily could have had certain players pick from the blue bowl and others from the orange. You never actually see one fluid shot showing even two players picking at once.
Hector of Troy suggests he’d like to eat his egg. Good choice if he likes blue moon.
Lo and behold, the 4 gal gist of the women’s alliance all end up safely splattered in azure while Zoltan the Gay Blade and a trio of his misfits end up the majority in the burnt orange tribe.
JP asks Kimmi if Salon-i just got better. Proving she was truthful in being skeptical of “girl power,” Kimmi says, “duh”, while Hector of Troy, Ken, and J-Mod take in Sabrina, Kitty Kat, and Chel-by-da-sea from the back side and silently agree.
Meanwhile, Man-oh-no look like someone canceled Christmas despite Momica’s best attempts to rally them. Apparently the comeliness of the females isn’t enough to prevent Nominal Aphasia, Chef Jonesy, and Frodo from feeling like Zoltan just used them poorly, while Zoltan himself looks like his country club just admitted a minority member. Aloosia, along with the other gals, is trying to put her best face on, but her smile says clearly she was hoping for some actual “men” in her tribe.
Oh, yeah, the RC itself consists of 4 tribe members filling a tub of water using another tub that has holes in it. If I remember right, I think this was one of the meaningless tasks that Mr. Miyagi had Daniel-son do.
Each tribe fills their holy bucket threes times. Showing her new found assertiveness, Momica goes all three times for Man-oh-no while the rest of her tribemates switch off. For Salon-i, J-Mod and Hector of Troy go all three times while everyone else switches off except for Chel-by-da-sea, who gets to relive high school and be a cheerleader.
Even though Man-oh-no are the first to dump their tub thrice, they of sky blue paint hauled more water and win the challenge, kicking off the biggest celebration ever elicited by PB&J. The sky blues also get to keep their beach while the losers get evicted.
JP asks Zoltan for the “hard” truth about the two new tribes. Zoltan says it is essentially the “Greek gods” against a bunch of peasants. When Momica and the only person who can make orange eye paint look sexy, Cristy Cha, both rightly protest being called peasants, Zoltan corrects to “village people,” which may or may not be a smaller insult.
(Back at Salon-i Beach, where the good times roll.)
Everyone, especially the women, are damn happy with the results of the switch. Not only do they have PB&J and coffee, but they also find crabs to spear and chickens to catch back at the beach.
Hector of Troy: I told the pastor I like it here. No one messes with you. Chicken and crabs falling from the sky. Attractive women in bikinis. The only thing you have to worry about is being voted off, and if that happens, you won’t know about it anyway. When I caught that chicken it was like, stick em and pivot, boom... Yeah, man, just like when I was back at Ridgemont High tackling halfbacks. Chel-da-by-sea and Kitty Kat cheering from the sidelines. Good times, baby!
While the others bathe, J-Mod and Hector of Troy wisely throw Ken in the boot line in front of them by telling Kimmi that he is not to be trusted. Kimmi smartly plays along and humors their idea of a coed Salon-i alliance. If she were really smart, she’d know that Ken not being trusted means he is the one guy the women would like to keep around.
Kimmi: Men and women, see, I’m all about keeping my options open. Ya know? I’m down with it either way. That’s been my thing from the beginning. When you can go either way, this is an easy game.
(Back at the new Man-oh-no Beach.)
Cristy Cha tells her tribemates that they ended up with the better beach, and everything will be fine. As the likely next boot for Salon-i, she doesn’t have to fake being happy with her new tribe.
Others don’t share her enthusiasm.
Zoltan: BEEP!! Do you see these losers they’ve put me with? Look up the neologism “suckage” in the dictionary, and you’ll find a picture of these guys. Of course, this saves me the hassle of having to talk them into giving up immunity since we’ll never have it, but still... BEEP!!
Aloosia: We have a new shelter now. It’s called Loser Lodge. We are pathetic and have no shot of winning anything. The women alone on Salon-i can wipe the jungle floor with us. (Queue shot of Nominal Aphasia tripping over some bamboo with Frodo scrambling to help him.)
The Prince and the Princess, but which is which?
Mutually sure of suckage, Zoltan and Aloosia decide pairing up is the obvious thing to do. I imagine Aloosia never saw her game turning out like this. Zoltan assures all three women that he is with them. Momica and Cristy Cha eat that up, not having much recourse otherwise. Momica even reminds Zoltan that she’s his “momma,” but rest assured she wants no part of that.
(Queue the infamous Cassandra confessional.)
Momica: Either Zoltan is with the women or he’s the puppet master, master manipulator, master of puppets, muppets person, and the women are all going down 1, 2, 3. Since I’m the strongest woman, I’d be the first to go.
Later, actually doing something that might be construed as work, Zoltan and Aloosia are talking quietly together. Zoltan first bridges the topic of voting off Cristy Cha, who Aloosia has already made it clear was on the outs. To her credit, Aloosia keeps her cool while her face makes it obvious she knows the women are the minority after all, and she knows how this is going to go down, with or without her help.
She momentarily holds her ground and insists a man be the first to go.
Zoltan then assures Chef Jonesy that he is with the men and that he is playing Aloosia like a fiddle.
Chef Jonesy: So here we are sweatin over the shelter, and I see Zoltan talking to Aloosia. It is like- seriously? This is the exact same thing he did at Man-oh-no. I just can’t believe he gets away with it. The people on his tribe are such idiots. That would never fly on my tribe, man.
