LAST EDITED ON 11-04-11 AT 07:06 PM (EST)
This season, Survivor tried to get some cross-promotion with the network's newest program so they made a season with:
Persons of No Interest.
CBS has a secret system--a machine that spies on you every hour of every day. I know...because Micheal Emerson built it. He designed the machine to detect entertaining acts and people with extraordinary skills but it sees everything...trivial events involving ordinary people, boring people, people that Hollywood moguls considered irrelevant. They wouldn't cast them for any real acting jobs so the Survivor casting department decided they would inflict them on us.
It’s a wonder that the series is still going on considering, this season, we had the following:
A disgraced Ex-Miss Washington and a Future Playmate of the Month that left the game like Two Broke Girls.
A Loud-Mouth Mortician that tried out for the American Hidden Idol hoping it would be her X Factor but wound up without a clue.
We had to listen to “$#*! That Semhard Said” which left us quite flaccid.
We saw a gay police officer that gave new meaning to “America’s Most Wanted”.
In camp, we still have Dawn who said: “I am a mom and I am playing for All My Children.”
There’s this Woody Allen wannabee that makes up only ½ man and continues to have his Life Unexpected-ly saved.
We have this guy who showed us his Criminal Intent when he ogled the Future Playmate.
A voiceless country singer and a jock who are in “Mad Love”.
An anesthesiologist who is so numb that she tells everyone to “Lie to Me” with a smile.
And there are still quite a few Persons Unknown. (All two of us watching that show remember how bad that ended.)
We also have a couple of the Biggest Losers returning for a third time. One of them just turned himself into the Human Target, trying for the biggest move ever on Survivor. You can get all the details here in KO_fan’s funny summary of last week episode.
Now, the burning question is whether or not Oscar’s big move will succeed. Will he return to the game and help his tribe gain numbers after the merge? We have seen some big moves like this in the past: Candice mutinied to help Raro gain numbers before the merge and JT sent an idol to a villain to keep him in the game and become a post-merge hero. Those moves could have been The Event of the season but ended up being their Downfall.
Even the season’s name was an attempt to throw us Off The Map but everyone knew they were back in Samoa. If you looked closely, you saw remnants of Hantz’s hat which Sandra had burned at the end of season 20. It was right there at the 6:20 mark of episode 3.*
Jeff started the episode by asking: “Can Cochran become a Master spy?” but really, it was about:
He’s leaving Home
Little Cochran was amazed that he was allowed to stay up so late and continue playing with the big kids in camp Safari. He was ready to go to bed on Redemption Island but, with a little help from his friend Ozzy, he stayed in camp, singing Kumbaya by the fire.
Even better, the older kids had invented a game for him to play: He would pretend to be a double agent, infiltrate the enemy in the Zoopolu tribe and report back to his friends! Cochran was going to try his best and with a little help from his friends, he might just succeed. He would play any part they wanted him to play, even the villain.
He gladly told us the rules of the game: “First you get the egomaniac returning player voted out, then you get his idol, then you pass go and get the million dollars.”
On Redemption Island, we saw some nameless woman resting in the shelter. It looked nice: She had fixed the hole where the rain got in but she had trouble stopping her mind from wandering. “Who will be next, who will come to my door. It’s always silly people running around worrying and they never understand why they can’t beat me. I am where I belong and they will never win.”
Right then, she heard someone standing there. She turned around to see who it was.
When she heard: “This is Ozzy”, she thought: “Oh! Sh*t!”
So now, let me introduce to you the one and only Oscar Lust:
It was 18 days ago today
Ozzy taught the Safaris to play
They’ve been going up and down with style
But they’re guaranteed to keep a smile.
Ozzy told us: “It’s wonderful to be here, it’s certainly a thrill
I’ll have such a lovely audience
To listen to my great plan:
The first step was getting myself voted out.
Second step is getting her to believe that.
Third step is beating her and giving false information to the other tribe.
The move is either the craziest thing I could have done or the ballsiest move I could have thought of.
Hopefully after this, Jeff will tell us that we are merged so that they can all take me home with them.
At the duel arena, we saw both tribes assembling in the bleachers.
Coach looked surprised when he saw Oscar walking in behind a woman.
But he had already seen who was missing on the other side.
It was pretty easy to figure out what Coach was thinking:
“I’ve got to admit it’s getting better
A little better all the time
I have to admit it’s getting better
It’s getting better than last time.
Me used to be angry old man
I used to be cruel to my tribe
Man, I was a jackass
But I am changing my scene
He gave me the word
I finally heard
And I’m doing the best that I can.
I admit it’s getting better
A little better than Oscar.”
Oscar tried to sell his story but the Zoopolus weren’t buying it.
Undeterred, Oscar went on with the charade, even pretending exasperation by choking up in anger.
He said he would come back into the game for revenge.
He was trying to win an oscar but he got a razzie instead.
Time for the challenge and, as soon as it started it was over.
Jeff tried his best to make it interesting, saying things like:
“You have to find it within you or we will be without you.”
(yes, I think Jeff deserves the crappy song...)
Ozzy had retrieved his three keys while the other contestant was still building her pole.
