Zen and the Art of Winning Jewelry – It’s Day 37 and with Jane gone, Fabio is sensing that the tight-knit group of Momma, Mumbles and Brain-Numb is going to be tough to crack. Fabio breaks out the CBS Chalkboard and figures out that he needs to win a metric sh1tload of Immunity necklaces in order to stay in the game. He also says that it’s time for him to drop his goofy surfer dude zen persona and get aggressive on the upcoming physical challenges.Fabio takes a walk with Sash and a.p.u. (as per usual) Mumbles is lying out of both sides of his mouth. In a moment of clairvoyance Sash says, “There’s a very good chance that Fabio will make an immunity run and go all the way to the end. So, you’d better believe that I’m telling Fabio what he wants to hear.”
Immunity Challenge #1: ‘Where In the World is Carmen Sandiego?’ - Fun facts about Nicaragua, running after puzzle pieces and then solving the puzzle. Ho hum. Typical Survivor. Where’s that execution we were promised? The Fates step in and cause Chase to drop one of his puzzle pieces under the table, even though having all of the pieces and a ten minute head start wouldn’t have helped. Dan thought the questions were going to be about Brooklyn, so he’s still out on the course. In the back room of the “Social Club”, Dan’s loving son calls the other players “douche bags” and yells that they should all be helping his dad win. Meanwhile, back in the semi-real world, Fabio gets one of the questions wrong and has to make a return trip, but still solves his puzzle first and wins reward.
Scrambling and a ‘Senior Moment’- As soon as everyone gets back to camp, the Fabio congratulatory backslapping and knife sharpening begins. The outdoor conference rooms are double and triple booked as Chase/Holly, Fabio/Sash, Dan/a tree stump meet to discuss alliances and strategies. Holly admits that by winning Immunity that Fabio really threw a monkey wrench into their plans. Chase chimes in with “Finally, something I understand! I work with monkey wrenches every day as a NASCAR jackman.”
But if you thought Chase had inhaled too many gas fumes, the real head-slapper was Dan. At one point he asks Fabio who would need to vote together in order to have a majority. Do you really need a cheat sheet when there’s only a basketball team left?
Tribal #1 - Dan pleads his case. Let’s be merciful and just say that a middle-school debate team that had just been introduced to alcohol and psychotropic drugs would have been more convincing. Dan’s torch is snuffed and he’s headed to the Loser’s Lounge Mall to pick up some new footwear.
Note: I’m going to skip the Fallen Comrades section for two reasons; A) It’s usually just drivel about player X being a “strong competitor and a threat” and B) No one said what I was hoping to hear; “NaOnka was an obnoxious pain in the ass from Day One. When she quit the game it was like my birthday, Christmas, and getting a puppy as a surprise present all rolled into one orgasmic experience.”
Immunity Challenge #2: ‘Change of Fools’ - Remember the good old days when the final Survivor challenge was a Herculean endurance test that involved balance, mental focus and desire? We do, but the Challenge Designers apparently don’t. This was some nonsense about stacking coins on the hilt of your sword and not letting them fall. I swear, next year I’m not taking the Challenge Designers to the county fair and let them walk the Midway. It just leads to bad challenge concepts. Fabio balances his budget and wins his third Challenge in a row.
Scramble 2 – Fabio can’t stop smiling as he wears the Immunity Necklace and matching earrings. Holly asks who wants to join her to “get water” and she and Chase go scurrying off into the woods. During the afternoon, Sash lies, Chase confides and Holly asks Fabio if he’s cleaned his room and finished his homework.
Tribal #2 – The Sash sauté continues as the real estate broker is grilled for his double-dealing back-stabbing, false-alliance-making two-facery. Holly makes her plea to Fabio while Chase points up and says, “Look… butterflies.” Holly is sent to the Ponderosa to make sugar cookies for all of the kids.
How Many People In A Trio? – Fabio confessionalizes that he’s happy he was able to reveal the Chase and Sash game play to the jury. Chase knows that the competition is near its final lap and says “Guns are going to be blazing. I’m excited to bring my thoughts tomorrow.” The only problem is that you’ve gotta have ‘em to bring ‘em. Meanwhile, Sash maintains that he’s played the best strategic game. This makes him a good candidate for our next themed Survivor. Instead of “Heroes vs. Villains,” I’m thinking I’ll call it “Delusional vs. Paranoid”.
Final Tribal Council – “Opening Statements” is such an odd Tribal Council tradition. Like ice skating competitions, you have your Compulsories. In Survivor that means kissing up to the Jury members and telling them how you’ll always love them and want to sign their yearbooks right after the vote. For ice skaters it can also mean that a skater attempts a triple-double-venti-mocha Lutz and accidently ends up flying into the spectators and slashing someone's throat with a skate blade. Fabio had those moments when he says, “Woo hoo, a million dollars!”* or “A noble cause like donating money to fight a disease? Yeah, me too.”*
Nevertheles, Fabio presents himself well, citing his "be everyone's friend" technique.
Alina makes a Two-A-Half-Men snark and Marty lays out some “sack of hammers” bitterness. Purple Kelly is a waste of air(time) and still no one has strangled NaOnka. Sometimes life is unfair.
We segue (unfortunately without the Jiffy as James Bond jetski footage) to Los Angeles and Jud “Fabio” Birza wins the $650,000.00 with five out of nine votes.
*All quotes approximate, because I don’t take notes when I watch the episodes. This is all from my feeble memory or a bad recreation of what happened. YMMV.
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For the two of you still reading, let me say what a pain in the ass honor it has been to post on these BTS thresds. Thank you for your patience and even laughing at some pretty bad jokes.
Mark "That's all folks" Burnettt
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