Russell proved himself the best player in the history of the game by outwitting, outplaying and outlasting legend after Survivor Legend. He blindsided Rob, abused JT and kicked to the curb everyone who didn’t appreciate his brilliant maneuvers. The saddest part? It was like taking candy from a baby.
<this recap is being brought to you from somewhere stranger than the Twilight Zone…straight from Russell’s brain. Yes, tonight we’ll be seeing the episode through Russell’s eyes.>
After the merge, I swore to JT and Rupert on my kids. I liked seeing that part. They fell for it HOOK, LINE and SINKER. Classic TV.
But that next scene? Totally unnecessary. I mean why put Sandra’s snide face on the screen for 3.1 seconds when you could show ME during that time? Oh, now I get it. Mark Burnett is showing Sandra sneaking around behind my back, trying to vote me out. They’re doing this to show that I am impervious to backstabbing techniques. You just can’t stop a great guy like me.
This scene of Candice seeing the light and deciding to play on my side should win an Emmy. Now this girl, Candice, she knows which side her bread is buttered on. I think she will go far in this world. Haha!!! There is Sandra slinking back to me… “No, Russell,” she begged. “Please don’t vote me off. I will never vote for you. You should have won that Nobel Peace Prize instead of that Obama guy!!! He couldn’t find a hidden immunity idol if George Soros was buying them for him and stuffing them into his shirt pocket!!! I won’t ever vote you off!!!” Cower at my feet, Ms. Terrible Survivor Winner. This season you are only a speedbump on my way to the million, baby.
Now what is THIS? At the rehash of last week’s Tribal Council, I brilliantly played my idol. Then Jeff implied that I WASTED my idol. Of course I didn’t, you pampered moron! If I played my idol it was because somewhere in the universe, someone was scheming against me. Now your fancy, schmancy cameras might not have picked up on it, but whoever it was that was out to get me was stopped cold by my brilliant move. Nice editing, Burnett. I guess you left in Parvati’s idiot babbling about me being “paranoid” just to establish how cuckoo she is. Waste of time, my man. Everyone who has watched my brilliance this season already knew that. I guess I need to start editing this dog of a show, too.
Blah, blah, blah…Jeff says we’ll vote off TWO survivors tonight, and he implied that we didn’t know that. Well I am sure that the others didn’t. But I knew that we’d have two immunity challenges on this show back before I ever went on the show LAST season. How is that possible, you ask? Duh. I am the KING, baby!
Jerri is channeling my brilliance, condemning Candice for coming over too quickly and pointing out that we will cut her throat next. Wait, she forgot to mention how desirable I am. I guess maybe that was an editing mistake by MB.
Rupert, the Pirate of Panama, is whining like a 270 pound baby to Clueless Colby (why do people like him? He never even won a season and wasn’t 10% as good as Russell Hantz was last season!) about how they “almost had the game back again”. Idiots. I controlled this game since Season I. I only allowed Colby to look good on Season II so that I could humiliate him more this season. They mistakenly blamed Candice for screwing up their plans. Imbeciles. It was ME who beat them.
Then Rupert compounded his mistake by saying a bunch of drek about me being lots of things that I am obviously not. HAHA!!! This is funnier than classic Saturday Night Live (you know, back when Chevy Chase and Steve Martin were doing those great skits in the 70s). Next, he tries to smear my good name. Now everyone in America can see how pathetic he is. My only complaint is that every time I politely refuted his assertions, MB blurred my lips and bleeped me. That implied that I was using foul language…which I never would do. What I really said was “Do you think I give a care how you perceive my game play? After all, didn’t you steal the SHOES of other contestants in Panama? Who would steal shoes? And then you have the gall to compare me to Johnny Fairplay?!?! Fairplay was a one-trick pony! His dead grandma bit was all he had. I found hidden immunity idols WITHOUT a SINGLE CLUE!!!” So I just told him to pack his tie-dyed shirt because he is going home.
So we went to the first immunity challenge. Jeff had us stand on little blocks of wood while we were handcuffed to a chain attached to a bucket full of water. When we moved, the water would splash us and knock us out. Jeff said he would tempt the girls with chocolate and Rupert with small children he could eat for a snack. Jeff then admitted that he had recycled this challenge from other shows, but that he had put the blocks of wood in to make it harder. I will show him hard!
I dropped out of the challenge without even knowing what he was offering. Sandra picked up on my thoughts and decided that if it was ok for me, then she should do it too. Jeff tried to second-guess me, but I was so busy gaping at Danielle’s forest of arm pit hair that I wasn’t paying him any attention. What did he say exactly? He gave us milk and cookies.
He whipped out donuts and iced coffee at the 20 minute mark. Jeff was all set to give it to me and Sandra until that milquetoast Colby butted in.
