"Survivor South Pacific- Episode 3 Summary- What Bears Do in the Woods"
ďJust when I think I got out, they pull me back in.Ē
Not that I donít love this community and all the fabulous people here, but I had kind of put RTVWorld.com behind me, I thought. Iíd peek in every now and then, sure, just to see if a complete boot list had been posted or if there were any casting spoilers for the upcoming season, but I didnít feel the need to post for whatever reason.
Between Survivor: Just Give Rob The Million and Big Brother: Just Give Rachel The Half Million, Iíd hit my limit. I had so much snark and annoyance at the DAWs who I seem unable to pull myself away from that I couldnít take it any more. If I didnít snark soon, I might have exploded.
(Speaking of which, if anyone has my exploding Draco head, that would be really awesome. I kinda need it these days.)
So, here I am. Back and ready to give until it hurts.
And oh, brother, is there some hurting going on these days.
If you havenít done it yet, make sure you check out Miss Mythís fine Episode 2 summary from last week. It should beÖ down there. Somewhere.
Previously on SurvivorÖ they start by showing clips from episode 1. I immediately check my DVR to make sure Iím watching the right episode. Sure enough, I am. Huh. Anyways, we see Team Blue Balls winning immunity after Team Redshirt puts on a basketball performance that would make LeBron James go, ďDamn, now thatís some giveup right there.Ē For some reason, they show Ozzy, but not really the real goat. Foreshadowing?
Dammit, I lost my sledgehammer of plot, too. You go away for a few years and you canít find anything.
Oh, I see what happened. Team Redshirt confused Ozzy and Semhar because they have similar hair and voted out the wrong person. Easy enough mistake to make, I guess.
Now we get to episode 2, and oh, gee, why would they ever put an Immunity Idol where only Ozzy would be likely to find it? Recrap of the 5 Person Alliance Which We Know Will Only End In Tears.
Meanwhile, Coach made his own alliance with the nephew of one of the people that organized his demise last time, and then his tribe lost immunity. Despite Liíl Russ IIís best efforts to vote out the Oobies of Temptation, Coach convinced them all to boot the woman who called him a Temporary Player.
AND NOW THE EPISODE REALLY BEGINS!
Christine and Semhar meet on The Idea That Nobody Liked But The Producers Are Gonna Force Down Our Throats Anyways For At Least Another Season. I never thought Iíd be wishing for Exile Island again. Of course, Christine claims she was voted out because she was a dangerous player. No, you were voted out because you ticked off the returning Dragon Slayer who still has everyone starstruck. She says the fat lady hasnít sung yet.
Dear dog, donít let Papa Bear sing.
Meanwhile back at Team Blue Balls, Mikayla is confused as to why Liíl Russ II wanted her out so bad. So naturally, she goes to Coach. Just as theyíre getting into a good groove, Liíl Russ II butts in and spoils the fun. In Confessional, Liíl Russ II (hereafter referred to as LR2 because Iím lazy) tells us that he doesnít want to be like his uncle, and wanted to be someone you could look up to. Of course, heís ignoring the fact that, since heís the shortest person in the game, itís impossible for anyone to look up to him.
That and heís a douche.
Blah Blah BlahÖ ooh, Rock ĎEm Sock ĎEm Robots the movie!
The next dayÖ HOLY CARP WE ACTUALLY GET TO HEAR A CRAPPY TREEMAIL POEM! OH HOW I MISSED THEM! Itís an invite to go to Redemption Island so you can rub it in the faces of the people you voted out that youíre still in. For Team Blue Balls, we get Coach and Stacey (who incidentally is from my hometown. Iím not terribly proud right now, though.). For Team Redshirt, we get Ozzy and Elise.
Christine reaffirms why she wants to get back in the game. Coach licks his lips, and the rest of us want to yawn.
Jeff asks Semhar about Redemption Island, for those who are just tuning in. She goes on to prove that sheís really not cut out for this game and her tribe probably did her a favor voting her out first.
Todayís duel isÖ BATTLE TOTEM ON A POLE! ALLEZ CUISINE!
Sorry, Iíve been watching too much Iron Chef lately.
We get ready to start the challenge, BUT FIRST! Semhar gets dehydrated and starts babbling incoherently. No, wait, thatís poetry. I think. Iím honestly not sure.
This one goes out to the one I love
This one goes out to the one Iíve left behind
Something somethingÖ poop and pee.
