A Trojan Horse and a Pack of Trojans
I have been away from the boards for a long, long time, and this is my first season back at spoilers so I came over here and volunteered to write a summary since it looked like there was a big need. I prayed every night and all day each and every day that God would give me a good episode to reflect upon, some juicy tidbits to make snarky comments and some softballs to hit written home runs with.
I must have done something right because God has answered my prayers and delivered an episode none-the-likes we have ever witnessed before in 22 previous seasons on the show. God must have been working overtime to get me what I selfishly wanted for my own personal gain. ‘Cause really folks, we know that God watches reality TV and grants prayers only to those truly deserving. Right?
I make no apologies for the length of this summary. It might have been faster to just watch the dang episode. Sue me if you don’t like it. But do me a favor, get Cochran as your lawyer, the dude is inept as all get out. Thanks.
Cue music…Perversely on Survivor (Blind Freddy that was just for you)
Christine still on a courageous roll to defeat all comers at Redemption Island arena beats what’s her face in a nail biting edge of the seat game of shuffle puck. She is now a force to be reckoned with, after-all she has battled Semhar, Papa Bear, Stacey, and the dark haired pretty chick and just barely whooped them by the smallest of margins. She is dangerously close to winning her way back into the game.
Ozzy the free agent kisses and makes up with his tribe while transmitting the flaming oral herpes that he got during the feeding frenzy challenge. Coaches tribe is splintered by the decision of voting out the strong challenge hound Mikayla over the weak and useless, unless you need your shirt laundered, Edna. It’s not even worth mentioning that Brandon has yet another meltdown at TC so I’ll skip it.
Under ominous cloudy skies and a full moon Upolu returns to camp and Edna tells us that Brandon is a loose cannon but that it is helping her game. Coach then says he is going to take that cannon and shoot Brandon in the head if he pulls that crap again. This game is all about kill or be killed. That Coach, he slays me!
Redemption Island Duel
Albert and Sophie, Ozzy and Cochran sit quietly as Jeff explains the challenge to everyone. The players have to take the slats of a crate apart, then build a puzzle bridge, cross it, tag the other box, disassemble the bridge while throwing out the pieces they don’t need and then take the pieces they do need to complete a puzzle. Oh boy, another puzzle! Wonder what it is? Wonder if there are clues, signs, omens, harbingers? I’m so excited I could just pee!
They start taking the crates apart and Christine is pulling from the bottom taking 4-5 slats at a time, Mikayla grabs one at a time. Jeff of course runs his mouth and tells Christine’s strategy out loud, this should help Mikayla. Mikayla still doesn’t change her one handed technique. Albert shouts out for Mikayla to pull them up from the bottom. You would certainly think this would help Mikayla. She continues to use one hand.
Jeff states the obvious, this is a do or die situation, I think I can even hear Christine humming Pat Benatar as she assembles her bridge and mumbles I will be in-VINCE3-ible…
Christine is close to finishing her bridge and Mikayla has misplaced a piece and has several others to go, Albert shouts out help to Mikayla “The right side, right side” to which she goes to her left side, then to the front, to the back, scratches her leg, looks up, stands on the crate and finally sees the missing piece on the right side and grabs it.
Jeff comments that Mikayla is getting some help from her former tribemate and notes that Christine was a former member of that tribe too. He reminisces back to the first duel where Christine showed her disdain for anything Upolu and swears they will all burn in H-E double hockey sticks. Next he mentions the bird that was flipped at Rick in front of Ozzy at the last duel, remember how cute that was?
If I had to guess, anybody, let me say that again ANYBODY who has sat through a duel at RI should know that if Christine makes it back into the game she would never rejoin her old tribe. Christine would defect to Savaii as quick as Jay Leno could crack a joke, as fast as greased lightning, and as sure as the sun will come out tomorrow, you can bet your bottom dollar on that one. I digress.
Christine finishes her bridge and tags out and since she is getting no verbal help from Albert, Jeff decides to spell things out for her. “Now take the bridge apart, you are looking for the patterned pieces, if they are blank you don’t need them.” Just in case Mikayla didn’t understand Jeff’s help, Albert shouts to Mikayla “Toss the good ones at the box”.