Next Jeff brought out PBnJs, milk, candy and chips. Danielle, Candice and Jerri all jumped down. Parv used profanity to curse the girls. Tsk, tsk.
After an hour and 10 mins, Rupert fell off and everyone cheered. They all know he is delusional and evil. Jeff then tried to screw up the game by reading a clue to the whole tribe. That is my idol, nobody else needs it.
So when we got back to our camp, everyone scrambled, looking for this “burning bush” near the intersection of two paths. Sandra found it right away.
I let her have that one. Rupert pretended to find it. He hid a rock in his pocket. I acted like it fooled me because I like playing mind games with the old coot.
I told the girls that Rupert had it. So they decided to split the vote, 3 for Rupert, 3 for Candice. Rupe and Colby figured that out and decided to make it 5 for Candice.
At Tribal Council, Candice excused her vote last time. Colby made it clear he was still sore at her. Candice scrambled like the dishonest person she is. Tsk, tsk.
While voting, Colby bragged about having bigger boobs than Candice. Or something like that.
Candice went meekly when we voted her out. Jeff bracked about us being in trouble for backstabbing.
So when we came back, I told the girls that they had screwed up.
I had a brief moment of panic when I realized that maybe Parvati had a little bit of control in the game. So I decided to take control.
At the next immunity challenge, Jeff said Parv wanted to give it up. That is funny. The challenge was running to dig up pegs. We then had to get the pegs through a table maze and use the pegs to climb to the top of a wall and solve a puzzle. This one was made for me.
Well…to be honest, they are ALL made for me.
Did you see those losers when Jeff was blathering on about “winner of this immunity guarantees themselves a 1 in 6 shot at a million bucks.” What he was really saying was “winner of this immunity gets to spend a couple of more days on the game until Russell FREAKING Hantz decides to ship him or her out on his way to his well-earned million bucks”.
Rupert tried to save his self-righteous skin by getting his peg first. I gave Sandra and Parv a false sense of confidence by letting them have a head start on me, too.
I let Rupe get ahead of me into the next part of the 1st round before closing in on him. Me, Rupe, Danielle, Sandra and Parv went on to the 2nd round. I climbed that wall like an Olympic champion. Rupe and Parv fell in behind me. We had to build the Survivor logo in a slider puzzle. I delayed a little just to toy with Rupe’s emotions. But I finished it in plenty of time to break his feeble old heart. Jeff placed the immunity bling around my deserving neck and taunted the losers that I was safe at Tribal Council tonight. Dude…when am I NOT safe?!?! I would be safe in a death match against Chuck Norris. As we walked away, Rupe whined about “coming close”. Can you see my eyes rolling?
Parv had a confessional in the rain where she said she was going to send Rupert home tonight so that there would be no Heroes left. What she meant to say was “I am sending Rupert home because that is the decision of my sovereign master, Russell FREAKING Hantz. I will do whatever Russell says without questioning his brilliant decisions.”
We came out of the confessional with a shot of a crab on the beach, scuttling to the side. That can only mean that soon someone will be the victim of an unusual move. Time for Russell FREAKING Hantz to flash his brilliance again.
Parv said to my face that she wants to get rid of Rupe tonight and Colby next. But when Danielle agreed immediately, I knew that they were a couple. That isn’t the way it should be. It should be me and Parv (this was an actual quote from Russell’s own mouth). So I went to Danielle and told her we need to axe Parv instead of getting rid of the guy who told me to my face that I was a deceitful piece of #$*# two days ago. I realize that this doesn’t make sense to…well…ANY of you. But that is because YOU aren’t Russell (say it with me now) FREAKING Hantz. Just sit tight and watch me work. Of course Danielle ate it up with a spoon.
So then I went to Parv and told her that Danielle wanted her out very soon, and we need to get rid of Danielle. I am working both of them, so I have them under control. Oops. As we were walking back to camp, that dizzy bi@#$ Parv said she was going to go talk to Danielle. Dumb@$$, you can’t do that! You’ll expose
my lie…er, she’ll know that I told you her secret, yeah, that’s it. <Russell’s actual quote to Parv>: “Are you serious? You’re going to go tell her exactly what I am trying to keep a secret from her? You can’t even bring it up!! I can’t believe you, that you’re thinking like this!” Parv says “Thinking like WHAT? Like I want to have a #$*#ing conversation with someone?!? I can have a conversation with anyone I want.”
At that point I would have already had her body hidden if I thought I could hide the cameraman’s body before the auxiliary camera crew could find us. How could anyone be stupid enough to #$*# with Russell FREAKING Hantz?!?!