By the way, I know that the first person booted never gets to talk on the Reunion Show anymore, but I guarantee weíll be subjected to a poem from Semhar. And Iíll fast forward right past it.
While Semhar rambles, we get some of the best ďThis is really frelling awkwardĒ looks weíve ever seen on Survivor. Even Jiffy looks annoyed, and heís sat through Johnny Fairplay and Liíl Russís filibusters.
Once everyone wakes up, itís time to see who can keep their pole erect the longest. Somehow the obvious product placement from Cialis is left out here.
As the challenge progresses, Jiffy reminds us that Redemption Island is a Second Chance. This from a guy who publicly decried people getting a second chance on Pearl Islands and said ďOnce youíre voted out, youíre voted out.Ē Itís amazing what a little time and a lot of money will do to your attitude, huh?
Finally, Semhar lets her idol go (and narrowly avoids getting clocked by it) and cries a lot and proves once again that sheís just not cut out for Survivor. She gives Christine her ratty old jacket and throws her buff into the fire. Christine reiterates that Coach is a dope (in case we didnít figure that out from the first two seasons he was on!) and says that sheís going to ďpull a MattĒ. Um, news flash, sweet cheeks. Matt got off Redemption Island and then got voted right back onto it and was kind of a whiny little bitch before he finally lost. So you go right on ahead and pull a Matt.
Aaaaaand more commercials. Which is good, because it means that we wonít see or hear from Christine for the rest of the episode.
Meanwhile, back at Team Blue Balls, LR2 is having a crisis of faith. Godís apparently whupping his ass for lying and being a hypocrite and basically playing just like good olí Unca Russ. He reminds us that his pee-pee wonít let him play the game with Mikayla before we get the DRAMATIC REVEAL! Which isnít so dramatic, because all anyone is thinking is MY DOG THOSE ARE BAD TATTOOS NO WONDER YOU KEPT THEM COVERED.
So he actually grows a brain and decides he has to spell it out for these nimrods. With Coach standing behind him as our Surrogate Christ Figure, he proceeds to tell everyone who he really is. Stacey is either shocked by the revelation or having a mild seizure, I canít tell which. He apologizes and tells everyone that heís not the same person as Unky Russ and spills the same spiel about just wanting to make friends that everyone says. Mikayla is shocked and says, surprise surprise, she might just have to vote him out because heís a sneak. We get a lot of tattoo shots, including the one on the back that only looks like it says ďHANTZĒ if you kind of squint your head and tilt your eyes.
Coach says itís a mistake. In other news, water is wet and the pope sh!ts in the woods. They go off and have man time, and in confessionals Coach tells us that now he canít trust LR2 completely.
At Team Redshirt, Ozzy caught a fish! He poked it with a stick! We get a confessional from Mama Bear in which he points out the obvious- that he, Dawn, and Coc*ring are the weakest members. Iím certainly glad he used his detective skills to tell us that. Ozzy reiterates his alliance, which consists of himself, Pothead, and 3 people who Iím not entirely sure are actually on this show. Ozzy decides that one of those people is the person he should trust with the SECRET OF THE IDOL.
And of course, not 5 seconds later we see his secret-keeper telling the secret to Whitney. Keith will hereafter be known as Wormtail. Itís nice to see Ozzy getting his really dumb gameplay move out of the way early this season.
Back at Team Blue Balls, LR2 decides itís time to come clean (no pun intended) with Mikayla. Iím honestly amazed that he felt he could trust himself long enough to be around her to have this talk. He says that ďPeople didnít trust you, itís not just me.Ē Actually, yeah, LR2, it kind of is just you. Apparently he thought she was going to attack him, and he was supposed to turn the other cheek and be meek or something. Brandon calls a House Meeting (because we all know they go so well on Big Brother). Everyone is too in shock at the pure crap coming out of his mouth to say anything.
Aaaand here come the tears, both from Mikayla and LR2. And apparently the internal conflict is so bad that he sleeps next to the fire in hopes that his flesh will get burned up by it.
Coach is concerned and using a lot of big words. After a while, it all kind of sounds like white noise to me.
Commercials! Now you can buy Ednaís homemade visor! Made from real leaves and a treemail! (Actually, thatís pretty damn inventive, if you ask me. I donít think weíve seen that before.)