Jonesy tells Zoltan- “Don’t scam me, bro,” followed by the finger point, which guarantees there will be no scamming going on up in here.
(Back at Beach Olympus.)
While everyone else is seemingly hunting for food or having their hair and make-up done, Kimmi informs us she is looking for the 2nd HII, the one meant for the women. Really, weren’t they both meant for the women?
She explains that after an exhaustive search she asked the Lord for help, and take that Bill Maher, what do you know, here it is! After immediately thanking the Lord for his guidance, apparently not thinking to ask Him for a hot fudge sundae while she was on a roll, she tells the camera man that this is “really, really good.” Hey, Wordsworth she is not.
Kimmi finds Chel-by-da-sea sun-bathing and confesses she has the HII in her crotch. Chel, bored, tells her that Hector of Troy already tried that joke on her. But no, Kimmi assures her this is the real deal (and not an effin stick). While the camera pans away, Kimmi whips it out, and Chel-by-da-sea puts it in her bag, apparently showing no hesitation in handling something that originated from such a locale.
Kimmi goes over HII 101: tell no one, get as many hooks in as possible, don’t be seen as a pair so we could warn each other (it may be too late for that, honey). And then ends blankly with, “This is awesome.” Haha.....
(Back at Camp Suckfest.)
The ladies of orange buff give us one of the funnier moments in recent Survivor history when they manage to capture a chicken by luring it into the coup their firewood came in. They are celebrating their awesomeness and good fortune when the chicken merely scoots out through the open side of the coup and is gone.
Zoltan: Let’s be honest here. These people suck at Survivor. They might be able to build shelter and fire, and gather food and water, but I mean, the important stuff of Survivor, they suck at.
Zoltan and Aloosia are in the water when Zoltan bridges the subject of voting off a woman again. This time he wants Momica gone because she’s strong while Miss Cha has no friends. Ultimately, Aloosia has no choice but to comply since Zoltan doesn’t need her vote. The funny thing is that these boot convos, at least per the edit, all occurred prior to the IC.
As if to prove not all of Survivor is orchestrated, we have an IC that certainly production would have preferred to not have if they knew the competitors in advance. Having these two particular tribes compete in this particular challenge is like having the NY Yankees take on the Bad News Bears. The outcome is certain even before the contest has began.
We get some comical action from Zoltan, some physical play, and a bikini wrestling match between Cristy and Kitty Kat, but we don’t get any real suspense. Salon-i wins easily, of course.
And that also ends Salon-i’s story for this episode.
(Back to the camp where Loser Lodge stands.)
Zoltan tells Chef Jonesy that Momica is the vote. Jonesy tells us that if being Zoltan’s byotch gets him further in the game, then there is that, proving that guys will indeed do anything for a million dollars pretax.
Aloosia, obviously already coached by Zoltan, tells Miss Cha that Nominal Aphasia is the vote. Cristy then sidles up to the Chef with a coconut (nice couple) and confirms everyone is on the same page. When Momica shimmies over, all the guys, clearly prepared for this, put on a One World show. Oh, yeah, the old man is going home alright.
Cristy Cha: Aloosia walked up to me and said Aphasia, and that was exactly what I was thinking. Its like we’re twins that were separated at birth, she and I. Frankly, watching that oaf struggle through that challenge was like watching hippos have sex. Embarrassing, really.
Momica: The guys have completely lost track of the numbers game and are willing to vote off one of their own. What a win for the women, and no, that isn’t suspicious at all.
Zoltan confers with Aphasia and Frodo and advises them that the vote is Momica. When Aphasia asks who the ell Momica is, Zoltan simply says “pink bikini” because the only aphasia capable of forgetting that is called a lobotomy.
Zoltan: I am surrounded by idiots. If I wasn’t, things would be so easy. I mean if I have to be the one to tell them what to do then the least they can do is provide my shelter, food and water. I mean, come on.
Time for TC, and this time the right tribe is showing up.
JP, of course, asks about the state of the new bunch of losers... err... I mean, tribe. Momica says it all worked out for the best. When JP asks Zoltan about Momica’s irrational optimism, he says she can take the wheel and drive, which I assume means drive right off a cliff for all he cares.
Not as good at keeping the smirk off her face, Aloosia compliments Momica before revealing that she is also a threat.
The rest of the TC is a strange step away from the game, sort of like that boring segment of Jeopardy where the contestants talk a little about themselves, as JP talks to Nominal Aphasia about his vocab and his inability to remember names. JP asks him to name all of his tribemates. He does so while struggling with Momica’s name, who everyone was just talking about, and Chef Jonesy, an alliance-mate of his from the beginning.
This is all good humor, but also meaningless. With Aloosia on board, it doesn’t matter; the old man can vote for Bozo the Clown if he wants.
It is time to vote, which means it is shortly time for Momica to go home.
Her and Cristy Cha act equally stunned, but whether that is due to the blindside or the fact that Aloosia voted with the men, or both, who knows.
JP ends TC with his tired point about a weak team voting off its strongest member. Yada, yada, yada... You just stay on that end, Jeff, and you’ll be fine.
Next time on Survivor- Zoltan ups his jerkdom to Defcon 4, and we might have a medivac. Joy joy.