So I had a confessional where I told the cameraman (the one I let live 10 minutes before) that “it could be dangerous IF Parv talks to Danielle”. Geez. Parv would talk to a post if she didn’t have anyone around to gab at. Of course she will talk to Danielle. Duh.
Sure enough, she did. And Danielle had the NERVE to contradict me. Witch! And while they were busy trying to decide what to do, Sandra stood 30 feet away, listening in…like she always does…though I hadn’t given her permission to do it!
While the three of them were scheming to boot me, I had another confessional and I said that I was going to get Danielle out tonight and then Parv would be “so scared that she’d stick to me and vote like I tell her to vote!!!”
I then told Colby and Rupe that I want to run Danielle out of the game tonight. Rupe and I had a tender fist bump of reconciliation. Then he admitted to me that Johnny Fairplay would never have been able to manipulate the game like I do (though I think the cameraman was busy thanking God that I let him see another day, and missed Rupe’s epiphany).
Apparently, some cameraman found Parv because she started spewing lies about how “Russell is getting outplayed by Danielle and me at the moment, and it’s making him a little bit crazy.” How could she be so delusional?!?!
Then Danielle tried to avoid my Axe of Death by running to Jerri and begging her not to change her vote away from Rupert. She agreed. That was before I got to her and enlightened her.
She feebly tried to argue that Rupe should go first. You nitwit, that was two of my plans ago!!! Get with the CURRENT plan or YOU will be next, you desiccated old hag!
Jerri interpreted my
threat er, warning as a threat. I had to set her straight: “It ain’t me. I ain’t the one who wants you out. But if you don’t vote the way I tell you to, then someone will vote you out next and I can’t stop them.” She asked who I meant. So I told her “You’ve got to help me help you.” I told her again that we need to get rid of Danielle tonight. She turned her mannish old face away from me as we cut to commercial.
The next scene is tribal. Since we still have a whopping eight minutes left in the show (does this one already feel like the longest 42 minute Survivor in the entire 20 season run?!?!), you know that something is going to go haywire tonight. Probably some of those feeble nitwits screwing up my crystal-clear instructions.
Jeff’s first attempt to meddle…er, his first question is “Rupe, who is running the show right now?” Rupe tries to get under my skin by mentioning Parv about half a second before he mentions me. Amateur.
Then Jeff asked Danielle if it was true. She couldn’t look him in the eye as she said “I don’t think that is true. The Villains make decisions together.” She meant “The Villains do whatever Russell FREAKING Hantz tells us to do.” Jeff meddles some more, asking her if it was true. She bleats something about all of us voting out the Heroes and sticking together.
Jeff asks Jerri if that agreement around camp has led to peace. But she bracks something about there being trouble at camp.
Then Danielle and Parv start spewing about “craziness” at camp and them being “pitted” against each other? What?!? I agree that not following me blindly is crazy. That must be what they mean.
Parv went on to say that I was trying to turn them against each other and they figured it out. Jeff said “So Russell, you got caught, eh?” Geez. Now I have to set HIM straight, too!!
So I told him that Danielle approached me today to ask when I wanted to boot Parv. Danielle interrupted my explanation to shout “Liar! Liar!” at me. Shut-up witch! Danielle tried to cover her lie by saying that she and I are in an alliance with Parv. And to make it more believable she did that girl thing and cried.
But through her crocodile tears she admitted that she was “closer to Parv than Russell thinks”. Even dimwit Jeff picked up on this and called her out on it. I looked over to Jerri and mouthed “Danielle” because sometimes I can’t control the minds of people who are too simple to accept my mental instructions.
Jeff cut off the discussion at that point and told Danielle to vote without even asking if I wanted to give my necklace to anyone.
We didn’t see Danielle vote for Rupert
But we did see Parv vote for Rupert
And of course I voted for Danielle
Rupe voted off camera for Danielle
Jerri admitted that she was clueless and voted for Danielle off camera
Colby voted like a ghost for Danielle
Sandra did too, (for Rupe)
The first three votes were Rupe and he rolled his eyes like the decrepit old pirate-wannabe that he is. The next three were for Danielle (has her mustache grown in during this eternal tribal council!?!). The jury sniggered like 3rd graders when they realized that I will be sending her home tonight!
The last vote was Danielle. Buh-bye! Mess with Russell FREAKING Hantz and you feel my wrath!
Danielle looked like the stunned amateur she is. JT winked at me. Parv looked at me and said “That’s messed up.” Whatever.
Danielle took the Walk of Shame like a man. Jeff said that it was obvious the Villains weren’t one big happy family. And it’s anybody’s game. Whatever. It is my game!!!
Next time on Survivor: I tell Sandra that she is either with me or against me. She said she was against me. This should be good.
Agman made this fancy sig for me