Challenge time! You now, I remember when challenges on this show were so simple. Go out in the water and bring the raft back without letting the fire go out. They were uncomplicated, and yet they still had quite a lot of drama to them. Now theyíre a bunch of mini-games before you get to the main boss.
And because weíre still doing the joke that is Redemption Island, the challenges are combined reward and immunity challenges. The premise is simple. One tribe member gets a body board and pulls on his tribemateís crank (what?) until theyíre far enough to get to a puzzle piece, and then their tribe reels them back in. Once they have all their pieces, they unfurl them on the wall and put them in the right order. Thatís right, itís a water challenge without any actual swimming. Everyone should be able to do this with no problem. Of course, this being Survivor, we know that there will be ways that this can be screwed up. Many many painful ways.
The winning tribe gets lots of noms and another clue to the hidden immunity idol. Unless your tribeís monkey boy has already found it in the tree.
We get startedÖ and Ozzy stumbles literally right out of the gate. Ozzy gets caught partway through without enough rope, while LR2 easily gets plenty of rope. Which is good because heíll need it to hang himself with. LR2 tags in someone who Iím not entirely sure Iíve seen before, and Ozzy tags in the token older player, who makes up time. Ozzy back out in the water, while Mikayla goes in for his tribe. Yes, let LR2 see her in a wet buffkini, that wonít set him off at all. Dawn falls in the water before getting to the platform, allowing Team Blue Balls to get back in the lead. The player who I still swear Iíve never seen before goes back out for his tribe, and Ozzy goes back out. Because, you know, heís the swimming guy. Which comes in handy, since his tribe pulls to hard and he loses his board.
Weíre neck and neck as Coach and Edna are solving the puzzle for Team Blue Balls while Cowgirl and Indian are tasked with the job for Team Redshirt. In the end, Team Blue Balls gets just a little ahead, and thatís all they need. They get their puzzle banners and unscramble them, giving their team the win and nomnoms.
Team Redshirt is sad as we go to commercial. Mama Bear literally rolls over and dies, knowing that heís probably going to go very soon.
More selling of things!
At Team Redshirt, morale is at an all time low. Ozzy lets us know that itís between Mama Bear and Coc*ring. And for some reason, they canít figure out why they would be targets. Um, maybe because youíre super weak? They let Coc*ring know that itís going to be Mama Bear, but they let him know that theyíll be telling Mama Bear the same thing only reversed. Mama Bear, using his superior detective skills, sees right through the lies. In an inspired bit of misdirection, he runs off into the woods, presumably to do what bears do in the woods. Oh, wait, he wants them to think heís looking for the Idol. Well, he gets points for trying, at least. At least he remembered to wear his underwear, so we donít get a replay of the Fat Naked F**. And then, to complete the illusion, he stuffs his pants. Thereís definitely something Freudian there, but I failed psychology so I canít place it.
Creative editing attempts to make us think that thereís a chance they might flip and vote out Coc*ring, but come on. Weíve seen this before. Many, many times before.
MOOD LIGHTING takes us to Tribal Council!
Jiffy immediately starts in on Coc*ring, making sure that everyone knows that Coc*ring is the physically weakest player. BUT HE OPENED A COCONUT LAST WEEK! HEíS VALUABLE! Mama Bear gets some questions about leadership and he actually calls out the 5 person alliance, but Iím not sure anyone got it. So he actually SPELLS IT OUT FOR THEM. And Dawn still doesnít get it. Pothead attempts to do damage control, but Mama Bear ainít haviní it. We get to poke Ozzy about getting voted out with an Idol in his pocket, and he looks sufficiently chagrined for it. After a little more blather about idols from Coc*ring, itís time to vote.
Surprisingly, Pothead actually falls for the bulge in Mama Bearís pants and votes for Coc*ring. However, when the votes are revealedÖ it turns out he was the only one. Bye bye, Mama Bear. Go sleep in your bed thatís too soft. We also have a random vote for Pothead, which Iím assuming came from Mama Bear.
One last commercial break takes us toÖ
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR!
WaitÖ Coc*ring is the mastermind? THE HELL? And a Hantz stirs up trouble? THIS MUST BE WHAT GOING MAD FEELS LIKE!
In what passes for final words, Mama Bear says something or other, then scares the crap out of Christine, who probably assumed that since it was dark, she was likely to be eaten by a grue.
Sorry this took so long to get up, guys!