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"“Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poet, a Pre-Pubescent and a Pervert walk into a Survivor.”"
RollDdice 5535 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-22-11, 06:12 AM (EST)
 
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"“Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poet, a Pre-Pubescent and a Pervert walk into a Survivor.”" |
There Once Was a Girl from Nantucket… - Semhar arrives at the beautiful Poet’s Retreat known as Redemption Island. It seems that The Artist Formerly Known as Saint Matthew of Fabio has left her a poem. He also left her a stone tablet with a half-dozen Survivor “commandments” etched on it, but since most of them are recipes for Dolphin Picatta and the rest are very specific death threats against Rob, Ambuh and Ambuh’s stuffed animal, it’s hardly worth a Kindle download. However, the poem reads, “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Vote for me and I’ll set you free” which just proves that Matt was a ball of confusion near the end. Our *cough* writers have tried to wrap their heads around iambic pentameter with this ditty about Recycle Island that we’ve recreated on singed parchment in order to make it more dramatic: The basic supplies are included, of that you should have no fear
We called Papa John’s, Pizza Hut and Domino’s
But no one delivers here The Duel at Anemic Arena is a comin’
Don’t imagine that it’s a lock
If you lose… you cool your heels at Ponderosa
Win… and you’re still stuck on this rock The heady drama of competition
Suspense about what will transpire
We really couldn’t come up with anything better
Than a buff smoldering in a fire? Semhar confessionalizes that she has abandonment issues, but she turns her pain into positivity through her poetry. As she recites a rambling poem about some ex-boyfriend who had the good sense to gnaw off his own arm and escape, I raise a glass to my crack Casting Department who, after twenty three seasons still knows the best sanitariums, rehab facilities and wacky religious cult compounds to cruise for fresh meat. Lock that in your house, Big Brother! ”Where’s My Satin Smoking Jacket?” - Meanwhile, at Savior, Cochran tells us that after begging and pleading for his life at Tribal Council, he now plans to “turn on the cool, mellow Cochran instead of the nerdy guy.” That’s like a leopard changing his spots or someone at Uh’postle trying to explain their tats… Oh pierced person, please ink me up with that Tribal flash on the wall that has the word “Foreshadowing” in huge Gothic letters. Nonetheless, Ozzy and Keith have faith that when the challenges are physical and mental, that’s where Cochran will shine. Unfortunately, there’s little likelihood that the next Challenge will have anything to do with World of Warcraft or rebuilding an Altair 8800. Ozzy Gets HII - Coach and Edna walk and bond as Coach tells her that he is still smarting from Christine’s remarks at the dramatic reveal-slash-tribe assignment-slash-Challenge loss. Because Edna was the only one who spoke with Coach after his second place showing, he feels an affinity for her and he’s shrewdly trying to see if he can ease Edna into an alliance. He has a lot of work to do because so far Coach is only allied with Rick, Sophie, Brandon, Albert, a tree frog, a sand crab and three coconuts. For her part, Edna says that she’s “on the bottom of the totem pole.” This either means that she knows that she’s one of the smallest people there and she’s anxious to jump into any operating room that’ll have her, or she’s fantasizing about an exotic sexual position with Native American Elyse. Over at Savior Cochran is making good on his promise to do more around camp by chopping up coconuts without even being asked. He tells us that his mom didn’t want him to handle a machete without adult supervision, so we can be fairly certain that John’s coconuts are in his mom’s purse at home. Ozzy uses the Cochran coming of age pageant to grab the snorkeling gear and declare that he’s going to do some “float down” fishing. All I can say is that Ozzy must have shotgunned some powerful weed with that snorkle, because his “float down” has him climbing trees and looking for the Hidden Immunity Idol. Ozzy explains his eagle-eyed technique by saying, “Three times around, you start learning what to look for—rocks in trees are a good sign that you’ve found something good.”
Well, at least every word doesn’t have to be translated into English like Rooster Ralph. There’s Got To Be A Morning After – The next morning Coach and Brandon are discussing their sleeping arrangements and Coach remarks, “I tried to cuddle up with you last night, man. Remember when I asked you if you were cold?” Brandon replies, “Uhh huh. Did you put something over me?”
