LAST EDITED ON 10-25-11 AT 07:17 PM (EST)
(Edited for legal reasons.)
Alright, the days all go by too damn fast. As the more concise summary seems to have its fans, I'll go again with the less is more approach.
So, SumSum... Here... We... GO...
(Almost entirely from memory or the lack thereof, which means there will likely be inaccuracies, and there will assuredly be stuff I just completely made up.)
Last time on Survivor... Coach and Ozzy returned to the game for a shot at redemption, and Brandon is Russell Hantz' nephew.
Coach's power continued to grow as he had an alliance of 5 with Edna as his personal 6th/attendant/masseuse/therapist. Even after Christine and Stacey let loose at RI on his game and refused to recognize his Coachness, he quickly recovered by finding the HII with his allies to be named later.
Meanwhile, Ozzy's power was slipping. As Oz took a siesta in the hammock, Jim conspired with the rest of the tribe to oust Ozzy's closest ally.
As Cochran said, "Ozzy is acting like the 22nd level necromancer who expects the group's 15th level warriors to fight on the frontline and take all the blows while he casts spells over our shoulders."
At a frenzied, and disgusting, IC, Coach's team pulled out what has to be one of the greatest upsets in recent Survivor history considering the mouths on the other tribe.
Savii went to TC where Ozzy wanted Cochran, but the conspiracy is afoot and Elyse goes home.
And the drama continues...
Club Savvy (post-TC dimness)
The Ozzinator is very put out. In a valium-induced monotone, he tells us that he, Keith and Whitney had a good thing going, and they just decided to rain on that party without even telling him. He informs us that is the opposite of how alliances are supposed to act.
So much for Oz not having a grasp on this game, he seems to have a better grasp on what just happened than the rest of his tribe.
Keithney are faux shocked. In true customer service fashion, the better half of Keithney tells Ozzy it wasn't personal. Well, of course, honey, it is NEVER personal for the one on the other end of the taser.
Showing his thoughts on the subject, the Oz reenacts his greatest moment on the show by spitting and telling them with steely eye, "Mutineers die first."
He also informs them he has the HII. So take THAT! I'm not sure anyone was listening because this fact seems to be ignored for the remainder.
Roll Credits Roll
Club Savvy (next morning)
The Oz is fishing and still talking to us. Basically, he tells us that he's a fishing god and that those effin people have no idea on how to run a tribe.
Jimmy Vegas continues to be surprised that the Oz is STILL carrying on. After all, it IS the next day. What Ozzy really needs is some good smoke, and all that other stuff will just float away.
The amazingly well-groomed half of Keithney- was there a salon reward I missed?- says if they wanted to vote for Ozzy, they could have. Hey, I think you've got something there. If you were man enough to think you could win challenges without Ozzy, you would have kept that sweet thing around.
Checking first to make sure Ozzy is far enough away to not hear him, the Coch-train endears himself to his new buddies by calling Ozzy a "stupid byotch."
Easy there, Parvati. A man has to know his limitations.
Coach reminds us he has the idol and only his allies on a need-to-know basis know. He is slightly uncomfortable with leaving the Nephew of Hantz out of the loop, but he also sagely explains that he doesn't need this information making its way into the Hantz's weekly sermon.
Amen, brother. None of us need that.
The No Longer Silent Albert condescendingly gives Coach props for knowing enough to point the loaded shotgun away from his own face.
Brandon apparently has been hit by the revelation that there is an HII somewhere lurking. Unfortunately, he has not been struck by coinciding wisdom that HIIs are typically found within the first 10 days, or by the more obvious oddity that neither Coach nor Albert appear to be making any effort to look for the HII themselves, even after he has shared the clue with them.
Instead, they merely stand there with strange smirks on their faces. His uncle would have figured this out in about 10 seconds.
Coach goes on some overly dramatic diatribe about his "horrors" from Zeros V. Veggies, perhaps referring to a hangover he had at Ponderosa. This, of course, is all just an excuse to remind us for the umpteenth time that Brandon IS RUSSELL'S NEPHEW.
