Welcome back to Surivivor, Nicaragua. Have you ever rolled Nicaragua off your tongue? Stop right now and try it. There. See how much fun that is. Unfortunately, it is a lot more fun than watching this group of misfits trying to mangle each other this season.
We are reminded of that in the opening when we see Sash tell us how in charge of this game his alliance is. Famous last words, Mr. Metrosexual. Famous last words.
Then we see Na-onka (I don’t really care if I misspelled it. Why should I, since she is so maliciously vindictive as to make Hitler look only slightly ill-mannered by comparison. Thank your maker that Naonka has apparently been wronged by a one-legged girl and not by members of your religion, or she would have you in the gas chambers already) telling us again how she can’t stand Kelly B and needs no charity case on this show.
We’re reminded of the blindside tribe-shuffle from last week. That was the twist that caused Tyrone to be whacked. I am glad they did, because I had forgotten that Yve was left out of the loop. That will be important later.
What the heck?!?! Where did the opening montage go? Instead of boring pics of each of the Survivors, they cut it down to a couple of generic scenes with no contestants, meaning that there will be 90 seconds less montage and 90 seconds more action in this episode. I might enjoy that if I didn’t have to recap it. Oh great, more work for me.
Dan and Holly are sitting at camp when the clouds part and the Judgment begins with fire and brimstone striking down all these sinners. Ok, I can dream, can’t I? Instead Dan says that it looks like the end of the world and goes on to confide that he’s ready to quit. Holly talks him into staying. I’m not sure why she didn’t help him pack instead, as she will regret it for the rest of the episode. She confides that she wanted to quit, but has since decided to stay. This observation means that she is free to pass judgment on Dan for wanting to do what she wanted to do 10 days ago.
Yve confronts Holly about being left out of the “whack Tyrone” loop. Holly says it was because Yve was in an alliance with Tyrone. Yve says “like no way”. And they discuss Dan’s offer to quit.
Marty and Jill commiserate about what lazy losers the kids on their LaFlor tribe are. Lazy losers with votes, Marty. There, I fixed it for ya.
Brenda has a confessional where she gloats (is there any other type of Brenda confessional?!?) that she is masterminding a Marty boot to either get rid of him or the idol.
Jiffy tells the contestants that they will be voting a member from EACH tribe off tonight with the twist that there will be individual immunity for someone from each tribe. The two winners will each compete for a reward for their tribe. And the winning tribe will get to watch the TC of the losers.
They are forced to dig up rope rings and use a paddle to toss the rings into a porta-potty picnic basket mounted on their butts. Holly is the 1st to get her 3 rings for Espada. Dan couldn’t be more incompetent if he tried. Am I the only one who wonders if Dan is in the mob? I guess that its probably stereotypical to assume that a rich, lazy guy from Jersey is a mobster. But it would explain a lot of things like the $1,600 shoes. Anyway, Jill wins for the LaFlor tribe.
In the last phase, the girls have to throw rings until they can stick all 3 of them on a hatrack about 20 feet away. Jill falls behind early, but wins in the end, setting off the obligatory celebrations for LaFlor and grimaces for Espada.
I wonder why they are doing less challenges this season. Seems like they are always doubling up. I could see it if they wanted to give us more exciting camp scenes and scheming. But I don’t really see that happening here.
Back at camp, Brenda is griping that Marty and Jill are all fake in their celebrations and winning vibe. Geez, how bitter can you be, girl? They just won you good food. She is mostly mad that she can’t vote out Marty or Jill tonight.
Sash suggests splitting the votes 3 for Marty and 3 for Kelly B. But then they will tell Kelly B that they are voting for Jan instead of Kelly B. The plan excites Brenda because Kelly B has never been part of her alliance.
Brenda then lies to Kelly B and tells her that they will whack an older person, and she says Jane is the one. She realizes that Fabio is clueless and that will make the vote tougher.
On cue, Marty is confiding a great secret to Fabio: that Marty is a chess grand master and that when he was 12 he had beaten Argentine master Guillermo Vilas twice.
Ok, stop right here. I was thinking “I thought Guillermo Vilas was a tennis player from way back in the 70s” at that moment.
Fabio is convinced of Marty’s genius and vows to vote however Marty wants. I can’t make this stuff up. Marty says that he can help Fabio make “the biggest move in Survivor history”, he’s got it all laid out. “I’m taking orders, bro,” Fabio promises while laughing wildly.
Marty, channeling Brenda, is incredibly pleased that he was able to dupe Fabio. I can’t share his enthusiasm. My 5 year old could (if given at least 2 minutes to plan) out-scheme Fabio so Marty isn’t really matching wits with a Mensa member. “So I could pull anything out of the 70s on these fellas and they don’t have to a clue”. Fabio is incredibly impressed that Marty can think about numbers in his head and totally buys into his plan. Marty is very happy that the game will again be back in his control. Hasn’t he watched enough Survivor to know that if you crow about having control or numbers, you are destined to lose?!?!
Holly is happy that she won the immunity, but isn’t happy that her tribe won’t be eating the reward.
Dan wonders out loud why he would be here, since he doesn’t need the money. He has a Ranger Rover and a Ferrari back home. I wonder why they let him on the show. Did he hide his assets from Burnett or did MB simply think that this rich old guy would have something to prove?