Jeff doesn’t want to be out-done by Albert so defiantly he tells Christine as she is putting the puzzle together “this is a pattern you should be familiar with after all these trips to redemption island arena. It is the symbol of redemption island arena. No, really, look, it is right here.” Then he goes on and on saying with every puzzle there are clues, signs, omens, harbingers…
Mikayla finishes the puzzle first but has the arms and legs upside down. Jeff says “No! You are as close to the answer as when Burton spelled liason, adjust and try again!” While Mikayla is readjusting her bra strap and trying to figure out what she did wrong, Albert isn’t yelling to her what two pieces to swap because I think he gave up on her much the same way Coach gave up on her in the slingshot challenge, Christine finishes her puzzle and is correct. Christine is a force to be reckoned with! Mikayla shuts her big ears off in challenges and can’t hear a thing!
Mikayla, says her teary goodbyes, burns her bra and sneaks off with her buff around her oobies. Jeff notices and makes her give up her buff too. A topless Mikayla wanders off crying down the path into the jungle alone. Sure glad Brandon wasn’t witness to this challenge, he would have burned his eyeballs out and blown a gasket. On second thought…oh never-mind.
We hear Ozzy’s take on things: “Christine has won 5 duels in a row. If we do merge she could go back with them. Or she could come with us. I think we need to send someone to redemption island who has a chance to beat her” Huh?!? Thus planting the seed for his big move.
Ya know, he may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, he may not have the best social game in the history of the Survivor, but he sure does look good with a bare butt exposed while climbing into a hot tub, mmmmmm eye candy.
On the way back to camp, Ozzy pulls Cochran aside and spills his Worst Case Scenario Plan. Cochran listens intently as he is told that if they lose the immunity challenge and since they have no idea if Christine will side with Savaii or not (yeah, really), his WCSP is to go to redemption island himself so that he can wipe the ground with Christine’s snot bubbles as she gasps her last breathe in the game. Thus insuring that a loyal Savaii will be back at merge to make the numbers even 6-6 instead of having the numbers be even 6-6 with the shoe in Christine and no slimy weasel Cochran to deal with post merge when he can do the most damage…Is Ozzy making a deal with the devil? Or does he just want to “sac up” and make the
stupidest boldest move in history as his legacy, win or fail?
Cochran loves the idea of Ozzy falling on his
face sword for the tribe especially since it buys himself 3 more days in the game. He is amazed that Ozzy has changed from a whiny, hissy fit, beotch into a man in just a day.
Cut to an Upolu beach somewhere away from the rest of the tribe for a cameo Coach chi performance that looks like he is auditioning for the Next Next Karate Kid. He practices his moves while the calm peaceful music plays and the sun is shown fully engulfing his fluid body, every muscle is relaxed yet taut, every fiber of his being is one with nature.
He is praying to HIS God, you know the one who already showed him where the hidden immunity idol is. It really wasn’t the camera man pointing his camera at the tree that Coach had just been in, it was Coaches God that showed him the way. Coach comes up with this great plan that since his tribe is down in the dumps, he needs his God to show the tribe where the hidden immunity idol is to give them a lift. It’s in his freaking pants y’all!!!
He thanks his God for all that he has given him so far and assures his God that he will be asking for plenty more. In fact next time he will bring his pack of Trojan Warriors with him and as a group they will ask for more and more self serving ridiculous wishes as though God were a genie in a bottle.
Anyway, he is blathering on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on about how he is not worthy. We know that! Enough already!! Pass the barf bucket!!! Please, for the love of my God, shut him up!!!!!
Alas, no such luck. Now we see Coach back at camp trying to unite his pack of Trojans and get them pumped up with false hopes going into the merge as a group of six. He advises them to all go out and look for the hidden immunity idol, Brandon helps by reciting the clue he memorized:Not fully in the jungle,
Not fully on the beach,
Not on the ground,
It is just within reach.
