Before we get to the summary, I have a score to settle with Probst. After 22 seasons, Jeff said his old dog had learned a new trick. From where I sit, it’s nothing more than adding a new dog house and sending a mutt to stay there for a while. Exile Island had showed it’s shortcomings when a tribe could decide to send Sugar over and over again to what became her sugar shack. The Dune in Tocantins provided Coach with a monastic retreat but it really didn’t add any spice to the game. So, for 3 seasons, EPMB didn’t know what to do to punish his castaways, He punished us instead by casting Russell.
Not only was this supposed to be the perfect twist but Probst went so far as to say that he’d quit if we didn’t like the concept of Redemption Island by episode 6. So, here we are: Episode 6 and what do we have?
Like a leper, Francesca was the first one banished to the island. With nothing to do, she was bored and soon we were bored, hearing her repeat that she’d make it back in the game when we knew she didn’t have a snow balls chance in Nicaragua..
Soon, Redemption Island became the Temptation of Matthew, a mixed bag of Old and New Testament. After receiving his baptism by fire, courtesy of Boston Rob, Matthew was sent to spend lonely days on the deserted island. During this time, the devil appeared to Matthew in the form of a troll with a missing tooth. “I will take his home” whistled the devil though the gap in his teeth. Of course, it was Russell, his Napoleon Complex having finally forced him to exile on Saint Helena Island. Matthew stayed strong and the devilish Russell met his Waterloo. Matthew, his mind confused by the isolation and the malnourishment, continued his quest to the Promised Land.
Kristina made a quick sojourn to Fantasy Island but the island didn’t want her.
The contestants have been telling us that the arena looked grandiose, reminding them of Rome’s Coliseum but seriously? I’d understand if this was a high school play by student actors but this is supposed to be professionals working on a million dollar show.
Look anything like this?
What’s up with the recycled challenges? I know there is only so much you can do with ropes and puzzles but please, how about a little originality?
Another thing: By episode 6 we have no idea how this twist will mess up the end game. In Pearl Island, Fairplay had been getting on everybody’s nerves so the best he could do was to play for second place but those Outcasts gave him an opportunity for the win. If only Burton had lied convincingly to Lil. Now when someone (Matt) returns to the game, which player will be screwed?
All in all, the only good thing about Redemption Island is that it made Russell cry but even that is tainted because now his fans can argue that he is human after all. So, will Jeff quit? Of course not. Showing he wasn’t playing with integrity, Jeff signed on for two more seasons before we ever got to episode #6. Jeff will Outlast all his original fans.
Blonde on Blonde
This episode started with Krista’s arrival on Matt’s Island. It had been raining so she scurried into the shelter and into Matthew’s bed. Where we about to see a new type of Temptation? Would Matt succumb to the charms of this little firecracker? Nope! These two started talking about God. The night vision cameras were wasted just like my evening.
Why did you vote for me?
Zappa had returned from a very heated tribal Council. Was this going to be an explosive scene like the one where Lex’s gut told him that Kelly had betrayed him even if it was Teresa that had written his name at the previous TC?
Or maybe we’d see something like an angry Rupert threatening to strangle Fairplay after receiving a vote?
No, this wasn’t going to be anything special, just Steve wanting to know why Stephanie and Krista chose to write his name.
Stephanie, trying to be delicate, told him that it was because he was old and decrepit.
Steve told us that it was crazy to think that because he played 13 seasons in the NFL.
I’m thinking that’s exactly what she meant: His knees are probably busted just like Scout’s were. He probably suffered a dozen concussions and can barely remember his name. He’ll soon forget what happened at Tribal Council. For now, Steve wanted to strangle Stephanie but it was only words, no action. Boring.
We Need Firewood
Since Zappatera was more Dweezil than Frank, the cameraman decided he wanted to see what was cracking this morning on the Omelets' beach.
Phillip was gathering wood and the girls weren’t about to become junior deputy firewood bitches. Cesternino had helped Butch gather so much wood that they set the Amazon on fire so the girls were only thinking of safety when they refused to help.
Showing they understood what viewers wanted to see, the girls decided to give another erotic show, soon to be released on DVD (contrary to the old seasons of Survivor) under the title “Spa Day.” Not all the girls of course because Andrea was pretending to help.
