LAST EDITED ON 05-15-10 AT 03:31 AM (EST)
Okay, so whose idea was it to start a Facebook campaign to get Betty White on Survivor: Heroes vs. Vill...oh, uh...never mind. My mistake. That's not Betty White. It's Colby.
Welcome to Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains Episode 13, the final episode before the final episode, where Colby's immunity runs from the Outback appear to have been cleared up from eight years worth of Metamucil; where Rupert is waxing eloquently about how production will edit his faux facial expressions and faux dramatic quotes instead of doing what he should be doing -- just waxing; where Jerri, formerly known as "Skerri," but soon will be known as "Jury," is just a shadow of her former villainess queen bitch self and has clearly spent far too many afternoons "relaxing" on Mark Burnett's tan leather casting couch; where Rasshole is still the smartest, craftiest and boldest little Travelocity Gnome to ever play the game of Survivor; and where Parvati has had to resort to flirting with Rasshole and a bunch of other girls instead of with James (*sigh*). Thank the gods of Samoa for Sandra!
Last time on Survivor, the Parv/Danielle/Rasshole trifecta was mowed down by The Little Gnome That Could. Rupert declared to the camera: "There ARE no other heroes" with a dramatic shaking of his head. (You know, I should like Rupert, because he is clearly such a DAW, but...I don't.) Sandra finds where production hid the idol for Rasshole, and Danielle tells Tribal Council that her and Parvati are besties, and then Jeff snuffs her torch.
That brings us to tonight. Back from TC, Parvati is upset because Danielle is gone. Rupert corners the camera guy and gives his millionth Million Dollar Quote: "Every day my chances of winning this game get better and better." Parvati and Jerri are now new besties, and Rasshole and Parvati kiss and make up. They agree that Stupert and Betty White are next to go.
Treemail: a box that says "Sprint. Open now." Colby immediately drops the box on the ground and sprints away down the beach. "CUT!" yells the director. Colby is brought back and the scene is shot again, with Colby opening the phonemail. He has to go to "memos" which tells him to go to "videos." Three hours later, the phone is no longer in Colby's hands and they are finally watching videos of their loved ones, who are threatening to kick butt in the upcoming reward challenge. Yes, it's family visit time! Colby's brother says "See you at the challenge. Kick some serious butt." Colby says "Okay!" and makes a mental note to himself to kick his brother's butt in the challenge.
The Reward Challenge
The Survivors arrive at the challenge and Jeff start reuniting them with their family members. Parv and her dad, Jerri and her sister Jennifer from Germany, Rasshole and his wife Melanie, Colby and his brother Reid, uh, okay. I have to stop here for a minute. Colby practically falls into his brother's arms and sobs while they smack each other on the back. They suddenly part as if one said "How about those Habs?" I must admit this scene caused much pointing and laughing in my house. But we were not prepared for what was to come. Rupert's wife, Laura. Rupert was moaning before she even came out of the jungle. And then, ew! ew! ew! Next, Sandra's uncle Fernando runs out and they embrace, crying. She explains that Uncle Fernando was with her mom when she died, and he used to take Sandra on his bike, and, well, it's a touching moment. When it's over, Sandra puts her "let's kick butt" face back on and Jeff explains the challenge.
Survivors use a pail to get water from the ocean and throw it at their loved one, who will catch it in their bucket and pour it into another bucket. When their bucket is full, they win. The winner gets a trip to a neighbouring island to visit the Blowholes. They don't understand what's so "rewarding" about going to Loser Lodge to see all the losers, but then Jiffy explains that the Blowholes are a natural phenomenon that one enjoys while eating burgers, drinking soft drinks, and playing with the Palm Pre from Sprint.
Survivors ready...GO! Things get ugly fast. Rasshole's wife spits in the bucket. Colby follows his brother's advice about kicking butt and starts kicking his brother's butt. Sandra tells her uncle, in Spanish, to catch their competitor's water. Colby's brother misses again and Colby throws himself on the ground, kicking and screaming. Jeff tells Reid that this is the kind of crap we've all been putting up with for 34 mutherluvin days. Finally, just when we think Rasshole is going to win, Jerri and Jennifer win reward!