As they flash to shots of He Forever Named walking the beach, I have to agree. I haven't seen anything that frightening since the last episode of SpongeBob.
Alright, it is time for our weekly divergence at RI where the irrelevant and the irreverent duel for everlasting agony.
Christine, named after the possessed car- I presume, and the rose petals fall at her feet, Elyse, enter the arena with the Oz, half of Keithney, Ricky Bobby, and Some Chick there to watch.
JP gives Elyse her last chance at being of note, but she seems strangely content with her fate and sings Kumbaya.
JP then goes Roy Firestone and asks Christine how she is coping. She breaks into tears and explains to us how we don't understand the pressures that come with hating the world.
JP then explains that the duel is a game of shuffleboard. She who has the last disc standing or whose martini goes dry first, wins.
Like she has in nearly all the duels against her Murderer's Row competition, Christine gets off to an early lead. Ricky Bobby tries to encourage her, and Christine responds with a one finger salute.
Smart, because like Coach said earlier, you can never have too many friends.
Elyse draws it close to heighten the agony of her defeat. Elyse tells us all how strong she is before burning her buff. However, since she isn't wearing her bikini, JP isn't even listening.
We go back to the beach of little drama where Ricky Bobby and Some Chick waste a couple minutes of our life to tell us Christine is for the other tribe if she makes it back into the game. Seriously? What gave you that impression? I thought Christine meant U-Foo-U is #1.
The camera then follows Edna into the jungle. She has found a coconut and has Coach's coconuts in her hand. She explains she has done her best to snuggle as close to Coach as she can. Coach proves her words by going on about how well he has connected with Edna.
Coach says Edna would trade her Survivor life for his. I don't doubt it, because there has never been a dragonslayer who wasn't surely slain by a woman.
Coach and Edna then reenact a scene from The 13th Warrior, (The 6th Warrior?), as he goes into rare Dragonslayer mode and asks Edna if she is gird for battle. She affirms she is with him even if things get... "ugly." Best scene of that movie, and best scene of this season so far, easy.
Only some dramatic music could have made the foreshadowing any more obvious.
Unfortunately, Ozzy has decided to go New Testament and turn the other cheek. He admits he threw a tantrum and would like to patch things up with those that slighted him. After all, there are a lot of fish in the sea.
The still amazingly well-coiffed Keithney assures Ozzy that it can still be them two to the end. Yeah, sure. Ozzy admits he probably shouldn't have told everyone he has the HII. Keithney just laughs because what else can you do, right?
Ozzy apologizes to the rest of the tribe. Dawn and Jimmy grin like, whatever, while at least Coch-train appears to be taking Ozzy seriously.
Jimbo tells us that Ozzy is good for him. He helps him win challenges, and he'll be a bigger target come the merge. Hey, Jimmy Vegas is a pretty sensible guy when he is lucid.
THE WHEELBARROW SHOT
Time for the IC. We have a wheelbarrow race combined with a giant slingshot contest. I jest you not.
As usual, the first, more physical part of the challenge, means nothing. U-Foo-U has a significant advantage to the slingshot. However, that part of the challenge quickly becomes 1 against 2, as Not So Silent Albert is the only member of the Coach-Albert-Mikayla triumvirate capable of hitting targets while Jimbo and Keith both show some skills with the sling.
True to the math, Club Savvy doubles up U-Foo-U, knocking down their 6 while the hapless blues only get 3 of theirs.
Showing his strong leadership skills, Coach immediately blames the entire debacle on Mikayla, even though he himself also failed to take down a target. He tells us Mikayla should go home.
In past seasons, that might have been as good as a guarantee that Mikayla was not going home, but that was before last season, the season of self-fulfilling prophecies.
REWARD... Careful on the rocks!
Club Savvy gets just what they need, a spa trip. No one notices the ghosts of Rotu or Galu and ignorance is surely bliss. Ozzy and Dawn express how happy and unified they are. How BORING.