Ashley told us that it was important for ratings that they look good in their skimpy bikinis.
Ashley went on to explain that she had worked hard all her life, playing basketball and competing in pageants (!! Tough work indeed!). They were going to enjoy the paid vacation that EPMB had so graciously offered.
After doing enough pretend work, Andrea decided that the only thing better than a girl on girl show was a girl on girl on girl show so she got down between Natalie and Ashley and they started going at it.
Rob and Grant, you ask?
They were doing what every guy would do: Watching and enjoying themselves.
I must say I was pretty happy with the scene myself until Mr. Fat Bottom Pink Panties came in the picture and ruined it.
He wanted the girls to stop and go check on the fire every 30 minutes or so.
Like Cesternino, I was thinking that with all the rubbing those girls were doing a new fire was about to start anyway.
Proving she was daddy’s favorite, Andrea quickly said that she always checked the fire.
Phillip was pleased but the others had to contribute also.
What is this? Survivor?
Or maybe I misunderstood what Phillip was saying: “I’ve been out there 4 or 5 times this morning doing it. We’ve got some wet wood and I’m going to stoke it right now.”
Could he be enjoying the show a little too much?
Phillip told us: “If I go to Redemption Island before Natalie and Ashley, there’s something wrong with the game because those two girls are on a beauty pageant. They don’t get off their butts and they don’t give me any real credit. It’s like when somebody who don’t like dogs pets a dog...I’m their red-haired step-child.”
How many personalities does this guy have? He’s claimed the role of the lion, the gorilla and now the poor mistreated child? He’s been quite a show himself.
Praise The Lord
The two Blondies went to their tree mail and found Krista’s luxury item. Do you suppose she brought something fun? I remember laughing when we saw that James had brought one of the two Hidden Immunity Idols he had stuffed in his pockets and carried back from China. Robbbb’s item had also been good for a chuckle: He brought a skateboard to a sandy beach in Thailand.
Krista brought her Bible and the two bonded over prayers. There’s a reason why no one watches TV on Sunday morning…
Matt went on to say that Krista was different than the other miscreants that are in the game.
Probst, I must say, this scene didn’t change my mind about your new twist.
Andrea and Natalie were the observers for Omelet, Julie and Mike were the Dweezils from Zappa.
The challenge was a copy of one seen in Tocantins. Another retread: Use a grappling hook to retrieve 3 bags, open a bag to find a ball, move the ball across a table maze, avoiding holes in the table through which the ball would fall. Somewhere Coach was telling anyone that would listen that, in his season, he won this challenge while dozens of pygmies were shooting arrows at him, trying to disturb him.
Krista started off quickly, retrieving her bags first but Matt didn’t panic, telling Probst to be quiet and, when Krista lost her ball, he completed the maze first.
Before she left, Krista gave her Bible to Matt. He thanked her with a big hug under the jealous gaze of Andrea.
Were we about to witness a messy love triangle?
We haven’t had enough of those in Survivor history even if Cook Islands had three:
- Candice, after getting her hooks in Adam, flirted with Billy who fell madly in love with her.
- Adam, probably to get revenge, told Parvati that, even if he had Candice, he could also have her on the side.
- Parvati got naked in a hot tub with Ozzy and Yul.
There was also a funny one in Amazon: Shawna had wanted to quit but her alliance had refused to vote her out. When the tribal switch brought Alex to Shawna’s camp, she suddenly came back to life and was having fun with the tri-athlete. Jenna realized that her alliance mate and close friend had become a rival so she voted Shawna out to have Alex all to herself.
But the best ménage-à-trois was in Micronesia’s Fan versus Favorites. That one needs a special set-up:
In Episode #7 Malakal finally won a reward and they were off to a picnic and a spa day of their own. After eating, it was time to take a shower so Ozzy got in the shower with Amanda.
Ami soon joined the couple.
The two girls took off their bikini tops and started frolicking under the stream of water.
Then, the camera showed us Erik who, like a wide-eyed kid in a candy store, could only stare at the threesome.
The funniest thing was that the viewer was left to think that Erik would have preferred to be in the shower with Ozzy rather than in place of Ozzy!
So, were we going to witness something as memorable this time?
Are you kidding? All we had was Andrea’s angry words in confessional, saying that Matt didn’t look like he missed her very much. Matt can forget about their earlier deal.