Praise be to God,
Open your eye socket,
The Idol you desire,
Is in Coaches POCKET
He misspoke the last part and nobody could understand him so the entire pack of Trojans held hands and bowed heads and Coach lead them in a fake prayer. Sophie knew it was fake, Albert too knew it was fake. But they went along with Coach and faked it too and prayed hard with all their might. They threw in that they wanted God to help with the Immunity Challenge later. And while you are at it can we pray for world peace? No? Ah heck, OK. We know how God loves reality TV and the peace of the world can take a back seat.
OMG, I can’t believe it actually worked! Brandon, Albert, Rick all climbing in the trees, Edna scrounging around on the ground, all looking desperately. But out of nowhere here comes Coach and Sophie with Tree Mail and a hidden immunity idol! Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Oh thank his God!
Should I pick on Coach for pronouncing the tree-mail word respite as re-spite? As in he voted him to redemption island the first time out of spite but the second time out of respite. Naw, too easy.
The Reward/Immunity Challenge- Jack and Jill
Each tribe had to pair up and paint themselves as twins, identical to each other, but different from all other pairs. Some of the outfits were hilarious. I would have thought that Jim needed to use white paint all over his body before painting himself up so that he could really be a twin with Cochran. Or, Cochran could have painted his translucent skin brown and then applied the tribal mask. Even all painted up Cochran stood out like a turd in a punchbowl. A white turd in a punch bowl.
Jeff tells them all about the challenge, blindfolded pairs, callers getting them through obstacles and untying bags of puzzle pieces, bring them back and still blindfolded they need to sort the pairs. The winning team gets a sneak peek at the movie “Jack and Jill” starring Adam Sandler as well as all the accoutrement (ie: popcorn, candy, hot dogs and stuff) that you would expect to go along with it.
I remember “Jack and Jill” from when I was a little kid. So, to cut to the chase and recap the challenge I have decided to do it in Jack and Jill format.
Coach and Trojans prayed to God,
that they’d be victorious after,
God looked down,
and tried his best,
to not choke on his laughter.
Brandon and Edna took a turn,
Coach instructed them to duck,
but Edna didn’t,
The beam her head it struck.
Over and under the pairs they went,
The obstacles they were odd,
Savaii took the lead,
The Trojans then recaptured,
Their destiny was made by God.
Keith and Dawn came back clipped on,
Per Jim’s instructions shouting
Cochran messed up,
Could not clip the pair,
Which left poor Ozzy pouting.
Upolu wins immunity and reward! Coach demands his Trojans get down on their knees right then and there. While still blindfolded and handcuffed get on your knees. Get down on your knees he implores as they obey and together as one united and happy family of true believers, they pray. They thank Coaches God for giving them this victory! Brandon is so happy to have God on his tribe!
Ozzy is attacking the wall with his foot and slapping things and acting all crazy, crazier than I’ve seen anybody act after a challenge. Jeff stands back as he questions Ozzy about how he is feeling. Well, duh Jeff, he is frustrated and pissed off that they lost and now he has to resort to WCSP.
Cochran in confessional then tells us that he is wondering if Ozzy will stick to his WCSP as stated before the challenge? He admits to blowing the challenge, that it was his fault. Who can blame Cochran though? He took classes at Harvard to become a lawyer, not a mountain climber who could hook and unhook a carabeener. Not a doctor who could cut and unravel an umbilical cord. And CERTAINLY not a porn star who was used to dealing with couples who are blindfolded and shackled together, although the name Cochran would make a great porn name. Geesh, give the guy a break. Hasn’t he been Ozzstricized enough?
Not much to say here. They stuffed their faces, watched the preview. Coach is a rabid Adam Sandler fan. Nobody ate so much that they puked. Except me when Coach said that his unruly pack of Trojans was now a family. I thought the Trojan was supposed to prevent a family…
Savaii aftermath and Tribal Council
Cochran admits to the tribe and that he should go to redemption island. Everyone gets on the band wagon and discusses how Cochran can beat Christine. They put pom poms on and cheer him on and tell him to believe in himself, that he can win, blah blah blah.
But Cochran knows that the best way for Savii to get the upper hand at the merge is to send in Ozzy as a Trojan Horse and make sure that he annihilates Christine rather than send himself the court jester who would do nothing more than do a little dance, make a little love, and get down tonight. He knows that this won’t win the challenge but it might get a few laughs. I bet Coaches God would laugh.