Oscar was so proud of himself.
The fate of his big move now rested in the hands of Cochran
(Oscar didn’t seem to see any problems with that part of the plan…)
The next scene was the merge feast:
Picture yourself on a beach by the ocean
With bottles of beer and all sorts of pies
The 12 Safaris and Zoopolus together,
the whole ménagerie had their heads in the clouds.
Nothing to do to save their lives,
Talk about the wife.
Nothing to say but what a day, how’s your boy been.
Nothing to do, it’s up to you
I’ve got nothing to say but it’s O.K.
Good Merge, Good merge…
After a while you start to smile now you feel cool.
Then you decide to take a walk with the old coot.
Nothing had changed, the game was back on…
Who was about to play the fool?
Cochran was ready to tell the story for the benefit of Coach.
“There will be a show tonight.
The Safaris will all be there,
We will dance and sing
My production will be second to none.”
Cochran said it felt like it was the rebirth of the nerd
But, as soon as Cochran started with Oscar’s story,
Coach put up his hand:
“I don’t believe a single word.
If I was older, losing my hair,
Many years from now,
maybe you could feed me that line
Our tribe isn’t budging.
Your tribe came up with a story,
You sent Ozzy to Redemption,
You have an idol in your pocket,
Your favorite drink his cow’s milk
You wear boxers, not briefs
You still live with your mom,
And you play video games until she tells you it’s time for bed.
Right then, you could tell that little Cochran was in over his head.
He wanted to play spy but didn’t expect to get cornered like this.
A refusenik sent to the gulags by a KGB officer is how he felt.
He couldn’t believe how smart Coach was to have figured all that out.
He also must have a machine.
<From where I am sitting, anyone that is impressed by Coach’s intellect must not be that smart himself. Is he really going to Harvard Law school? I guess they let anyone in nowadays.>
After all this, one thing was clear: Little Cochran didn’t come all the way to the South Pacific just to pick rocks. The Safari was about to begin…or end, depending on which side of the cross-hairs you stood.
After spilling the beans to Albert and Sophie, Cochran then turned to Hantz-iniz-Pantz (you know because he has the Hantz jeans). Hantz-iniz-Pantz promised protection from all of the Safaris.
Even if he was about to sell him out, Cochran made a magnanimous (!) gesture and returned the idol to Oscar. He wasn’t an evil villain after all!
What made him most proud was that he will get to decide how Survivor South Pacific takes shape and possibly ends.
<You mean like down the crapper? Pagonging is always so much fun, especially when the merge is at 12.>
Day 21 started with Cochran and Dawn talking in the woods.
<I know, where did day 20 go? Maybe we’ll hit day 39 before the end of this episode! Now, that would be something. A Fast Forward with Jeff saying: Subsequently…On Survivor, the game got so boring that these people were sent to Redemption island but none of them would make it to the end so we will move ahead to the Final immunity challenge and then the final vote...and that’s all the time we have folks. Come back next season.>
Anyway, it was apparent that Safari’s big plan was dead because Dawn wanted to know Cochran’s real plan.
<21 days and she still doesn’t know that he’s a man without a plan>
Cochran was talking about a revote and the possibility of drawing rocks.
Dawn figured maybe both of them should flip.
Dawn said Cochran reminded her of one of her sons. She was sad that things weren’t working out for the tribe.
They went back to camp with tree mail announcing the next challenge.
<No, I will not try to write what the parchment said. I never give a crap about those. Blah-Blah-Blah, one of you will be safe…>
It was one of those mock-endurance challenge, you know, the kind that’s not really about endurance because Jeff is too big a star to spend all that time in the sun. I’m guessing you will want details. I know some watch mostly for these little games so, if I must:
Jeff showed that there were two necklaces.
The Coconut tribe learned that they will have to be careful not to drop their coconuts on their toes.
They would have to balance on a small perch while holding the coconut on their nose…no, no, just kidding.
They will be holding the coconuts between two ropes.
At intervals, the players would add more rope to make this quicker.
There would be one immunity for the men and one for the women (even if the women weren’t really at risk: In all the seasons of Survivor only Gretchen, Jamie, Eliza and Alina were voted out by the full cast at the merge.)
Cochran lasted only seconds longer than “Lie-to-Me” who was first to drop her coconuts. At least, he isn’t the weakest girl in camp anymore!
The blonde half of “Mad Love” was next out of the challenge.
We were down to two women, Dawn and the one that is attached to Coach’s hip.
Most of you were probably pulling for Dawn so this challenge worked out well for you.
We still had to find our male winner.
Coach was the next to drop his coconut. He was quickly followed by a guy in a cowboy hat not named Colby so who cares.
Jim and Keith dropped out seconds before the end of the second round leaving Oscar as the lone Safari left against 2 Zoopolus; Hantz-iniz-Pantz and “Little-Coach”
The Big Guy wasn’t on the side of Hantz-iniz-Pantz because he dropped the coconut and “Little-Coach” wasn’t far behind.
Jeff yelled out the usual: “Ozzy wins immunity.”
The tribe returned to the newly named Te Tuna camp.
Te Tuna is the creator of all coconuts. Look it up, it is a fascinating story.