Yes he did, Brandon. It’s called Chloroform. Coach or Mikayla. That’s quite a Sophie’s Choice. The ironic thing is that Sophie isn’t even on Brandon’s radar, much less presenting a moral dilemma. Instead, Brandon is whipping his own back with reeds because he hasn’t yet revealed to his new best buddy Coach that he’s Hantz-some. It’s obvious that Brandon has put a lot of thought and planning into how he will broach this difficult subject because he suddenly turns to Coach and says, “Wanna see something cool?” as he pulls up his shirt sleeve and reveals his Lil Hantz tattoo. As the Coach’s brain box struggles to put it all together, he gasps, “That’s not your last name is it?” Brandon reveals that much like Chaz Bono, he used to be a biological female named Lilly Hantz and he has recently undergone gender reassignment surgery. (Note: That probably didn’t happen, but you’ve got to pardon an occasional blackout/ ratings fantasy. You try doing this for eleventy million years.) Poke-A-Hooker - It’s morning at the Savior camp and “Dance Team Manager” / Indian Princess, Elyse “Ninety Nine Cents*” Umemoto declares that she’s hungry. Assuming her best “yoga fingers” pose she reaches out to her Native American roots. “Teach me to dip nets, oh great ancestors. Teach me to make reservations at the best restaurants and to manipulate the boys into doing what I want.” Call it a two for three win for the great ancestors and just pray that her Native American grandmother “Firm Boulders” lived several teepees over from Phillip’s Native American grandfather, “Screw Loose with Feather”. Meanwhile the men of Savior are fishing and this gives Jim, the World Poker Champ and Medical Marijuana Pusher Distributor a chance to dispense his wisdom. He tells us that in Survivor “You want to have as many chips as you can for the coming weeks and really, the rest of the game.” This profound logic and his career choices should help wrap up an excellent criminal case against his high school guidance counselor. Jim’s “three plus two” plan includes himself, Keith and Ozzy with Elyse and Whitney representing the Estrogen Ensemble. If I were a betting man, I’d wager that Brandon is going to give RussHell some serious competition when it comes to total screen time. Brandon grabs his camera crew and tells them that he doesn’t like Mikayla. His rationale is that she’s attractive and seductive and that he doesn’t feel comfortable around her. He goes on to say that “It’s the ones who are good looking and seductive that you want to get rid of.” Clearly, he doesn’t know how television works and he’s trying to give me an aneurysm. ”This Is Not A Picnic” RC/IC - Coach and the rest of Uh’postles stroll over to the Challenge mats while eating some of the biggest candy corn that I’ve ever seen. When asked, Coach tells J PRO that the local fruit is called pandera and that “the tribe that eats pandera together wins together.”
It seems that Savior was opening and eating cans of whup ass, because they unwound the ribbons, unlocked the locks, pushed the crates and came from behind to win the Challenge. ”He Has Demons.” - With the Uh’postles destined for their first TC, the scramble begins. While Coach is harboring a grudge against Christine, he still manages to get support to split the vote and edge Christine or Stacey over to Redemption Island. Meanwhile, Brandon is pushing Sophie and Rick to vote out Mikayla. Coach observes Brandon’s torment over a woman who has done him no harm and tells us that Brandon “has demons that he’s facing on a daily basis that we don’t know about.” All Are Welcome… - At Tribal Council, the Uh’postles get their fire. In short order J PRO has stirred the pot and Christine is sneering at Coach, and calling him “Mr. Honesty.” Brandon has walked into a trap and ends up confessing that he told Stacey and Christine to vote for Mikayla. Stacey gives NaOnka a run for her money, occasionally pointing her trigger finger at people who’ve been backed into a corner and snapping off convincing “pow” and “boom” mercy killings. But finally it’s the teacher Christine, who is forced to write “I will go to Redemption Island now” a thousand times on the blackboard.
* Ninety Nine Cents – because Elyse is always under a buck.
Mark "Night Owl" Burnett
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caseymagoo 17 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Got Milk? Spokesperson"
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09-22-11, 08:26 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poet, a Pre-Pubescent and a Pervert walk into a Survivor.”" |
I'm no NaOnka, I do full service funerals - Shoot 'em, Shine 'em, Submerge 'em. Got a few people on my list already. Christine - Pow. All I did was talk to big-mouth and that got me votes. Brandon - Boom. Creepy little dude telling me who to vote for. Coach -Boom. He should fear the eye roll.