We’ve had quite a few scary ones:
- Mike falling in the fire was the shout heard around the world. It probably was the most intense moment of the whole series and the 40 million watching all became honorary Kucha members when the tribe told their leader they would win it for him.
- The scariest one was probably when Russell Swan passed out from exhaustion, his dead eyes making everyone gasp in shock.
- The saddest one for me was seeing Jonathan leave Micronesia just when he had found a way to make it to the end of the game.
The funniest one happened to Bruce. Not only did he have to leave because he couldn’t poop but the whole scene was funny:
Bruce winces in pain
Courtney, trying to calm him down while they waited for the medical team, started singing.
Courtney singing, Bruce not appreciating
Bruce begged her to stop but she didn’t hear him. His pain only grew with each false note she hit. When the medics decided Bruce had to be taken away because he could be suffering from appendicitis they asked Shane for help.
Shane: Does this have to be right this second?
I don't have any pants on."
A naked Shane, finally understanding what emergency really meant, helped carry Bruce off to the boat.
After all this, Courtney decided to honor Bruce by doing what he had asked her not to do: Disturb his Zen rock garden. In the end, Courtney had to make this about herself so she gave us this glorious confessional: "Yesterday was a pretty emotional, draining day for me. Ending the day with Bruce being taken away, it was like the icing and the cherry and the hot fudge on top of my... uh... pretty poo-poo day."
This one? Sorryta had a toothache! Big deal. As Ralph said; the uptown girl was so obsessed with the appearance of her teeth that she kept scrubbing them with a stick even if that stick was dirty. It probably caused an infection and since Dr Carl wasn’t cast this season, the drama queen princess was in trouble. If only someone could give her some nitrous oxide, maybe that would save this crap of a show. The sour puss had pus in her teeth. Someone call the whambulance…please. No one did, unfortunately.
David wanted to find a way to unseat Sorryta in the alliance and replace her with Stifinie. He said: “If it’s me and the five of them, I’m gonna shoot myself.”
I totally agree with David: If that’s our final 6 the medical emergency will be at my place because I’ll shoot myself!
Pondering David’s words, Stifinie wondered: “How do I suck up to people I hate? Why didn’t I learn this in school?”
I'd say the best way to learn this would be to follow a politician during a campaign, not in school.
Beauty and The Beast
With a storm approaching, Phillip was back to his Butch role, trying to collect every piece of wood in Central America. He expressed his frustrations that Natalie and Ashley hadn’t given him the assistance he had asked for. Ashley didn’t like the way he had asked. She thought he was dictating.
Since he wasn’t going to get the love he so clearly needed, Phillip decided that he was finished playing Mr. Nice Guy Pink Panties.
Ashley told him about the problem she was having with semantics: “You ask the boys, you order us.”
Phillip replied: “The boys pull their weight and so does Andréa.”
“Andrea” Ashley corrected him.
Phillip threatened: “You’re going to see a new attitude from me.”
Ashley, not backing down: “New attitude? We’ve seen it.”
Beast: “Well, get used to it, beauty queens.”
Miss Maine: “Thank you Phillip. That’s a compliment.”
Beast: “You don’t do anything.”
MM: “I’ll walk away.”
Beast: “Walk away and I’ll follow you. You want me to follow you, I’ll follow you.”
Like a child, he did just that, to Natalie's astonishment. She thought she was the youngest contestant ever on Survivor but she just realized she was playing with a 3 year old child-king.
Ashley gave us a confessional, saying that someone needed to diagnose Phillip because she thinks he’s mental.
Phillip was still going at her, as if interrupting her confessional.
Rob had the right diagnosis for the whole situation: “I think this fracture is going to end up splitting this tribe. I need to take Phillip aside and I need to squash this thing right away. Phillip was right; the girls weren’t doing anything but, the less they do, the happier I am. I don’t want them to be working hard and giving us a reason to write your name down to win a million dollars at the end of this thing. I want you to annoy the crap out of everyone as much as possible.”
Having thought about the best way to proceed, Stifinie finally decided to simply apologize to Steve for voting for him.
Steve didn’t know if she was playing the game or if the apology was really coming from her heart.
I’m telling you: Too many concussions.
The two agreed that Sorryta was the weakest of the tribe.