The Coch-train finally takes off his sweater vest. The sun is offended, and we are all fortunate it didn't go into supernova and fry our asses right then.
U-Foo-U- I Scramble For You
Okay, we will stay with U-Foo-U until the end now.
Coach calls his shot and says Mikayla is going home.
Albert talks with Mikayla and tells her he would like to keep her and will fight for her. He assures her he can talk sense into Coach.
Of course, we have already seen that Coach and Edna are already prepared for battle. Albert has yet to find that he is mistaken about a great many things.
In confessional, Albert impressively dances the Survivor two step. He says he'd pick Mikayla over Edna in a Survivor pick-em game 11 out of 10 times. Besides that being impossible, Albert also immediately contradicts himself by explaining how Edna is a really smart player and she's bad for his end game. Alright, there we finally have it.
In her own confessional, Mikayla condescendingly wonders how anyone would consider keeping Edna over her. After all, Edna is "half her size" and "twice her age." Ah, I don't know, Mikayla. Maybe your math skills have something to do with it. I'll let Mikayla behind the curtain for a moment. Being a lingerie football player will give you the lead on Day 1, but ultimately a woman aiming to please will beat out a woman acting entitled EVERY TIME, HANDS DOWN, NO CONTEST.
This has been a public service announcement.
Albert, Some Chick and Ricky Bobby discuss the vote. Albert and Some Chick want Edna gone because she's weak in challenges ostensibly, with no mention of Albert's supposed end game. Ricky Bobby can't argue with that, though he is hardly lassoing calves over it.
Coach's no longer silent partners then approached the Nephew of Hantz. Brandon, much to their dismay and my amusement, admits that he would rather that Mikayla stay but apparently he is done, as of this moment, with not holding to his word. He is going to hold to his word and vote for Mikayla. Simple.
Some Chick says Brandon is crazy for like the third or fourth time this season. I would say craziness is expecting Brandon to be any different at this point.
They then move to Coach but find no easier sledding there. Coach has promised to go to the mattresses for Edna, and he does. He says Mikayla is "un-Coach-able." Hahaha...
He also tells the camera that Edna won't be going home if he has anything to say about it.
Coach goes to Ricky Bobby to make it happen. He explains Edna will take a bullet for the tribe, and they should keep her. Of course, he doesn't tell Ricky about Edna being his 6th Warrior or being gird for battle or what not.
Immediately before TC, Albert has one last and more desperate talk with Ricky, saying the tribe is split and he is the key. Albert clearly doubts Rick's vote or he wouldn't be having this last conversation.
This is all kind of strange considering Albert just helped Coach get the HII last episode. Maybe Albert should have thought of his immediate game before his end game.
It is time for TC, and JP takes no time in exposing the obvious rift in the tribe. It is touted as Loyalty versus Strength.
Albert does his best to be convincing, but His Hantzness ultimately rules the TC once again. He reminds everyone that they agreed that Edna would be the 6th. When Coach talks about half truths, clearly alluding to his HII secret when it had nothing to do with JP's question, Brandon goes off further about how there is always some excuse to do wrong, but that wrong was wrong, period.
As much as everything he said before made next to zero sense, and besides the hypocrisy involved, His Hantzness actually touches on a profound point here, and I'm pretty sure that myself and Coach are fully aroused by the height of this speech.
I love the self-righteousness. No one has the balls to put it out there anymore. You go, little man!
Anyway, clearly there is no way to top that, and it is time for the vote. We get a perhaps suspenseful 4-3 vote for Mikayla, but unless the edit was playing mind games, it was pretty obvious that Mikayla was going home before Edna.
JP tells the tribe that loyalty isn't always the answer. Well actually, of course it is.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR... Ozzy floats it out there that he would be fine with going to RI. He has been out of the game for a while. Perhaps he thinks you have to go to RI to win Survivor RI. Meanwhile, Coach prays for strength and unity while admitting he might need to put a bullet in his rabid dog.