(I lost a minute of my life googling it so I need a bit of revenge!!)
By the way, is it me or are the merge names getting weirder every season? I hardly remember them anymore. Even Dabu was better than the last two we’ve had.
The old Safaris were happy to have reduced the numbers of rocks their tribe would have to pick.
Ozzy and Jimbo wanted to see if everyone was solid with picking rocks.
That is the dumbest strategy ever. The Purple Rock isn’t a tie-breaker, it’s a tie-preventer. You have to be dumb to let your game be decided by a rock but it is a good bluffing tool. Isn’t Jim a poker player? Shouldn’t he have figured out that the Zoopolus were bluffing?
I know, I digress but writing this crap is taking me away from the discussion everyone else is having so I want to catch-up and put in my two cents.
(Two cents? I usually put in a whole dollar…)
Oscar decided that Whitney should play the idol because the other tribe would never think of voting for Whitney so they will think that Whitney won’t get the idol so they will therefore vote for Whitney. Cochran said he would try to figure out who Zoopolu is voting for because then they would know who they aren’t voting for.
Got that? Made me a little dizzy just writing it.
Walking away from his tribe, Cochran said he didn’t really care about the numbers, that even 1 in 30 wouldn’t be good.
So, with that, Cochran went to Sophie and told her Safari’s whole plan.
He then told her that he was worried the Safaris would beat him up so he asked her for protection.
Not very subtly, the camera then showed us Jim pounding on a coconut with a big piece of bamboo.
Cochran brought his fears to Coach, saying: “They are going to tear me apart tonight.”
Coach was reassuring: “You are sleeping right between me and “Lie-to-me”.
What?!! Did Coach just put the little Asian woman in charge of protecting Cochran? Or maybe she offers massages with “happy endings” and Coach is pimping her out? I am thinking of the latter because Coach then added: “Or you can have Sophie if you want. You have “carte blanche”.”
It’s rare that a nerd has so much action so no wonder he flipped!
Coach told us that Coahcran would be the man of the match, that the weak would finally become strong. That the nerd would rise up to the bully. That the frog would become the bull. That the mouse would get the cat. That the meek will inherit the Earth. That the last will be first…That…Ha! Shut up!
(Telling Coach to shut up felt really good!)
Dawn asked one more time what Cochran was going to do even if she knew his intentions.
Dawn told us that she wasn’t ready to flip anymore but that Cochran was leaving home anyway.
“He’s leaving home”,
she said, sitting alone,
She broke down and cried,
“My baby’s gone
Why would he treat us so thoughtlessly?
How could he do this to me?
What did we do that was wrong?
We didn’t know it was wrong,
Something inside that was always denied,
He is leaving home.”
But I don’t want him to do it.
Mr Obvious asked Coach if it would be a six-six tie.
Coach said “most certainly”
Oscar agreed and said that it was good they had both immunity necklaces.
Dawn said that big stakes are worth big risks
(I’m thinking that if you lose then you get some big steaks but nothing more)
Jeff had another brilliant observation: The only way to avoid a tie was if somebody flipped. He turned to Lie-to-me and said: “You should flip because no one likes you in your tribe.”
Lie-to-me was surprised to hear that because she felt incorporated in her tribe.
Cochran said that he had never seen two tribes being so cohesive.
(I guess he forgot about Australia where it all came down to Kimmi’s revelation)
One member of Zoopolu talked about the show that Oscar had delivered at the dueling arena and was waiting to see if he had lied about the idol.
Sophie told Jeff that they were offended by Safari’s show.
Seeing that he was busted, Oscar said he did have the idol.
Jeff sent them to vote.
Returning with the urn, it was time to see if an idol would be played.
Ozzy stood up and said he was playing it for Whitney.
We saw Sophie smiling, realizing that Cochran had told them the truth.
As expected the vote went 6-6 between Rick and…Keith.
We had a revote and, just as expected, Cochran flipped, sending Keith to Redemption Island.
Immediately, he turned to Ozzy and Jim saying that he had swapped and would explain later.
Jim wasn’t in the mood for an explanation. “Coward” was all he could say.
Hantz-iniz-Pantz came to Cochran’s defense: “Don’t talk to him like that. That’s what you get for talking to people like that in the first place.”
Jeff told them that this was the biggest move in the game by far.
Hantz-iniz-Pantz patted Cochran on the back while Ozzy sulked as his biggest move ever had already been trumped.
As they walked out of the Council area, Hantz-iniz-Pantz told Cochran to stay close to him.
He does make for a better bodyguard than Edna but maybe not as fun!
And, in the end, we heard Keith’s thoughts on Redemption island:
“I had the boot today oh boy
From a weasel nerd that made the flip
And though the news was rather sad
I just had to laugh.
Thinking they’ll blow his mind out in the hut.”
Next week on Survivor, someone else will have to do this summary.
PS. Many people had trouble understanding the concept of The Beatles’ “Sgt Pepper” album. Who knew it was about Survivor?!
Thank you for reading.
PPS. I know that not all the shows listed in the season's recap have been cancelled but they should!
PPPS * Did I make you watch?