Stifinie told us: “I would love to go into a challenge where I could show off everything I’ve got and Sorryta is slacking, I pick up her slack and we win and everybody is happy. I need to drag her down and bring me up”
What was Sorryta doing at this time? Still worrying about her teeth.
The West-Coast Offense
For those that don’t know football, the west-coast offense was introduce to the NFL by Bill Walsh and mainly consisted of quickly thrown short passes.
Despite the hype from Probst and all the pre-game boasting by macho men Mike, Phillip and Steve, this challenge turned out to be like Super Bowl XXIV - San Francisco 49ers against the Denver Broncos; the most lopsided game in Super Bowl history.
Omelets were the 49ers, Crapatera “played” the part of the Broncos.
For the Crapateras, Sorryta put herself on the injured reserve list before the challenge even started, Mike picked up many defensive holding penalties, ripping Grant’s shirt in the process. Ralph should have been penalized for inhuman-like appearance on the field. Unfortunately, Stifinie had a bad game with no TDs and 1 interception. David came in relief but didn’t help.
Natalie, playing like Joe Montana, had a 67% completion percentage including 4 touchdown passes and no interceptions.
Boston Rob, doing a Ronnie Lott impression, knocked down many passes and even had an interception return for a touchdown.
Grant, being Jerry Rice, caught all 4 TD passes and was named the game MVP.
It was a massacre.
After the victory, Phillip, who had been standing on the sideline, was probably imagining himself as Bill Walsh. What he was forgetting was that George Seifert coached that game and was the only winning head coach that wasn’t carried to victory at the end of the game. Phillip simply couldn’t get a pat on the back!
We joined the winning tribe as they celebrated their victory with a trip to…? Brazil? No, they were still in Nicaragua, at the foot of a giant Jesus statue that sat high above a marina.
So much for castaways on a deserted island!!
The scene we were about to see was pretty funny but I can’t keep from asking: Is this what the game has become? Reduced to a hide and seek game of clues and idols? I mean, since the whole tribe won the reward, why not simply give them the clue. Fighting over it hasn’t given us any really great scenes. Charlie saw the clue that Kenny thought was his and it lead to the whole tribe throwing away the idol and Charlie paying for it but so what? Danielle and Amanda had a catfight over a clue but, looking back, that scene was so chopped up that I felt like Colby: Let me watch the game, not the silliness. And we’ve said all there was to say about Na’Onka versus Kelly Bruno.
This one started with cheerleader Ashley telling us about the feast.
Rob told us about the clue to the Hidden Immunity Idol: “Right away, I spot the clue underneath the lobster tails. At this point there are not really any reasons for me to get it so I realize that if I can’t get it without anybody else seeing that I got it, I’m going to let one of them get it. So, Grant sticks his hand in there and grabs the note.”
Rob smartly suggested to grant that they go check out the sights but Phillip noticed that something was fishy.
As soon as they are away from the table, Rob told Grant to look at the clue so they could make sure that the idol wasn’t at the reward location.
That’s when Phillip walked up and asked: “What do you got there boys?”
Rob told us: “Phillip sees the note and there was a little bit as if Grant and I were back in school and we get busted by the principal.”
What? Another role for Phillip? The man's a veritable chameleon.
Rob told Phillip that the idol was back at camp.
Phillip, using his secret agent man voice, confided: “I have been in an alliance with Rob, Grant and myself. In fact, I call ourselves Stealth. I’m the specialist, Rob is the mentalist and Grant is the assassin. And, yet, today when Rob and Grant found a clue to an idol, they tried to hide it. Well, hell hath no fury like a lion and a gorilla when he thinks he’s been provoked. If you plan to make an alliance with me, you better adhere to it because I’m all about integrity…I could dwell in a place of negativity based on what I saw but I’m not going to do that. I’m going to smile and, when the time comes, I’m going to kick a little ass around here.”
The Most Boring Alliance in History
What is your favorite alliance? I’d bet many people would say Koror because they dominated the game. I’d say that, despite their record, they were quite boring. Besides the shark hunt and Kathie’s sock puppets, there wasn’t much going on there. However, I wouldn’t put them as the most boring alliance ever. The Aitu 4 were also short on laughs but they had drama on their side. Fang was the most stupid alliance ever but they were good for some laughs, most centering on failures: Crystal in challenges and Kenny with the hot girls. Samboohoo was bad but they were certainly not boring. Suck Job really deserved their name but Zbacnik was good for laughs.
