LAST EDITED ON 10-10-11 AT 00:26 AM (EST)
In Sum of a Sum Style due to the press of time. So,
Here ... we... GO.
So far on Survivor, at I-Fool-U, Coach assembled his 5 starters with Edna coming off the bench, which left Stacy in the doghouse. However, Brandon is a Hantz, and it is essential that everyone knows this within the first 15 seconds of every episode because this mere fact appears to serve as a viable storyline to MB, much in the same way a couple actors smoking weed seems to be a viable scene to Quentin Tarantino.
So, let's see, returning player has control of his tribe with one socially lost woman on the outside, but the craziness of one alliance-mate threatens the entire house of cards. I seem to remember seeing this story before, maybe because it was just last season.
Except where Phillip was the entertaining clownish type crazy, Brandon is mostly the uncomfortable to watch, unsettling, Children of the Corn type crazy. His Hantzness seems to be the least of his problems.
Meanwhile, Ozzy has his own Pretty People 5 and believes he is in control with the older and the undesired not invited. This leads to the self-glossed Papa Bear being ejected after Coach led his tribe to a IC victory.
Now, let's get on with it.
CLUB SAVVY-(Not as in intuitive, but as in Captain Jack Sparrow- "Savvy?")
Ozzy, the Man-Whore of Survivor, shows us that he has this game all figured out. Forget about outwit, outlast, and outplay, this game is about lying in the hammock with Miss Hawaiian Tropics and explaining to her adoring ears the genesis of your awesomeness.
As long as MB is willing to play pimp, why the ell wouldn't Ozzy come back?
Apparently, the Oz is oblivious to the disturbing similarities with Fans vs. Faves, where he also was in an alliance of 5 with two young couples and a 5th wheel who loved the strategy game. You add in the HII in his pocket and some canoodling with his closest ally, and a more self-aware Ozzy wouldn't be so comfortable. Or considering the hammock-Elyse combo, maybe he would.
Jimmy Vegas lurks in the jungle like a divorce lawyer, and he is none too pleased about the Oz holding HIS possible showgirl under his sway. As he stands silhouetted against a rising sun drinking from a coconut, he explains that he knows the power of a couple in this game, and if you add that to the power of Ozzy's flowing locks, you might get a diety of the Robfadda proportion. If he can't get Ozzy out, he'll settle for Elyse to avert that disaster.
Needing recruits for this mission, Jimbo finds Cochran a more than willing partner for his scheme. Apparently Dr. Feelgood feels he needs to speak a language that Cochran will understand, so he suddenly goes mathematic in referring to Elyse as both a rounding factor and a variable, which of course means she has to go since he loves constants in this game. All of this interjected with lamentations of "She's so frickin HOT!"
Other than revealing Jim's deep understanding of women, I find the more likely translation to be- "Jimmy Vegas didn't come on Survivor to be the fifth wheel. Elyse can't see the happening guy that I am or how good I am at forensic science, and so, she has to go."
Not that it matters, because Cochran is hardly listening beyond the mere utterance of a name for ouster that isn't his own. Showing his judgement of character is keener than someone who panders a mind-altering drug for a living, Cochran tells us Jimbo is "sketchy... a used car salesman with suspiciously white teeth." Hahaha... but if he has to put on a seaweed wig to help Jim overcome the power of Elyse's bikini, then he's the man. Cochran barely contains his glee as he finally has a reason to stop convorting with palm trees to stay connected.
Brandon is shown with an occupation of "Russell Hantz's nephew." He blathers on about people's feelings and the game as explanation to why he decides to embark on his 1000 Apologies Tour. The Tour starts with Mikayla, of course, who guarantees herself some face time by making sure we all know that Brandon is Russell Hantz' nephew.
The Tour continues in the shelter where Edna actually has her hair down and is understandably torn between being thankful for Brandon's brand of honesty and unhappy with his assertion that she is no better than the first player off the bench.
Okay, brief return to Club Savvy as its time to send two unfortunates to RI to see the duel between Papa Bear and Christine. As one would expect with this Clash of the Titans, no one wants to go, except for Cochran, if he counts. As an awkward moment develops, Jimbo can't take it anymore and jumps on the grenade.
Jimmy Vegas tries to talk strategy to a prone Ozzy and Elyse before leaving to RI. Ozzy has none of it and waves Jimbo away with calls to "Chill out, bro." To Dawn, this is impossible, and she is not pleased.
At the nepharious RI arena, we see that the Nephew of Hantz and Stacy got the call for I-Fool-U. Good thing, since Brandon and Cochran haven't gotten enough face time.
At JP's prodding, Ursa Minor proclaims that he's as good as Ifoolian when he gets back in the game. Jimmy Vegas and Cochran yawn.
This is just another inevitably irrelevant move by the She Bear, but maybe players should think twice before taking this tact. After all, what if your former tribe has a 6-4 or worse advantage at merge? Then what do you do? Claim reverse psychology?
The Nephew of Hantz basically tells Ursa Minor to tell us something we didn't already know and then brings the 1000 Apologies Tour to Christine. Christine basically responds by squinting and saying, "Huh, what?"
For the duel, Papa Bear and Christine compete at a game of beanbag toss. This is a no brainer from the get go as Christine is like Bag Toss Grand Champion and Markie Mark is limp of wrist.