We have more Rupert spit-swapping, and then Jeff presents the reward to Jerri. She gets to pick someone to go, and of course it's going to be Rasshole, because he's running the game and he's the best Travelocity Gnome to ever play the game. She picks Parvati. Rasshole looks angry. Jerri asks if she can pick another pair of travel companions, and Jeff figures all those hours on Mark's tan leather couch have to count for something, so he approves. Jerri picks Sandra. The travellers all jump into an ecstatic group hug.
Who would have thought that there could be a trip without a Travelocity Gnome?
Rasshole.Is.Pissed. "She's in trouble now." "She screwed up." Yes, Rasshole, you're right. Jerri should have taken him, mistaken him for a coconut, and thrown him into the Blowholes.
Rupert humps his wife's leg one more time, and then the two boys and Betty White skulk away into the jungle like the losers they are.
The Blowholes are fabulous. If not for the overdone product placement, it would have been one of my all-time favourite Survivor cultural-type rewards. Sorry, Sprint.
Jerri is afraid because Rasshole is mad at her. The girls tell her not to worry because they aren't going to vote her off.
Back at the camp, the Golden Girls are complaining. Rasshole and Stupert eat all the yellow bananas while they commit to the final three. They bring Betty White on board. Rupert makes another of his Million Dollar Quotes, claiming that going to the final three with these two dufusseses will "guarantee me one.million.dollars." Rasshole declares that if Parvati doesn't win immunity, she's gone.
The girls come home and go to bed, but Jerri can't sleep because Rupert is pounding wood. He's throwing stuff around and chopping and sawing. The confessional is vintage Skerri. Oh, Skerri, we missed you. I was wishing Rupert would pull some beef jerky out of his pocket and chow down just so we could watch the fireworks. But it was not to be. She goes off and talks to Rasshole and patches things up with him. Ooooooo she's so villainy!
Come on in, guys! Rasshole must surrender the immunity necklace. Survivors have to hold up two poles with the tops of their hands. Betty White drops out after fifteen seconds, then starts screaming at his brother. Sandra is out soon after. Then Rasshole and Jerri. Unfortunately for Rupert, creepy facial expressions don't help in this challenge, and he loses his pole.
Parvati wins immunity! Rasshole decides he needs to flip on the guys and send Stupert packing.
Sandra tells Rupert she wants Rasshole gone, and Rupert tattles. Rasshole comes over to the shelter, where Parvati is flirting with Sandra, and asks Sandra if she's with him or against him.
She tells him "I'm against you, Russell." Russell starts whipping around like the Tazmanian Devil, and Sandra tells Rupert that "loose lips sink ships," effectively stealing the title quote from He Who Wants To Be Quoted. He Who Wants To Be Quoted quotes: "yes they do!" Genius! What a comeback. Parv and Sandra continue to rile up Russell, who clearly doesn't have control of his dumb girls.
Now we gather at the Treehouse that Jeff Built. Jeff brings in the jury. Parvati is still flirting with the jury, telling Danielle she looks hot. Sandra sharpens a stick into a fine point, stabs Rupert with it, and begins roasting him over the fire. There is much talk of heroes and villains, and Rupert seems obsessed with which villain is the "top." Jeff starts asking who is a top, and Colby looks for the nearest rock to crawl under.
They vote. Sandra votes for Rupert, saying that she is certain he will still vote for her in the final three. Rupert votes for Sandra. Jeff collects the votes, and Sandra shocks the world by playing a hidden immunity idol. OMG you mean someone found it and DIDN'T TELL EVERYONE?! Imagine that. And what's with calling it "hidden?" Once it's found, isn't it no longer hidden?
So Jeff declares all of Sandra's votes null and void, and Rupert is voted out. In one last desperate attempt to grab some dramatic camera time, he throws a faux-dramatic look over at the remaining castaways, who laugh at him, as they should.
The final five are in place for Sunday's finale. Sandra, Parvati, Jerri, Rasshole, and Betty White. Go Sandra!
Perpetual *headbutt* compliments of Rolly.