For me, the most boring alliance had always been LaMinus. Terry was so focused on winning challenges and gaining the numbers that they completely forgot to have fun. Austin was probably the driest narrator the series has ever seen. It didn’t help that the editors forgot to show us Sally, the only interesting member of that group. Think of it, the only time they made us laugh was when they ate too many beans.
Maybe the reason I found them so boring was because Casaya was, in my eyes, the funniest alliance ever. The contrast didn’t help. Every time we returned from commercial and saw “LaMinus day whatever” on screen, I felt cheated because I knew we’d see more of the same while we were missing something crazy happening on Casaya. And that’s even if Casaya got rid of their funniest member, the great BobDawg, way too early. You don't remember BobDawg? What a pity. Here's a good way to remember him:
Anyway, all this to say that those that liked LaMinus can rejoice: I won’t say they are the most boring alliance anymore because that title belongs to the Crapatera 6.
Returning from a crushing defeat, the vote was going to be between the spunky girl and the one with a stick up her butt. The “Mouth” versus “My mouth hurts”. If there was any hope to have an entertaining tribe, it rest with the most boring member of them all: The sour faced David.
David told us he didn’t want to have a team mom playing the game so he would lobby for Stifinie.
Mike, still hoping to earn the title of most boring member before the end of the season, said that they had to win but that they got smoked.
Sorryta, observing David’s lobbying efforts, told us: “I’m not going campaigning because I’m the most boring person my tribe will ever see and they all know that.”
Stifinie decided she’d better scramble so she told Julie (maybe I was wrong because Julie could be the dullest person in this camp) that the weakest player was Sorryta.
Julie agreed and gave Stifinie a hug, saying: “You are a strong woman in a little package.”
Turning around Julie told us: "I can trust Sorryta because Sorryta is too boring to even think of making a move."
Stifinie told us: “If they don’t keep me, they are going to put every single viewer to sleep.”
The Crapatera 6 sans Sorryta discussed ratings: “We need to win people over” said David.
Steve didn’t see any hope: “They are both only worth 1 out of 10 shares.”
David countered: “All I care is winning our time slot.”
What do you suppose these bozos did to be a little more entertaining after all this excitement? They took a nap, leaving it to Mike to tell us: “If we vote Stifinie, we know we will have to put Sorryta in the next challenge and we will surely lose.”
David started the festivities by saying that they regretted throwing a challenge and giving Omelets momentum.
Ralph, imitating Terrel Owens, said: “The problem with the challenge was that no one was throwing me the damn ball. If I had been the quarterback, I could have done better.”
I’m thinking that, instead of complaining, Rooster should have looked at his own performance: He was so slow that he made Ashley look like Derrel Revis.
Sorryta said she would have liked to have been in the field catching.
Stifinie didn’t let that lie go by without intervening: “She was shaking in her boots when she found out that we were going to do a contact sport. But I’m fine with her sitting out because I don’t think she’s that great during challenges.”
She sucks at life is what I would have said.
Sorryta said that at least she didn’t say she could do it and then not being able to follow through.
Probst, finally understanding something, replied: “So what you’re saying is that you were glad to sit because then you couldn’t be a goat.”
David agreed: “She knew she was the worst but she knew she wouldn’t play any part in the failure.”
Sorryta denied this, saying she would have been fine to be out there.
Then why raise your hand immediately?
Stifinie told it like it is: “Bull___. She is the biggest complainer.”
Steve analyzed the two women, saying Stifinie has spunk and works around camp while Sorryta is an uptown girl who hasn’t gotten her footing yet in the wilderness.
Send her to Loser lodge then .
Probst sent them to the voting booth saying this was a big vote but really? This tribe wants to be boring so the choice was evident. Stifinie was sent to Redemption Island, promising she would see Sorryta there and kick her butt. I’d like to see that!
Probst sent them back to camp to reflect on whether or not they made the right choice.
Next time, on Survivor, Probst tells us that the toughest part of Survivor is mental fatigue. Yes, I am tired of all these players being mentally retarded.
I hope you’ve enjoyed reading. Only 8 episodes to go and then 2 more seasons. Why do we do this to ourselves????