Papa Bear exits by basically calling his pals with the NYPD and fire department idiots and telling us that just making Survivor was a dream fulfilled. Wonderful and bu- bye.
Christine throws everyone involved an evil eye and scoffs. Want a duel? How about Christine and Dawn in a no blinking contest??
We are back to I-Fool-U where Edna, concerned about her position as a bench-sitter, shifts her social game into overdrive. This is a great boon for the men of the tribe who immediately have the opportunity to have their shirts cleaned and their backs walked on. Not surprisingly, the two women with their stocks most likely to fall if Edna's rises, Mikayla and Stacy, are both annoyed by her incessant chatter and mind-numbing questions.
Is this meant to make Edna look bad or them? Or is it just more misdirect from what will otherwise be an extremely predictable boot? We shall see.
Dawn finds Cochran and shares her displeasure over Ozzy pretending not to strategize. She insists this probably means Ozzy already has his strategy set and just wants everyone else to shut up. In other words, Dawn confirms that she has never seen Ozzy play.
This sets Cochran off as he coos to the camera about his fantasy of striking at Ozzy and the "pretty people." Of course, this completely overlooks the fact that there are numbers to eliminate Elyse only if a "pretty person" agrees with it, but then again, let's not let the facts get in the way of a good fantasy.
Yes, it is bikini time, which means it is time to go back to the vacationers at Club Savvy. We are preparing for the IC, which means this is all about Dawn as a matter of foreshadowing. She is once again talking about how old she is and how age is her biggest obstacle in this game. The camera uses this as an excuse to display Whitney and Elyse in their new bikinis. Production continues to read my mail.
Dawn tells us that since she can't be the eye candy that the younger gals are, she can't afford to be seen as the weakest. Someone needs to tell the college professor that they may have youth and beauty, but you are supposed to have wisdom.
IC - Tried, Tested and Tired
The IC is an oldie but goodie. Three members of each tribe have to hold poles across their shoulders (or wherever) as they are loaded with weight. Whichever tribe has the last person standing wins.
I-Fool-U would seem to have the obvious advantage with three broad-shouldered women on the tribe, while Club Savvy has little choice but to go with Dawn the Elder. Mysteriously though, the blue tribe goes with Silent Albert, the Nephew of Hantz, and Stacy. No Coach? What kind of leadership is that? Apparently the Dragonslayer is retired with a bad back or something. And yeah, Stacy is a big girl, but no Mikayla? I guess all those weights she has obviously lifted aren't enough to make her a better option than Stacy.
Besides Dawn, Club Savvy went with Keith and Jimbo. Keith was quickly out at 200 lbs. Albert then squandered whatever advantage his tribe appeared to have by losing his balance and falling off his platform. Jimmy and Brandon then battled it out to 240 pounds, at which weightlifting grunting noises unsued. Jimmy went down first, and though he had impressively outlasted the other men, Brandon couldn't take advantage and fell beneath the weight as well.
This left it to the women, who were already doing what no man could by balancing their weights on their butts. Though Stacy had more butt to balance with, Dawn somehow outlasted her and won the challenge for Club Savvy, leaving Cochran's big "Survivor move" to wait until next week at least.
Back at camp, Coach gathered his team and told them to buck up. After all, no one who mattered was going home.
Edna is wise enough to whisper to Stacy that one of them is going home. Stacy responds in confessional that Edna hasn't talked to her all game and therefore can forget about talking now. I'm not sure I follow the logic of that.
Coach approaches Stacy and refuses to answer her straightforward question about where she stands. He just tells her, "I like you."
That's sweet, Coach, but I don't think Stacy gives a crap at this particular time. In fact, Stacy makes that clear as soon as Coach walks away. She goes off to the camera about Coach's BS, but that's odd because that isn't what she said when he was right in front of her. So, who is full of BS?
Stacy attempts to do some scrambling by telling his Hantzness that he better watch his back because Sophie, Albert and Mikayla might be up to something. Yeah, those three firebrands, you better watch out. That's like the wolf worrying about the squirrel.
He of Much Drama however, is alarmed and takes his concerns to Coach. Props to Coach who immediately goes into tough love mode and tells Brandon to check himself before he wrecks himself.
Without further drama, the tribe shuffles off to TC.
JP tries his best to stir up some drama in this henhouse by asking everyone what they find annoying about their tribemates. We get pretty much political answers until Mikayla again reminds the world that Brandon is a Hantz.
I fail to see how Brandon's last name is annoying. What is annoying is the omnipresent reminder of it. What the ell is everyone else's last name? I don't even know! Except for Cochran, I don't know a single other last name on the show.
Anyway, He of Much Drama uses his TC platform to tearfully burst into song:
Baby, do you understand me now?
Sometimes I seem a little mad.
But don't you know no one in life can always be an angel
When things go wrong I seem to be bad.
I'm just a soul whose intentions are good!
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood!!
While everyone collects their jaws or wipes their tears away, JP basically spells it out just in case everyone hasn't gotten it yet, that Brandon's is a quest for Redemption.
Ah, okay, we GET IT.
Without further boredom, we get the parade to the cookie jar. This is completely devoid of suspense as everyone should know by now that Stacy is going home. After being pretty strong and constant, Stacy goes to RI with some bitter last words that don't even make any sense.
Next week on Survivor, Coach says if you call me Benjamin, I'll kill yeah, which inspires everyone to call him ... you guessed it.