The tribe continues to try to psyche Cochran up and talk him into going to redemption island and defeating big bad Christine the challenge hound. They all believe that he can do it. First off, why do they need to convince him of anything, they vote, he is out numbered, he goes to RI and gets his butt kicked. Secondly, they have all seen him
perform mess up every challenge he has been a part of. Unless the challenge at RI is Survivor trivia or writing a legal brief, no amount of pep talk will do it for him. The tribe decides to sleep on it.
Not a good move. Ozzy wakes up from this crazy dream, in fact I’m not so sure that he wasn’t still dreaming. Cochran may have slipped him a mushroom in the middle of the night. I think Ozzy was channeling both Phillip and Lex. He had a dream and a gut feeling that he needed to get himself to redemption. The question is, will the tribe go along with his plan?
Ozzy starts by bringing his little immunity idol to camp and shows the others and asks if they want to touch it. Ew. Then he says to Cochran that he can have it and that he wants to be the one voted to redemption. Ozzy thinks he has better odds. He says this with a straight face, really.
The tribe doesn’t take the news well, except for Cochran who is all for it. Jim tells us that if they vote Ozzy out and the merge doesn’t happen, then Dawn becomes their 3rd guy and Cochran becomes their 4th guy. Doesn’t he know that he is insulting Dawn as much if not more with this statement?
At tribal council Jeff asks about the finger pointing that happened at camp after the challenge. Ozzy laughs and says that there was plenty. Cochran talks about his inept effort at getting the ropes untangled and clipped properly. Everyone agrees that he was inept. Jeff nods his head in agreement.
Next Cochran explains that he hopes redemption island can work in their favor. Curious Jeff raises an eyebrow, nowhere near as cute as the way Phil does on TAR, and asks Dawn what does he mean by that? She replies that if they send somebody to redemption island that can beat Christine and then we merge, we can even up the numbers 6-6.
Jeff does a double take. “Are you crazy? Why would Cochran come back to Savaii after you vote him out, and how do you possibly think that he could beat Christine?” He spends the next 5 minutes laughing so hard he is in tears and can’t speak. Finally he gets serious again.
Ozzy speaks up “Jeff, we aren’t going to send Cochran to redemption island, he convinced us that he couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag. If he were a snake slithering on the ground looking for a meal and a rat was right there in front of him, he’d have to have his mommy come over and cut it up into bite size pieces for him. This kid could not survive a day on his own alone, let alone with mean old challenge hound Christine.”
Jeff asks “So what are you going to do?”
Ozzy replies “I have asked to be sent to redemption. This is my chance to make a bold move. To go where no man has gone before. To shine like a new dime. To be the hero of my tribe and give us a chance to defeat Coach and his Trojans and his God. I, Jeff, am going to be the Trojan Horse and roll in there and bust up their plans. And, I have the hidden immunity idol.”
Jeff incredulous says “What will you do with the idol?”
Ozzy proclaims “I’m going to give it to Cochran for safe keeping. I know I’m going to get it back tomorrow when we merge.”
Jeff is almost speechless. I said almost. “You do realize that by executing this hair brained WCSP if it doesn’t work, you will be the laughing stock of Survivor. You will go down as the stupidest player of all time. More stupid than James, more stupid than Erik, more stupid than JT, more stupid than Jason believing that fake idol was real, more stupid than yourself, right?”
Ozzy “Yeah. But at least I will go out on my terms.”
It is time to vote and the vote sequence was a morph of players walking to the voting confessional and when they stepped behind a column morphed into the next voter and next etc, that was actually kinda cool.
Jeff reads the votes and indeed the tribe acquiesced to Ozzy’s wishes and sent him to redemption island with snuffed torch in hand.
What happens next time on Survivor? Oh my heck I don’t know, what do I look like, a spoiler or something? Make sure to come back next week for an episode summary by Michel, it’s bound to be a great one!
I'm not sure who came first hosting games, you or Tribe, but you are both nefarious! - CTGirl