LAST EDITED ON 10-29-10 AT 06:35 AM (EST)
Indiana Jill and the Oar of Doom
JP: Last time on Survivor... drop your pants, er, your buffs. A shocking twist combined the young and old into two new tribes. The young on both sides picked up a slightly ticked and high fructose mom. With the power in the hands of the kids, the North 40 were all pretty much left to say, crap, we're screwed. Then an even bigger shock sent both tribes to tribal council to vote someone out (that's what we provide here, a thrill a minute). The youth of Espada targeted Yve for her age, likability, and all around lack of fashion sense. Meanwhile, Sash and Brenda daringly had La Flor split its vote to flush out Marty's HII and Kelly B at once. Gambling with house money, Marty hung onto his HII, and Kelly B took the walk of shame due to her unfair advantage of not having to lug two legs around with her. 13 are left. WHO will be voted out tonight? (don't read the absentee vote link or you'll already know.)
Obligatory shot of the moon made creepy for the week of Halloween. Props. Followed by a shot of a chicken, shaken by the light of the camera like a drunk by the flashlight of a cop. Perhaps the chicken thought it was Jane.
ES NADA CAMP...
Hug-fest ensues, apparently over the victory over the evil Yve, her phonetically challenged name and her nightmarish flannel smock.
(gets hugs from Alina and NayOnka) You throw something at me, junior. It slides right off, see. It might have something to do with the layer of tanning oil I have on, not sure. Anyway, these kids all know what's best for them, and if they don't, I DO. You know what I'm saying?
Dan is pitiful and weak. He's no threat to anyone. Yve was a conniver. I don't need that around. I only align with women that can be trusted. By the way, have you seen my shirt? Not sure where I left it. OH, (points to the side), I left it OVER THERE. (flexes his arm)
Alina has these eyes that see through all my bullshid. That is no way, no how. Plus, her knee socks don't fit me. She has GOTTA GO.
Transitory shot is of creepy crawley. Again, props.
Marty is getting the low down on TC from Sash. He understands the attempt to flush the HII but is dismayed at the votes cast his way. Everyone else thought that was the definition of flushing the HII. Maybe Marty is playing Jedi mind tricks with us.
So, I consulted with the spirit of the Greek philosopher, Andy Gibb, and he told me that the idol wasn't meant for me. He said I would give the idol to a man with large white teeth. I think he also said something about shadow dancing. Anyway, when I figure all this out, I'll know what to do.
ROLL SURVIVOR INTRO...
Who are all these people? I can not recognize them without the grime, grizzle, and wild-eyed look. These people actually look lucid.
BACK TO LA FLORD... Because that's where the ACTION is, and we all know, I want to go where the people dance... I want AKSHOWN... I want to live...
Marty confronts Jane. He tells her he never lied to her, that she knows of, he never misrepresented himself to her, that she knows of, and he never voted for her, except for last night but that was the hair talking.
My head was on a swivel. I didn't know what was going on. I figure you didn't vote for Kelly though. You voted for me, right?
Hahahahaha.... (slaps Marty on the back)... Was that a hoot or what? You should have seen your face! Hahahaha... Xcuse me, but I'm late for awkwardly walking away.
Marty explains the conversation to his ally, Jill.
Marty and I were pretty much DOA here. I'm hoping maybe we can convince Fabio that I spell my name J A N E for when he votes. But we might be shot down without a cue card.
HELLO, QUASI-REWARD CHALLENGE.
The tribes both make their way onto their play mats. JP greets and explains the challenge or lack thereof, and he explains the reward or lack thereof. Basically, this is a kinder, gentler version of the basketball-like RCs that have been putting the players' liability waivers to the test. Players from each tribe take turns jumping off a ramp into a pool while throwing a ball into a large net on the other side. One player from each tribe gets to stand on a pedestal in the middle of the pool and attempt to defend the net. First to five, wins, not much, pride basically.
The defenders are predictably Fabio and Chase. They both prove about as effective as hung over soccer goalies, and have little luck against Jill's flying crane technique, Benry's notorious head fake, or the simple enough, toss it over them strategy. Marty apparently goes 5 hole on Chase but gets 2 instead. NaOnka amazingly doesn't try the same on Fabio, and Dan can't even do this challenge right. For god sakes, someone get this guy a wheelchair.
The foregone conclusion here is that Espada wins (get used to it), and they get the "reward," which is explained with the proper amount of excitement by Kelly Purple of the pink bikini.
Girl in Bikini
I guess they get to ride their own rides and milk their own milk. Or something. Does that make sense? I don't know. Their dumb. We should have won it. Do you guys want to ask me something about the game? Or am I talking too much?
BACK TO LA FLORD... you know... AKSHOWN...