>
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suzzee 3394 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity"
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09-22-11, 10:40 AM (EST)
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7. "RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poet, a Pre-Pubescent and a Pervert walk into a Survivor.”" |
 BTS Thursday Morning Office Chair Review Mark "Redemption Island is MY idea" Burnett has turned up the snark and set the bar (rather then passing out under the bar) this season and BTS has had more hits then a lingerie football league. Well done MB and your little gorilla too. And the Hits keep coming.....As she recites a rambling poem about some ex-boyfriend who had the good sense to gnaw off his own arm and escape, I raise a glass to my crack Casting Department who, after twenty three seasons still knows the best sanitariums, rehab facilities and wacky religious cult compounds to cruise for fresh meat. As I was watching this I thought to myself, "Self, where in the known or unknown multi-verse did they find the only person that has simultaneously never seen any reality TV and truly can't believe that total strangers would kick such an awesome poet to the sandy curb. "Cold hearted," she claims in disbelief. Poor Subpar, take that, and that, and shut-up. Dungeons & Dragons & Demons OH MYCouldn't you just hear Mama Cochran wailing for her baby boy? I heard the twang of apron strings snapping and Cochran's voice dropping an octave all the way from here. The collective gasp from the World of Warcraft rooms sucked the air out of basements all over the world. Today I am a MAN. Good for you sugar. Brandon replies, “Uhh huh. Did you put something over me?”
Yes he did, Brandon. It’s called Chloroform. Best.Line.Ever excellent you da man, now come and get the coffee out of my keyboard."Benevolent Despot" or "Coach" or "You can call me Daddy" has enfolded Brandon, married with Demons and Edna, concubine in waiting, in his bat-like dragon wings. Too bad he tried to cuddle with Brandon (Have you ever seen a gladiator movie?) while keeping Edna on the bottom of his totem pole. >code violations so soon in the season? Really?< OzzFest 2011“Three times around, you start learning what to look for—rocks in trees are a good sign that you’ve found something good.” What really happened“Three times around, you start learning what to look for, letting Mr. Cameraman drag me to the beach, push me up a tree, and follow the blue line right to the rare South Pacific Rock Fruit Tree this a good sign that you’ve found something good.” Who knew Ozzy needed handholding??? I'm sure Parvati and Amanda were shocked to know he's looking for something other then a date this time around.
Double Bonus Triple word score “Wanna see something cool?” as he pulls up his shirt sleeve and reveals his Lil Hantz tattoo. As the Coach’s brain box struggles to put it all together, he gasps, “That’s not your last name is it?” Brandon reveals that much like Chaz Bono, he used to be a biological female named Lilly Hantz and he has recently undergone gender reassignment surgery. OMG-pace yourself Dice, this was one of the funniest BTS's I've seen yet. 
Sequestered and Pampered~thanks Zenbot & agman
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Brownroach 13457 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-22-11, 11:04 AM (EST)
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10. "RКто голосовал за меня?" |
LAST EDITED ON 09-22-11 AT 11:08 AM (EST)Это было что окольный толчок Brandon? Who voted for me? Was it that devious jerk Brandon? 
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kingfish 12989 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-22-11, 12:15 PM (EST)
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12. "RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poet, a Pre-Pubescent and a Pervert walk into a Survivor.”" |
Someone thinks that they own this school just because someone who shall remain unnamed (OK, you wormed it out of me, it was that infamously sleazy rat and cheater, Senor Pissario) had three of a kind when I held two pair.But while that rat is sleeping (my girls all have passed Roofie Basic Skills 101, heh heh) I have a moment to assure the audience and my fanclub's members (members in the anatomical sense) that I, MissyPissy (Senorita Pissarita here in my new hideout) am well. I am keeping my head down because the US Marshalls haven't given up in their desire to serve those pesky subpoenas yet, and Senor Pissario is there to take the hit if shooting should commence. So that is why I let him win that hand. Anyway, I am fine and me and my girls, the Raunchettes, are dreaming up mischief and mayhem like never before. In between siestas and cervezas and the occasional peyote party. Which takes up all of our time so truth be known, we are falling behind a little in the mayhem department. But we will catch up. Mañana. During my daily burro ride along the Rio Grande, I was hit in the head by a Frisbee tossed from across the river by my inside spoiler source, *not-Russell Hantz, and tied to it were some spoilers with new stuff that I hadn't seen before, and that I am going to share with you. Just you. No one else. So keep this under your hat. Spoiler #1: Jim will surprise his tribemates with his culinary skills when he introduces his 'special' coconut brownies to camp. Although everyone likes them, all camp work stops, all talk of strategy stops, and no one can stop smiling. The camera crew begins to remark about how cool the lizards are, what great colors, and to wonder aloud why Crabs are so crawly aroundy... then they break down in laughter when they realize what they just said.