CarChase and Benry are discussing whether they should kick Dan or Yve to the curb. Benry says that Yve is trying, and is thus a threat. CarChase undermines all of his credibility by saying that the only one on the tribe he trust is Naonka. Geez. Really!?!? She is trustworthy?!? Well I guess she hasn’t turned on CarChase yet. He still has two good legs after all. But if he rolls an ankle, she will be out to cannibalize that boy in a heartbeat. Don’t believe me? She says in confessional that Dan has to go since his knee is so bad that he’ll soon “be walking on nubs”. What is it about her fixation with people’s legs (or lack thereof)?!?! Was she bitten by a rabid leg at some point in her life? Is there such a thing as badlegaphobia? We’ve discovered that it’s alive and well in Naonka’s Nicaragua.
The kids are leaning toward voting out Dan until Yve tells Alina and Naonka that she should stay because she has good relationships with the remaining old people. Unlike Nanoka and Fabio, Alina has enough brains to know a threat when she sees it. Yve, that neck you just put in the noose is your own neck.
Naonka tells CarChase that she will vote whoever she is told to and will lie while looking that person in the eye because “that’s outwitting”. No Naonka, outwitting is being smart enough not to have to lie.
Brenda tells Jane that they will be ejecting Marty or Kelly B. I have to admit, I liked Jan in the first couple of episodes. But seeing her outwitted by Brenda is a shame. I can only hope that Jan is just faking it and knows a double cross when she sees it.
Sash endangers the plan when he tells Fabio that they are trying to flush the idol or get rid of Marty. Fabio is clearly troubled and asks “do we want to flush the idol?” The beauty of Fabio is that if you don’t want to vote him out, he’ll probably take himself out of the game at some point. Probably when he stares up into the rain without remembering to close his mouth, becoming the first contestant to drown on the show.
In a confessional, Fabio admits to liking Marty, though his speech is so slurred that I wonder how he got the hippie lettuce that he’s apprently been smoking. Does pot grow wild in the Nicaraguan jungle?
Stash wants to use Fabio…at least I think I hear him say in confessional that he wants to kill “two birds with one stoner”. Stash tells Marty to vote for Jane. Marty is played and decides to NOT make “the biggest move in Survivor history”. Delusions of grandeur much?
Marty and Fabio are both confused by all the scheming. Brenda is confused by Fabio’s confusion. Marty decides not to play the idol since he knows that he would only last one more TC anyway. Nice decision there, Mr. Grandmaster.
As soon as TC starts, Jiffy points out that Marty is sticking out like a sore thumb. Marty claims to work too hard to be a target. Stash points out Marty’s silly move of showing the Immunity Idol as soon as he got to the tribe. Brenda points out that Marty’s move was cocky beyond belief. Marty rolls his eyes. Jiffy asks if he’s not worried about being booted if he doesn’t play it.
Marty overreacts and says “you don’t think I have been thinking about this a WEE bit!!?!” with just enough arrogance that we are ALL rolling our eyes.
Kelly B says she shouldn’t trust anyone here. But then she says she trusts them. Come on, girl, I am trying to like you.
Jane says that she might be perceived as weak, but that she isn’t worried about going home tonight. Brenda then lies with a straight face, saying that Marty approached her to try to boot Jan. The one time in this uber-long TC that Marty SHOULD have rolled his eyes and he doesn’t. Caught in apparent lie, Marty gets deer-in-the-headlights eyes and backtracks as fast as he can. He tells us that he and Jill are only two but the kids have a five-person alliance, so Jan has nothing to fear from him. I am sure that Jill is regretting hitching her wagon to this moron. The irony is that Marty is finally telling the truth, but Brenda sounds far more convincing and is holding all the cards.
Marty mouths to Jane that they should vote for Brenda. She votes for him instead, because she “ain’t no sitting duck, honey.” Hell hath no fury like a hillybilly girl scorned. The vote is 3 for Kelly B, 3 for Marty and 2 for Brenda (obviously Marty and Jill). Marty doesn’t play the II.
I don’t really understand why the kids don’t vote Marty off in the tiebreaking vote. KB apparently got almost all of the votes and we are never shown who voted for whom. Marty rolls his eyes with such fervor that I worry that they will roll back into his head and fall out of his bottom.
When Kelly B is voted off, she runs down the opposite stairs, frees her artificial leg and beats Naonka into a stupor with it. Ok, she doesn’t really, but you know you would pay per view to see it.
KB says she was duped.
LaFlor eats their kabobs as loudly as possible. Naonka pointed ignores them so Jiffy asks Fabio how the food is, which makes Naonka even more mad.
Dan admits that he doesn’t care what LaFlor is drinking because he only cares about Martinis. Yve says that Dan complains around the camp all the time, trying to shift the target to Dan’s back.
Benry says that Dan isn’t incompetent and Dan agrees. Yve calls him a liability. Dan calls Yve arrogant. Yve fires back that Dan is always bragging about his “six cars and three homes”. Dan doesn’t deny it.
Geez, can he be that stupid?!? Or does he not care? I wonder if he paid MB to let him play. Nothing else makes sense (unless Dan put a hit out on MB and MB cut a deal with him).
Yve is voted off with her vote being the only one for Dan. Now
you’re out of the loop Yve.
Next time on Survivor, Fabio pees in the pool. Jan eats her own
Agman made this fancy sig for me