Jane is working around camp and trying to catch some fish. Sash approves of it all.
I'll do some work. I don't care. I'm going to stay in the good graces of the four lazy @ss chillins. There's no quit in me. I don't care that they only care about my vote. Go farther than Marty and Jill. Isn't that the name of this game?
I'm loving life. I just lounge in the shelter with my cheergal and my bikini girl, and the oldies around here do all the work. I'm hoping Jane catches a big fish for me. Come on, grandma, the big man needs some fish! Does someone smell smoke?
SWITCH TO THE REWARD
As usual with Es Nada, not much going on here. Chase is riding a horse with his bandana around his neck, which of course makes him a natural. He does some talking in the jungle with his shirt off. Apparently there are no bugs in Nicaragua. He is reminded of his dad, who is almost a cast member for his omnipresence.
The tribe gets to squeeze some teats. That sounds 100 times better than it is. NaOnka shocks the world by exclaiming milking cows isn't her thing.
Alina spontaneously sheds tears at the sit down meal. Maybe Benry ate the last Oreos, which would do it for me. NaOnka, of course, only hates her more for it. She is the only one allowed to blabber like a baby on her tribe.
OK. Enough with that brain drain. BACK TO LA FLORD and AKSHOWN...
Jane catches several fish. In a Survivor first, Jane slyly decides to cook the largest fish for herself. She sneaks off into the jungle to start a fire. I would have been doubly impressed if she had cleaned the fish, but she blackens it hot dog style instead and then digs in.
I can't wait until the old bat comes back with my lunch. She can keep on making me strong. She don't know no better. Does anyone else smell smoke? It is so strange...
ONTO THE IC
The tribes meet and are as befuddled as me at the sight. Explaining the IC would be like explaining Fabio. You would just have to see it to believe it. Basically, the tribes roll balls down ramps to smash boards. Brenda and Kelly look damn good, but they are no match for Benry and Alina, as Benry is pretty much the Guillermo Vilas of rollerball.
Regardless, it doesn't matter. We know from previews that La Flord is losing, but again.
OK. Wave goodbye to Es Nada because you won't see them again this episode.
BACK TO THE ACTION... LA FLORD BEACH
Yeah, I'm pretty much toast. Do you hear that? That is the sound of inevitability.
Marty and Jane, they ignored me. They discounted me. They never invited me to any tribal functions. I didn't just fall off the last hayride. They will pay.
The LA FLORD Four discuss their options in their shelter, which they rarely appear to leave. Maybe it has cable. Sash suggests he ask Marty for the HII instead of flushing it out with votes anyway. Fabio looks like Sash just suggested he ask Saturn for her rings.
Later on, Brenda and Sash, who amazingly have made it 20 feet away, onto the beach, agree that Sash should ask for the HII and promise a safe TC in return.
Sash approaches Marty for the episode's most salient moment. Marty seems content to just play the HII at TC until Sash sweetens the pot by suggesting he give the HII back to Marty if they lose the following IC.
Either I give the idol to Jeff tonight, or I give it to Sash. Really, I don't think Jeff needs it, and Sash does have amazingly white teeth. So there is that to consider. This is either the smartest move ever or the dumbest move ever, but that is me. I'm a gambling man. Big Move Marty, they call me.
I'm so money, and I know it. I asked Marty to borrow his idol. Told him I'd give it back. Hahaha... where do they find these people? Seriously? Where's Jane? I could use some fish.
The Evil Cheerleader
I don't know. I think I'll throw my pom poms in the air. If the right one comes down first, we'll vote off Marty, and if the left one comes down first, we'll vote off Jill. Either way, just as good.
With the only suspense left being whether Marty or Jill goes home, like it really matters, we take the trip to TC.
JP gets it out of Jane and Marty that Jill and Marty are the outsiders, and that Jane has successfully flipped to the yougins. Brenda manages to say that Jane never asked for an alliance with a straight face. She lies so smoothly perhaps she should consider a career in law. JP also manages to get out of Sash that HE has the HII now. Sash slips and suggests he might need to keep the HII if he doesn't trust his alliance any more. JP holds his feet over a torch for it, but it is a waste of time. No one trusts Sash anyway. They are all as equally ready to snuff him as he is to snuff them. Jane tells Jeff that giving up the HII always comes back to haunt you. It is a surprise to hear someone say they actually have watched Survivor.
They vote, once again in scattershot style. Two votes for Jane, two votes for Marty, and 3 votes for Jill. Doc J has a house call. Marty bids her adieu. She takes a walk through the set to the Thriller video. Good scene for Halloween, however. So, props one last time.
NEXT TIME ON SURVIVOR.... guess what? The ridonkulous merge at 12. NaOnka goes byotch again. Water is wet.