Spoiler #2: This week the castaways will be surprised, entertained, and awed when a super-megastar movie producer and comedian, Woody Allen, comes into camp. However he isn't there to entertain, he is there to complain about Cochran poaching on his persona, and threatening EPMB with a mega infringement lawsuit.
Spoiler #3: Semhar is practicing her 1-1/2 foot free throw skills with which she intends to wow the crowd next time, when Christine stumbles into camp. And, of course being the BS "smoking word artist" that she is, was moved to smoke the following: Christine is in camp
Christine is a tramp
I hate Christine because she is not me
I will speak the poem of death, Die Bitcheree. Spoiler #4: Coach will promise that there will be an ass whipping at TC. What he will fail to remember (again) is that whenever there has been an ass whipping, it is been his ass that got whipped. But it gets whipped with integrity and honor, and that's all that counts, isn't it coach? You imbecile. (*Disclaimer. Dammit, I call disclaimer!) 
Tribal art. Great summary, RD. You obviously had a much more poetic morning that I had. Also, good job Suz. Heck, everyone is hot this morning. Good job all around. Impressive first effort, Caseymagoo.
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krismiss2us 416 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Daytime Soap Guest Star"
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09-27-11, 06:27 PM (EST)
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59. "RE: “Be The Survivor”: S23 Ep02: “A Poet, a Pre-Pubescent and a Pervert walk into a Survivor.”" |
*smooch smoochy* Idol and troll sittin' in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
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kingfish 12989 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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09-24-11, 02:01 PM (EST)
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46. "Positivity " |
Whoo boy is it ever hot here. Aye caramba!.Don't let anybody tell you the Mexican Sierras are cool places to wreak mayhem. It is so hot that my girls, the fabuloso Ranchitaritas de Raunchyville, decided to cool it for a while and take their Vespa hogs off line for a little maintenance and repair. They been cooking up kidnap and ransom schemes, running their 'escort me or die' business, and making grown men weep with pleasure while begging for more pain, but hombre, in this heat even the Raunchitas, they got to cool out. Que caliente. So we decided to take a day off and get wet. We're here in a secluded mountain pool fed by a artesian spring drinking the cervesa frio and eating food that the locals provide for us (or else), and in the process getting clean again. Frankly we were having to make some of the girls, the really really raunchiest of them, ride in the rear of the pack, they were really stinko. So everything is getting better. And I have a moment to share with you the latest in insider spoilers that I found under a rock by the pool, left there by my faithful insider source (*not Hantz), and I swear (I am putting my hand on my heart) by all that is raunchy, these are the very truth. Spoiler #1: Jim, the poker champ says he has an advantage over the others because he can 'read' the others and tell who is lying. And is he full of it. They play "Go Fishing" and right away he calls a clock on Ozzie who raises Jim on the river, only to reveal an open ended flush. Then they both pass the joint to Keith who grins and pretends to get the joke. Jim also grins and pretends that he remembers what he was going to say. Spoiler #2: Dolphin Boy will get mugged by a monkey when he attempts to steal the monkey's favorite rock from his tree borne stash of pretty rocks. Says DB, "Oh so that's what a rock is doing up in a tree." Spoiler #3: Mikaela's Oobies continue to taunt Brandon, and tempt him with eternal damnation (yawn). Although her ears are also vying for his attention, they aren't really playing the same league. Afterall, titties been tempting Brandon all his life, big titties, little titties, saggy titties, bird titties, lizard titties, elephant titties...titties titties titties...and ears just been flapping in the breeze. Spoiler #4: After the next TC, Jim will steal the snuffer thinking it will make a great pipe. The night camera man, after filming Coach and Brandon cuddling far into the night, will catch Jim en flagrante (just as he caught Coach) and make him return the snuffer to EPMB who will reward him for his honesty by toking up with him and the cameraman. (*disclaimer. And this is one hot and heavy disclaimer, maybe the disiest claimer of all time. Or maybe not). 
Tribephyl farts, Senor Pisarrio holds breath.
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suzzee 3394 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity"
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09-27-11, 09:20 PM (EST)
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62. "I feel so dirty" |
I'm speechless. You're gonna poke your eye out with never you mind what is going to get poked out with. I wonder how much mileage I can get out of the girls? 
You can take the girl out of Jersey but you can't take the Jersey out of the girl!
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